Dancing Goofy

Sitting alone on the couch watching Christmas movies after the rest of the world has long since gone to bed. Someone told me today what an inspiration I am to them and as I sit here pondering that thought I still feel the great loss in my life. I know the grief will never fade but I have learned to live beyond the pain in my heart.  I share my moments of joy and triumph mixed in with the sadness and heartbreak each day. Who wants to be around a sad, old, fat woman. I know I don't yet that person is what I see when I look in the mirror. 

I saw the doctor today to renew my sadness medicine for the year. It helps get me through the days but I often wonder how to live my life alone. I don't mind being single. It seems easier then keeping the relationship comprises going. I don't have to worry about where I sit my pjs down in the morning or if I leave my shoes all over the house. If I want to leave dishes in the sink I do because no body else cares.  Truthfully I avoid H side of the house when she is home because I don't want to be that grumpy Mom. She does most of the stuff I ask her to do and somehow getting dressed from the clothes on the chair just seems like a battle that doesn't matter. 

It's not a horrible place to live. Our home feels lived in and full of love.  There are projects I need to get to and things I need to finish but I will get them done when my life slows down. That just isn't today or the next year and a half for that matter. When H leaves for college maybe in will finally get around to cleaning my craft room of all the wedding stuff or making
the quilts I want to try. I have mounds of cross-stitch projects to complete or I could continue making the Christmas ornaments that give me peace. I don't know where I will be but sappy Christmas movies don't make me feel any better. 

I miss laying under the tree holding hands and looking up at the lights. I miss taking our drives with the Christmas music blaring looking at the Christmas lights, I miss finding that special gift that only has meaning for two people even if it is as silly as Buzz band aids. I bought them again at Wally World last night. I bought the Buzz wrapping paper even though there is no one to use it for anymore. I walk through the store thinking of shopping for the girls even when I know Laynie isn't in our lives anymore. I miss her just as much as I miss Scott. I miss our family. But I'm living my new life trying not to be half a person. 

The bright side to my healing process is I know I don't need just any guy in my life to feel again. I'm not going crazy and just random dating. I don't have to throw my self into to something to feel alive again. I live each day and try real hard not to think about my future. I make little plans here and there but I could care less what my life will be like in two years. I don't see that far ahead anymore. There are things and people I hope are in my life for a very long time but for the moment it's just me laying on the couch listening to the silence around me wishing I was really as strong as people think I am. I would be lying if I said being alone is something I like to do all the time but being single doesn't mean I have to be alone. 

So maybe it is time to take my happy pill and wish for dreams that are filled with love and magic. Sometimes that doesn't mean Scott. A dream filled with a bunch of crazy Disney friends singing and dancing in front of a magical castle with some of them in costume being led by a dancing Goofy who chooses me to make smile brings a joy to my heart that I can only wish will come true. Sweet dreams my friends and thank you for allowing me to be in your lives. I love you! 

Dimes

Dimes

I've been trying to find one thing each day to be thankful for in November. I don't want to do the usual I want them to have special meaning for me to enrich my life and fill my heart with mending and purpose. I look at it as an assignment to help my spirit grow and my my faith stronger. 

This month has been very stressful at work. It is a very large case of who moved my cheese and I'm trying to not be frustrated or upset with all the stuff I have to deal with each day. Needless to say Medicare and the government aren't really saving money they have just moved it around to the fiscal intermediaries instead of helping patients they are denying services. Enough about that I'm trying to stay focused on helping my patients with the ever shrinking tools. So in each day I breathe and try to smile. 

Right after Scott died I started finding dimes in the craziest places where they shouldn't be; the bathroom in the tub, an empty suitcase I pulled out of the closet, in my shoe one morning. I'm not kidding. It is one of those things I don't talk about I just smile and say hello, my love. The dimes still happen but not very often until two weeks ago when my stress levels jumped. 

Once again I'm finding dimes everywhere. I had one of my eye shadows break in my makeup bag I was cleaning it out and in the bottom of the bag I found a dime. The biggest one was on Saturday I found a dime on the floor in the kitchen. I was home alone and horrible bored trying to entertain myself and not be sad. I picked up the dime and sat holding it in my hand. I was sitting on the couch in my spot reading a book flipping the dime between my fingers. My nervous, restless energy slowed down. I was better I couldn't sleep though. I hate going to bed alone in the empty house so I watched everything I had stored on the DVR. Finally I called it a night at 3 am. I laid the dime on the couch. 

