Out Here On My Own

Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in.
Make believin' is hard alone,
Out here on my own

We're always provin' who we are
Always reachin' for the risin' star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own

When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears
I've never shown
Out here on my own

When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in
I may not win
But I can't be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own 


Lyrics to "Out Here On My Own" sung by Irene Cara in Fame


Today it has been a rough day but I tried. I made it to the end of the day on my own with a lot of help from my friends. This morning I woke up to the image on FB from a dear friend like a message from beyond. I was teary and tired all day. Eighteen months and I'm hanging on because of moments like these. I like the moments where a phone call makes me smile and laugh. When the conversation makes my loss seem smaller and just part of my being. Isn't that where I am supposed to be headed?


I did my life today. It wasn't easy. I didn't hide and I let myself be stuck with a really long needle. Great way to cry when you've been trying not to all day. I can't explain why something I'm prepared for doesn't seem like it should be so hard but it is. I did it though! I worked today. Maybe I shouldn't have but my other choice was to medicate for the panic and sleep all day. I can't do that for the rest of my life. I have to survive. I have to live. I have to take a chance on life. Each moment of each day matters. I know I'm not the only one who has hurdles. If we don't support each other then what does that do for us.


After the giant needle the med even though just a vitamin makes me hurt for the first 24 hours. That kind of pain is so much easier to fight through and ignore. The pain in my heart just keeps coming back as I keep pushing it back. I know Scott is proud of me. Combating the personal demons that make us all human is part of our individual journeys to other side.  


As I was laying here on the couch enjoying time with my beautiful daughter with our weekly Gleek time, the song "Out Here On My Own" came on. This is a song from my life. I know all the words. I'm a product of the 80's, I'd better. As it plays I'm singing along when I actually hear the words for today. We each have people who support us but there are moments when we are the only one who can help ourselves. Today I'm the only one who can find the spots that make me believe I matter. To find the conversations that give me hope, the moments of that make me know I matter and I am loved. I prefer to not have some months but I know I have to face March, June, October and December and possibly somewhere it will get easier as I continue to grow old and feeble. As my time to cross that bridge of light and loves comes nearer. It doesn't appear to be today because apparently, "I'M RIGHT WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE!"


There will never truly be a day that I'm out here on my own! How can I be when I am loved by so many and know the greatest love possible. I want to share that type of love again because Scott gave me the gift to share. He taught me that love is best when given freely. Eighteen months and counting!