Water of Love

We are made for loving. If we don’t love, we will be like plants without water.
       - Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Prize winner




How is it possible to do anything else but love. Even in all the grief and anguish, the swearing that I will never be loved again or be able to love that way again I find myself loving life again. I'm still struggling with the pain of losing my love. I still have moments where I don't know where to go but I'm trying. I keep hearing him telling me to keep going, that I'm going in the right direction. It has to be the right direction doesn't it? I still have several decisions I have to make but I feel like I'm back on hold again. I can't make the decisions because I don't have answers to my pain. How can I make it forward into a new life when the possibilities of what might be happening are endless. I'm back to baby steps in living. I do the important things but how do I make a decision about life changing things?


I don't just want to sit here and have life happen. I keep taking the steps but I when I try to take big ones I get the yield sign. I am just sitting at the gate waiting for the clearance from the control tower to take off. I guess my plans for life aren't where I was supposed to be but I do know Scott was supposed to be in my life. He was supposed to teach me about love and loss. I'm supposed to learn how to heal and step forward. I think the overachiever in my system wants to step up and find life again. I don't need to learn how to love. I've had excellent training in that department. I see love in so many places in life. The kitten that is laying on my left arm kneading and purring, my daughter that is growing up faster then I know, my mom who is willing to spend time driving around the Texas countryside with me, loving all my friends even when they do crazy things like running marathons or even my memories of my past. I know the only thing in life that matters in the end of it all will be love. 


I hope I make a difference in the life of someone else. Enough of a difference that I inspire someone else to love and be loved. You just can't take money with you. You can't take the successes of the job with you. Will that paycheck cry when you are sick, cheer when you succeed or hold you when you cry. I miss that part of my life very much. To know I'm being held up through all these tough decisions about crap that I shouldn't have to think about. I've dealt with enough mortality. I'm not ready to think I may have to make decisions about my own. I've had enough of that. Why don't I get a break to just be loved and held! What have I done to deserve to be in this world of lessons that I understand but I don't know who else I can help these days.