On Sunday I went to work, not thinking about the dimes. When I got to work there was one sitting in my drawer that has no money. Gentle reminders I guess. When I got home I was waiting on H to return from her Dad's. We were going to attack my arch nemesis - the grocery store. As I was sitting there I was playing with my engagement ring and the dime. I realized the dime almost fits perfectly inside my ring, my perfect circle of love to infinity and beyond. 

I sat the dime down when H came in and we conquered the grocery store. It doesn't give me panic attacks nearly as bad as it used to, if at all.  I figured out the reason isn't time but they have gotten rid of the one thing Scott and I used to make a game out of, self help weighing station kiosks. Seems like something so small wouldn't be such a big deal but it would always make me cry and send me into panic mode. 

We got home unloaded the groceries and I went back to my spot on the couch to pay bills and sew. When I got over there I saw the dime on the ground. I'm not sure how it got there because no one was home to touch it. I'm going with my theory that the other side isn't that far away. I know it may seem strange but its like a reminder that I'm not struggling alone. There are powers I don't understand but I accept them. So I'm thankful for my Dimes. I guess with inflation Pennies from Heaven have changed to dimes. 

Trying for Thankfulness

There is this "thankful" thing going on over on FB. I'm trying to keep up being thankful each day but all I can think about is Scott. I have so much to be thankful in my life but I keep thinking about Scott. My brain never stops with him. I don't think it ever will. I was talking to a friend about dating etc and I have reached the conclusion that I would be great having a friend to hang out with but I don't want anything else. At two and half years after I lost my love to tragedy all I can think about his him. I function, I live, I walk and yet I don't feel.

I try to make it look like I have a place I'm headed but I really don't know anything. I drive home thinking about Scott. I come home and feel him in my heart and home. I sit at the football games and want him by my side. I make decisions about fantasy football and ask for his guidance for his team. I go to bed at night and I only pray he is visiting in my dreams. I socialize with my friends but all I can do is wish we could be doing things together. I love my daughter. I love spending time with her but she is growing up.

I'm worried about me. I'm worried that I really am better off alone and a crazy cat lady. I find myself lost in a room full of people wishing he were here to protect me. I stare at our pictures and just want to find his arms around me again. I don't really see the rest of the world just my own sorrow. I keep trying though. I keep doing things that make people think I'm healing but I'm stuck. I'm stuck in the quicksand and I just wish I could drown too. But I can't I have to keep pretending that I'm okay. I go to work and I struggle to plaster my smile on my face. I sit in the crowd at the football game and know I'm alone. I try to ask for people to join me so I can try to face my life alone but I'm still lost and alone.

I hear people talking about getting their family portraits made and all I think of is our family is gone. I should have pictures made with H and I but it just doesn't feel right. Alone and empty, struggling to keep sight of what I am really thankful about. I see the world of politics and craziness and I just want my world back as it continues to spin out of control. I don't really know where I'm supposed to be but I keep trying as my heart continues to be shattered in a million little shards that stab me every time I try to live forward. I don't know where I belong and I don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be!

Alone

Alone

What does it really mean to be alone? You can be in a room full of people and be alone or you can sit in an empty house and feel surrounded by love and life. Right now I'm sitting in a booth by myself in a restaurant in Austin. I'm alone but I not feel lonely. There used to be times would I never could have done this. 

Granted I'm sitting here with my iPad and iPhone. I have finished my meal and the place isn't busy yet so I can cope. I have to work hard not to have a panic attack when I'm alone in a crowd of people. I've had this problem way before my normal changed. I've always had to work very hard not to be painfully shy but after the change I knew I had to choose my own path in life. 

The other day, someone told me they think I push myself to hard. The person thinks I'm too hard on myself. I happen to know the secret to my problem. If I don't push myself no one else will and I really would end up stuck in my house forever. It was easy with Scott around. He liked to go and do, meet new people and enjoy life. So here I am sitting in a restaurant alone in Austin because I have to keep going for Hannah. 

