My Toolbox

Wild week is all I can say. I need a shot of adrenaline again but I don't feel like driving anywhere to get it so I use what coping skills I have in my GIANT toolbox. Work helped deal with today. I not only have the fortune of passing a year mark without Scott on the dates but I also get the holiday that MOVES each year as the day he died. You know it would be okay if it were on the fourth Sunday of the eighteenth month or something like that but no I get a rotating holiday of the celebration of Jesus' Victory over Death and the promise of eternal life. I can see the irony but it doesn't make me want to celebrate. It makes me cry, it makes me angry and then I feel guilty because I'm still angry and frustrated with that part of my faith. Yes I pray everyday but sometimes I would really just like to ignore all the symbols. I have faith and I know that is how I have survived but suffering the loss on a day of celebration of Life is hard for me. Scott has eternal life but I have had to learn to not be jealous that I got left behind.

Do you know that Easter was originally a pagan holiday of renewal and rebirth? It was celebrated in early spring to the pagan goddess Eastre. When the pagans conversion to Christianity occurred the celebration was around the same time as the celebration of Jesus' resurrection so the two holidays were merged into what we as Christians now know as Easter. I've never said I don't believe, don't misunderstand I believe but in my own time I will find a way to move past this irrational behavior. Maybe one day I will allow someone to take my hand and guide me back into all of my faith and religion. The tool that I need to fix what is broken will appear when I am ready or most importantly when God believes I am ready.

I have changed this last year in ways that I have only let a few people know how. I may write this blog each day but I don't share it all. There are so many things I still need that tool box to repair and sometimes you can't fix it yourself. That's when you call in the repairman. It's not important that I fix everything myself but I also have to be on board. When I find the person to guide me it will be someone I trust will all my fears and joys. I know I have God on my side because he keeps putting tools in that toolbox and people to help me learn to use them!

Like I said this week has been crazy and stressful. I learned of another loss in my life this afternoon. You have to admire the power of the Internet and facebook! The most influential teacher in my life passed away. It is how the circle of life works but I seem to feel surrounded in personal loss. I know she touch hundreds of lives and in those touches she helped shape lives of decades of overachievers! I was blessed to have her touch my life!

So my toolbox took me outside tonight for a swim under the stars of Texas. I used the exercise and time with Hannah to regroup and destress. I'm less angry for the holiday weekend and will remember to celebrate life not morn it. To accept the gifts I have been given and continue to live forward. There will never be a cure for grief because it is part of the growth of my soul and my ability to make the difference in the life of others! I know I matter in life right now to others, therefore, I must keep living forward. Now I don't know if I'm ready to face Church and religion but I must be close because I'm talking about it. Please surround me with your light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way. Keep adding to my toolbox and continue sending people to help me use the tools I have been given. My path will continue to unfold and I must live forward!