Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
- James 1:24
Each day brings you closer to the joy that is life. Each test I have been given makes me stronger but it is hard to tackle. There are some moments when I don't understand why I even try but I keep going. There are moments when I give it my all and it doesn't seem like it is enough. There are moments that feel like the finish line keeps getting further away or that pasta just keeps growing in the bowl. Some days it is like being slapped in the face for being who I am. I don't expect more from others then I'm willing to give myself.
I am ready to push away from the table and walk away. To find a new place to be but God's plans don't match my own at the moment. I can't do for everyone else when I can barely take care of myself. Today was a rollercoaster and somehow it only became better when I had dinner with Hannah. There is nothing that solves a crisis like a talk with a smart teen and Mexican food. I will make it and it is time to try to sleep. It is time to face tomorrow with a smile and conviction to make it to my goals!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Water of Love
We are made for loving. If we don’t love, we will be like plants without water.
- Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Prize winner
How is it possible to do anything else but love. Even in all the grief and anguish, the swearing that I will never be loved again or be able to love that way again I find myself loving life again. I'm still struggling with the pain of losing my love. I still have moments where I don't know where to go but I'm trying. I keep hearing him telling me to keep going, that I'm going in the right direction. It has to be the right direction doesn't it? I still have several decisions I have to make but I feel like I'm back on hold again. I can't make the decisions because I don't have answers to my pain. How can I make it forward into a new life when the possibilities of what might be happening are endless. I'm back to baby steps in living. I do the important things but how do I make a decision about life changing things?
I don't just want to sit here and have life happen. I keep taking the steps but I when I try to take big ones I get the yield sign. I am just sitting at the gate waiting for the clearance from the control tower to take off. I guess my plans for life aren't where I was supposed to be but I do know Scott was supposed to be in my life. He was supposed to teach me about love and loss. I'm supposed to learn how to heal and step forward. I think the overachiever in my system wants to step up and find life again. I don't need to learn how to love. I've had excellent training in that department. I see love in so many places in life. The kitten that is laying on my left arm kneading and purring, my daughter that is growing up faster then I know, my mom who is willing to spend time driving around the Texas countryside with me, loving all my friends even when they do crazy things like running marathons or even my memories of my past. I know the only thing in life that matters in the end of it all will be love.
I hope I make a difference in the life of someone else. Enough of a difference that I inspire someone else to love and be loved. You just can't take money with you. You can't take the successes of the job with you. Will that paycheck cry when you are sick, cheer when you succeed or hold you when you cry. I miss that part of my life very much. To know I'm being held up through all these tough decisions about crap that I shouldn't have to think about. I've dealt with enough mortality. I'm not ready to think I may have to make decisions about my own. I've had enough of that. Why don't I get a break to just be loved and held! What have I done to deserve to be in this world of lessons that I understand but I don't know who else I can help these days.
- Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Prize winner
How is it possible to do anything else but love. Even in all the grief and anguish, the swearing that I will never be loved again or be able to love that way again I find myself loving life again. I'm still struggling with the pain of losing my love. I still have moments where I don't know where to go but I'm trying. I keep hearing him telling me to keep going, that I'm going in the right direction. It has to be the right direction doesn't it? I still have several decisions I have to make but I feel like I'm back on hold again. I can't make the decisions because I don't have answers to my pain. How can I make it forward into a new life when the possibilities of what might be happening are endless. I'm back to baby steps in living. I do the important things but how do I make a decision about life changing things?
I don't just want to sit here and have life happen. I keep taking the steps but I when I try to take big ones I get the yield sign. I am just sitting at the gate waiting for the clearance from the control tower to take off. I guess my plans for life aren't where I was supposed to be but I do know Scott was supposed to be in my life. He was supposed to teach me about love and loss. I'm supposed to learn how to heal and step forward. I think the overachiever in my system wants to step up and find life again. I don't need to learn how to love. I've had excellent training in that department. I see love in so many places in life. The kitten that is laying on my left arm kneading and purring, my daughter that is growing up faster then I know, my mom who is willing to spend time driving around the Texas countryside with me, loving all my friends even when they do crazy things like running marathons or even my memories of my past. I know the only thing in life that matters in the end of it all will be love.
I hope I make a difference in the life of someone else. Enough of a difference that I inspire someone else to love and be loved. You just can't take money with you. You can't take the successes of the job with you. Will that paycheck cry when you are sick, cheer when you succeed or hold you when you cry. I miss that part of my life very much. To know I'm being held up through all these tough decisions about crap that I shouldn't have to think about. I've dealt with enough mortality. I'm not ready to think I may have to make decisions about my own. I've had enough of that. Why don't I get a break to just be loved and held! What have I done to deserve to be in this world of lessons that I understand but I don't know who else I can help these days.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Ask Me!
