Denali

I stood in Denali National Park this morning and cried. I was completely alone yet I wasn't. I felt the wind and listened to the birds and the tears fell. Magnificent is the only word I can find to describe this morning. I have a feeling this will continue but I know Scott right there with me. Because to interrupt my moment was a mosquito over an inch long! See I found the humor in the moment.

Yesterday we arrived in Denali. Had a dinner in the village, made it back to our hotel for our tour with Homestead Huskies. Jeff King picked us up, led our tour of his place and proved the dogs are the athletes. He's just the servant. The views are breathtaking and the weather is cool for us. High today 55. I had to keep Hannah from bringing home a puppy. Luckily they count them!

Today we got up at the crack of dawn. Oh wait there is no dawn. We got up at 4:30 am to be ready for our tour - Denali Wildlife and History tour. A four hour school bus ride 17 miles with the Ultimate view of real nature. A grizzly chasing a moose and it's calf. There will be more today. A plane ride to view Mt McKinley and a landing on Ruth Glacier. This is truly a trip of a lifetime and joy toward my future.

True Emotion

I can tell I am different once again. The first flight took off today for Denver and I sat with tears streaming down my face. Not out of sorrow and sadness but that I have made it this far. I'm ready with an excitement I haven't know in all these long months. I have the power to find the joy in life that has been missing.

I think I've found my spirit again. I've been living but not really here. I'm happy but missing something. I'm not sure that makes sense but I'm finding emotions right now that I have buried. I like to hear I'm where I'm supposed to be at that moment. Yesterday I felt that more then ever when my friend returned to work after the initial processes one finds themselves after the death of a loved one. I could see the difference in him that I'm not sure most people would notice. I understand and I knew I was where I was supposed to be for my friend.

Today my journey may be further along the path but will not be one ever forgotten. Living even with the best of circumstances isn't easy so God does give each of us strength in his light and love to live forward. Scott will always be in my heart but I have places I'm supposed to be when the time is right. I will keep living forward and now I'm learning how to feel true excitement, joy and wonder once again. Just like I had 15 months ago being kissed in front of the castle at my favorite place.

Packing List

Work - done
Bags - packed
Boarding Passes - printed
Mexican food - one more meal to go!
Batteries - charged
Passports - in the backpack
Buzz - ready to board planes, trains, automobiles and some big 'ol ship

Hannah and I are too excited to sleep. I know I am right where I am supposed to be. Thank you Betsy for reminding me when I forget. I keep remembering what this trip means to me and where I have traveled from to get to this point. It isn't about the miles. It is about the journey for me to keep living. Today I am proud of myself for stepping forward to this moment in time. I am ready to continue my journey. I don't know what that means but I await each day with open arms.

Tomorrow will be a long day for traveling and several time changes but for this small town girl it is an adventure. The only thing I can think of that will happen when it is supposed to be is our trip to Fiji - someday. My goal is to find magic in my life and I think one day at a time is the way it has been happening. Now let's see if I've forgotten anything. I'm not sure if I can make my usual "I forgot something" stop at Wal-mart while on a cruise ship!

North to Alaska

Alaska the story behind this trip. Several years ago Scott and I sat in the Dubl-R talking and laughing about places we would like to go together. Scott looked at me and said, "write this down! Let's make a list of each State and places we want to see." He started the list with Alaska. He specifically said, "a cruise in Alaska!" The the list moved on to other places but this was always the first thing on the list. We have crossed a few other things off the list but this one seems to be a special place in my heart. That list still resides on my computer and I will make each place happen for me because it is important to me!

Fast forward to where I am now - sitting in a living room full of Hannah's clothing that needs to be packed into suitcases and the front room full of my clothes. At least I'm organized and that far ahead of the game today. Fourteen, almost fifteen months ago, my Mom and Aunt were talking about taking this cruise because they had always wanted to go too. We talked and before I knew it Hannah and I were signed up to go with them. Mike heard and there we have the complete party with he and his wife. So let's see if you can follow along with this cast of characters, Mom, Bob, Aunt T, Uncle Greg, Mike, Pam, Hannah and I. We are off to the Mixed Nuts Family Vacation to celebrate life, love and birthdays.

I don't know what the future holds for me but I do know this trip has given me an excitement about my life that I haven't had since my last trip with Scott. He is here with me always. He has given me a life to live and look forward into tomorrow. Who knows maybe my place will be found on this cruise. Maybe I will leave this lost feeling behind. I know that I will feel the power that has drawn me forward into this adventure become stronger as I see the majesty of God's creations. My journey will be shared here as I want you all to feel power this trip means to my life as I continue to live forward. Today is our wedding anniversary for the rest of my life. To infinity and beyond, my love!

