Thanksgiving Eve

Thanksgiving Eve:  Is that really a term? I'm not sure but I guess it is true since it is the day before Thanksgiving. I have worked very hard at being thankful. It seems like it should come easy. I have a great life, a beautiful daughter, wonderful friends and a supportive family. I get to do fun things and enjoy a fruitful life. It really isn't as easy as it should be. I know I'm still here living a life but holidays are so full of memories that are joyful yet painful.

We all know I have food issues. It is even worse then it used to be. I don't know what my poor daughter is going to do with me when she has to care for me. I hope she doesn't do to me like Mom does. "She'll find something to eat." Holidays are very much about sharing and families but all my memories are tied to the darn food. I was thinking about all the memories of my childhood Thanksgiving celebrating with my family. It is funny to me how my meal for tomorrow has evolved from my personal favorites. I don't mind cooking things I won't eat for others. I love having a huge family gathering. I miss sharing those moments.

I'm just stuck in Scott's last Thanksgiving. I know it was a good time for both of us. This would be our year to celebrate without the girls. I'm trying not to be sad. I'm trying not to struggle so I have stuck to the things I find comfort. I baked a pumpkin pie, prepared the green bean casserole, mixed my pink fluff salad, chopped onions and celery for stuffing. Now the part I'm not so good at is the turkey but I will try. I miss the kitchen dance, laughing, joking, teasing and loving. Those are the things that make the food important to me for Thanksgiving. It is the last little bit I can control. The big smile as we set the table for two with the good china, crystal and silverware. The planning of the next year after the wedding. I'm stuck in the holidays of the past.

I know I still have holidays to celebrate but I'm learning. I'm trying in all the rest of the days. I do more then survive in all the rest of the days. I have a life but I don't think I'm ready for more. Sometimes I think I can leap then slap in the face makes me know I can only do life in small spurts from Hannah and I. I'm in a routine. I don't know if it will be a good thing to have more changes. So I make choices that work for what I can handle with as little stress as possible. I may be stuck here forever but I'm comfortable. That is more then I was last year. The panic about the holidays is less but the loss is still very real for me. One holiday at a time. Christmas seems to be easier this year because I have found a way to step out of the normal because that holiday is about Hannah. I can't do that with Thanksgiving yet. Maybe in 20 years I will find a new life.