My life is my choice and I'm coping with the difference in being alone and loneliness. I do battle the loneliness but if I push myself to stay busy and keep going I can conquer. The true test is when will I have had enough of myself? There are just some things in life that can't be done as one. I'm sure I would land on my face if I tried to ride a bicycle built for two and somehow I can't bring myself to rebook the trip to Fiji for one. I can still picture Scott and I on our dream trip together even though we didn't get to go. 

Maybe someday there will be another dream trip with the next phase of my hearts ability to love but for now I have enjoyed taking myself out to dinner for the best Cobb salad outside of the Brown Derby. The hardest part of dining alone is trying to figure out how to go to the restroom when there is no one at the table to watch your stuff. My solution - pray that you can wait until its time to leave. And with that final problem solved, I bid you goodnight as I journey beck to the stadium to pray my dearly loved Panther Band can make it to the finals to qualify for State! Go Band! 

Reflection of Me

"It is a wonderful day in a life when one is finally able 

to stand before the long, deep mirror of one's own reflection 

and view oneself with appreciation, acceptance, and forgiveness. 

On that day one breaks through the falsity of images 

and expectations which have blinded one's spirit. 

One can only learn to see who one is when one learns to view oneself with the most intimate and forgiving compassion.” 

~John O'Donohue

This is my biggest struggle. Most of the time I happy with myself but then there are those days when I don't feel pretty enough or smart enough, that I just don't make the grade for anyone else. I'm in one of those moods  I refer to them as my beached whale mood. I can understand why so many people have eating disorders if we as a society are as hard on ourselves as I am. 

When your whole world changes you have to learn to find the equator. I think my axis of reality is a bit tilted off the axis. I feel like I need to be that guy who jumped from the heavens with his parachute. Would that realign my image of myself?  It all started this week on Monday morning when I was orbited into work overload. My job is crazy and it just seems I don't have enough hours in the day to get anything done. I was human and made errors but for me they were big ones. 

I made them and I tried to move forward but it was enough to rock my calm waters. When I get like that I need a moment to destress. It still hasn't happened. I can't get all the work done and now I see this huge woman in the mirror. I need to hear, "you are beautiful, my heart. You are the woman I adore!" I look in the mirror and I don't see the person who was loved so deeply. 

I'm not sure who I see in the mirror most days. So different then my last day of normal. I'm living forward but the reflection I see has sad eyes, a smile that is just a bit to big to be real and the person you see at the buffet line that makes you avert your eyes. 

I'm not asking for reassurances that my outward appearance is more then that. What I see in the mirror is my inward appearance. The mirror is my window into my heart. I miss my smiling teasing eyes, my flirty self with the heart of gold. I don't see me anymore. I haven't seen me for a long time. I feel like that part of me died in those thirty-six hours and I'm just a shell of my former self. 

I make myself join the world everyday and I try to participate but it's not a cake walk. I try not to walk to the cake. I've been slipping lately. The other day I stopped for my dinner because H was out at band stuff. I found myself adding a piece of chocolate cake to the order. I don't normally do that but on this day I gave in to my reflection self and threw the control out the window. 

So now it's Wednesday and I'm working myself back on track. I don't need to really look like I feel. I need to find my real self in the mirror again. The one who believes in herself. The one who can face the challenges in life and come out stronger. That brave mask works well to most people who see me but I'm not always strong and independent. I really would like to have those strong arms around me loving me. I would like to know I'm interesting and worth spending time being silly and fun. It's up to me to find the strength to know I matter to myself consistently first! I have to fight through the bad days and believe I'm strong, smart, funny and loveable! 

Hand Turkeys

Hand Turkeys

"Each person in your life, each relationship, is completely unique. Each person is irreplaceable. You can even move forward with new people, new relationships but they never replace the old. If you're a widow and get remarried, a bereaved parent and have another baby, etc. there is joy in the new. However, your grief is not erased. Fortunately, the human heart expands to accommodate all of our many loves and relationships. Just remember that no life is replaced or forgotten." - Transcending Loss

I was on a mission to do pool maintenance and ended up doing a chore from the list Scott left for MY honey do list. We made lists for each other. It was one of those compromises that helped us deal with each others quirks. That way we knew if it was bothering the other person. He cleaned his cluttered closet. Why did I never empty the boxes from job changes I'd left in the garage? 

