Power to Wish

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
       - Richard Bach


Yes I can make my wishes come true! I believe in the magic and the power of dreams. It may be the best way to keep my goals in front of me. I know I'm going to make it. I know how far I've come but it is so hard sometimes to see the future. The battles just keep happening. I'm worn out but I know I am the only one who can do some of these battles. There are days when I hate my life, well I should be clearer and say I hate events in my life. My life is otherwise good. Not always good but great moments make it possible to keep going.


I'm fighting battles that I know I don't have to do on my own. I am choosing to make changes in my life because I have to stay around for Hannah. If stress and no immune system lower my chances for being here for the big events of my daughter's life then no amount of money earned and battles fought with petty people matter. I like the moments where I listen to my heart and travel the path that makes a difference to a life other then mine. 


Tomorrow will be a new journey. I have to make it know I can but I'm scared to do this alone. I know Scott is with me but having that hand to hold mine and the kiss that it's okay! I love you! goes so much further. I'm scared but I'm trying not to worry. How can it not all be okay when I keep hearing, My Heart I'm here. I don't need to worry or panic. I can do this on my own. I don't have a choice. My wishes can come true but I have to be here for all of them to happen! Just say prayers for me! I need my Angels called out in full force. I need to know I can make it further into my steps living forward. I wish, I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight!  Bring on the fireworks, oh wait that's in three weeks. 

Doors Held Open

I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible to you.
       - Matthew 17:20


I have that feeling that something good is about to happen. Not only did my fortune tell me so I can feel it. It is like that Scott voice I hear in my head sometimes has a lot to say lately. I keep telling you I know he is here. I had a great conversation about that subject on Monday. It made me feel like soaring to hear someone else say that to me. Someone with a loss but a different situation to feel the say way about the life beyond our mortal bodies. Scott and God are here guiding me, supporting me and showing me the way. I know where I'm headed. I feel the push. I hear the voice telling me you got it, my heart! The magic is there you just have to reach. The wonderful life you want is waiting for you just reach.


I feel like that little mustard seed. I look up at this mountain that has been a black cloud of grief and I know I can conquer. Me, this tiny little insignificant package in the scheme of life, is like the little mustard seed. If you have ever had a mustard seed the flavor is powerful and packs a punch. I pack that punch to take each day and make it my own. Tonight sitting at the Chinese Buffet with Hannah I saw a man who could have been Scott's twin. In the past I would have sat and cried. Tonight I watched and smiled to myself. I know it wasn't him. I know I would love for it to be but I also know I can't have that wish. Trust me I still wish it but it doesn't happen. I can conquer that grief mountain but I can't change the events of the past with a wiggle of my nose.


I am making a choice today to attempt to erase the line I keep towing in the sand. To try to make my life more where I want to be. I am ready to leap and I can't do that where I am. I know I am happy in myself and the door is open just across that line. It is like it is being held open just for me. You know that feeling when a true gentleman holds the door and lets you go first. It makes me feel special. I feel like Scott is there making sure that door is open for me. I have the choice to cross the threshold to reach for that something wonderful in my life. I get to keep chipping away at that black cloud. I get to share my smile, love, and laughter to bring happiness beyond me. I  have my life and I understand where I am. I know where I want to be and that has to come from my efforts. I won't just sitting around watching life happen around me! I will keep living forward!

Excellence not Perfectionism

"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected." -Steve Jobs


So I have learned a huge lesson! I am glad I am willing to keep learning and not shut my mind down to changes and growth. If I did I would be no where. I also happen to know my Mother would kick my butt if I didn't keep trying to grow in my life. Now back to where I was...my mind does wander at times.


Oh yes, what I have learned. I'm not so much of a perfectionist but I believe in trying to achieve excellence. I'm not okay with letting go and just doing the bare minimum. I want to be good at what I do. Not because I have to be better then others. I've never thought I was better then others! I want to achieve excellence because when I do my attempts matter to those around me. There is change abound but I can't just sit on my laurels and not learn. It is my job to make a difference in my patient's lives. The sad thing is there are people who don't do their best, strive for excellence. 


