“If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies;
succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
be honest and frank anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
do good anyway…
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa
I'm better today. Well maybe a bit of a lie in there too. I sat in my really dark grey office with not all the lights on this morning and the tears just poured down my face. Crying is an emotional need just as laughing. I texted my BFF from college, Crystal. She walked me through my moment with the promise of ice cream and a drive around the lake. I do believe I have found what I'm doing for my next trip. I have a bunch of people that would love to see that trip happen. Since I'm still not allowed to travel to any location and be completely alone. You see I do know I have people who love me and what the best things in life for me.
I still have a rollercoaster of emotions but I don't think that is ever going to change. I can, however, continue to ask for help and be open to the laughter. I can accept the people in my life who want to be here for me. Even the ones I don't think I deserve or the ones I don't realize how much they really care. I have to remember that I must face my life with kindness and honesty. There will be good days and bad days. There will always be someone in my life who wants me there, even if I don't recognize the signs. Sometimes, I'm just like a guy. You have to just spell it out for me because I'm so clueless.
I think God and the other side are doing that right now as I sit here on the patio enjoying the beautiful evening. My Cardinal has returned and hopefully soon my Bluejay will be close by. The outside world has been a wet mess. The skies have cried with me over the last few days. It was like this two years ago so much rain. I always wonder how my life would be different if the pond hadn't been full. He would have survived. I would have found him but now here I am. Enjoying the flowers and songs of the birds. Seeing new life all around me. I get that some day soon right? I get my own new spring. I get to have that person who wants to call me first? Who wants me to know the silly things that happen in their day? Who likes to know that my voice makes them smile? I can survive this time of year. It will just keep coming. I have to have my ways to cope. I have to open my arms and my heart. It is the right thing to do!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Positive - TOMORROW!
Sometimes it is a moment that makes all the wrong in the world fade, even for a brief moment in time. The last two days have been that for me. You see I have been able to use my skills and knowledge to help make a difference in two very special people's lives. I wish everyday was this rewarding. It is also this type of day I wish I had the person in my life who appreciated the little victories and understood what it meant to use the things I learned in continuing ed and apply it effectively.
I have the people I work with and we share the joys. However, I'm so used to the person I'm with all the time just getting me and not needing to explain what I do. I miss being able to celebrate. The flip side of the coin is when I have a day that I need to work through the struggles and the person just isn't there! I have some wonderful friends but I'm angry again. I'm angry that I have to struggle and celebrate alone. I'm angry with where I am. I'm tired of faking it. It really doesn't get me anywhere. Until you have walked this path you can say all you want but faking it doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make the person you like the most return. It doesn't make something wonderful happen.
I'm trying to keep living forward and keep saying my prayer. I live but is it really a life? I keep hanging onto what I have left that matters but it's not so easy when that is slipping away too. She doesn't need me. She has her own life, her own transportation and her own life to live forward. The only way I get to see her is kidnap her for vacation or ground her from her freedoms when she thinks she is more independent then she really is. I want magic in my life but it went away.
I talk about loving another but that's just words. There are times when I think I'm really going to be here alone talking to myself and the cats. Making it through each day with the fake smile, living in the small victories but wishing for the past. He can tell me all he wants that I will have something wonderful but what does that really mean? Do I have to wait for our castle in the sky? Do I have to settle for the Disney Dissing Dude? He continues to be rather persistent. At least someone thinks I'm worth the time. I finally asked why he puts up with me. He said he's not in a hurry and I'm worth waiting for. Okay sounds like a line to me. I just want someone who tells me the truth. Who loves me for who I am and doesn't care that I am a little round in the midsection. The person who is willing to leap with me and not just say all the right words. I want the person who shares in my life and doesn't need me to make all the decisions. I want my partner in crime back.
The teacher who made the most impact on my life used to say, "Grumble, grumble, gripe, gripe, Grrr!" She passed away last year. I have to agree this is where I am today! My rollercoaster of emotions! Two years really isn't that long in the parts of my life. I'm going to try to be positive - TOMORROW!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Tattoo On My Heart
Tattoo's on my life. That is what we have. It is a country song I heard on the radio tonight. I didn't bother looking to see the artist because I'm sure it will play again. I was exhausted when I came home this evening. I laid down and before I know it the time had passed. I had the moments of a very real visiting. I have to be very descriptive because I could feel him. I don't mean feel his presence but felt him, the real him.