Somehow putting a chlorine stick in a skimmer basket ended in a chore check off! Two hours later I was sorting through a box and suddenly I was in shock. I found one of our craft projects when we first started working together, Hand Turkeys. The shape if my loves hand always and forever. I didn't sit in the driveway and cry. I sorted, threw things out and put the hand turkeys away. 

I'd done it! I had tackled a list from Scott's list for me and even one from his list (I moved the big Christmas tree from where he left it) without sadness. Or so I thought! I got home last night and sat in the driveway. I didn't want to get out and go in. I want to runaway from my life. I love H so I stay but something is missing. 

I've been sad for the last few days but I couldn't figure out why. It's the hand!! I miss holding hands. Not just the touching of the hands but all that implies. The sadness was there but not crippling. Just enough to make me miss my life. It took a friend in a weird place in his life today to make me think about how sad that has to be. Not to take the time to breathe and enjoy the friendships and relationships around you.  I don't think I will ever again be able to push away someone who cares about me. 

The last moments I saw Scott alive he was making me engage in our relationship. He believed in us. I believed in us but not as much as he did. I would give anything to have that again. I don't turn down my friends for fun. I join them because the life I have now may not be what I wanted but its still my life.  I don't always know when I need something but somehow I have learned the people around me always have something to give me that I didn't know I needed. I need hope to believe that it will all work out I need to believe that I'm here for a reason. There are people who are in our lives for reasons we don't understand. There are people who get us when we don't get ourselves. We just have to have blind faith in the plans we don't understand. 

You matter to me! You have held my hand when I didn't know I needed it. You dried my tears and wiped my nose when I was beyond consoling. You make a difference in my life and I want to make a difference in yours. I still have hands to share. I'm here because of you! Love comes in all shapes and sizes. I believe we all have a place for each other. Just reach for the hands of friendship you've been offered - Turkey! 

Just Me

"I really can't picture anyone having. Crush on me. I can't picture someone thinking about me before they fall asleep. I can't picture anyone getting butterflies because I said hi to them or even just smiled at them. I can't picture someone smiling at the computer screen or their cell phones when we're lacking. I mean like... Why would they even do that? I'm just me: Nothing extraordinary or special."

I know many people love me. I have proof! I'm still alive. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for those special people in my life. However, there is this little show on tv called Gray's Anatomy. They talk about having "the person" in your life who you go to for everything. Scott was my person and not just the obvious reasons. It would be nice to have my person in my life who texts me all day or takes the time stop and call me. 

I miss being able to have something silly happen have someone to tell that gets me and isn't to busy for those moments. I miss all those things and more. I know I make a day to day difference in many lives. I have patients who tell me they appreciate what I do for them. I have friends that are there when I need them. Except that one person who chooses to be with me. He was taken from me. 

I can no longer imagine having that type of person in my life. The scary part is the loneliness that comes along with it. The above statement is true for me. I'm here. I'm me but that part of my life is done. I don't get to have the hope that it is possible because I am just now learning how to be me - nothing extraordinary. Just living in the only life I have and it doesn't include that person who wants to take a chance with someone who will always have a special Angel finding moments to remind them of what it means to be loved. 

With This Ring...

With this ring...

Those are the three words we were supposed to share. We jokingly practiced the day I brought his wedding band home from the jewelry store. He just wanted to wear it but I wouldn't let him. I wouldn't let him. We shouldn't have waited but we did. Little did I know that I would be the one who took it out of the box and said the words. I know he was there so I wasn't alone but the symbol of the circle of eternity seemed so empty. You can't measure love to someone else. I know each of the men whom I have loved can and will never be compared. I know it is possible to love again. Now will the time ever be right, that I can't say but I know my heart still has the power of love to share. 

I have made so many steps in living forward. Lots of steps back but I'm happy to say those are so fewer.  I know I've grown an changed. There may always be moments of panic and the need for the Xanax to relieve the attack but you know I how much better a conversation with someone you love is makes it all "more better!"  I'd much rather hear a joke about sexy farm animals then drug myself. 

Now back to that ring that I have worn for most of the last two and a half years. I put it back in its box in the drawer before I left for vacation. It was the right time. It still makes me sad but I was ready to put his ring in protective custody. I also realized what I need in my life is a friend who has the same busy life and priorities to think about scheduling a break once in awhile to live in the moment. To just hang out and be crazy. I have several people I can think of but two of them are eleven hours away. 