I may never be Steve Jobs. I don't really want to be. I'm happy with trying my hardest. When days set me back I just have to keep trying. I may not be where I'm supposed to be though. I know I matter to someone though. I don't have to travel my road alone. I know I am not the only one who strives for excellence in life. I want to be surrounded by those people. I like reaching for the people who are positive influences in my life. I am amazed each day by the people who don't try who thrive on negativity but then there is that one person who makes it all better. To know that things are taken care of when you ask because it is the right thing to do for the patients. 


I will continue to push myself to achieve excellence. I can make it. I will continue to challenge myself to be the best at what I try. That doesn't mean I want to be perfect. I don't even know how to do that but I want to reach for stars. I want my life to matter when it is my time to join Scott in our castle. I know he will be there but I get to keep living and trying. I get to try to have a relationship again that matters with someone else. I keep working on myself first. I have to get over my own fears. I know what I want and where I want to be. I am in the right place to make a difference. It may only be in a kind word or a smile but I know I matter. I know trying to achieve excellence matters. I can't fix others but I can set an example to be where I am supposed to be and not doubt myself because of others negative opinions. 

New Life Math

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
       - Proverbs 29:11


Let me just say that I tried really hard not to lose it this afternoon but at moments I didn't succeed. I worked through it and could hear Scott in my head. At that point it was all I could do not to laugh. I knew what Scott would be thinking. At that moment I missed his ability to work really hard and make a difference in the world without demanding attention. I took the great points of my day and went there. I just know there are some people I have to just smile and move on. I got the answers I needed from the interaction and my anger was gone. I moved on.


I had a great day, a great conversation and my favorite food. I got a ton of things done and worked hard and fast. I sat with a friend today talking about life, Angels and the great beyond. It is closer then we think until you need them. I know things with all my heart and someday I may find the place where that happiness is most of the time again. I reach for the stars and maybe I will find the moon! 


I'm willing to try new things. I am happy with who I am. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes in my life but I know I do what I feel is the best in the moment. I pray for continued light and love. I know I am given strength and courage to make it through the rough spots. I miss my life but I am becoming more comfortable in my new one. I still want to reach out and do the unexpected but I'm afraid. I don't know if I'm ready for the chance to be broken again. I'm afraid to be more then I am in this moment in time. I have finally become comfortable knowing I am where I am supposed to be and not worry so much about the risks that I need to take to leap into the unknown. Let me keep taking the baby steps for now. Somehow they have begun to add up to a new life. 

Silent Progress

True progress quietly and persistently moves along without notice
      - St. Francis of Assisi 


Progress is ongoing. I have learned that through so much of the last 18 months. Today was a quiet hide in the house day.  We didn't do anything but rest. Hannah burned her candle out and sounds like a squeaky mouse so we rested. We took a breath to continue with the progress of living forward.


I don't know what to do sometimes but resting is a good place to be. I just keep thinking of Scott and how he would be making me get up and move and do. I know I have things to do, chores to complete but in the scope of life those things don't matter. I know Hannah and I have formed a stronger bond because we do these days together. Who doesn't love pajama day? Today I made a mess in the kitchen cooking breakfast/lunch. When I opened the cabinet for the toaster I looked down and there were the things Scott had bought on his last trip to Walmart for me. Maybe someday when the cookies are petrified I might be able to throw them away. It was progress though that I didn't start crying.


Hannah and I finally left the house a bit ago because we wanted ice cream. She drove. That is progress for me to let her drive. And progress for her because she conquered her fear of Sonic. We ended up at Sonic because DQ doesn't seem to think the 15 cars trying to go through the drive-thru deserve their business. Who closes at 9pm at night? Oh well for us it meant that Hannah has learned how to work Sonic. This may be good and bad. Together each of us is growing and living forward. Someday I hope to look up and find that I have made progress to many days without tears. He is my heart and my love but I still have to live. 

Succeeding or Surviving

"You owe it to yourself to find your own unorthodox way of succeeding, or sometimes, just surviving."
       - Michael Johnson


I am surviving because I am living this new life with my own skills and abilities. I reach for the people I need help from. I accept help from the most unexpected people and places. Sometimes I make it at a marathon pace, others I barely make it at all. I live forward one day at a time.


