New Habits

I find myself doing things at times I never would have done before. We all have little things we have picked up from other people but I now have habits that weren't ever mine. I, however, used to make fun of Scott for some of these things and I find myself doing them. Not because of anything I understand. I don't find comfort in them but it is like an intuition, a voice, a feeling asking me to do this. I'm sitting here right now doing one of them. I'm not paying attention but the TV is on the Baylor football game. I mean really I know he's heard of Angels in the End zone. We always talked about stuff like that so why am I sitting here with the game on the TV he can have front row seats. I think there really has to be something to the power of love and that bridge into the spirit world.

Ok so I know the difference would be our actual rear ends planted in seats in that stadium. I'm not really a fan of college football. I like high school and NFL but I don't watch the college stuff. I just don't know why I'm still sitting here with it on. The remote is right next to me but when I try to change it I hear, "I'm watching that!"  Okay I will leave it on. Now the other things I don't get are really strangely personal but seem to be an odd connection. I will just keep going, it's not even worth analyzing. There is so much that I don't understand in my life but I just take it as always one day at a time.

My day was a bit better. I know when I need a break. I know when I need a pick me up. Sometimes I don't understand how or when that will happen but it will usually arrive. I have the bestest people in my life. Even on the days when they unintentionally give me a grief moment. The same people then bring me out of it without ever knowing. Fate is an amazing part of life we don't get to understand. I think over the years I have learned the more you fight where you are supposed to be the more push you get to be where you are supposed to be. I think the only fight I have now is when I become overwhelmed with where fate has dumped me and I have to shut down for a bit. I try not to be angry. I have more tears then anything else but yesterday I think I would have punched someone really hard yesterday. I don't have those moments much but I did know it when it was happening.

Oh well I got over it. I made it through the anger and moved back into smiles. Now Baylor really needs the Angels in the End Zone not sitting here on my couch making me watch a college football game. This is a night I don't mind hanging out on the couch with my music and my book. I'm not so bored in a bit of me time. But I guess it is the season of bowls, college football bowls games that is. How do I know I'm such a silly mood now. I guess it is better then my angry mood last night. So here is my thought for the day:

Anyone can carry his burden, 
however hard, until nightfall. 
Anyone can do his work, 
however hard, for one day. 
Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely, 
till the sun goes down.
And this is all life really means.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

Night my friends. I love you all even in my crazy bipolar moments!

My Seven Dwarfs

I'm such a bipolar person today. Up and down, around and around. Whatever world. Let's just say I'm trying but really world do you have to be so full of to put it bluntly - shit! I'm not sure what the point of some of the stuff I see is about. I don't really care anymore. I just want to have a life that matters. I think it sucks that I get to live in this half life but honestly I am trying. I have so much to be happy about. My life didn't end and I know how important it is to keep going. I know I matter but really spent to much time alone with myself today. That makes me so melancholy.

Then I get the texts from H that she cleaned the house just so her boyfriend can come over for a bit. They miss each other and can only spend time together chaperoned. They mowed the yard and we went to diner. When we came home he wanted to see some of Scott's baseball cards. I love that he was talking sports. I miss those moments of being bored to death by repeat conversations. Who knew the moments were so magical. The kids were goofy off and Hannah challenged him to arm wrestling. Which is hysterical because she is such a weakling and kept losing. Oh to have those moments again with Scott. I miss being silly and fun.

See bipolar. I'm smiling and laughing with them and crying inside. I know he would have loved spending time with the kids too. I know I would have to remind him not to take over the conversation and let the kids spend time together. Now I get to sit on the couch with a computer as the kids are "stargazing" sitting out by the pool. So let's see what do I get to do with my life. I don't get to have a romantic weekend at our favorite place. I don't get a kiss in the middle of the day or a lunch date. I just keep trying. I find silly ways to amuse myself but it just isn't quite as much fun as sharing with someone. I try. I guess whatever! I guess it should be right but I just don't think I will ever be in a place to live more. I look at 'matches' and I can't imagine dating anyone else. I don't even want to know. So I guess I'm where I'm supposed to be tonight with my own seven dwarfs, Grumpy, Cranky, Crappy, Tearful, Lonely, Fat, Lazy and Frowny. I just so love these rollercoaster moments as I was sadly reminded today that I have no life and get to once again just remember kissing in the new year!

