Onward and Upward

Have you ever wanted something in your life but you just don't know how to go about getting it? I'm trying and I guess patience is the best answer. I can feel it just out of reach and untouchable. Does that make sense? I always love a challenge but getting on with a life is a bit much some days. I can feel life tickling my toes. Tempting me to make those left turns that I have avoided all year.

I know exactly the things I need to do and somehow there are those people in my life who keep giving me a hand. I want to leap frog over some of this stuff but well that just isn't happening. I like the moments that make me smile and laugh. I love the people in my life who make me smile and laugh. There is nothing more healing then having those moments in your life. I love moments of being silly and laughing. I miss the moments of acting my shoe size and not my age!

The other day, Rhonda and I were laughing, not just a chuckle but a deep laugh about how cute one of our resident's was that morning. It felt so good to feel that in my soul. One of those left turns that just happens. I love the feeling but laughter and light heartedness are just on the edge of being there more often. Reaching so very close to the me that is stuck sometimes. Putting myself in a place that could bring heartache but also being a part of life. I go through so many ups and downs through the days but I have realized my smile and laughter matters to other people. I like being happy. I'm not so sad but I can't explain how terrifying that is!

I miss me too along with missing Scott. I feel like when Scott died all of me went with him yet here I am left behind making it day by day. There are huge things I want in my life and I will reach them with patience and guidance. It takes time and I keep trying. I won't give up because I'm not that person. I want to be happy. I want to prove to myself, the world but most of all my daughter that loss of love doesn't mean loss of yourself. It is possible to be happy in silence, quiet or with others in your life. It isn't a forced feeling with some people. It is as natural process and I'm happy to have at least one person I don't feel left behind. Slowly others will emerge but I must have patience that life doesn't happen overnight.