Love and Other Drugs

I don't want someone else. I want you. I want to be there to take care of you, to carry you. - a paraphrase from the move Love and Other Drugs by Jake Gyllenhaal character to Jamie Randall to Maggie (Anne Hathaway)

I remember words very similar to that being said to me. The reason I was able to be okay is that Scott was sick too. Two stupid sick people who loved each other very much. We didn't have a chance to make it but I'm happy for what we did get together. It taught me the magic of being loved and loving. I sat here watching a rather extreme end of the "R" movie spectrum that turned into something very poignant for me. How is that possible? Messages everywhere and I can't seem to ignore them. So I'm sitting here at 2:30am trying to get thoughts out of my head. Isn't this the best place for me to do that?  The words just flow from my fingers.

I don't know where I'm supposed to be or go but yet here I am with my thoughts racing again. Movies are they just out there to mess with our minds. Just like all those skinny models who make my life crap when I look in the mirror. Do you know how much it sucks to have an MS day and the person who made sure you were good, boasted your ego, helped you to the bathroom, washed your hair, massaged your tremoring arm and loved you just because isn't there anymore?  I don't feel lovable right now. It's at times like these I'm very frightened of the future. I'm alone and I never want to be a burden on my daughter. Yet here I am. At least with Scott we muddled through. We were rarely sick at the same time. It was always as if we knew we had to be there for each other.

I woke up this afternoon from a real sleep. Not a drug induced dead to the world sucks sleep but a real life rest. Do you know how often that has happened in the last 19 months?  I can count them on my left foot if I were missing toes. I had amazing dreams that were fun and full of laughter. A big burly guy friend dressed i a clown costume and another girlfriend sitting at a counter ordering a cheeseburger making friends with others around us. I was happy when I woke up this morning. You would be too with the clown I saw in my dream.

Our other movie selection tonight would have been the movie that arrived for Hannah, The Time Traveler's Wife. That is the last movie Scott and I watched together with our carpet picnic. I sat in this very spot crying. We had a discussion that night about death and how that would feel to lose each other. I'm the one that got to experience that pain. He will never know the heart wrenching ache that will forever be in my heart. The nights of sitting here crying wishing for a life of bickering, laughter, love, teasing but mostly companionship. I want to grow old in the rocking chairs on the porch watching our grandkids while we hold hands. Cliche' yes but it is still a dream.

I want to be told that I am loved for me! I want to know that it doesn't matter that my weight is a problem. I want to be see for me but I'm afraid of losing my life again. Of finding something so special and it being torn from me because it wasn't where I was supposed to be. The only forever we are guaranteed is death. My Mom and  have been having this conversation about me taking care of her. I notice how much her memory is failing her but somehow in my heart I think it will be the other way around. What do you do when you have hopes and dreams? What do you do when your image of yourself inside your head doesn't match what you see in the mirror? I can only keep hoping. I can only keep praying. The last few weeks have been incredibly stressful. I know there are people who are here for me every step of the way. It is just the times when I'm alone and my head goes to work on itself that I become trouble. I want me back. I want my life back. Is that too much to ask. I want to make life move a bit faster but I don't get that choice. So I work with what tools I've been given. I will make it but darn it can someone find me Love and Other Drugs!