Not So Much

Survival! It seems to be the way of the world for me. I could do so many things but sometimes I chose to sit back and retreat. The world is celebrating and I'm hiding. I did the football/band mom thing. It was a great high but as all good thing I had to bounce back to reality. I've tried to be positive and focus on life but I have a few choice words for myself and a few choice words for Scott for leaving. It is really hard to hang on when Hannah isn't here.

I haven't left the house since I got home on Friday afternoon. I watched three movies, read three novels, ate lots of leftover, played on the computer and cried. Lots and lots of tears. Lots of anger and sadness. I'm in charge of my life and myself but this is crap. I have a patient that talks about how is life is so lonely. His is very self imposed and I'm trying not to do that to myself. How do you keep from it when the rest of the world seems so together. It is times like these that I know I'm not where I'm supposed to be. How could this be where I'm supposed to be?

So I've done what I know I can do - Prayed! Lots and lots of prayers. With that came more tears and some very strange answers at some very strange moments. I'm trying. I'm on the stupid rollercoaster and  the seat belt is loose. I don't know how to hang on and sometimes I don't know if I want to hang on. I know who I am and I know where I am. I'm not crazy! I'm grieving. I don't know at what point my life will be different.  It is times like these that the anger and sadness come out all at once. Do you know how horrible that makes me feel? The people who see this the most are the ones closet to me. When the smallest thing happens and I can't cope anymore. When the bottom of my life drops out and I have to deal with changes. I do really well most of the time but at what point to I get a break.

I realize I'm not the only one in this world who has experienced these sensations but when you spend enough time with your own thoughts rationalization and acceptable behavior gets tossed to the curb. There are so many times I just want to walk away and start over but that doesn't change who I am or where I've come from. Sometimes I just need someone to stop and listen without me having to ask. I just need to have someone hold me up so I can melt for a bit. Let me melt and I will find my feet again. I just wish the world wasn't so overpowering with all the things others think we should be doing. I'm trying not to listen but it's hard to get through one holiday when the day you finish the next is being pushed at you. How do I cope with one day at a time? I don't know but I've come this far. I guess I just keep trying, sometimes just not so much though!