Yesterday was good and bad. There were moments when I thought I was losing my mind but my memory is too good for that. There was a moment where I realized I'm scared of someone and the biggest step was why! There were moments where I saw the greatest joy of my life feel panic and joy all in a fifteen minute span. I get to be the proud mama for great reasons. I know she has received the greatest foundation in life and grown up at a very young age. Hannah makes me so proud with her confidence, joy and determination to conquer to the best of her abilities. Her successes give me ongoing hope that she has a bright shining world of Angels guiding her way. Her failures are learning experiences for her to achieve greatness with a kind heart and great spirit. 


I had my own success last night. I did all of the events to see Hannah shine, alone. Mike didn't tag along, although invited and my parents were on a trip. I made the rounds of all the homecoming events with my own Angels. I didn't feel lost or alone last night sitting/standing in a crowd of people. I felt alive. It would have been nice to share but I have my own memories for Hannah. I played mammarazzi and captured the moments for Hannah to share with her children. For her to know I love her when I can't be there anymore. I fight my body to keep going for her. 


I would have loved to have had a hand to hold or a smile to share the joyful moments but I don't have that all the time. I have to rely only on myself and my own skills to make it through the rough moments. I found times to share my moments with friends that were around but to have that person around is better. I will make it because I have the strength and will to survive. I will treasure all my new memories and bundle them with the old. My life matters to most importantly Hannah. My Angel was with me too.


I know this because when I got in the car to head home alone, the movement for the theme to Sleeping Beauty began to play. "I know you. I walked with you once upon a dream." Scott is always giving me my soundtrack to life. He will never be far as he shares in the moments of our daughters lives! I wish I could be there for Laynie as much as for Hannah! I love them both. I am where I am supposed to be. Hannah is my reason to keep living and loving. Without her my life would be empty. God knew what he was doing when he gave her to me to raise. I am very proud to see her grow and feel her love. I am finding my way to living forward in my own moments. I will make it because I find the love and support in the best places!

Longstanding Kindnesses

Kindness is tenderness. Kindness is love, but perhaps greater than love...Kindness is good will. Kindness says, "I want you to be happy.
       - Randolph Ray


Have you ever had a day where you try really hard to not make your bad mood rub off on others? Rhonda tells me she can see me trying. My smile doesn't reach my eyes and I may be fuming inside but I hold it all together until I can get away from a situation. I try I just keep trying because that isn't who I am. I would be that Miss America contestant that wants world peace. I want everyone to play nice and help each other. It has been a few days where I want to strangle someone. I'm not like that but sometimes I just can't take much more. Then something happens and I get a day brightening moment.


I have a good friend that brightened my day today. I can't even describe our friendship because I don't get it either. It is just easier to go with it and it works for both of us.  I called for work and he asked how I was doing. I know it doesn't matter what I say we can talk outside of work. My answer to how's my day was, 'trying not to let my bad mood rub off on others." He told me "I can take it." I end up laughing and giggling like a teenager. Too bad the pool doesn't come with a cabana boy. I love those moments and I felt better. My bad mood was gone. I love my friends! I hope I have the same effect.  Why do I know the importance of a the connections with a friend like that? Shared jokes, laughter and smiles makes kindness matter. Take the time to give a moment. We need each other and sometimes we don't see until it is too late.


Kindness can come in so many forms. A smile, a hug, a shared laugh. Those little moments make each day better for someone. I try to share the kindnesses given to me. Tonight I was at the Homecoming Pep Rally and I was surrounded by more love and kindness of new friends, old friends and Mike. It is fun to share the moments of our children's lives. I'm so thankful that Mike and I can share the kindness and love for Hannah. I watched the kids with a great joy in my heart. They are the future and what I do for Hannah matters. The moments of the years with Scott always remind me each day that I am still here for a reason. I have a purpose and the interactions I have with others mean we are all supposed to be connected. I know without a doubt souls are connected and it is up to  each of us to take advantage of the relationships we are given. To learn to love and share without fear. To make someone else's day with kindness. 


My day was touched with kindness by so many others. I want to thank each of you for the kindness you have shown to me today. I hope I was able to take your kindness and pass it on to make someone else's day. Thank you for all that you have done for me today. The kind words, the hugs, the laughter and friendship from you all make a difference in how I get through each day. I am where I am supposed to be and you are in my life for a reason. I hope that time is long and lasting! I know my prayers are answered each day through the kindness and love of my friends!