Tangled

I know I have once again evolved and changed. Not because of something that happened to me but because I choose to make a change. Today I had a beautiful day with an old friend and a new friend. I flirted, smiled and laughed with our tour bus driver. I am happy and sad today all at the same time. I heard a funny that reminded me of a friend. I sat at dinner with tears in my eyes. I laughed. I lived! I am so much more then I was a year ago. I am me! I have the strength to live a life that wasn't one that I choose for myself.

I think about Scott nonstop but it doesn't keep me from living. I miss my daughter horribly but I haven't lost her. I love the power of technology. I can send her crazy pictures all day long and feel her love always. I know that my life is for her but also for me. I have found inside myself the thing I have been searching for all year. The power to live for myself! I have lived for everyone else. I have held myself together for everyone else. I have crumbled but pulled myself together for everyone else. I needed to figure out how to live for me.

Scott and I had our last date tonight one year ago. We went to the grocery store! We kissed and laughed and loved all in the HEB. We held hands and enjoyed every moment. I can still see him standing with me in the produce aisle! I can still see him standing with me in the laundry detergent aisle. I can feel him walking up behind me touching me and hugging me. I will forever be in those memories. I know there will never be a day that will go by without a thought of him. That, however, has taught me how to live for myself.

I have done so many things in three days that I have not done in an entire 40+ years of living! I'm not saying it has been easy! Not by far! I'm know the rest of whatever my life holds will be good and bad but I CAN SURVIVE! Even when I want to leave and hide! I am not saying I will ever be healed. I will always have the baggage of my life with me. I am saying that the load is mine to bear not alone but with the love of GOD who has given me so much in my life. Most importantly my daughter! I also have a system of family and friends that amazes me daily. I do have a life that is mine.

I knew we all have people we look at and wish we could be them or have the things they have. I don't! I have looked at the homes and admired the history but I don't want to be the people in them. I don't want to learn how to be anyone else because we all have our own struggles and battles to be the best we can be. I want to be surrounded by light and love. I have the power to keep that feeling alive and share it.

Tonight we watched the movie Tangled. It is certainly a new variation of the old story. The Princess was strong and found where she was to be. She found the life she wanted. The fairytale that isn't fair is she had the power to bring back her love. She had the ability to live the life she wanted. This is the story we all want when we lose someone we love! We all want the power to keep them with us forever. The true power is finding the strength to live after they have moved to another plane. Scott is with me always because he loves me to infinity and beyond. His love has given me the power to find how to live for myself.

April 4 will never be the same but I have the power to ask God to be surrounded by His light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way. The path I have been given is part of my soul. I take my memories and live for myself. If others join me along the way (friends, family or another to love) then I welcome them with open arms but you get me warts and all. I  am the Princess that has broken out of her shell to conquer her fears of living!