Ask Me!

Life sucks and then you die! Sometimes it sucks more then others but the dying part well it just happens when it happens. I don't know when or where but I know it will happen someday. It has been a busy crazy strange rough week. I don't understand why I am where I am but here I am. Living in each moment.

Do you know how hard it is to live scared all the time? To be afraid to do things or try new things! I do! I'm afraid to put one foot in front of the other but I do it! I feel like a Nike commercial. This week has been very tearful for me. I'm afraid of this pain and all that I have to got through again to TRY to find out why I'm in pain again. It was great when I was numb. Can I just spend the rest of my life numb? I try but I seem to have recovered feeling. Not just the pain in my tummy but I have feelings in my heart again.

When I was in WDW I walk down memory lane with Scott. Mike gets upset with me because we have memories there too with Hannah. I think it is because I know I can keep making new memories with them but those are all the memories I get with Scott. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my memories of Scott. It is as if I have to make them stick really hard. I'm still trying not to talk about him all the time, to keep living forward but it just doesn't seem to be so easy. I want to remember as much as I can but I'm willing to make new ones too. I want more in my life.

I reach so far into each day. Somedays I come up empty and somedays are full! I like the days are full of fun and adventure. Today is one of those days. I stay busy and try to make each day worth still being here. I want more. I dream for more. I don't know if my dreams match where I'm supposed to be though. How do you deal with the reality of life when all I want is only a dream now. I'm usually really good at being where I want to be but now it just doesn't seem so easy to jump, leap, throw caution to the wind and kiss my dreams hello.

I don't know when to give up and when to keep punching away. Things just feel so overwhelming when a bowl of some shelf stable meal makes me cry. I know why because I'm missing the person that holds me up and takes my fears away. People care and people love me but that unconditional love and compassion is missing from my day. When I can pick up the phone to just hear a voice on the other end to aleve my fears of the strangeness that is my life is what I enjoy. I know it is there but it is that next step on a rung of fears. Why is life so full of moments of fears that are silly and irrational? I can make it through all the tests. I can deal with the answers. If it is the worst or the best, I need the answers. I just keep trying, even when I want to give up on my dream. I need help though. I need to hear the voice on the other end asking me "What else?" I may not be able to say what I really want to say. I need to leap but I don't know how so I stay in each moment of where I am. Maybe someday....