Life sucks and then you die! Sometimes it sucks more then others but the dying part well it just happens when it happens. I don't know when or where but I know it will happen someday. It has been a busy crazy strange rough week. I don't understand why I am where I am but here I am. Living in each moment.
Do you know how hard it is to live scared all the time? To be afraid to do things or try new things! I do! I'm afraid to put one foot in front of the other but I do it! I feel like a Nike commercial. This week has been very tearful for me. I'm afraid of this pain and all that I have to got through again to TRY to find out why I'm in pain again. It was great when I was numb. Can I just spend the rest of my life numb? I try but I seem to have recovered feeling. Not just the pain in my tummy but I have feelings in my heart again.
When I was in WDW I walk down memory lane with Scott. Mike gets upset with me because we have memories there too with Hannah. I think it is because I know I can keep making new memories with them but those are all the memories I get with Scott. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my memories of Scott. It is as if I have to make them stick really hard. I'm still trying not to talk about him all the time, to keep living forward but it just doesn't seem to be so easy. I want to remember as much as I can but I'm willing to make new ones too. I want more in my life.
I reach so far into each day. Somedays I come up empty and somedays are full! I like the days are full of fun and adventure. Today is one of those days. I stay busy and try to make each day worth still being here. I want more. I dream for more. I don't know if my dreams match where I'm supposed to be though. How do you deal with the reality of life when all I want is only a dream now. I'm usually really good at being where I want to be but now it just doesn't seem so easy to jump, leap, throw caution to the wind and kiss my dreams hello.
I don't know when to give up and when to keep punching away. Things just feel so overwhelming when a bowl of some shelf stable meal makes me cry. I know why because I'm missing the person that holds me up and takes my fears away. People care and people love me but that unconditional love and compassion is missing from my day. When I can pick up the phone to just hear a voice on the other end to aleve my fears of the strangeness that is my life is what I enjoy. I know it is there but it is that next step on a rung of fears. Why is life so full of moments of fears that are silly and irrational? I can make it through all the tests. I can deal with the answers. If it is the worst or the best, I need the answers. I just keep trying, even when I want to give up on my dream. I need help though. I need to hear the voice on the other end asking me "What else?" I may not be able to say what I really want to say. I need to leap but I don't know how so I stay in each moment of where I am. Maybe someday....
Do you know how hard it is to live scared all the time? To be afraid to do things or try new things! I do! I'm afraid to put one foot in front of the other but I do it! I feel like a Nike commercial. This week has been very tearful for me. I'm afraid of this pain and all that I have to got through again to TRY to find out why I'm in pain again. It was great when I was numb. Can I just spend the rest of my life numb? I try but I seem to have recovered feeling. Not just the pain in my tummy but I have feelings in my heart again.
When I was in WDW I walk down memory lane with Scott. Mike gets upset with me because we have memories there too with Hannah. I think it is because I know I can keep making new memories with them but those are all the memories I get with Scott. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my memories of Scott. It is as if I have to make them stick really hard. I'm still trying not to talk about him all the time, to keep living forward but it just doesn't seem to be so easy. I want to remember as much as I can but I'm willing to make new ones too. I want more in my life.
I reach so far into each day. Somedays I come up empty and somedays are full! I like the days are full of fun and adventure. Today is one of those days. I stay busy and try to make each day worth still being here. I want more. I dream for more. I don't know if my dreams match where I'm supposed to be though. How do you deal with the reality of life when all I want is only a dream now. I'm usually really good at being where I want to be but now it just doesn't seem so easy to jump, leap, throw caution to the wind and kiss my dreams hello.
I don't know when to give up and when to keep punching away. Things just feel so overwhelming when a bowl of some shelf stable meal makes me cry. I know why because I'm missing the person that holds me up and takes my fears away. People care and people love me but that unconditional love and compassion is missing from my day. When I can pick up the phone to just hear a voice on the other end to aleve my fears of the strangeness that is my life is what I enjoy. I know it is there but it is that next step on a rung of fears. Why is life so full of moments of fears that are silly and irrational? I can make it through all the tests. I can deal with the answers. If it is the worst or the best, I need the answers. I just keep trying, even when I want to give up on my dream. I need help though. I need to hear the voice on the other end asking me "What else?" I may not be able to say what I really want to say. I need to leap but I don't know how so I stay in each moment of where I am. Maybe someday....