Love not Duty

"I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death." - Elizabeth Barrett Browning "Love is a better teacher than duty." - Albert Einstein Ah what a day to be in love. As I sit outside I pondering the mysteries of life I still find no answers except one. To be loved and to give love makes this world complete. I am amazed at the peace I feel with my life. I am happy and very lucky to truly know Scott's love and I don't ever have to doubt that. He left this Earthly world telling me of his love and I continue to find moments where he shows me still just through the people that continue to be in my life. Hannah is home and my first month of a quiet lonely house is over for now. I tried to work myself into craziness but somehow I have survived. Today we ran errands and she drove when it hit me that she knows basic driving because Scott loved her enough to teach her before he left us. Now here we are moving forward in life but he still reminds us both of the lessons he shared with us. I will make it because I know how to share the love he gave me. The gift shouldn't be held locked away. Love will continue to teach me how to live each day forward. Life isn't a chore to just do because I must. I make the choice to live because I have love to share. I sit here looking over the palm trees left to be removed and the ones that are gone knowing what I must do. I have struggled with the Palm trees in the landscape but tonight as I was trying to decide what would look good in those places I hear in my head, "My heart plant new palms in my memory. Give them love and they will grow." He is right. That is what I must do. Provide love to another of God's creations and watch it grow just as I have done all these months. It will not be out of duty but because love is what is in my heart and soul to continue sharing in my life.

What Might Have Been!

So how does one stop yourself from playing the "what might have been" game? It is time once again for an anniversary of a beautiful marriage celebration. There is a Little Texas song that plays called "What Might Have Been." When Mike and I first started dating that song played ALL the time. He used to accuse me of thinking about a different life with the guy I dated in college when that song played. It wasn't true and even today when we hear the song we start laughing. It plays a lot if we are in talking on the phone while I'm in the car. Today it would be true. I do think of what might have been but with Scott.

This weekend we should be doing so many other things. I know that is daily and for the most part I do really well at not going there but I keep wandering how we would be celebrating our first anniversary together, I think it is only natural but what makes it worse is knowing so many people getting married this weekend. It's a good thing I'm not attending but focusing on something positive that IS in my life right now. The part of my life that is a positive because of this weekend -Hannah!

How did I get there? Well you see My marriage to Scott was to take place on the date Mike and I met. Happy accident. Scott never knew. He picked our wedding date because of our birthdays and it was good with me because it made a day ours. So 18 years ago this weekend I met the father of my daughter. I am very grateful for this day because it is a celebration of life and love for Scott and I but also for the life of Hannah. I don't think I want to play the "what might have been game" ever again for this weekend! I want to celebrate LOVE! It will always be a twinge of tears but the magic can never be diminished as I see Hannah's face or think about Faulkenstein Castle and a trip to Minnesota where I did get to say "I Do!" I do choose to keep living.

Thank you my friends for getting me through the worst weekend of my life last year. I wont be alone all weekend because my true love comes home tomorrow and we embark on a trip that will make Scott proud that I have the strength to keep living forward. I can make it until Tuesday! I will make it and I will see the true majestic power of God! He will never fail me even in the moments I think He has. We are all connected you are in my life for a reason and I Love You!

Feet and Fellowship

Have I told you lately that I have the best support system in the world? We all know that there are times I just flat out wouldn't have made it another day if it werent for all of you. I can honestly say more then once I had to work really hard to keep myself off the road to Scott's pond because I would have rather driven right on in. I finally let myself go only after I knew I was ready to see the scene. Shock is a good thing because it keeps you from horrors that should never be repeated.

There are several people who are in my life for reasons that just dont make sense. I'm good with that! I have a spiritual connection that I thank God for allowing us to have. This evening I enjoyed fellowship and feet time with my dear friend Lisa. We can talk for hours in circles never repeating a thing and end up right back where we were. Today my heart filled with joy as she told me how very proud of me she is. I know so many of you are but I know I still have a road to travel that continues to be bumpy. I may continue to have to take the road a bit slower but there is no speed limit to life.

We laughed today when I was telling her about the grocery store and dating. I don't have a purpose to date, I can avoid it for now just like the grocery store. There are far more enjoyable pasttimes for me and who wants to date someone who has an irrational fear of the grocery store. We both started laughing. I'm glad I have friends who understand my nutty sense of humor and how my brain works. Laughter is so healing. Finding moments from great pain and building a new life takes courage and strength. I dont always have that in my heart but my friends keep me grounded in the truth of light and love.

So when you are feeling like the world is crumbling around you and nothing makes sense turn your head a bit to the right or left. You may be surprised at the rows a friends standing around you. Accepting a loving hand doesn't mean you are weak. It is the opposite. We aren't meant to journey life alone. The battles we fight may be very personal but that doesn't equal alone. Reaching out to a friend will impact their life just as much as yours. So for that I'm truly thankful for my friend who I enjoy feet and fellowship. We always manage to find the goose bump moments that make us know we are connected on a plane beyond what we can see. Thank you to each of you for being in my life for reasons not always seen. I am truly blessed by God's Light and Love.