Stained Glass

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
       - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross


Amazing that I have had to find that inner light to make life happen for me. Tomorrow is a rough day. 18 months of a life I really don't want to be trapped in. I miss so much. I miss that laughter and love, the fights and making up. I have a life that is half of where my dreams used to be. I'm getting there but I know it will never be the same. I can live forward. I am living forward into a different life. I can't have the life I dreamed but my life is forming into new dreams. 


I like the moments that I realize my light is shining from within. I like to know that I a smile that finds joy in silly little moments of the day. I'm still making some more changes. I have some decisions to make and I'm making them as the doors and windows open to me.  I know me and I can tell you I'm not sorry that I am who I am. I know there are a few people I need to remove from my life and the only way I can do that is step forward into my own changes. 


There will be moments where I have to fight to find the light to let my beauty shine through but I keep trying. I will make it with each moment and gift I receive. Each moment I have to look towards protecting my own heart. I'm just sorry that I have to become somewhat more closed because that is not who I am. I live life with my heart on my sleeve but maybe it is time to back step to caution to find a way to make my sparkle remain brilliant.  I wish Scott were here. He was always my protector. He hated to see me hurting. I know he didn't leave me on purpose but he sure needs to work from the great beyond to surround me with light and love. My afternoon was fun but I'm fighting the darkness to keep living, to keep shining. I feel so at loss. I know I need to hold on tight but the glue feels like it is losing it's stick.


I know there is always another path. It may not be the one I expected or wanted but I'm trying to forge ahead. I have to face the moments of darkness to see the beauty in the light. I will get my wish. I hope it is soon because my fingers are slipping and my strength is faltering. I have to make it. I just need to be held up over the next few weeks. I have the strength to hold up others but not myself. I don't understand but I'm trying to focus on myself and not others petty behaviors. I need to look up and find my love. I need him and I think I've been ignoring the signs that he does continue to guide me into the light and love.