My Seven Dwarfs

I'm such a bipolar person today. Up and down, around and around. Whatever world. Let's just say I'm trying but really world do you have to be so full of to put it bluntly - shit! I'm not sure what the point of some of the stuff I see is about. I don't really care anymore. I just want to have a life that matters. I think it sucks that I get to live in this half life but honestly I am trying. I have so much to be happy about. My life didn't end and I know how important it is to keep going. I know I matter but really spent to much time alone with myself today. That makes me so melancholy.

Then I get the texts from H that she cleaned the house just so her boyfriend can come over for a bit. They miss each other and can only spend time together chaperoned. They mowed the yard and we went to diner. When we came home he wanted to see some of Scott's baseball cards. I love that he was talking sports. I miss those moments of being bored to death by repeat conversations. Who knew the moments were so magical. The kids were goofy off and Hannah challenged him to arm wrestling. Which is hysterical because she is such a weakling and kept losing. Oh to have those moments again with Scott. I miss being silly and fun.

See bipolar. I'm smiling and laughing with them and crying inside. I know he would have loved spending time with the kids too. I know I would have to remind him not to take over the conversation and let the kids spend time together. Now I get to sit on the couch with a computer as the kids are "stargazing" sitting out by the pool. So let's see what do I get to do with my life. I don't get to have a romantic weekend at our favorite place. I don't get a kiss in the middle of the day or a lunch date. I just keep trying. I find silly ways to amuse myself but it just isn't quite as much fun as sharing with someone. I try. I guess whatever! I guess it should be right but I just don't think I will ever be in a place to live more. I look at 'matches' and I can't imagine dating anyone else. I don't even want to know. So I guess I'm where I'm supposed to be tonight with my own seven dwarfs, Grumpy, Cranky, Crappy, Tearful, Lonely, Fat, Lazy and Frowny. I just so love these rollercoaster moments as I was sadly reminded today that I have no life and get to once again just remember kissing in the new year!