Not Forgetting the Pain

"We cannot afford to forget any experience, not even the most painful." -Dag Hammarskjold

Tonight I did a lot of remembering of the most painful experience in my life. Hannah and I attended the visitation for Scott's Dad in the same funeral home where Scott was. I keep saying I don't recall much from back then but then again I do. I feel the immense pain and loneliness standing in a room full of people and just wanting to scream to leave me be. Bring him back. This shouldn't be happening and I shouldn't be standing here in an outfit Scott picked out for me for our honeymoon. Those were all the feelings that floored me today. The panic was just below the surface and the fear of reliving those nightmare days over again.

I think a huge part of my problem is the lack of sleep still. I don't know why I'm still standing most days or even how for that matter. I guess I should just thank the drug manufacturer's for giving me that. It is, however, possible for me to outwit the drugs sometimes in my brain. I can never forget the pain of all those days, weeks, months, I'm still not up to years yet. I don't think the pain will ever go away but here I am surviving it on a different level! I am at peace in my heart. I can feel the light and love surrounding me from some strange people at times but who am I to judge why I have the support I have. I just accept it.

The pain is just as much a part of me as the love! I'm just glad I'm able to give love to others. I am thrilled that love just doesn't come in one little shape or size. Tonight when I walked into the funeral home, I saw for the first time in a year, one of Scott's best friends. He made me remember happiness and made me feel good about being able to live forward. I still have tons of living to do and I'm not giving up even when I have to remember the pain. I try to thank each of you individually for holding me up but sometimes there are so many that I may not get all the words out. So thank you for touching each day I have been given.

Tonight I was there for support. I met a friend in person that I made because of losing Scott. She is always so kind and it was nice to be able to hug in person. Tonight I couldn't walk near the casket but Amy, Hannah and I were able to take the casket spray out to the cemetery in the dark to place on Scott's grave. We got stopped at the railroad tracks and had to find a different way around just as the sun was setting. Scott's message was "there is always a different path to face an obstacle!" As got out of the car Hannah looked at me and said, "How does it feel to know this is where you will be buried?" I'm good with that! It is where my body will be when the time comes. Scott is my forever to infinity and beyond. If there is someone else out there for me that would be God's will but Scott and I were given our time for a reason. 

I can face the pain because of our love. In that love there are so many things that happen that seem unimportant. The best thing I can continue doing is living forward in my time with God and Scott surrounding me with light and love. Giving me hope through friends and family to keep going. My heart is at peace for the moment because I have been able to face the pain and sorrow by walking straight through it. I am forever changed for the good because of a love of a lifetime crammed into five years! He is there waiting across the bridge behind the thin veil with his arms wide open for me when I get to make that journey. I know it's not my time but I am at peace and will be living until I do get my wish!