Our Daily Gift

This day has been an introspective crazy day. I'm not sure up from down today. Scott's Dad isn't doing well and all I keep praying for is that he finds peace. I don't know what I'm thinking other then I'm numb. I want to help. I'm just waiting for the word. So all I can do is keep praying. I'm really good at that. My faith was shaken a year ago but I prayed. It wasn't the answer I wanted but it was the answer I received. I have learned that the best thing is prayer. I can do just that keep praying. It is all I can do right now. I know I have to step over my own selfish barriers to a new wave of grief that this has brought upon me. I know I'm not alone with the pain but I'm so scared. Peace that is what I pray for Charles and the rest of the family.

I have to keep tackling all the bumps in the road but sometimes my heart just hurts for a life that should be here making the family come together and making the choices. That isn't what happened but I know in my heart Scott is helping Charles. How can he not be? Maybe that was one of the reason God took Scott from us on Earth. His plan for Scott is greater then we can imagine. I just have to accept that when it is my time he will be there for me in our castle in the sky.

All of this makes me deal with my emotions but they keep coming out in physical ways. I am a mess. My body feels like it is dying and I can't sleep still. I need to find my place for sleep. I have ideas but it's okay if that still is another place to reach for. I can't fix it all over night!  I just keep living forward. Hannah was out with her Dad for their Thursday night time so I went outside. The pool was 82 so I grabbed the suit and stepped in. I took a bit because I'm such a wienie when it comes to cold water but before I knew it I was swimming. I was really swimming laps! I was in a place that I LOVE to be.

I have struggled with water since Scott died. Even the bathtub took be a long time before I could sit there and not just cry. We loved being in the water together, the bath, the shower, the pool, or the lake. It has been a battle but tonight I got in the pool. I felt him with me. I could see those crazy orange swim trunks but I didn't panic. I swam hard and fast. I wore myself out. Maybe now I can sleep! Maybe the exercise will let me really sleep for an entire night. I don't know but I'm trying. I did it on my own. I am doing this. I am doing things without thinking. I am doing things without asking for a hand to hold me up. I am doing things with lots of prayer. I have to keep finding my own strength and will to survive each and everyday.

I know I wouldn't have made it this far without the love and support behind me. I know if I try something and fail I can ask for help. I can reach out and I will be surrounded as always with love. I just keep taking each day as a gift. We are not guaranteed a tomorrow so we must embrace the life we live today and be thankful for the days we have already lived. We have a Daily Gift to give and receive. Take a moment and lift for the answers to your path.