Games

That which a man willingly shares, he keeps.
That which he selfishly keeps, he loses.
       - Anonymous

Scott and I used to play games. Not emotional games. I'm not that kind of person. You know when I love you and I'm an all in kind of person. Scott was very much the same way. I was remembering today disappearing in his eyes and how wonderful that feeling is to have, to share. That place that connection. No Scott and I used to play real games. Yahtzee, Trivial Pursuit, and of course Toystorymania on the Wii. I was looking for the cat the other day and I found two of the games under the bed. I'd forgotten they were there. It is funny the things that trigger great memories. I left them there. It's not like I need to put them back in the game closet. They aren't much fun to play by yourself. It wasn't the games, however, that made me smile. It was the competitiveness that was part of our relationship. We were always trying to outdo each other. The fun part was there was never a loser. We could spend all day together working, keeping life professional but still have that competitive drive to tease and torture each other without others knowing it was going on. 

I think about all the things we could say or do an no one else would understand. It is very possible to have a life and love that is made up in all areas of living. As I was getting ready this morning I was looking at the mementos of our relationship I have kept on my bathroom counter. One of those was something he kept in his office at all times but it would seem like just a random sticky note to someone else but to us it was love. The other was a game we used to play when I was out of town. I would leave notes around in places for him to find. The note he kept says "I Miss You!" It is there with the other that are truly love notes. I love the rewards from our games. I miss those moments. I miss myself too. I miss the person I know I truly am. The greatest gift I have to give is love. 

I don't care the hurt involved I can never stop sharing my love. I love in so many ways to so many people. I'm glad I was given the chance to share love in the way it is meant to be. Life is more then what I can conquer on my own for myself. It is about what I can be and what I can give of myself. There was another quote I found tonight:

Every man goes down to his death bearing in his hands only that which he has given away.
       - Persian Proverb

I know in my heart Scott knows the love he gave to so many. I know the power of sharing the love he gave to me. It didn't matter to him that I have a few "ehhum" extra pounds, a bit of a temper when upset or moments of melting into an emotional mess. He loves me for who I am and my love for him. Whatever it was he saw in me was for the good! He always told me I made him a better person. I know the same was for him with me. I want to keep doing that. I want to continue to be that person he fell in love with. That person that made a difference in his life. He may be gone but I am still that person. When it is my time to be in the loving arms of God it will matter that loving was my priority in life. It comes in so  many different forms that no one is right. You just have to take the time to give of it freely. If it is important enough it will be returned. It has to be it is the best gift in the world. No amount of fear of failure, heartbreak or loss will ever convince me otherwise.  It is ok to take a chance. The stars will never be in just the perfect place you just have to leap with all your might and find a way to make it work. Games of love are always worth the risk. 

Not So Much

Survival! It seems to be the way of the world for me. I could do so many things but sometimes I chose to sit back and retreat. The world is celebrating and I'm hiding. I did the football/band mom thing. It was a great high but as all good thing I had to bounce back to reality. I've tried to be positive and focus on life but I have a few choice words for myself and a few choice words for Scott for leaving. It is really hard to hang on when Hannah isn't here.

I haven't left the house since I got home on Friday afternoon. I watched three movies, read three novels, ate lots of leftover, played on the computer and cried. Lots and lots of tears. Lots of anger and sadness. I'm in charge of my life and myself but this is crap. I have a patient that talks about how is life is so lonely. His is very self imposed and I'm trying not to do that to myself. How do you keep from it when the rest of the world seems so together. It is times like these that I know I'm not where I'm supposed to be. How could this be where I'm supposed to be?

So I've done what I know I can do - Prayed! Lots and lots of prayers. With that came more tears and some very strange answers at some very strange moments. I'm trying. I'm on the stupid rollercoaster and  the seat belt is loose. I don't know how to hang on and sometimes I don't know if I want to hang on. I know who I am and I know where I am. I'm not crazy! I'm grieving. I don't know at what point my life will be different.  It is times like these that the anger and sadness come out all at once. Do you know how horrible that makes me feel? The people who see this the most are the ones closet to me. When the smallest thing happens and I can't cope anymore. When the bottom of my life drops out and I have to deal with changes. I do really well most of the time but at what point to I get a break.