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Disney Strength
Last year I was still in a fog. My smile was placed on my face with a great deal of effort and tears below the surface. We have been friends for so long that the support is amazing and wonderful. Today was a different day for me. I have come so far. I have a smile that is genuine and my enthusiasm for my life is back without trying. I don't have to work at happiness. A trip down Main Street today was filled with love and laughter. I miss Scott very much. I can feel him with me every step of the way but it is support and love I feel walking around here.
I have lots of fun times and memories with Hannah, Mike and all my friends. This is a happy place for me over the last 17 years. You see Mike keeps teasing me because this week is the week we spent here at WDW for our honeymoon. There are so many places and times I don't forget but I'm not just hanging out describing every memory of my life. Nope I'm too busy making new memories. Yes I still cried my way through the Haunted Mansion. I can't explain it but I just don't have the words that it just sends me into tears. I also sat in the restaurant in Whispering Canyon looking straight out into the lobby of Wilderness Lodge with lots of time to think. I went internal and lost my place of where I was in the group. Another moment of "alone in the crowd" but it is okay.
Several times today it has been said, "You are where you are supposed to be!" Yes I know. I think my mind fills with Scott because we weren't done yet. I feel like he is here telling me he is still holding me close and not letting go. He promised and I know I will always be taken care of into my future. I'm here with new memories but I'm also afraid that I will never be able to come here without all of these overwhelming feelings hitting me. I know my life is forever altered but the fact that in this day alone I have been in the two of the three hotels Scott and I stayed together with a smile on my face means I am finding my strength in Disney. This is and will always be my happy place. I have been blessed in so many ways and I know I will continue to be. How can I not be surrounded by so many friends and people who love me warts and all!
I have lots of fun times and memories with Hannah, Mike and all my friends. This is a happy place for me over the last 17 years. You see Mike keeps teasing me because this week is the week we spent here at WDW for our honeymoon. There are so many places and times I don't forget but I'm not just hanging out describing every memory of my life. Nope I'm too busy making new memories. Yes I still cried my way through the Haunted Mansion. I can't explain it but I just don't have the words that it just sends me into tears. I also sat in the restaurant in Whispering Canyon looking straight out into the lobby of Wilderness Lodge with lots of time to think. I went internal and lost my place of where I was in the group. Another moment of "alone in the crowd" but it is okay.
Several times today it has been said, "You are where you are supposed to be!" Yes I know. I think my mind fills with Scott because we weren't done yet. I feel like he is here telling me he is still holding me close and not letting go. He promised and I know I will always be taken care of into my future. I'm here with new memories but I'm also afraid that I will never be able to come here without all of these overwhelming feelings hitting me. I know my life is forever altered but the fact that in this day alone I have been in the two of the three hotels Scott and I stayed together with a smile on my face means I am finding my strength in Disney. This is and will always be my happy place. I have been blessed in so many ways and I know I will continue to be. How can I not be surrounded by so many friends and people who love me warts and all!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sunshine
"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." - Juno
I think that about says it all! At some point you just have to take a leap of faith that you have found that person. I have decided it is a lot like the point when couples plan to have a baby. They try to make sure all the things are right, money, house, age and suddenly the time is gone because time has this way to keep moving forward and leaves you behind. Then those of us that had a baby at a point when you didn't expect but that baby was just what you needed even when you didn't know it.
I have things I see, places I want to be but I am afraid of myself. I don't have all of the answers in my life but I am proud of where I have come from to be where I am. I wish I could leap in so many things. It's not just about love but living my life. I am though. I think about how far I have come. Sometimes I want to say things but I'm afraid to admit where I really am. I want to keep reaching but something is holding me back. I want to take that leap to make changes but I'm afraid. I've been afraid of so many things before but I'm trying to get to the right place for me to be less afraid. My arms are wide open.
I'm waiting for now because I still see the rocks down below. I want to achieve so much and be so much. I have to dream that I am making it to the right place for me. I believe I'm surrounded each day by light and love. I know that I have the strength to make it further each day. I'm not alone, I will never be alone but I'm ready to leap into those arms. It's okay! I love you! I know that power is still there. I feel as if Scott has made decisions for me and takes the lead when I am blind and fearful. I am being guided when I ask. Now it is up to me to follow where the signs are leading. I'm scared to take that leap, to make that change but I see the infinite possibilities before me. Believe in the magic and power of love from God and Scott. Sunshine and smiles are there if you open your heart.
I think that about says it all! At some point you just have to take a leap of faith that you have found that person. I have decided it is a lot like the point when couples plan to have a baby. They try to make sure all the things are right, money, house, age and suddenly the time is gone because time has this way to keep moving forward and leaves you behind. Then those of us that had a baby at a point when you didn't expect but that baby was just what you needed even when you didn't know it.
