Strong Will not Strong Won't

"The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't."  ~Henry Ward Beecher


I'm sitting here on a Friday night once again alone except for my cat lady impersonation flipping channels or possibly watching the DVR of Big Brother. I'm just in a restless mood again. I want to be doing something but I really don't want to do laundry, vacuum, pull weeds. Well you know the routine. I don't know what I should be doing but I know what I want to be doing. Once again maybe I will get my wish because I can persevere!


As I was flipping channels I come across a movie I was meant to see part of, Catch and Release. Jennifer Garner (the second woman on Scott's top five) plays a woman whose fiance has died. Sound familiar?  She has to go to storage to locate a picture of her fiance for a memorial project. They show this room full of stuff as she sits on a couch in storage looking at photos. She looks up and unzips a garment bag that contains her wedding dress. The next shot is her sitting on the couch in her dress. I have a dress that I have never worn. I know those feelings but she also knows she has moved on. 


A bit later she is talking to him and telling him all the things she could have said in the memorial but she talked about how he made her a better person and how she missed him. She didn't tell them that he had made her a better person, enough to miss him but strong enough to fall for some one else. It is amazing how little messages come in strange places. Sitting alone in a quiet empty house with a smile on my face because of a movie that six months ago I would never have been able to watch. As a matter of fact it was on my Netflix but disappeared. I wasn't supposed to watch. But I see there will be hope for me to keep going strong. My life will always be complicated but I just have to stop being so afraid of reaching for the brass ring. 


I know that smile is there just for me. I know that smile that makes my heart melt. I will find where I belong even with my crazy life that isn't so full of boring. I'm trying so hard to be full of perseverance. I know I can be obstinate but here I am trying full of strength. I miss him but I see the possibilities of my life not the disappointments. Today is a stepping stone for the tomorrow where I figure out how to step forward into my dreams. I know he would be very upset if I wasn't true to myself and my heart. He would be very upset if I froze myself in time. I'm not willing to stay in storage with a couch, photos and a wedding dress. I am strong enough to fall in love again.