Braver Than You Believe

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... 
there is something you must always remember. 
You are braver than you believe, 
stronger than you seem, 
and smarter than you think. 
But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...
I'll always be with you.”
― A.A. Milne


I'm so lost without him but I can hear his heartbeat when I sleep, I can feel his touch and see his smile. I'm lonely but I know what I'm supposed to do and be and achieve. I'm focusing on the hear and now. I'm trying to keep going and fly. He just wants me to learn and live. I'm getting there and I'm proud of myself for coming so far in the last months. I am not alone. I don't know what I would be doing without some very important people in my life. I just have to remember I'm braver then I know, stronger then I feel and smarter then I realize. 


I have moments that I have moments that are a struggle to hold it all together but I don't know if that will ever change. I have decided I'm going to try to be all out there. The one thing I want to do is achieve the things we set out to do together. I am making it my priority to live and love. I will conquer my fears and leap. It may not be from a plane physically but living life sure feels like it could be. 

Join me for the thrill of living life. Join me in capturing the moments of magic and love. I promise no matter the end result the experience will be worth it. I know that as I keep living and finding moments of silliness and laughter that living matters. I don't know how I feel or what I do to get out of bed most days but I just keep trying. I have to matter to someone out there. If I'm not around somebody will notice. Those are the words I say to myself. When Hannah isn't here it is harder because I don't know how long it would be if I didn't make a silly statement or send a funny text or email. I feel the need to be completely alone but I've such a goody goody that I don't want to worry anyone. 

So here we go. Let's make this life worth the journey. Let's keep the moments that matter alive and going. I have a list to conquer and I feel a strange need to get it done quickly. There is an urgency like in the tasks Scott had on his to do list that last month he was alive. I'm so grateful that we got to do so many things together. I have the memories to keep me going. There will be a day when all I will have will be my memories and I want to know I did the most I could do in the little time I have been given here in this part of my life! I want to share the love and laughter that Scott taught me how to experience. Magic! Bring It On!!!

Gift Giving

Tis the season to be incredibly busy! I think this year is crazy because of the great time had by all going all the way to the State playoffs. Who knew adding three more games to our season could make such a difference. For me it was the perfect thing I needed. It kept me occupied without dwelling on Christmas. Now here we are! Someplace completely different. I need to be here. Actually I just needed to be anywhere except home. It is still a bit much to handle but I have learned coping mechanisms.

Isn't that really what this whole crappy grief process is about, COPING? I don't miss him less. I don't love him less. I don't wish he was right here everyday less. I don't smile at the thought of him less. I don't look for him everywhere less. I just cope better. I had a great lunch today with one of Scott's friends from college on our way here. She is now my friend too. I think Scott knows what he is doing when certain people have been brought into my life. I still feel like he's here gently reminding me how to just be me. I am learning how to be me more and more again each day.

Last night we had our family/friend Christmas and I was laughing the deep tears rolling down my face laugh at the dog, Lucky's antics. Today my Mom sent me a text telling me how good it was to see me laughing again. I've never really stopped laughing but it is easier now. When we got to the hotel tonight I was myself with the bellman/valet. My flirty smiling self. I have realized how much of myself I have been missing. Scott is still with me. He always will be but I'm not hiding behind him so much anymore. When he was alive I didn't hide behind him, we were equals. Our relationship was based on trust and love. There were never moments when I doubted his love just the rest of the crap from others trying to interfere. I don't ever want to play the martyr. I am stronger then that type of person. I don't want to be poor pitiful her for the rest of my life. I'm trying to be out there.

I have also not been working so hard at trying to make my life move faster. To get back to what I lost. That life is gone. I've always known that just don't like it. My life is new, maybe not improved, but different then I expected. A friend of mine and I were having a discussion about his calender being changed because of others. He is very task oriented and wants to get things done but has to accept when it doesn't always work that way. He was very stressed on Monday and as I watched him I could feel exactly what he was experiencing. We are both the same type of personality and it is hard to step away from those moments. I know the biggest thing I can share with others it the importance of here and now. I may have to accept my fate that I am where I am supposed to be even if I don't like it. I have to keep learning to find the memory making moments of where I am for now. We both matter to our kids and if we don't take care of ourselves who will be there for them?

So with that I'm glad I have spent the day with Hannah traveling. We are taking the time to make new memories. I'm glad I get to include others along the way. I'm proud of myself for being out there and not just hiding away. I'm proud of myself for not making up rules for my life because I'm afraid of my past. I have made mistakes and I will make mistakes but giving and receiving of love in the right ways can never be a mistake. I hope Hannah and all my friends and family know that it is with all my heart I give them love. It may be in a hug, a random act of kindness or even a silly inside joke gift but it is always done with love. It is always done with the intention of making someone have a better day. I don't hide behind walls. I am just me waiting with open arms.

