Greenness of My Heart

"Who would have thought my shrivel'd heart
Could have recovered greenness?" - George Herbert

I have never thought my heart was shriveled but some days it has sure felt like it. As I sit out on the patio breathing in the hot humid summer weather on an April day I think about the people and things around me that I have touched that continue to grow. I nurture my daughter, my family and friends, my plants why is it so hard to nurture your own heart at times.

I have travelled this road at a time in my life when I should be living life to the fullest. Scott and I never did anything in the right order in our relationship. It's probably a good thing kids were out of the possibility of our relationship because we probably would have done that all out of order too! Is there really a timeline for life and love or is it just something that some type A/OCD person like myself has dictated that we must do in order to conform to society?

I think the different me was a bit hidden but there inside me all along. Is it crazy that there are somethings I want to do to step outside of my comfort zone? No I'm not going to go all Harley girl, tequila swilling, party hopper! That would be on the opposite side of my normal. But then again maybe zip line in Alaska is all I need! Maybe flying to Fiji on my own is all I need. This is my life now. I have Hannah but you know what those four years I had before she left the house has turned into three! I know I've got the alone thing down. I don't feel lonely but companionship would be good at some point.

I was watching a movie on Saturday night with J. Lo. "The Back-up Plan" Cute movie but in it her "Nana" has been "dating" this man for 23 years! He is 92 and she finally agrees to marry him. It was so cute. They had found a life together and she had been afraid for all those years to just take the plunge. I'm not saying I want to take the plunge ever again but I don't want to be 90 and have just wasted the rest of my life. Scott will never be replaced in my heart but geez it would be fun to have someone to go do things. Yes Girls you are great and I love my girlfriends but we all know that conversations are different! I am saying I'm open to these steps I'm supposed to take when the time is right.

I just figured out that I'm alive so I'm not really pushing the envelope yet but my fingers are just sharing the words in my brain. I'm not planning out a future because I'm living each day as I've been given. Besides, I'm not sure my family genetics will help me get to 92 plus they need to find a cure for MS. I, however, have found the cure for grief! It hasn't killed me because I faced it head on! I am stronger each day because I continue to live forward surrounded by God's love given to me by my friends and family. I will always have infinity and beyond. Now I guess I'd better get back to planning the nature I can nurture. I need flowers out here to complement my roses!