I Mowed the Yard!!!

I mowed the grass! Do you hear me jumping up and down and screaming! I mowed the yard without anyone around - no help, no one holding my hand! I'm so proud of myself. I made a left turn. I had to fill up the gas can all by myself. That required me leaving the house today. I tend to be a complete hermit when I don't have Hannah unless someone makes me leave the house. Today I stayed hidden but then I just couldn't stand hiding anymore. I put on "I can leave the house clothes" versus the "lounging clothes" and went to the gas station! While I was at it I filled up the car too. My organizing self still works.

I got home filled Scott's prized riding lawn mower! I stuffed my headphones in my ears and cried my way around the front yard. Then I sprayed the weeds in the front yard. The sun was starting to set but I kept going. Our backyard may hold a very large swimming pool but there is enough room out there for a tennis court too! The sunset was beautiful, the music blaring in my ears was talking to me and I turned on the headlights and finished a chore. I can't explain how this task ranks right up there with dating and the grocery store.

Someday there might be someone who I want to date or maybe I might go to our grocery store but for now - I MOWED THE YARD ON SCOTT'S LAWN MOWER!!! I'm patting myself on the back. After I did that I did some exercise in the pool under the beautiful Texas stars! I miss him very much but I'm climbing the hills! I am living forward with a lot of help from all kinds of places!

Onward and Upward

Have you ever wanted something in your life but you just don't know how to go about getting it? I'm trying and I guess patience is the best answer. I can feel it just out of reach and untouchable. Does that make sense? I always love a challenge but getting on with a life is a bit much some days. I can feel life tickling my toes. Tempting me to make those left turns that I have avoided all year.

I know exactly the things I need to do and somehow there are those people in my life who keep giving me a hand. I want to leap frog over some of this stuff but well that just isn't happening. I like the moments that make me smile and laugh. I love the people in my life who make me smile and laugh. There is nothing more healing then having those moments in your life. I love moments of being silly and laughing. I miss the moments of acting my shoe size and not my age!

The other day, Rhonda and I were laughing, not just a chuckle but a deep laugh about how cute one of our resident's was that morning. It felt so good to feel that in my soul. One of those left turns that just happens. I love the feeling but laughter and light heartedness are just on the edge of being there more often. Reaching so very close to the me that is stuck sometimes. Putting myself in a place that could bring heartache but also being a part of life. I go through so many ups and downs through the days but I have realized my smile and laughter matters to other people. I like being happy. I'm not so sad but I can't explain how terrifying that is!

I miss me too along with missing Scott. I feel like when Scott died all of me went with him yet here I am left behind making it day by day. There are huge things I want in my life and I will reach them with patience and guidance. It takes time and I keep trying. I won't give up because I'm not that person. I want to be happy. I want to prove to myself, the world but most of all my daughter that loss of love doesn't mean loss of yourself. It is possible to be happy in silence, quiet or with others in your life. It isn't a forced feeling with some people. It is as natural process and I'm happy to have at least one person I don't feel left behind. Slowly others will emerge but I must have patience that life doesn't happen overnight.

Believing in More

"When you believe a thing, believe it all the way, implicitly and unquestionably." - Walt Disney


 
I quote lifted this from a friend tonight. It immediately spoke to me and I just knew I had to use it tonight. I believe so many things that I don't waiver very far from these days. I believe in the power of love and prayer to heal broken hearts and lift you up into a life you didn't know was possible. I still have to believe that there is more for me in my life. I'm in a very thoughtful strange crazy mood tonight.
 
I guess I shouldn't sit in long spans of time I end up thinking. Today I bruised my foot. Don't ask me how because I was driving out of the drive this am and my foot was the recipient of a sharp stabbing pain. Over the morning I watched the bruise form and my foot swell. I can't put much weight on it so I did what any responsible person would do - see the MD. It wasn't broken in x-ray but I received orders to rest and elevate with ice on my foot. That is what I have done all afternoon and evening. It sure made for a nice nap but word of caution don't answer the phone when you have been dozing. I may have to ask for a repeat of the conversation. Then again that might not be a bad thing. Now the swelling is down until I try to walk!
 