Success is Sweet

I put the gifts in the boxes and I've wrapped one. I'm sitting here watching sappy Christmas love movies feeling sorry for myself remembering what it was like sitting here with Scott after each box was wrapped getting a kiss as he put on the name tags. "Life is worth living and when you follow your heart good things happen" is what the television is telling me. I know what my heart says but it is time I can't control. I know how to manage time. I can teach you how to remember time but I can't change you or time. I can't go back and I can't make the time go faster. I'm living in each moment.

Last night I sat here watching the lights, curled up on the couch and dreaming. I had finished watching movies and it felt good to just be here but lonely too. I miss so much and I'm trying to find the happiness in all the moments of my life. That means I have to face the quiet alone times of the holidays just as much as the frantic business of the past. I used to be the one that got everything done for everyone else. I miss those moments being there like that. The family, the love, the magic of the memories. I have regrets of the things that didn't get done but I do have the memories of all the amazing moments we shared. As I was sitting here dreaming Scott's stocking started moving. The ceiling fan is off and there isn't a breeze in the room. I know the answer. I wasn't truly alone. My house is always full of  love even when it is full only me.

On Friday night our football team came in second. That is nothing to be disappointed about! They played hard, they tried hard and they are amazing. They shouldn't be sad they should know that next year the success will be even sweeter. How could it not be? I think I keep trying to look at my life the same way. We almost made it. I had a great taste of the life I have always wanted. It will be that much sweeter when I reach that point. It is worth the wait. I may have been alone last night but I know I'm not. I'm learning about the sweetness of all my moments of life. I know I am loved. I know it will all happen. Isn't it true that good things happen to those who wait. I know I'm worth it! I'm a good thing!

Not a Tear Well Maybe for One Song

You see there are these things I've done in the last few days that I never thought I could get through without crying every moment. I still feel the tears but I can keep them in better check. You see it started on Friday night with a football win, then into Saturday night with a home grown Heisman Trophy winner. I felt the tears and I couldn't stop them but I got busy. I forced myself into nonstop action. I baked and baked and well baked. I stood in the kitchen for hours on end for the better part of two days. You see that is me. That is my normal. I didn't really have the initial desire but I decided I needed to keep busy and MAKE myself be part of the things I love to do for Christmas.

Hannah told me I was turning into a chocolate chip. I guess at one point I was covered in chocolate. I laughed and said I just needed a chocolate massage. I felt like myself. Working on a project with my hands that comes from my heart. I am at my best doing things for others. I always said I would have made the perfect 50's housewife. Maybe in a previous life there is a smidgen of truth. I didn't know baking could make me feel so much lighter emotionally. The funny part is when I bake I don't eat. Go figure! Baking could be my diet plan. I made gifts for all my staff and a few special people in my world. I hope I made their days a bit brighter with a few little goodies.

Then it was time for the Fall Holiday Concert for the Band. I have been dreading this moment but love to hear the kids perform. They are amazingly talented and can warm the heart. I cried the entire time last year. I realized today when we were with a patient that I don't carry tissue with me everywhere I go anymore. I think that is the best Christmas gift I could have ever given myself. So our Band Director chose some of my very favorite music for the Season. I was smiling and applauding. My heart was full of love and happiness. It was as I keep saying, music is a gift from Angels. My Angel seems to know just what gifts to give to me. I shouldn't be surprised he did alive too.

There was only one moment where I started to lose my control on my tears but I felt the love from the kids in the beautiful music they created. There is so much peace and joy in this world. I'm really trying to find all those moments that make my world special. Tonight was one of those nights. I want the kids to know the gifts they give with their music made the world a little bit more special for me tonight. I miss Scott everyday but I am trying to make what time I have here on Earth matter. There will never be another Scott but that doesn't mean my life ended. I may feel it so often but maybe the choice is to just keep baking when I feel that powerful loss. I know at least one person I can ply with chocolate. Now back to decking the halls and all that falalala!

Joy of Giving

I love days like yesterday and today that I know Scott would be dancing, cheering and on cloud nine. Our football team is going to Sate and RGIII wins the Heisman Trophy. I just have this really big feeling he would be stalking about town trying to get a glimpse!  I like the moments of joyful reminders. I wish everyday could be like this. I just keep smiling and knowing the feeling like Heaven has to be closer then we can see.

