BBQ and Christmas

Crazy day is all I can say. My days certainly aren't boring but isn't that what I have asked for, to stay busy and focused on someone other them myself. I don't know sometimes how I reach the end of the day but here I am. Another day crossed of the list. I try not to track time but I wish I had a clue what I was counting down. I'm such a goal oriented person and I don't think I have one of those anymore. I used to love planning and and scheduling with our trips. I tried to do that the other day. Mary Poppins will be in San Antonio but I couldn't get much response other then it didn't work with her schedule. I miss having someone who humors me and tries new things. I hate just sitting around by myself. If you can't tell today is an alone evening. I miss Thursday night date night. I didn't even bother to eat a real dinner tonight - cinnamon toast crunch worked just fine.

I had another smile day but when I got home I sat down and was flipping through a catalog I got in the mail. Speaking of which, why does the mail multiply when I'm gone to work? The catalog had a bunch of Christmas ideas in it and I kept thinking Scott would love this and that. I used to love Christmas but it seems like an even bigger chore this year then it did last year. I have Hannah but Mike and I both get to spend the day with her all of us together. My parents are going to my brothers and here I will be lost in the crowd again. I think the thought of Christmas this year is even worse then last year. How can that be? I used to start on Christmas preparations now, crafting and planning but I don't even look at the ideas in the craft store. I think I may even leave it all put up this year. Maybe something will happen and my mind will change but all it did today was make me cry.

I don't know I guess I don't get to plan and look forward to the things that used to make me so happy. I think I'm getting better and then something snaps for a mini set back. The mail seems to be the catalyst today. How many times can Archaeology Today send a renewal notice to Scott? I guess technically he is now part of Archaeology, at least his body is. I don't know why things hit me so hard. In the beginning it was everything so I was always prepared. Now it is such random things that I'm never sure what is going to trigger the tears. I have a friend that bet me his son's HS would win the football game the other night against Hannah's HS. We were supposed to win but well you know how it goes with those things. We lost so I lost the bet. My forfeit was taking him to BBQ for lunch. We are going next week. I hate BBQ so this is a true loss for me. Scott used to have to bribe me to get me to go! Great way to get a kiss! Rhonda and I decided on the place for the three of us to go. It just so happens this is one of Scott's favorites and a place we used to go to all the time.

I will go and I will conquer my personal demons but the smell of BBQ always brings him to me. I'm going to be prepared and I know I have to do this. It helps me to grow as myself in my new life to live forward into these challenges. I don't like it but I do it and I come out a stronger person. I think I need to sleep for days again but the time is all planned for the teenage queen that lives in my house. I cherish these times and I know she keeps me going and alive. I will get my wish one day but for now I face each challenge to the best of my abilities with grace, charm and a smile. Tonight I don't really want tomorrow but I have to because Hannah is my priority and the person I love more then Scott!