Protecting My Daughter

How do you help your own child deal with grief when you are on overload? I've worried about her through this year but last night something happened that deserves it's own blog. We attended the visitation and put the flowers on Scott's grave (that words gives me the creeps). I know that had to be horribly hard to see my name right there with Scott's - knowing that life is not endless.

We spent the large part of the trip there talking about life and things that are happening. It has always been great place for us to talk and have fun together, riding in the car! I love my daughter so very much. I wish with all my heart I could have protected her from ever losing someone in her life she dearly loved. Scott was a great father to both girls but you know Hannah was with us more often then Laynie. I can still see them sitting on the floor in the living room doing Algebra homework and memorizing "Oh Captain, My Captain" for English class. He was such a huge part of her day to day life also!

I know she has been strong and stoic at times but I know her heart misses him too. She misses knowing he was there for her and held her up when I was dying. He would hug and kiss me and she would walk up and hug me from the other side. She taught Laynie how to say "ewww gross" and try to separate us. She helped him plan the perfect spot to propose and then gave him grief after he couldn't wait. She taught him to swim! The hardest part was knowing how much pain I have endured.

She keeps worrying that there will be someone there to take care of me. She worries about me being alone and not having a life except for the cat when she is gone. I am working so very hard on proving to her that I can live alone, be alone and not be lonely! My beautiful, smart, funny, incredible daughter is an old soul. She doesn't get ruffled easily but she keeps things inside too much.

After we left the cemetery we were headed back through town when Hannah watched a puppy get run over by the truck in front of us. She saw the dog run into the street, the hit and the blood and the bouncing. I heard immediate crying. I couldn't do anything to comfort her. I drove and talked. I told her to do what we know is right - PRAY. We finally got to a point where we could talk. She just kept crying and telling me she was going to have horrible nightmares. We talked about how accidents happen and that just as with Scott's accident there was nothing we could have done for the puppy. I keep thinking how the person who hit the dog must have felt. I just makes me grimace with the thought.

Sometimes I just don't know how to help her other then be there for her. I love her more then my own life. I would love to make it all right and be in the life we had. I know she feels the same way. I don't know what I will do with my life in three years but I do know I will keep doing what ever I can to let her know she is what matters in my life. If I could protect her from all the pain in life I would but I also know she will be one strong woman in life because of all that she has been handed in her short life.  I love you Hannah!