Sweetness

It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude. 
       - Ralph Waldo Emerson


There are times and places to make due with who I have become. I enjoy my own company. I do have moments of loneliness but I am only trying to please myself and what is right and wrong in my own world. I work for myself and for Hannah. One of my patients enjoys visits from myself and calls my office just to chat. He keeps telling me the thing he misses most in his life is companionship. He forgets he tells me and we have an ongoing discussion about how I do understand because I lost my love. I don't want to be like that in my life, sad and lonely. I don't want to be starving for attention. I am very fortunate because I do have some great people in my life who make each day better. 


I realize I am who I am. I don't know how to be anything but me. I know I have changed but my life isn't about the things I have, the size of my body or how I climb the ladder. I try very hard to treat others as they want to be treated but I also expect from myself to be the best I can be. I know there are moments where I need to have tons of support but there are times when I have to step back and use my own brains to make my life better. I have reached a point where I am comfortable in my own skin and the life I have. I don't know if it is sad or lonely but I can picture myself exactly where I am. I don't know if there will be the companionship in my life or I will spend the rest of my days with my Angel as my company. I don't know but I'm comfortable where I am. 


Yesterday I sat in Church as Hannah complete her Confirmation. I struggled with where I was but I felt where I needed to be in my Spiritual journey. I know in my heart I have the support of God. I know in my heart Scott is a part of the Love I feel in each day. My panic is so much less. I know what I want and I'm trying so hard to get there and be there. After we finished with celebration lunch I took Mom and Bob out to where Scott died. They had never been there. They never got to see what I saw. It never made sense to them until yesterday. There was nothing that could be done. So many places where a well placed what if could have changed a horrendous outcome but here I am. This is my life. I have so much to give to the world. I have learned that without the love for each other there is nothing else in this world that will make a difference. I have more love to give. It is where I will be.