I have things I see, places I want to be but I am afraid of myself. I don't have all of the answers in my life but I am proud of where I have come from to be where I am. I wish I could leap in so many things. It's not just about love but living my life. I am though. I think about how far I have come. Sometimes I want to say things but I'm afraid to admit where I really am. I want to keep reaching but something is holding me back. I want to take that leap to make changes but I'm afraid. I've been afraid of so many things before but I'm trying to get to the right place for me to be less afraid. My arms are wide open.
I'm waiting for now because I still see the rocks down below. I want to achieve so much and be so much. I have to dream that I am making it to the right place for me. I believe I'm surrounded each day by light and love. I know that I have the strength to make it further each day. I'm not alone, I will never be alone but I'm ready to leap into those arms. It's okay! I love you! I know that power is still there. I feel as if Scott has made decisions for me and takes the lead when I am blind and fearful. I am being guided when I ask. Now it is up to me to follow where the signs are leading. I'm scared to take that leap, to make that change but I see the infinite possibilities before me. Believe in the magic and power of love from God and Scott. Sunshine and smiles are there if you open your heart.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Kristen Math
Time and space are fragments of the infinite for the use of finite creatures.
Henri Frederic Amiel
Yes this is why I believe the people from our lives that have worn out their bodies are still with us in their own time. We have this thing with time. We must control it and make it ours yet there really isn't a way to do that. Time is something we measure our lives by but is it really necessary. If we are doing the right thing and being the best person we can be then doesn't that make time irrelevant? I have been measuring my life before Scott, with Scott and after Scott. It doesn't really matter other then I miss him like crazy everyday. It doesn't really matter because I'm trying to make my life important in every moment of "time" I have.
I measure the moments in my life differently now. I know I have things I have to do for deadlines of different things. I still make my priorities but if I can have a moment to stop what I'm doing and enjoy the moment then I will. I try to do the right thing. I have so many fewer rules for my life. I know that I have to make each moment count. I want that review of my life when it is my time to show that I made a difference. I was the best Mom, daughter, friend and love I could be with the tools I have been given.
My time when I'm looking forward to something works just like this. The day we are in doesn't count and the day the event begins doesn't count. That means I have more days of smiles in the end. So if I'm leaving on a trip next Wednesday today doesn't count! So I only have to face Monday and Tuesday! That means two days before the magic. I've already begun today, it has been achieved and the day I leave means it is here so it really doesn't count. Hannah and Scott call this Kristen math! They went right along with it and when I explain it to most people they seem to think it makes sense to them too!
Now Kristen math doesn't always make sense but when it comes to squeezing the most joy out of a moment I can make the math work. I like trying to ignore the fact that we place limits on ourselves when it comes to time. I keep thinking about when H graduates and how I can do this or that but I know if the opportunity arose and it fit into what my goals were then I would do it. I will take each moment I am handed. I follow rules but sometimes there are moments that need Kristen Math applied to get to where you are trying to go. I'm trying to make a change. I want to make a difference. I will be exactly where I should be in this moment in time!
Henri Frederic Amiel
Yes this is why I believe the people from our lives that have worn out their bodies are still with us in their own time. We have this thing with time. We must control it and make it ours yet there really isn't a way to do that. Time is something we measure our lives by but is it really necessary. If we are doing the right thing and being the best person we can be then doesn't that make time irrelevant? I have been measuring my life before Scott, with Scott and after Scott. It doesn't really matter other then I miss him like crazy everyday. It doesn't really matter because I'm trying to make my life important in every moment of "time" I have.
I measure the moments in my life differently now. I know I have things I have to do for deadlines of different things. I still make my priorities but if I can have a moment to stop what I'm doing and enjoy the moment then I will. I try to do the right thing. I have so many fewer rules for my life. I know that I have to make each moment count. I want that review of my life when it is my time to show that I made a difference. I was the best Mom, daughter, friend and love I could be with the tools I have been given.
My time when I'm looking forward to something works just like this. The day we are in doesn't count and the day the event begins doesn't count. That means I have more days of smiles in the end. So if I'm leaving on a trip next Wednesday today doesn't count! So I only have to face Monday and Tuesday! That means two days before the magic. I've already begun today, it has been achieved and the day I leave means it is here so it really doesn't count. Hannah and Scott call this Kristen math! They went right along with it and when I explain it to most people they seem to think it makes sense to them too!