In my alternate world Hannah and I were in my bathroom. I walked into my bedroom and he was there with Simba. He looked at me and said, "We were just checking on you! You weren't supposed to see us!" He then walked out the door onto the patio. Then turned around walked back in and said to me, "I can't just leave and not have you in my arms." He kissed me and held me. He told me he is "always close and never leaves me for long. We will be together again because this isn't the end of our story. You are on the right path and there is something wonderful about to happen for you." There was more to the dream but those words are what have stuck with me
You know there is something so very powerful in those moments. I would never in a million years be able to write the feelings this moment created for me. I have so many feelings going on in my heart right now. I miss Scott. His love his my tattoo. I don't need an ink one to know I have the one on my heart.
When I woke up the Disney Dissing Dude had called and left a message. I still haven't listened to the message. He just doesn't get I don't need to be pushed. I have explained three times this is the hardest time of the year for me. Next week is coming. It is really hard not to look at the calendar and just dread the days. I can't stand the Easter commercials and all the things in the store. I still have my Easter bunny containers for the chocolate he gave me. Two of them to be exact. If I can't get rid of those how can I have the energy to worry about someone who doesn't know me at all? So I'm trying to not be rude. I'm not the best catch in the world. I'm so damaged that whomever is my right place has to take me with all my quirks and craziness.
So here we go next week is going to happen so I will just keep living forward. I can make this and will celebrate the man who taught me to be myself and love with all my heart. I have been smiling and working into each new day just as I should be! So tonight I have to continue with my prayer, surround me with my light and love, guide me protect me, show me the way. I will find the right place at the right time.
In my alternate world Hannah and I were in my bathroom. I walked into my bedroom and he was there with Simba. He looked at me and said, "We were just checking on you! You weren't supposed to see us!" He then walked out the door onto the patio. Then turned around walked back in and said to me, "I can't just leave and not have you in my arms." He kissed me and held me. He told me he is "always close and never leaves me for long. We will be together again because this isn't the end of our story. You are on the right path and there is something wonderful about to happen for you." There was more to the dream but those words are what have stuck with me
You know there is something so very powerful in those moments. I would never in a million years be able to write the feelings this moment created for me. I have so many feelings going on in my heart right now. I miss Scott. His love his my tattoo. I don't need an ink one to know I have the one on my heart.
When I woke up the Disney Dissing Dude had called and left a message. I still haven't listened to the message. He just doesn't get I don't need to be pushed. I have explained three times this is the hardest time of the year for me. Next week is coming. It is really hard not to look at the calendar and just dread the days. I can't stand the Easter commercials and all the things in the store. I still have my Easter bunny containers for the chocolate he gave me. Two of them to be exact. If I can't get rid of those how can I have the energy to worry about someone who doesn't know me at all? So I'm trying to not be rude. I'm not the best catch in the world. I'm so damaged that whomever is my right place has to take me with all my quirks and craziness.
So here we go next week is going to happen so I will just keep living forward. I can make this and will celebrate the man who taught me to be myself and love with all my heart. I have been smiling and working into each new day just as I should be! So tonight I have to continue with my prayer, surround me with my light and love, guide me protect me, show me the way. I will find the right place at the right time.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Have you ever...?
Have you ever!!! Laughed until you cried, loved with all your heart, yelled at the person you love, slammed a door so hard the house shook and with one smile the world was right for someone else?
I've done them all just not recently. Today I hired someone to do the work in the yard I'm unable to do. Scott hired the last one but he just wasn't doing what I asked him to do. We shall see if this works. I wish I were independently wealthy and could work in my yard all day or do as I pleased. Since that isn't happening I must make some concessions to living in a house that is soon to be alone. I miss out on so much that is life I enjoy by hiring things done but I don't have much of choice. There are just some things that are meant to be enjoyed together. But I still get to use the riding lawnmower - yeehaw!