I know how much I have to keep believing. Not just in my Angel but where I am in my life. I know if I keep focused on where I need to be the great things in life happen. There are moments where it is bittersweet but I know the silver lining is still there too! Lots of lives have changed as dramatically as mine have and those people also had choices to make. I'm getting there. I promise I am.

Today Hannah and I went to do some Christmas shopping. I found the perfect gift for a friend just by accident. I wasn't looking but I looked down and there it was. I am trying to believe in the Magic that is Christmas for me. Scott got the importance of those moments for me. I like the gift of giving and not just the gift itself. For me the gift includes the thoughts and love that make each gift just right. It may have just been an accidental moment today but I must have had something in my heart already to just know in an instant it was the right gift. I'm trying to find that Magic that has been buried in my heart.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to put up the tree with Hannah. I think we both need the feeling that we are being embraced. The love is in all the ornaments from our lives. The tree isn't just something that stands there but it is an emotion. The stockings are made with love not just something I bought. Christmas is here and for me it is about love. The spirit of love is all around and I have to believe there will be more for me. I will make it back into the Magic. I just miss knowing Scott got how important finding the right gifts was for me. I miss sharing my love with someone who gets me, someone who appreciates what I give of myself to provide joy, love and happiness to others. That little bit of me is showing through. I just can't be afraid of the possibility of pain. If I don't give how can I ever learn to receive the love again? There is so much joy for me in giving.

Jump

"Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one lives forever."


I got a big dose of reality this morning. There was a horrific car accident on the highway. It was in the southbound lane as I was traveling north. I realized tonight when Mike brought Hannah home what I saw was bad enough but compared to what he saw was worse. He saw the flames and the truck on fire. He was driving past as an explosion occurred in the fire of the vehicles. I saw the aftermath of the fire and the accident. I was immediately in tears. I never want to see an accident where someone dies again. It sent me all back to watching them pull Scott out from the pond in his truck. I'm afraid of the emotions of grief still. I survive and live. I enjoy my life and those in my life. I smile, laugh, flirt and laugh but I'm still afraid of the moments when my emotions come out unchecked. I am truly thankful for the moments that I am alone when my tears happen. 


There are points that I want to take the risks but I'm afraid. I know things about life. I have a connection to answers I don't always understand but the part of taking the risks anymore. There is a part of life where I have to come out of this back into who I truly am. I know Scott wants me to take the leaps of faith into life but I know I have to be ready to accept all that means. Scott took the leap and I flew with him. I know there will never be another relationship like that in my life. I can say with all honestly I don't want that type of relationship again. Scott promised me so much and the only time he failed was the day he didn't come home alive. I know he didn't truly fail though because he taught me what love is all about. What it means to be in a grown up forever type of relationship. You can really have it all. It doesn't matter the circumstances of life that put people together. The piece that matters is to grab what is right in front of you and go. 


I don't ever want to look back on my life and wonder what might have been. I know I am where I am supposed to be, most of the time, because I have taken chances and made choices. I have made a choice but I have also learned I can't get be the one to make choices for others. The pieces of my life matter to me. I know I matter to others but sometimes it is hard waiting for the new pieces to fall into place. For the things you know and where you want to be it is worth taking a chance because once again I was shown today that no one lives forever. Reach for it all! Don't be afraid of what  you life has been, don't hold the past against your future, live in all the moments of today!!

Hammering Away

Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it.  Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before.  ~Jacob A. Riis




I have a project I've been working on for 20 months today! You see I didn't even realize it until this afternoon that today was the day we found Scott, 20 months ago. I've been sick. I love having no immune system. I get whatever goes around. I slept most of the day and this afternoon I woke up from a dream with Scott present. It was one of those very real moments that I just know he was there. This time my dream took place in the supermarket. Seems crazy but we all know that I am that! I wouldn't have it any other way. Being a little bit crazy and silly makes life so much easier to live. Anyway, in the supermarket we were sharing our moments like we always had when all of the sudden he took my hand and placed it into another's. It was like he was telling me there is more to my life to come.


I know there is more but I also miss those moments with him. So I keep chipping away like the stone cutter at living life. I'm not giving up even though there are thousands of moments where I would gladly give up but I don't. Even sick I'm living. Hey and the good thing is I've found a cute doctor who knows I know what I'm talking about when I'm sick. I was awake laying reading my current little romance novel when the book talks about the main female character losing her husband and dealing with her grief. The lead male and her love interest are discussing life after loss. When the lead male tells her, "you will always love him as that part of your life but you love me in the here and now. I respect that love." Gotta love a well written romance novel! 