I can hear the heavenly laughter! Scott was so used to me doing crazy medical things to myself. How else would he stand by me through a liver blood clot, being rear-ended by a 91 year old man, a surgery, almost dying after surgery all within six months. Now here I am again doing something crazy to myself. I'm bored sitting here. I am amazed how much I do around the house. I'm bored and lonely. For the first time in a long time I need to keep believing that I'm "in it to win it!"
 
You can only watch so much tv and DVR programs. I need to move and go but I know the rules. I need to keep believing that loneliness can be combated. I am good with me, myself and I for the most part. So I have thoughts and ideas. Dreams that will be realized and dreams that come from sleep that give me hope. So I believe in all the world has to offer! I believe that the support of friend from a phone call comes from somewhere even when I'm groggy. I can't stop believing that I have a life that matters to at least a few people. I believe that my life will keep growing beyond.
 
When I sat in the MD office today I saw the new Nurse Practitioner. She is new but was very nice. We had a lot in common including the same first name. Not only that her husband died two years ago. You see I have to believe that more people keep entering my life for reasons that are of a heavenly power. I have been stressed about the loss of my amazing physician and finding someone else to care for me all because of a bruised foot that happens for no reason I found my MD! I believe and that power of light and love will continue to surround me!

Letting Go of Emotional Baggage

"Injuries hurt not more in the receiving than in the remembrance. A small injury shall go as it comes; a great injury may dine or sup with me; but none at all shall lodge with me... Grief for things past that cannot be remedied, and care for things to come that cannot be prevented, may easily hurt, can never benefit me. I will therefore commit myself to God in both, and enjoy the present." - Joseph Hall

There are so many things in life that hurt. I've been hurt lots of times. I currently can say the loss of someone you were expecting to spend many years of love with is an injury that bears many scars. I think it is okay to release the grief most of the time to God. I still have times of "if only" but I know it is self-torture to dwell on those times. I don't know of anyone who hasn't had this experience even if the person you know is alive but most certainly when you lose a loved one in death.

I take so much comfort in the possibility that the next plane of life is more then we can imagine here on Earth. That the possibility that all answers will be given, that the "what ifs" are gone, the people we encounter have more compassion and love for one another. In my current life now I wish that more people would stop and look at how their actions of "throwing under the bus" just to save themselves isn't the way to make the world a greater place to live.  That putting rules on new people in your life for the mistakes of others doesn't give you a new experience that may be life altering.

We have all been hurt in life but I am at peace. I have found the peace to have a lighter heart and make each day better. To know I can touch other's lives for the good. I don't believe my life is over or that I'm forever alone because of the loss of my love. I have so many things I want to do that guilt wears me down. I have to believe in my heart that Scott will always honor is promise to love me to infinity and beyond and in that love he taught me how to love others. There will be a day that I look around and realize greatness has been thrust upon me. It could be in so many ways but I still have love to give and touch so many lives for the better! My grief still fades in and out. I still have tears each day but I'm still standing. At the end of the day I still have a life with a purpose.

Tornado

I went to bed at 7:30 tonight only to be aroused at 8:30 by Hannah telling me the tornado sirens were going off in the neighboring community. We can't hear ours in our house even if they were going off so we took shelter in the bathroom just in case. Times like these really make prayer even more welcome but then I feel the peace surround me as Scott surrounds us. He was my hero! When it stormed even the tiniest bit of lightening I was freaking out. He would get all the blankets etc and send us to the bathroom on nights like this where the weather just didn't know what to do!

We have sat through many a storm in the bathroom but he would hover. He wouldn't stay with us - like he could conquer a giant funnel of wind and force of nature! You know what he can now!!!! He will always be there protecting and somehow I have a feeling that will never stop. I don't know what my future holds but I know he can hear me and will do whatever he can to keep protecting us.

Hannah and I are hanging out laughing, talking and watching the cat go all crazy nuts with the storm. Great bonding time but I'd much rather have a good night's rest tonight. When we went into the bathroom I grabbed the picture of Scott and I, my laptop so I could watch the storm on the net and all the pillows and blankets from the bedrooms (that tub gets hard!) It is amazing to me the power of technology and not feeling so alone tonight. Texting and facebook keeps you connected and alleviates some of the fears.