I realize I'm not the only one in this world who has experienced these sensations but when you spend enough time with your own thoughts rationalization and acceptable behavior gets tossed to the curb. There are so many times I just want to walk away and start over but that doesn't change who I am or where I've come from. Sometimes I just need someone to stop and listen without me having to ask. I just need to have someone hold me up so I can melt for a bit. Let me melt and I will find my feet again. I just wish the world wasn't so overpowering with all the things others think we should be doing. I'm trying not to listen but it's hard to get through one holiday when the day you finish the next is being pushed at you. How do I cope with one day at a time? I don't know but I've come this far. I guess I just keep trying, sometimes just not so much though!

Heaven is for Real

Hannah got a gift for Confirmation of the book "Heaven is for Real." Tonight I have started and finished the book in about 4 hours with a few breaks in between. I have had a rough day. This morning the overwhelming sense of loss and why me. I spent of few minutes in self pity and asking God to help me through, to be surrounded by light and love. I know at one point I asked for proof that I was only in a nightmare and I was going to wake up and Scott would be grinning and using his little boy charm that I love. I guess I'm awake and working my way through the day.

I managed to make a meal for Mom, Bob and myself. It was nice and quiet and I enjoyed a time in the sun on the patio. Clean up was a breeze and the food was just want I was craving. I have a nice life. I try really hard  not to whine and complain but that piece will always be there. In the book I read today. The little boy is describing his trip to Heaven as his father tells the story to us. The Dad is a pastor but even this time answers many questions for him too. For me I found what I have been searching for in my spiritual journey. I've never lost my faith in all of these months but I have wondered how to know the prayers are heard. I know when Scott left us here on Earth. I know he won't be back in his human form but I also know the prayers I said were answered. We found him. Now I have new prayers and I know they are being answered. Maybe not as fast as I would like but they are there.

I know in my heart the words we say to God in our prayers don't need to be all flowing and wordy. We can ask for things in a simple form. It is okay to pray from our heart. It is okay to live life with the wonder and joy of childhood. We can fulfill our societal adult roles without losing our wonder and joy. It is okay to reach for God with simplicity. I know my prayers are being answered. I just have to continue to trust in the Lord's plan for my life is what I feel in my heart. I have to be willing to continue in my daily prayers and allow time to happen in it's own pace. My wishes aren't that very far away. My heart feels the answers. I know Scott will always give me to infinity and beyond. I know where I belong. I just have to trust the places I am headed are the rainbows of answers for my prayers. So now my heart is lighter then it was when I started out my day.

Thanksgiving Eve

Thanksgiving Eve:  Is that really a term? I'm not sure but I guess it is true since it is the day before Thanksgiving. I have worked very hard at being thankful. It seems like it should come easy. I have a great life, a beautiful daughter, wonderful friends and a supportive family. I get to do fun things and enjoy a fruitful life. It really isn't as easy as it should be. I know I'm still here living a life but holidays are so full of memories that are joyful yet painful.

We all know I have food issues. It is even worse then it used to be. I don't know what my poor daughter is going to do with me when she has to care for me. I hope she doesn't do to me like Mom does. "She'll find something to eat." Holidays are very much about sharing and families but all my memories are tied to the darn food. I was thinking about all the memories of my childhood Thanksgiving celebrating with my family. It is funny to me how my meal for tomorrow has evolved from my personal favorites. I don't mind cooking things I won't eat for others. I love having a huge family gathering. I miss sharing those moments.

I'm just stuck in Scott's last Thanksgiving. I know it was a good time for both of us. This would be our year to celebrate without the girls. I'm trying not to be sad. I'm trying not to struggle so I have stuck to the things I find comfort. I baked a pumpkin pie, prepared the green bean casserole, mixed my pink fluff salad, chopped onions and celery for stuffing. Now the part I'm not so good at is the turkey but I will try. I miss the kitchen dance, laughing, joking, teasing and loving. Those are the things that make the food important to me for Thanksgiving. It is the last little bit I can control. The big smile as we set the table for two with the good china, crystal and silverware. The planning of the next year after the wedding. I'm stuck in the holidays of the past.

I know I still have holidays to celebrate but I'm learning. I'm trying in all the rest of the days. I do more then survive in all the rest of the days. I have a life but I don't think I'm ready for more. Sometimes I think I can leap then slap in the face makes me know I can only do life in small spurts from Hannah and I. I'm in a routine. I don't know if it will be a good thing to have more changes. So I make choices that work for what I can handle with as little stress as possible. I may be stuck here forever but I'm comfortable. That is more then I was last year. The panic about the holidays is less but the loss is still very real for me. One holiday at a time. Christmas seems to be easier this year because I have found a way to step out of the normal because that holiday is about Hannah. I can't do that with Thanksgiving yet. Maybe in 20 years I will find a new life.

