With a Kiss

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
-Ingrid Bergman


One of the thoughts in my head today. Well maybe for a few days now. Oh who am I kidding. I will always remember my last true kiss from Scott and then of course the teasing kiss right before he left the house. You know it is really hard to look back at text messages we shared the last week he was alive and know how much love for me was in his heart. To have that missing. Scott was the take control person in our relationship when it came to affection. I did at times but he always knew how to make everything in the world disappear with just one kiss at least for a moment. I doubt I will ever be as brave as he was. I doubt I would ever be able to just reach out and steal a kiss. 


It is funny how the mind wanders through the maze of thoughts. I was looking at my saved texts to and from Scott this afternoon. I try not to do that very often but it is a true snapshot of the good times and bad for us. I can tell you he certainly earned Angel status before he left this Earth just by being in a relationship with me. I was the spoiled one and there are things I wish I could change but I know I can't do that for Scott. Maybe someday I will get a chance to take that first kiss and show just how much I learned by losing Scott. I know I can dig in my heals and be spoiled but I have learned that giving is so much more rewarding. The little things that drove me nuts don't matter anymore. 


I want to be able to share my life again. I want to know the joy of that kiss that makes the rest of the world disappear. I want to be brave enough to open my arms when the time is right. I'm still scared to try but who knows what will be handed to me. I have learned that I'm less afraid to try new things (except don't mess with my food) but I will always have that fear of loss and rejection. So for now I settle for the memories that bring tears to my eyes for the loss but also for the tenderness of true emotion. I'm such a romantic. A romantic who is better off with the novels of a life that isn't possible to return. I'm afraid to even try. 


Bleck I make myself nauseated thinking to deeply about love tonight. You know they always say if you fall off the horse you should get back on and try! I think my horse has run away and left me to walk home alone. In reading the texts today there was a moment when I said to Scott, "I can survive on my own. I don't have to depend on you to make me happy." His answer was "he couldn't. He needed me." I'm afraid to be needed that much again. I don't know if I could survive another heartbreak. I am stronger then I realize but I can't just step. I'm never going to be able to take that risk again, even though I miss sharing that closely with someone. 


Oh the joy of irrational fears that aren't even a possibility yet! Go figure! Leave it to me to make an issue of a non issue! So back to my make believe world of books. Back to my dreams of being held and kissed again. Back to my own vivid imagination. If he is out there for me can you start easing him into my life a bit louder. I think if I have to wait 10 years to get there I won't bother.