I enjoyed my travels on the road this weekend. It gave me time to reflect on my journeys and travels with Scott. All the places we had been and the things he encouraged me to do and become. It is because of my life experiences that I have become more patient with some parts of my life. I have things that still bother me and I want fixed immediately but that isn't happening so I've had to learn to stop and refocus my priorities. Hannah has always been that for me but I also have to take care of myself. I can only do things with the time I've been given.
I don't expect perfection in my life. I have given myself permission to be selective in the tasks I must complete and conserve my physical strength on the ones that are most important to where I am in my life. The chair may still be filled with clean clothes or dishes in the sink but did I just spend an evening out on the patio with Hannah making memories! You bet I did. Will we always remember the time the giant toad croaked in the pool and we were both afraid to lift him out? Of course we will!! I enjoy the moments listening to the crickets chirp! The june bugs buzzing and the water bubbling in the pool. We don't ever have to say a word but just being together builds bonds.
Just as I remember the large turtles Scott and I caught in the pool along with numerous garden snakes. Then sitting on the edge of the pool with our feet dipped in the water laughing, loving and planning our future. I may not have reached the future we dreamed but isn't most of the fun the journey. In my mind I will always see us being married in the castle and the reception in my parents backyard. In my heart I got to wear my dress just to see the love in his eyes. There will be those moments that will go just as planned and then those where the love will be in the moments between awake and sleep where the dreams are remembered.
I have new dreams now. I have new wishes now. The time will arrive when those will put me just where I'm supposed to be. Until then I will feel all the love in my heart for the moments at hand knowing that Scott will always be close by sharing in my life. The music never lets me forget.
"But you went away
How dare you
I miss you
They say I'll be okay
But I'm not going to ever get over you" - chorus to Miranda Lambert's song OVER YOU
One day at a time I will continue to live forward in each new moment of memories. I can and will always have my times of grief and sorrow but laughter brings me closer each day to new love in my life!!
I've done them all just not recently. Today I hired someone to do the work in the yard I'm unable to do. Scott hired the last one but he just wasn't doing what I asked him to do. We shall see if this works. I wish I were independently wealthy and could work in my yard all day or do as I pleased. Since that isn't happening I must make some concessions to living in a house that is soon to be alone. I miss out on so much that is life I enjoy by hiring things done but I don't have much of choice. There are just some things that are meant to be enjoyed together. But I still get to use the riding lawnmower - yeehaw!
I enjoyed my travels on the road this weekend. It gave me time to reflect on my journeys and travels with Scott. All the places we had been and the things he encouraged me to do and become. It is because of my life experiences that I have become more patient with some parts of my life. I have things that still bother me and I want fixed immediately but that isn't happening so I've had to learn to stop and refocus my priorities. Hannah has always been that for me but I also have to take care of myself. I can only do things with the time I've been given.
I don't expect perfection in my life. I have given myself permission to be selective in the tasks I must complete and conserve my physical strength on the ones that are most important to where I am in my life. The chair may still be filled with clean clothes or dishes in the sink but did I just spend an evening out on the patio with Hannah making memories! You bet I did. Will we always remember the time the giant toad croaked in the pool and we were both afraid to lift him out? Of course we will!! I enjoy the moments listening to the crickets chirp! The june bugs buzzing and the water bubbling in the pool. We don't ever have to say a word but just being together builds bonds.
Just as I remember the large turtles Scott and I caught in the pool along with numerous garden snakes. Then sitting on the edge of the pool with our feet dipped in the water laughing, loving and planning our future. I may not have reached the future we dreamed but isn't most of the fun the journey. In my mind I will always see us being married in the castle and the reception in my parents backyard. In my heart I got to wear my dress just to see the love in his eyes. There will be those moments that will go just as planned and then those where the love will be in the moments between awake and sleep where the dreams are remembered.
I have new dreams now. I have new wishes now. The time will arrive when those will put me just where I'm supposed to be. Until then I will feel all the love in my heart for the moments at hand knowing that Scott will always be close by sharing in my life. The music never lets me forget.
"But you went away
How dare you
I miss you
They say I'll be okay
But I'm not going to ever get over you" - chorus to Miranda Lambert's song OVER YOU
One day at a time I will continue to live forward in each new moment of memories. I can and will always have my times of grief and sorrow but laughter brings me closer each day to new love in my life!!