Sweetness

It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. 
       - Ralph Waldo Emerson


There are times and places to make due with who I have become. I enjoy my own company. I do have moments of loneliness but I am only trying to please myself and what is right and wrong in my own world. I work for myself and for Hannah. One of my patients enjoys visits from myself and calls my office just to chat. He keeps telling me the thing he misses most in his life is companionship. He forgets he tells me and we have an ongoing discussion about how I do understand because I lost my love. I don't want to be like that in my life, sad and lonely. I don't want to be starving for attention. I am very fortunate because I do have some great people in my life who make each day better. 


I realize I am who I am. I don't know how to be anything but me. I know I have changed but my life isn't about the things I have, the size of my body or how I climb the ladder. I try very hard to treat others as they want to be treated but I also expect from myself to be the best I can be. I know there are moments where I need to have tons of support but there are times when I have to step back and use my own brains to make my life better. I have reached a point where I am comfortable in my own skin and the life I have. I don't know if it is sad or lonely but I can picture myself exactly where I am. I don't know if there will be the companionship in my life or I will spend the rest of my days with my Angel as my company. I don't know but I'm comfortable where I am. 


Yesterday I sat in Church as Hannah complete her Confirmation. I struggled with where I was but I felt where I needed to be in my Spiritual journey. I know in my heart I have the support of God. I know in my heart Scott is a part of the Love I feel in each day. My panic is so much less. I know what I want and I'm trying so hard to get there and be there. After we finished with celebration lunch I took Mom and Bob out to where Scott died. They had never been there. They never got to see what I saw. It never made sense to them until yesterday. There was nothing that could be done. So many places where a well placed what if could have changed a horrendous outcome but here I am. This is my life. I have so much to give to the world. I have learned that without the love for each other there is nothing else in this world that will make a difference. I have more love to give. It is where I will be. 

Briar's Roses

Today I pulled into the driveway after a very long and stressful day. Oh heck who am I kidding it has been a long and stressful month! As I pulled in I see a glimmer of pink winking at me from the flower bed. I had picked up my kitties from their weekly bath at the vet. Don't ask another stressful event but they don't mind going anymore! It is my quiet night home alone, once again. I don't mind so much anymore. Somewhere somehow it has gotten easier. I miss the companionship but well maybe I'm supposed to learn how to be this way.

Anyway, back to my story. I pulled into the drive and saw the little twinge of pink. That bush is the one Scott used to pick a flower and bring it in to me. I still have the first one he brought to me. That little impish grin, so proud of himself for being so thoughtful to pick a rose from my own shrub. I miss those moments but then I see the rose in the crazy Texas November weather and I know God's magic is at work for me. I pray for those moments and there they are. There is my joy just like the friends that know the right time to show up or call. There is a higher power and we don't get to know all the answers just yet because we are still here.

I believe there are people in my life for reasons I don't understand. I know where I want to be, I just don't always see the path. It isn't as easy as a yellow brick road leading the way. That yellow brick road wasn't trouble free either, flying Monkeys, trees the thump and a misunderstood 'wicked' witch! Hey maybe I do have a yellow brick road in my life, it is just hidden by a bit of moss. I have so many positive golden moments in my life. The pen fairy that visited my office for a drive by, a thank you from a coworker, a text from my daughter (because I'm the only one she can text right now) and even a "hi mom" from the damp kitties in the carrier. My life is a rose peeking out from the thorns.

Discipline is Love

"Only those who do nothing at all make no mistakes... but that would be a mistake."
       - Anonymous


I have learned all kinds of things in my life because I make mistakes. I am by no means perfect. I don't want to be perfect but I do try to do my very best. I'm not the perfect rule follower all the time but there is a time and place to do the right thing for others without thinking of myself first. When I think of where I am in my life I see so many things I have learned at such a tender young age. I spent a lot of time in reflection today while I was driving. It's a good thing I can drive and think at the same time. I have many challenges to face today was not any different. 


There are right and wrong choices to make. Today I had to help my beautiful daughter face some of her wrong choices and face the consequences of her actions. I love her dearly and wish for her to never know the pain I feel daily. However, in my life, as I just told her, I love her more then Scott. Scott knew this and was in complete agreement. She is my reason I have the strength to keep going each day. I hope someday she will read these words and I know I chose to be here because of her. My life only matters because God gave her to me. I will always be there for her even when discipline is the correct path for that love. She is a beautiful, smart, funny and talented young woman. I want only for her to be the best she can be!