I see how much my vacation did for me. I know how important getting away from the world can be. Today a friend told me I needed to just go work at Disney. I have thought about that before. I know, however, that I care more about the magic in the visits. I know the inner workings but I still need a place to be a princess. Where would I go for vacation then? My princess standards are to high for most places. 

So tonight I'm laying here thinking about the different stages of happiness. Where am I now that I wasn't three years ago? The obvious is Scott. Our relationship wasn't perfect. For that matter I still yell at him quite often just not for the same reasons. I'm ready to explore the next stages of this new life. Who knows, maybe that just means I start sleeping in he middle of the bed or maybe I need to just walk up and take a chance that requires getting over the panic things still happen. I do know that circle of gold and silver doesn't change how I feel for Scott but having the courage to put it away changes how I look at myself!!

Watchful Eyes

Watchful Eyes

What a beautiful day rain and all. This morning my alarm went off on my phone because I forgot to turn it off. I woke up from a great dream which included a wonderful friend in my life. I didn't realize I had the dream until something in our room triggered and I smiled. A few minutes later I got a text from the person I was thinking about. What a great way to start my day and know there are connections that we must just accept. 

We went about our business for the day with our routines. Breakfast in the Innkeepers Club lounge and out to the back door of EPCOT. We were headed to a meet. We haven't made many plans. We have gone without a schedule this trip except for a few little items. This was our one plan - an AllEars Meet with Deb Wills and the gang. Deb is one of those people who knows everyone and is still amazingly humble. She gave me the honor today of walking up to me with a huge hug. She took the time to honor me and ask how I was doing. She told me she keeps track of how I'm doing through FB. I know my life story through my loss of Scott and my willingness to be so open has touched more lives then I have ever imagined possible!!! 

We made our way around World Showcase eating, walking, eating, talking, eating, drinking. It was a very relaxing day. Two and a half years ago Scott and I talked about doing this exact trip - no rushing or racing allowed. He knew it was a dream for me to just be and enjoy our time together in my magical place. I'm so glad Lynne is here to share this trip with me. I miss Betsy and Susan nut we are all where we are supposed to be. 

After a beautiful nap in the room during a nice afternoon shower we made our way to the Club Lounge for more food. Yes we have been eating all day but not huge sizes and just the right amounts for tastes. I'm never been one to drink much but it has been fun to sample different tastes and favors. As we were walking down the hall to the lounge I hit my left arm on the wall/ fire extinguisher box. I didn't pay much attention but I walked on. Later when we got back to EPCOT for our second go around I looked down and I had cracked the face on my watch. 

My watch is one of those things that has meaning beyond just a watch. In 2008 I bought this watch on a Dec Mousefest trip. It never fit right. It drove Scott nuts. In Jan of 2009 he made the point of asking when we were at Kindlers Jewlers if they would adjust it. We were in there picking out my engagement ring. Little did I know it was going to be the ring he would pick for me. My watch played a part in a magical moment of our life together. Even later he would comment on how he was glad the great ladies at Kindlers made my watch fit. Little would he know what an important part they would give me to keep living forward! 

I commented that I guess I needed to go get a new watch now. We made our way to Mousegears. As I walked up to the counter Scott was there. The music overhead was his favorite song from The Jungle Book. I could feel him! I walked up to the counter and the exact same watch was there. How is that possible?  It's Disney the merchandise changes faster then you can blink. The lady at the counter kept saying you don't have to decide now. She went to look up the numbers. She came back and told me it was the last one. I knew I didn't have to think about it. He was there. 

I love my messages. I'm taking all of my day from beginning to end. I know it is time to keep living forward. Recognizing what I see and what I need in these moments of my life. We each have people in our lives for reason. Take the time to appreciate the Magical Moments, the dreams, the people who matter. They could be gone tomorrow it is important to open your arms to new magical moments.  I know my Angel continues to guide me, surround me with his light and love and protects me each day. Time matters and apparently we each have a time where we are to reach out to each other. A text from a friend that you want to spend more time with, taking a relaxing trip with an important person or knowing you touch the life of a person who spends her days touching the lives of so many others in a magical way. I'm here for a reason - so are you!!! 