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Neck Massage Recruits
I'm so tired. A workshop on what basically breaks down to facial massage. Now I just happen to know my partner in the workshop. I didn't know she would be here and haven't seen her in years but once again divine intervention. We've had a great time except she found a lump in my neck. Great just why I need to go see the MD again. Kyle is going to love seeing me. I did warn him I was prone to unusual stuff!!!
Now when I return I will be seeking practice dummies oh I mean volunteers to practice my face and neck massage techniques on. Be warned you may be drafted. It actually feels great. I was so relaxed with the practice labs this afternoon I came back and took a nap. I was dreading this trip but it has been nice to hang out in the room and rest. I'm making progress on Mickey circles for the afghan I'm making while listening to the jets fly out overhead. I'd rather be on the jet to FIJI but that will happen.
Disney dissing dude keeps texting almost like he's trying to use his sales rep techniques on me. I hate to tell him I'm smarter then that. I don't need to buy any furniture for the church. I struggle stepping in one still!! I don't want someone who has to sell me on them. I'm wise to those techniques! I'm beyond my college years - hehe! Crystal not a word about my secrets from college. I don't want to be part of someone's admiration society. I deserve to be more in someone's life! I'm keeping my own personal rules and standards.
Okay back to practicing massage on myself! This is a time Scott would have been happy to let me practice. He wouldn't let me put the electrodes on him to practice way back when but I can hear him now. He'd be helping me name all those throat muscles. Maybe a visit in my dreams will make this all so much easier. Off to the big comfy lonely king sized bed. Pillows just don't hug very well but I know what I want and I won't settle for anything less!!!
Now when I return I will be seeking practice dummies oh I mean volunteers to practice my face and neck massage techniques on. Be warned you may be drafted. It actually feels great. I was so relaxed with the practice labs this afternoon I came back and took a nap. I was dreading this trip but it has been nice to hang out in the room and rest. I'm making progress on Mickey circles for the afghan I'm making while listening to the jets fly out overhead. I'd rather be on the jet to FIJI but that will happen.
Disney dissing dude keeps texting almost like he's trying to use his sales rep techniques on me. I hate to tell him I'm smarter then that. I don't need to buy any furniture for the church. I struggle stepping in one still!! I don't want someone who has to sell me on them. I'm wise to those techniques! I'm beyond my college years - hehe! Crystal not a word about my secrets from college. I don't want to be part of someone's admiration society. I deserve to be more in someone's life! I'm keeping my own personal rules and standards.
Okay back to practicing massage on myself! This is a time Scott would have been happy to let me practice. He wouldn't let me put the electrodes on him to practice way back when but I can hear him now. He'd be helping me name all those throat muscles. Maybe a visit in my dreams will make this all so much easier. Off to the big comfy lonely king sized bed. Pillows just don't hug very well but I know what I want and I won't settle for anything less!!!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Peaceful Journey
“There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred?
Of what is the spirit made?
What is worth living "for, and what is worth dying for?
The answer to each is same. Only Լ❤ƔЄ...ღ.”
― Johnny Depp
I've been dreading traveling again this weekend. I'm not sure why but I don't really feel like being alone. There are several different paths to take to make the journey to Houston. Today I dawdled packing. I'm not sure why. Then I sat in the driveway thinking, "which way to I want to go?". I just finally started driving with my own mental turn by turn in my head. It sure felt like Scott. I ended up going a way he always talked about driving when we were to go down for our beach engagement photos. It was like he was with me. Strange I know if you don't believe in that sixth sense but I had an overwhelming sensation of not being alone. I could hear him pointing out the sights and all if the patches of wildflowers. You know it is a requirement if you are educated in Texas to know them all! I've got the bluebonnets down!! I just wasn't alone today. Very odd feeling at times but it was very peaceful.
As I was driving I had sudden memories of a good ol Sunday drive with my great aunts. They are all in heaven too but I will always treasure them. It's funny because the first trip Scott and I took together was to a conference workshop for me. It took us forever to get to Dallas because we wound our way around the Texas countryside with a stop at every place he had ever lived. I miss my best friend and companion. He made the most of his alone time and together we had great evenings. I believe! Those powerful feelings of presence and the magic of the music make it impossible for anyone to ever convince me I'm wrong.