It was funny to be able to post pics of the crazy cat confined with us in such a small space. She kept moving so when it calmed down she relaxed and rested. I have so many people that care about us. I know I'm not alone when I get texts and worried FB posts from so many people. As a matter of fact I just got another text. I know there is power beyond what we can see. There has to be just a thin veil from one world to the next but we haven't reached the point in our soul development where we can see it all. We feel the light and love and if you are quiet enough you can hear it too.

I guess once again it isn't my time but I can keep living and finding my peace in what is the life I have been given. I do know that my journey in life matters! Now I think I need to have a discussion with God and Scott about these storms. I understand nature and all of that but can they see if they can lesson the storms and just send a peaceful calming rain! We need rain not Tornadoes!!

Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasures! The theme for tonight's Dancing with the Stars. It is amazing to me how much music touches all of our lives. You can be a celebrity or just one of the common man. It makes me think about how much music is a part of my life now. I have this soundtrack that plays all the time. Music in all kinds of genres find it's way into each day in all kinds of places. I think that is one of my guilty pleasures. I treasure thinking that I will forever be surrounded by music.

Now as I sit here watching DWTS I think about other guilty pleasures in my life that are from Scott. German Chocolate Cake which I had a piece of tonight! Some of those things I miss so very much. The little moments of life and guilty pleasures. I guess it is time to find new guilty pleasure or you know what is even better to focus on my own guilty pleasures. Driving around singing at the top of my lungs, you don't want to hear it but it gives me joy. I have other things I enjoy; reading my romance novels on my Kindle, sitting in my place on the patio. These are things I truly enjoy and some of them are from before Scott and some of them are after Scott.

I like that I am finding myself again. That I can have a life free of guilt from being alive when he is gone but filled with things I like to do. I want to keep living. I want to keep experiencing my life's guilty pleasures and maybe find some new ones! I like things and people in my life who make me smile and laugh. I am a new person in the same body. I like learning about myself each day. Is it okay to say that finding this new person inside of me is one of my guilty pleasures? I feel like I have been infused with the self-confidence Scott was always pushing me towards. Now just don't expect me to be all wild though, that might just be a bit over the top with guilty pleasures!

Bring on the Ferro-roche! That is my ultimate guilty pleasure and one that Scott supplied me for last Easter with two giant bunnies full of candy. I still don't want to eat the candy but I know he would be so very disappointed that I was so sad I let it spoil. Maybe tonight I will read my book in the tub full of bubbles eating a truffle! Now that sounds like a fitting ultimate guilty pleasure to my future. I can do this one day at a time because I am only promised today.

The Hereafter!

I tried to sink myself into a hidden abyss today. I slept and slept and slept. I tried to do that all day but eventually the meds wear off. I wandered around the house moving things from one spot to the other. I'm not sad or depressed just lost. Does that make sense? I feel lost wandering around the house. I'm not sure I have a purpose today. I tried to make sense of my space and where I belong. I am so very different then I was before.

I looked outside the front window and found my Cardinal in my yard. I was able to capture his image and suddenly my spirit felt lighter. I can't explain the feelings but I felt love. I sat for 30 minutes watching as he would look straight at me. I was in the house sitting on the floor looking out the window. I was much better and not dwelling on life and the pain.

I rented the movie Hereafter! I'm sitting here feeling so many things watching this movie. Most of all I understand but yet I don't understand. I don't know what I should be doing today but I like to step out, smell the air and feel the warmth of the sun. I want a life to lead. I want to make each moment count. I'm glad today was a day that ended up counting. I was lost but I found myself somehow today. I found myself in my heart. I can make it. I will make it. Today was the last day of all the firsts for the year. I have a place in this world I am to be. I know I'm guided. I know we each have a reason for being in each other's lives. Take the time to touch another. Find the time to step outside your box and reach for a hand to hold.  It will be worth it sometime when you least expect it!