Gift Giving

Tis the season to be incredibly busy! I think this year is crazy because of the great time had by all going all the way to the State playoffs. Who knew adding three more games to our season could make such a difference. For me it was the perfect thing I needed. It kept me occupied without dwelling on Christmas. Now here we are! Someplace completely different. I need to be here. Actually I just needed to be anywhere except home. It is still a bit much to handle but I have learned coping mechanisms.

Isn't that really what this whole crappy grief process is about, COPING? I don't miss him less. I don't love him less. I don't wish he was right here everyday less. I don't smile at the thought of him less. I don't look for him everywhere less. I just cope better. I had a great lunch today with one of Scott's friends from college on our way here. She is now my friend too. I think Scott knows what he is doing when certain people have been brought into my life. I still feel like he's here gently reminding me how to just be me. I am learning how to be me more and more again each day.

Last night we had our family/friend Christmas and I was laughing the deep tears rolling down my face laugh at the dog, Lucky's antics. Today my Mom sent me a text telling me how good it was to see me laughing again. I've never really stopped laughing but it is easier now. When we got to the hotel tonight I was myself with the bellman/valet. My flirty smiling self. I have realized how much of myself I have been missing. Scott is still with me. He always will be but I'm not hiding behind him so much anymore. When he was alive I didn't hide behind him, we were equals. Our relationship was based on trust and love. There were never moments when I doubted his love just the rest of the crap from others trying to interfere. I don't ever want to play the martyr. I am stronger then that type of person. I don't want to be poor pitiful her for the rest of my life. I'm trying to be out there.

I have also not been working so hard at trying to make my life move faster. To get back to what I lost. That life is gone. I've always known that just don't like it. My life is new, maybe not improved, but different then I expected. A friend of mine and I were having a discussion about his calender being changed because of others. He is very task oriented and wants to get things done but has to accept when it doesn't always work that way. He was very stressed on Monday and as I watched him I could feel exactly what he was experiencing. We are both the same type of personality and it is hard to step away from those moments. I know the biggest thing I can share with others it the importance of here and now. I may have to accept my fate that I am where I am supposed to be even if I don't like it. I have to keep learning to find the memory making moments of where I am for now. We both matter to our kids and if we don't take care of ourselves who will be there for them?

So with that I'm glad I have spent the day with Hannah traveling. We are taking the time to make new memories. I'm glad I get to include others along the way. I'm proud of myself for being out there and not just hiding away. I'm proud of myself for not making up rules for my life because I'm afraid of my past. I have made mistakes and I will make mistakes but giving and receiving of love in the right ways can never be a mistake. I hope Hannah and all my friends and family know that it is with all my heart I give them love. It may be in a hug, a random act of kindness or even a silly inside joke gift but it is always done with love. It is always done with the intention of making someone have a better day. I don't hide behind walls. I am just me waiting with open arms.