Then there were the White Toyota Tundras that always seemed to be behind me! Really! The trip is 189 miles and for about 110 of them multiple Tundras behind me, beside me or in front of me. At one point three of them at once! I guess I have to put aside my panic and feel the spiritual side of my being. Love is the most powerful pull in the universe. So here I am in the giant king sized bed watching Basketball on the TV alone. I HATE basketball! It stresses me out. Yet it was Scott's other love - March Madness. I rarely turn on the TV in a hotel room but tonight it was the voice again. Lately the presence has not been so often but today very strong. I'm not upset, I'm not sad or crying. I just feel very much at peace. I'm just going to keep listening with my heart! It's never wrong! Sometimes the moments of just knowing make life so much easier. So now it's time for the KU game! Go Jayhawks, if my heart can take the stress!
Of what is the spirit made?
What is worth living "for, and what is worth dying for?
The answer to each is same. Only Լ❤ƔЄ...ღ.”
― Johnny Depp
I've been dreading traveling again this weekend. I'm not sure why but I don't really feel like being alone. There are several different paths to take to make the journey to Houston. Today I dawdled packing. I'm not sure why. Then I sat in the driveway thinking, "which way to I want to go?". I just finally started driving with my own mental turn by turn in my head. It sure felt like Scott. I ended up going a way he always talked about driving when we were to go down for our beach engagement photos. It was like he was with me. Strange I know if you don't believe in that sixth sense but I had an overwhelming sensation of not being alone. I could hear him pointing out the sights and all if the patches of wildflowers. You know it is a requirement if you are educated in Texas to know them all! I've got the bluebonnets down!! I just wasn't alone today. Very odd feeling at times but it was very peaceful.
As I was driving I had sudden memories of a good ol Sunday drive with my great aunts. They are all in heaven too but I will always treasure them. It's funny because the first trip Scott and I took together was to a conference workshop for me. It took us forever to get to Dallas because we wound our way around the Texas countryside with a stop at every place he had ever lived. I miss my best friend and companion. He made the most of his alone time and together we had great evenings. I believe! Those powerful feelings of presence and the magic of the music make it impossible for anyone to ever convince me I'm wrong.
Then there were the White Toyota Tundras that always seemed to be behind me! Really! The trip is 189 miles and for about 110 of them multiple Tundras behind me, beside me or in front of me. At one point three of them at once! I guess I have to put aside my panic and feel the spiritual side of my being. Love is the most powerful pull in the universe. So here I am in the giant king sized bed watching Basketball on the TV alone. I HATE basketball! It stresses me out. Yet it was Scott's other love - March Madness. I rarely turn on the TV in a hotel room but tonight it was the voice again. Lately the presence has not been so often but today very strong. I'm not upset, I'm not sad or crying. I just feel very much at peace. I'm just going to keep listening with my heart! It's never wrong! Sometimes the moments of just knowing make life so much easier. So now it's time for the KU game! Go Jayhawks, if my heart can take the stress!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Rubbish Overcome
"Once in an age God sends to some of us a friend
who loves in us, not a false-imagining, an unreal character,
but looking through the rubbish of our imperfections,
loves in us the divine ideal of our nature,-
-loves, not the man/woman that we are,
but the angel that we may be."
~ Harriet Beecher Stowe
Have you ever had the right person in your life at just the right moments and you can't explain why? There are several people in my life but one in particular who just seems to come up with just the right things to say. One of those people you wonder why you are connected and what is the plan. I've been there yesterday and today. I friends that I don't question I just except. This friend, however, I can't just seem to go with it. I end up questioning. The wheels in my head turn and I must look like I have smoke coming out of my ears for all the thinking I do. So when that happens I have to take a moment and reflect. I know how much this person means to me and where I have walked because of the little moments that have sent me forward. I can only conclude God has a plan and I am walking forward. I'm not always the most patient person though and not knowing the answer to a secret drives me insane.
Maybe it is the time in my life to NOT question but just continue to accept where I am. I'm trying to spread my wings and fly again. I am happy when I can laugh and smile. This is who I am. I have walked through so much and the time seems to drag out. There have always been exactly the same number of seconds, minutes, days, weeks and months in a year (Don't get me started on leap year and the time change). I like the moments of my life where all my problems seem so small. Where I can conquer the world just because I'm lost in a conversation. I'm so grateful to those people in my life. My friends that share a deep connection that has to go beyond into the level of our souls. The people where conversation isn't hard and topics always flowing.