Isn't that what life is all about, living in the here and now? I have moments where I dwell on the what ifs and whys of my life but I'm continuing to live. I still have hurdles like the grocery store but apparently in my dream there will be another to love me through that task. I love how the messages seem so very real. I don't know how the world works or what is just over that bridge but I have to believe there is more to life then we can see. I feel the power so often. I matter to those who have crossed. I feel the love and know I will be able to conquer the things in my life that still feel impossible 20 months later. I have to believe because someday soon I will hit that stone for last time and break through. I just have to keep trying. Love matters! I will be there in the store laughing, loving and living. Now to the current task - CONQUERING THE CHRISTMAS TREE!!!

Leftovers

I went to bed at 3:30 yesterday afternoon and got up at 11:00 this morning. Somewhere along the way I think I got out of bed and ate a cupcake or two or three but for the most part I slept. Exhaustion was the only word that fit the bill for me. Today I didn't do much. I did work for a few hours. Thank goodness for laptops and remote access. Can I get out of doing 16 hour workdays this week? I hope so  because I do need a break. I feel vacation planning coming on.

Today my biggest achievement was cooking for myself. That is two weekends in a row that I have cooked for myself. Wow is all I can say. Normally I do the quick drive thru or my favorite, PBJ but nope I cooked actual food from scratch. A recipe that I have tweaked over the years. The hardest part about cooking is leftovers. I'm not much into leftovers but there are a few things I will eat that way. I really miss cooking. The thing about cooking is that it is more fun when someone else enjoys what you create. Or when it's not the best then will tolerate the oops and smile.

I guess I could have done some other things today but it is nice to just hang out on the dark dreary day. I watched a movie but couldn't wrap my brain around reading today. I could have decorated for Christmas but it's not something I want to even attempt alone. It doesn't mean nearly as much without the family joy. I'm not so sure how to take care of this chore this year. I am very task oriented and when I do set my mind to tackling the to do list I achieve greatness but not with things like this. Christmas shouldn't be a chore. It should be full of fun, laughter and love.

I'm trying. I know where I want to be and one day at a time I'm getting there. I'm trying not to be sad and lost in the world. It doesn't work all the time but I'm trying. I'm cooking I guess that is a huge step into the right direction! Let's see what else I can make. I guess I will have to take a trip to the grocery store with Hannah soon though because the cupboard is bare. That is another thing I have to conquer all my own someday but not today. One more step at a time. That is what my days are all about.

Christmas Marketing

Welcome to the Season of "What the H*&& am I doing here?" Yes I'm so happy to celebrate. Can you hear the sarcasm in my typing? Actually it's not all true. I love driving around alone listening to the beautiful Christmas music of Silent Night and others while enjoying the twinkle of the magical lights. Those are the moments I feel the connection to the reasons that are really why we celebrate. What I'm sick of is the marketing, commercials and stuff of cranky, crabby people.

I want my Christmas joy back. I want to be able to put up ALL of my decorations and feel the love and laughter. To lay under the tree listening to the Holly channel, looking up at the lights holding hands. It doesn't help that I'm the only one left in the house who cares about the magic of Christmas. I would sit for hours if I could looking at the lights and magic of the joy in my heart. How do I capture that joy again? I'm worn out. I guess the decorations will stay in the spot in the garage for a while longer.

The funny thing is I can't stop buying ornaments. I have an ornament for every occasion. I have bought at least 10 new ornaments this year! Hard to believe but right now they are hanging out in the boxes and bags they came in. I'm afraid of the memories in the box. I know they will be easier then they were last year but it doesn't mean I won't cry. I'm a mess and that is all there is to it. I don't think I will ever not be a mess. I can smile real big, tell you I'm good, life is better and move like a whirl to get the day done but that doesn't change the big picture of where has the real me gone? Where has my joy and fun gone?

Oh well I guess I've lost my rose colored glasses of life. Oh well I guess I will keep it going, just not doing Christmas on my own. I guess I get to be a bit grinchy again this year. In my own time right? I'm better then I was last year. Who knows in 50 years I might enjoy the season once again. I will get things going in my time. This isn't my time for the tree and stockings hung with care. This isn't time for my lights and twinkles. I may watch my White Christmas over and over but you won't catch me singing along and loudly to the Christmas carols in my car. My only goal this year is to continue to put one foot in front of the other.