Succeeding or Surviving

"You owe it to yourself to find your own unorthodox way of succeeding, or sometimes, just surviving."
       - Michael Johnson


I am surviving because I am living this new life with my own skills and abilities. I reach for the people I need help from. I accept help from the most unexpected people and places. Sometimes I make it at a marathon pace, others I barely make it at all. I live forward one day at a time.


Yesterday was good and bad. There were moments when I thought I was losing my mind but my memory is too good for that. There was a moment where I realized I'm scared of someone and the biggest step was why! There were moments where I saw the greatest joy of my life feel panic and joy all in a fifteen minute span. I get to be the proud mama for great reasons. I know she has received the greatest foundation in life and grown up at a very young age. Hannah makes me so proud with her confidence, joy and determination to conquer to the best of her abilities. Her successes give me ongoing hope that she has a bright shining world of Angels guiding her way. Her failures are learning experiences for her to achieve greatness with a kind heart and great spirit. 


I had my own success last night. I did all of the events to see Hannah shine, alone. Mike didn't tag along, although invited and my parents were on a trip. I made the rounds of all the homecoming events with my own Angels. I didn't feel lost or alone last night sitting/standing in a crowd of people. I felt alive. It would have been nice to share but I have my own memories for Hannah. I played mammarazzi and captured the moments for Hannah to share with her children. For her to know I love her when I can't be there anymore. I fight my body to keep going for her. 


I would have loved to have had a hand to hold or a smile to share the joyful moments but I don't have that all the time. I have to rely only on myself and my own skills to make it through the rough moments. I found times to share my moments with friends that were around but to have that person around is better. I will make it because I have the strength and will to survive. I will treasure all my new memories and bundle them with the old. My life matters to most importantly Hannah. My Angel was with me too.


I know this because when I got in the car to head home alone, the movement for the theme to Sleeping Beauty began to play. "I know you. I walked with you once upon a dream." Scott is always giving me my soundtrack to life. He will never be far as he shares in the moments of our daughters lives! I wish I could be there for Laynie as much as for Hannah! I love them both. I am where I am supposed to be. Hannah is my reason to keep living and loving. Without her my life would be empty. God knew what he was doing when he gave her to me to raise. I am very proud to see her grow and feel her love. I am finding my way to living forward in my own moments. I will make it because I find the love and support in the best places!