The we come around to me trying to spread my wings into the possibility of dating. I'm trying but there are some people where a connection just doesn't happen. I don't know how I do it but this feeling when someone can be nice enough but gives you the strange sensation that all isn't right. They may be just a very nice person but if a connection isn't there it just doesn't seem like the right thing to pursue. I'm trying to be nice but I don't see the point in spending what little time that is mine on someone that I don't feel the need to talk for hours and never wonder where the time went. I'm not ready for instant relationship. I want to be there and look up and it just feels comfortable. To find that connection where my life's rubbish is pushed aside and the depth of my soul is known. Am I just being a romantic dummy or am I spoiled forever with high ideals because of Scott.
I just keep hearing him say to me as he proposed, "I will always give you to infinity and beyond!" He promised and I still believe him. It may not be my forever in his arms of love but somehow I know he has the right person picked out and is doing a little bit of matchmaking from his side of the bridge. Love is a powerful emotion and when given completely in trust and returned makes all the rules in the world easier to bend. Now back to my romance novel. Maybe I need to take my love that is hanging out in my heart and create my own fairytale. Don't they say if you believe hard enough it will happen. Maybe there is an alternate world where I have the answers right before my eyes. I just have to take the time to open them and see what is right before me.
who loves in us, not a false-imagining, an unreal character,
but looking through the rubbish of our imperfections,
loves in us the divine ideal of our nature,-
-loves, not the man/woman that we are,
but the angel that we may be."
~ Harriet Beecher Stowe
Have you ever had the right person in your life at just the right moments and you can't explain why? There are several people in my life but one in particular who just seems to come up with just the right things to say. One of those people you wonder why you are connected and what is the plan. I've been there yesterday and today. I friends that I don't question I just except. This friend, however, I can't just seem to go with it. I end up questioning. The wheels in my head turn and I must look like I have smoke coming out of my ears for all the thinking I do. So when that happens I have to take a moment and reflect. I know how much this person means to me and where I have walked because of the little moments that have sent me forward. I can only conclude God has a plan and I am walking forward. I'm not always the most patient person though and not knowing the answer to a secret drives me insane.
Maybe it is the time in my life to NOT question but just continue to accept where I am. I'm trying to spread my wings and fly again. I am happy when I can laugh and smile. This is who I am. I have walked through so much and the time seems to drag out. There have always been exactly the same number of seconds, minutes, days, weeks and months in a year (Don't get me started on leap year and the time change). I like the moments of my life where all my problems seem so small. Where I can conquer the world just because I'm lost in a conversation. I'm so grateful to those people in my life. My friends that share a deep connection that has to go beyond into the level of our souls. The people where conversation isn't hard and topics always flowing.
The we come around to me trying to spread my wings into the possibility of dating. I'm trying but there are some people where a connection just doesn't happen. I don't know how I do it but this feeling when someone can be nice enough but gives you the strange sensation that all isn't right. They may be just a very nice person but if a connection isn't there it just doesn't seem like the right thing to pursue. I'm trying to be nice but I don't see the point in spending what little time that is mine on someone that I don't feel the need to talk for hours and never wonder where the time went. I'm not ready for instant relationship. I want to be there and look up and it just feels comfortable. To find that connection where my life's rubbish is pushed aside and the depth of my soul is known. Am I just being a romantic dummy or am I spoiled forever with high ideals because of Scott.
I just keep hearing him say to me as he proposed, "I will always give you to infinity and beyond!" He promised and I still believe him. It may not be my forever in his arms of love but somehow I know he has the right person picked out and is doing a little bit of matchmaking from his side of the bridge. Love is a powerful emotion and when given completely in trust and returned makes all the rules in the world easier to bend. Now back to my romance novel. Maybe I need to take my love that is hanging out in my heart and create my own fairytale. Don't they say if you believe hard enough it will happen. Maybe there is an alternate world where I have the answers right before my eyes. I just have to take the time to open them and see what is right before me.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Kissing
I woke up today crying. How is it possible that in my sleep something triggered my grief so profoundly that I could cry for two hours before I could pull my self together enough to go to work? I've been fighting all day to stay all together. How do I get through the day and get home to where Hannah never has to know that I've been collapsing. Over the last two years she has seen enough of that. I'm trying to respect her wishes. She is very quiet with her own grief. She hates it when I talk about Scott. It is very hard for me to not talk about him at all but she just wants to live. He changed me into who I am not just in death but in life. When we were at WDW this last week I made comments about things and even Mike kept commenting that Scott wasn't the only person I have happy memories with there. Oh I know and I love making new ones but the fact that I will never have anymore great loving moments with Scott is very painful for me.
