Heart in a Box

"What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.” - Perciles

I'm so driven to complete projects and tasks. I don't like to do things half crapped. I want to do things to the best of my abilities. Sometimes it is possible and sometimes there are people who stand in your way. Scott used to laugh at me because I would get frustrated and then attack a problem at a different way. If I thought I failed he'd make me keep trying. There were several times when something would happen and he would say "just wait! You are right and it will happen!" He always knew when I doubted myself. The last few days I have been struggling with those thoughts again when I can hear him telling me 'you are good at what you do! You do the right thing and believe in yourself!' He left behind pieces of himself that are now a part of me.

I was thinking today about how much we are all connected and our lives matter to each other. There are people I know from childhood who are part of my fabric of who I am now. I may have spent years not knowing them as we grew up but now we have reconnected thanks to technology and they are a new part of my life. I have people I have met through the years that no matter where we go or who we are with we are still connected, no matter what! Scott has given me people to care for me too. The pieces of his life he left for me also came with some great new people I have been meant to share life with.  How else can I be so excited about my guys, my fantasy football guys, or Scott's FB wife. Then I have my new friends that make me laugh and smile. The new friends that see me. I'm trying to find my identity as someone other then the girl that lost her fiance/husband.

That person is here. It is now a piece of who I am but I'm not always that person. I love to laugh and giggle. I love to get things done that matter to others. I know I'm not always right but I like to find the best way to do things and help others. I can and will achieve each day. I battle the hurdles that are thrown my way. I don't like it though. I want a break but I seem to be on a journey that requires something or maybe I'm not listening to my Angel again. Maybe I'm not where I'm supposed to be and I'm getting a message with each crappy hurdle to make the right decision. I can't stay where I am and get what I want. Why is it impossible to have all the pieces of life connect at the same time. I did have it though! I know it is possible. I just keep dealing with 4/4/10 and the pieces of my life that have been left behind.

Sometimes I feel so invisible but then someone touches my life and I know I matter to them. A message on FB, a phone call, but my favorites is when I have given someone a smile to get them to the next spot in life. I touch many people but having that one to share everything with is what I miss most. I'm ready for my dream to come true but I'm not allowed to be there yet. I don't get to choose that dream, not yet! I must still have pieces of me I have to leave behind to help others. So here you go, here is today's piece of me. My heart needs a boost, my arms need a hug and I really need more but there are still some hurdles to cross. Maybe my heart is sitting in a box beating on it's own until I can collect enough pieces to put myself back together. Someplace where someone needs me in their life to share the highs, lows, craps and joy. There has to be a moment where someone will take my heart of this protective box so I can soar once again.