Now Kristen math doesn't always make sense but when it comes to squeezing the most joy out of a moment I can make the math work. I like trying to ignore the fact that we place limits on ourselves when it comes to time. I keep thinking about when H graduates and how I can do this or that but I know if the opportunity arose and it fit into what my goals were then I would do it. I will take each moment I am handed. I follow rules but sometimes there are moments that need Kristen Math applied to get to where you are trying to go. I'm trying to make a change. I want to make a difference. I will be exactly where I should be in this moment in time!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Honoring Love
I have learned not to worry about love;
But to honor its coming with all my heart.
Alice Walker
Today has so many meanings. It is a day of so much happiness at so many places in my life. The tears are flowing freely as I sit here trying to make the words pour from my fingers as normal but I'm not sure how to keep my normal going tonight. Today is still an anniversary of many things. The anniversary of walking down the aisle in the big dream wedding and saying I do to the wonderful man whom I share a daughter. Being divorced doesn't change that date we thought we would ride that tandem bicycle further then we did. I am happy that we can keep going as parents for Hannah. So with that Happy Anniversary Michael. Our time together made me who I am now and with that I will always love you.
Two years ago today Scott and I became "official." We didn't get to have our Fairytale Castle wedding on the date we had picked to be ours. Instead we have today, by accident. Today is the day he legally declared me as his wife. The day he declared our forever. We didn't get to spill it to the world but it doesn't matter because we know. I know the power of love with Scott that has also made me who I am today. I miss him everyday. Some how it just becomes easier to focus on who I have become and where I am going then what I have lost.
Last night felt like Scott was around. I was doing something he would have begged to do. I would have teased and tortured but would have gone too. I took a bus with a group of people I barely know plus my dear friend, Angela to a football game four hours away. I went to a BBQ place he wanted to make sure I tried just to get me to eat new things on the off chance I might like something. We watched "Blindside" and "Remember the Titans" on the bus. He had just purchased "Blindside" the day before he died. My copy is still in the original packaging. I've seen the movie just not his copy. I felt like I had a mystical date last night to celebrate his life and I'm the only one who understood.
I know there is more to my life. The power I have to feel Scott around has also given me a feeling of more to come. The magic of my life continues to grow. I'm not afraid of the chance of love. I just don't like surprises so very much. In this I don't have an option. I can trust my intuition and let love happen when the time is right. I can only be patient and know what I feel in my heart. I feel the power of love on this day that is not only about the love that has shaped me but the love into which I will travel. October 15 seems to be a day of destiny for me. I'm not sure why but here I am. With a toast to my two loves of my past and to the possibility of my love in the future. Today also proves I can't control when life events occur. I will be where I am supposed to be when the time is right.
But to honor its coming with all my heart.
Alice Walker
Today has so many meanings. It is a day of so much happiness at so many places in my life. The tears are flowing freely as I sit here trying to make the words pour from my fingers as normal but I'm not sure how to keep my normal going tonight. Today is still an anniversary of many things. The anniversary of walking down the aisle in the big dream wedding and saying I do to the wonderful man whom I share a daughter. Being divorced doesn't change that date we thought we would ride that tandem bicycle further then we did. I am happy that we can keep going as parents for Hannah. So with that Happy Anniversary Michael. Our time together made me who I am now and with that I will always love you.
Two years ago today Scott and I became "official." We didn't get to have our Fairytale Castle wedding on the date we had picked to be ours. Instead we have today, by accident. Today is the day he legally declared me as his wife. The day he declared our forever. We didn't get to spill it to the world but it doesn't matter because we know. I know the power of love with Scott that has also made me who I am today. I miss him everyday. Some how it just becomes easier to focus on who I have become and where I am going then what I have lost.
Last night felt like Scott was around. I was doing something he would have begged to do. I would have teased and tortured but would have gone too. I took a bus with a group of people I barely know plus my dear friend, Angela to a football game four hours away. I went to a BBQ place he wanted to make sure I tried just to get me to eat new things on the off chance I might like something. We watched "Blindside" and "Remember the Titans" on the bus. He had just purchased "Blindside" the day before he died. My copy is still in the original packaging. I've seen the movie just not his copy. I felt like I had a mystical date last night to celebrate his life and I'm the only one who understood.
I know there is more to my life. The power I have to feel Scott around has also given me a feeling of more to come. The magic of my life continues to grow. I'm not afraid of the chance of love. I just don't like surprises so very much. In this I don't have an option. I can trust my intuition and let love happen when the time is right. I can only be patient and know what I feel in my heart. I feel the power of love on this day that is not only about the love that has shaped me but the love into which I will travel. October 15 seems to be a day of destiny for me. I'm not sure why but here I am. With a toast to my two loves of my past and to the possibility of my love in the future. Today also proves I can't control when life events occur. I will be where I am supposed to be when the time is right.
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