Yesterday a friend was teasing me about kissing over lunch. I'd love to be in a place where that was possible. I miss being kissed senseless where the rest of the world melts away. Maybe I went to bed thinking about that possibility and I woke up crying. I don't know the answer. It is hard to realize how fast the time is flying and that it was two years ago that I was last kissed. I want that to happen again. I want to be in the right place and right time. I want to be able to bypass the rules and enjoy life. There will never be a day that I don't miss him but to be able to share my good and bad days with the person who can make me laugh my way out of tears and kiss me senseless would be wonderful.
I came home and found something to do with Hannah so she would never know there was anything wrong. The perfect thing for her to not know I want to still sit and cry - catching up on a week's worth of DVR! I try to talk her into the new video game I bought but she is busy reading her book. So the DVR goes on hold and we are sitting outside on the back patio together enjoying a moment. Always a moment with her that will be etched in my mind the perfect place. I'm trying not to voice the sadness of something we love to do together. I can't and won't spend my life looking backwards wishing my life away. I want to have my life continue to grow. I think I am doing this. I hope you all see me doing this.
I'm not wishing my life away. I'm living in the moments that I have been given. So tonight is about the magic that is my life at the moment where my daughter knows she is the most important person to me. I have to do what it takes to keep her living forward. Now maybe tonight I can have a trigger in my sleep that will let me wake up without tears but smiles and laughter. Hmm maybe one day soon will be a real change the rules from being the place where I'm supposed to be to the place I want to be are exactly the same! I'm glad I do have some wonderful people in my life who saw the pain in my heart and kept me laughing today. I can make it if I keep going. Oh heck what's the point in giving up now. Hannah needs me too much even if she thinks she doesn't. So for now I will stick to my romance novel and read about other people kissing! Someday I will have more kissable moments!
Yesterday a friend was teasing me about kissing over lunch. I'd love to be in a place where that was possible. I miss being kissed senseless where the rest of the world melts away. Maybe I went to bed thinking about that possibility and I woke up crying. I don't know the answer. It is hard to realize how fast the time is flying and that it was two years ago that I was last kissed. I want that to happen again. I want to be in the right place and right time. I want to be able to bypass the rules and enjoy life. There will never be a day that I don't miss him but to be able to share my good and bad days with the person who can make me laugh my way out of tears and kiss me senseless would be wonderful.
I came home and found something to do with Hannah so she would never know there was anything wrong. The perfect thing for her to not know I want to still sit and cry - catching up on a week's worth of DVR! I try to talk her into the new video game I bought but she is busy reading her book. So the DVR goes on hold and we are sitting outside on the back patio together enjoying a moment. Always a moment with her that will be etched in my mind the perfect place. I'm trying not to voice the sadness of something we love to do together. I can't and won't spend my life looking backwards wishing my life away. I want to have my life continue to grow. I think I am doing this. I hope you all see me doing this.
I'm not wishing my life away. I'm living in the moments that I have been given. So tonight is about the magic that is my life at the moment where my daughter knows she is the most important person to me. I have to do what it takes to keep her living forward. Now maybe tonight I can have a trigger in my sleep that will let me wake up without tears but smiles and laughter. Hmm maybe one day soon will be a real change the rules from being the place where I'm supposed to be to the place I want to be are exactly the same! I'm glad I do have some wonderful people in my life who saw the pain in my heart and kept me laughing today. I can make it if I keep going. Oh heck what's the point in giving up now. Hannah needs me too much even if she thinks she doesn't. So for now I will stick to my romance novel and read about other people kissing! Someday I will have more kissable moments!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
