Created Anew

"At every point in the human journey we find that we have to let go in order to move forward; and letting go means dying a little. In the process we are being created anew, awakened afresh to the source of our being." -Kathleen R. Fischer

I seem to keep stepping into quotes without skipping around from one point to the other in my daily grief inspiration book. I haven't finished the year of the book when I bought it so I do still read. I may also continue to read long after I have finished the first year because I do believe that I will have more to keep learning and growing. I'm pretty sure that once I read the quotes again, first I won't remember great spans of time and second they will now mean different things to me.

I am finding that I have been having an awakening of sorts these days. I am who I am but I am different! I'm not sure that makes sense. I feel like a turtle peeking it's head out of the shell checking around and getting the lay of the land. I know it would be very easy for me to step back but right now it might be okay if I keep inching out someday I will be there and like a friend says I will have made a left turn and not even known it! Yes I can connect a turtle and a left turn! My brain just works that way and the good things is there are actually people in my world who can follow me!

I don't know what will happen in the rest of my life. There are times I would like to better understand how I got here and what it all means but I think if I keep trying to live forward it will someday put me somewhere else. Scott and I shared a beautiful life and a relationship that I treasure. He gave me a love that will never die. We always knew that we had to step forward to be together and for that I have no regrets. I may be here on this plane of life alone but Love just doesn't die. He is and will always be a thought, prayer and love away.

I guess what I want to say is that no matter who you are right this moment and the life you have been given you have a choice about how you handle the path you have been given. I'm not always perky and cheerful. I still have things that drive me crazy nuts but I do know if I step back and breathe I can then live forward again. I don't always like sitting out here alone. There are thousands of times I wish with all my heart Scott was sitting here with me -he'd be going stir crazy just sitting though - or even that I was doing something else. I'm trying not to bury myself in life's activities but still take the time to listen to my journey and my heart.

I can hear the crunch of the cat eating junebugs. I can hear the chirp of the crickets. I can hear the bark of a distant dog. I can hear birds tweeting. I can hear cars off in the distance. But in all the sounds I can hear answers to my prayers. If you take the time to sit in the stillness of the night, clear your mind and just listen you can hear the answers. You can feel the love and light surrounding you. I know the path I am on. I know where I am supposed to be right now at this time in my life. Last year I would have given my own life to not have to deal with the pain but I knew that choice would only cause more pain. I am a person with a giving heart. I still have much love to give and I know there are people in my life who understand that part of my soul.

I have recently met a person who lost her husband five years ago and I feel the negative energy and pain radiating from her. No matter what I say or do I can't help her. She doesn't want to live the life she has been given and for her I feel nothing but sadness. I can only offer her what I have to give but I can't allow her pain to become mine. Right now I still need to focus on my own ability to live forward. I still have my own baggage and burdens to bear. I keep trying but sometimes walking away and knowing you have offered love may seem selfish but I can't control the lives of others.

I am where I am to be at this moment in time. I have a journey to continue because I recognize the power of love from this plane to the next. I am reaching for peace in my heart. Yesterday one of the maintenance guys I work with looked at me and said, "Where you going this weekend?" He also lost his wife years ago and he knows I flew away without any planning! I told him not much when he laughed and said, "Let's go to the coast and drive in the sand!" I know my life is about helping others as I learn to help myself. My smile matters to so many and in my peace I find my smile grows.

My soul continues to find the path of life with all the bumps and "chuckholes" (that one is for Scott!) He will never be gone from my heart and yes I still believe our love is for infinity and beyond but my heart still has room. Someday I may find the path for religion but I don't think God minds as long as I still have faith in the power of His light and love. I know I will keep listening for my answers to continue this difference this being "created anew!"