Power to Survive

I have learned something about myself today. I spent four hours outside my comfort zone. I went somewhere without plans and walked around amongst total strangers without someone close by that I knew. I had lunch by myself. I took pictures and marveled at the wonders around me! I have led a very sheltered and protected life. I have panic attacks thinking about doing new things.  Today I survived and enjoyed myself. Small steps are best. I haven't gone some where yet that is completely unfamiliar without help. I am with a friend and knew I had an anchor if I needed it! I didn't need it! I am truly a homebody but now maybe I can find a spot to really disappear and not be afraid of  my own shadow.

I don't know if it will ever mean I will be able to move alone. If I will be able to move past that spot. Once I've done something once I'm generally good and can manage to go alone. It certainly is more fun to do things with someone else in your life though. I know I still have Hannah and we make great travel buddies. I was told yesterday that the next step my friend is afraid for me is when Hannah goes to college. She thinks I will be stuck again and be frozen in a life that I live because it is comfortable. I'm trying to learn how to get out of that zone before it is time for Hannah to go to college. I explored a large downtown city area on my own and I'm still alive! I'm still breathing and I had fun!

Tonight we drove to see another friend about 90 minutes from where where are. Joe has been a constant support and I got to meet his lovely wife Cathy for the first time! I went to dinner with two other couples and I didn't feel alone, I felt so much love from my friends. There is something wonderful about a kiss and a hug.  I didn't feel as if I was missing out on not being a couple. I still miss Scott but I know he loves me. I know the answer for the question "What does Scott want you to do?" Scott wants me to keep living. I can tell you that I am trying! I will keep trying.

I am working on being me. I have taken the dare and I think I have proven I have some power inside myself just as Margaret Brown "The Unsinkable Molly Brown" proved not just in surviving the sinking of the Titanic but in her lifelong support of the underdog in all areas of her life. I may not be the first woman to get a driver's license in the City of Denver. I may not fight for the rights of women to vote! I may not be a survivor of the sinking of the Titanic. I am, however, showing the world I can survive and come out the other side stronger then I was before. I did lose the man I love but I am surviving because I know I haven't lost the memories of the love. It will do me no good to ignore the next days because they keep coming. They have meaning but I think the focus on his love is more important then the actual loss itself. I have a purpose and I will find the place I am supposed to be surrounded by light and love, with protection and guidance to show me the way. My communication with God will not just be about what I need but taking the time to listen for the answers on my journey.