Dog in a Fight

What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the fight in the dog.
       - Dwight D. Eisenhower




I feel like this so much more lately. I have been living and hanging on, yet recently I've been fighting to climb back into my life. A friend laughs at my size and I'm most generally easy going but lately there have been things happening that I'm tired of being kicked. I'm stronger then those moments. I know what I'm doing and how to make things happen. I'm not out for myself in life but sometimes I have to be there for myself. Who else is going to do things for me? My "person" is gone. The person I trusted with my life is gone. I have to fight like the tiny little shitzu with the heart of a doberman. This redhead has the spirit of a big bad Marine when provoked. Well I've been provoked into doing things I didn't know I could do. 


Tomorrow I go in for more tests. I don't know if he will find anything or if he is even sure what he is looking for in my diagnosis but at least he is trying. I know what I feel in my heart and soul. I know I have to keep striving to fight for my life. There are things and places I want to be. I'm not sure if I'm on the right path but darn it why can't I get a break. Why can't I be in a place where I am strong but supported by love. Why do I feel so lonely so often? I keep doing what I can only do. I'm the one that has to battle for myself because there isn't anyone who wants to join me  to conquer life. I miss life with a partner. I miss having the person who looks at me, knows what I'm thinking, smiles and says "tell them 'bite me!'" Then holds me to get through the next day, is there to hold my hand and worry when I'm not the best. 


I love my friends believe in me and keep me going with support but darn it!!! Why can't I be where I want to be? Why do I have to be here instead. I still miss my life but I'm adjusting to my new life. Somewhere I have to be in the right spot to be where I want to be and where I'm supposed to be. The spot where I get to have magic moments. Where I get to look up and smile into eyes of love and life. I'm tired of being the fighter but I keep doing it because I don't have a choice. I will fight to be where I'm supposed to be! Can someone just give me a hint where that magic is hiding?