Kitchens

Why is it that when a loved one dies the kitchen always gets cleaned? Today Amy and I spent the afternoon busying our hands with tidying the kitchen and cleaning out the refrigerator. I'm worn out and exhausted but I feel like I know how much Scott wants his momma taken care of and loved. I have that in my heart. At one point I looked at Amy and said I feel like Scott is laughing at us and about that moment the dog ran into the kitchen and started barking.

When Scott died I was surrounded by so many people but the one person I remember was one of my four Mother-in-laws. Bertti was my kitchen cleaner. I don't think my kitchen has ever been so tidy. I just have fleeting moments of memory of her in the kitchen and taking care of me. How many women get four mother-in-laws? Mike came with three and then Scott's mom. I love them all.

I know you are all very worried about how this bit of change in the world is effecting me and my memories of Scott and our life together. I am still standing strong. I  know I have made it to a place in my life where I have been able to keep going. I am a very different person then I was a year ago. I am a very different person then I was a month ago. I don't know how to explain the difference but I am making it still living each day I have been handed. I know what I need in my life but as always I must be patient with what I know is waiting for me. I know it is there because Scott promised me. I will try to remain patient even with my type A personality and OCD!

Today I went to the cemetery alone before I came home. I sat on the ground as the sun started to set. I know Scott is in my heart forever but I know I understand the point of continuing to live forward each day. I used to want to waste away with the pain in my heart. The pain remains but I have learned to live each day I have been given. My heart has promise for continued love.

Today when I arrived home I took my rings off and laid them on the bedside table where they go everyday before I go to bed.  I stopped and read my little bookmark that tells me each day I have the strength to go on. I just know that my Angel gives me strength once again to do what I didn't know I had it in me to do! I cleaned the kitchen. I wish I could do more but I know Scott is happy I was able to be there for his mother. He didn't want any of this to happen but we live with the days we are given. I will keep living forward into each day that is mine. I have a purpose and apparently I'm really good at holding hands and cleaning kitchens.

Adore Always, Remember Forever, Love to Infinity and Beyond. Today I ask to be surrounded by Your Light and Love, guide me, protect me and show me the way. I will listen in the silence for your answers to where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to do.