Sweetie

“I love, therefore I am vulnerable.” 
― Madeleine L'Engle

Over the last few days I've been exchanging texts with my brother. If you know anything about my brother and I this is highly unusual. It's not that we don't love each other but we aren't exactly best friends. We grew up like twins but our lives are very different. Even when we were children we were completely different. We try though. Regardless of any history we are still siblings.

I started the conversation sending him the picture of us with Dad, Grandma and Great Grandma. I told him I was amazed at how much he resembled Dad. Then along the way my Mom happened to post a recent picture of my brother and I did them side by side and there is no denying the likeness. We have shared more this week then we have for a long time. 

Tomorrow is the 13 year anniversary of my Dad's journey across the bridge. I'm not the only one who still hurts. I'm not the only one who wishes for more time. I'm not the only one who still feels his love. We may be as different as night and day but we share the same grief just like twins. We just express it in different ways and continue to live very different lives. 

I just keep getting the overwhelming sensation that Dad is proud of us for not beating the pulp out of each other but sharing in the stories that formed our childhoods. I may not have been the one who was athletic and on the field at every game but I will always be Daddy's little girl. My brother reminded me of that today. He called me by my Dad's pet name for me, Sweetie. I don't let anyone else use that name and I get upset if you try but hearing it today from my brother was a gentle reminder of the love and life we shared growing up. It was a reminder that somehow my Dad has been able to tell me that he loves me. Just as I know sharing photos of Dad with my brother and letting him know how much of Dad I see him reminds him of the love Dad has for him. 

I keep living life forward but it doesn't stop the moments of what ifs. In the drop of the bucket 13 years just doesn't even make a wave. My heart is full of love and joy sharing a surprising bonding moment with my brother. Someday we will only have each other and it really helps to mend the fences of the past. My Dad has to be smiling down with joy. I love you Daddy and miss you everyday. You helped form the person I am today and I don't want to let you down! 

My Greater Self

When you long for blessings that you may not name,
and when you grieve knowing not the cause,
then indeed you are growing with all things that grow,
and rising toward your greater self.~ Khalil Gibran


Growing has happened without even noticing. Today I got all the way to Austin and didn't even realize I had left my engagement ring and wedding band behind. I still wear them on my right hand and sometimes I wear Scott's wedding band too. I didn't go nuts and I didn't freak out. I was just me. I didn't need them. They weren't required for me to keep going. 

My mind and heart were to focused on other people in my life. Thinking about, worrying about, caring about and loving others. I have grown beyond my own grief. My heart hurts for others not myself. I've been broken and I'm healing. I have found my feet and my arms to hug my friends. As I was driving my mind wanders into all kinds of thoughts. The loss of my friend from college. The silly crazy things we did as a group. 90210 as a drinking game. Socializing in the office of the Residence Hall because no one wanted to study. 

How is it when we get older life seems to change faster then when we were growing up. Life was so much simpler. There was so much less stress but now it is all about what happens to us in our everyday lives. In addition to the normal stresses it has just multiplied. I think the biggest lesson I have learned over my new travels is how important it is to stay positive and ignore the people who thrive on negativity. I've even been trying to do what always works best for me - read for understanding and not take on other's baggage.

"I’ve learned that when people initiate negativity, it is a reflection of their inner state expressed externally and you just happen to be in front of that expression. It’s not personal, so why do we take it personally? In short: Because our ego likes problems and conflict. People are often so bored and unhappy with their own lives that they want to take others down with them."

I still surround myself with my daily prayer, "Surround me with your light and love. Guide me, protect me and show me the way." Yet today for my two separate groups of friends that need prayers. I took the prayer and personalized it for them. I think the hardest part of learning to live again has been recognizing when I indeed have grown out of my own despair. I'm not so hardened to the world that I'm only focused on my own selfish needs. I know I do so much better when I can reach out and give someone a positive hand instead of allowing someone's negative BS to make my day suffer. 

I'm ready to reach out and accept the blessings in my life I have been longing to receive. I am open to accepting what ever my daily prayer gives to me but more importantly to others. We can make it and it will happen because my heart knows the power of love in the here and now. 

Laugh, Play, Live, Love

"Laugh when you can, apologize when you should and let go of what you can't change. Kiss slowly, forgive quickly, play hard, take chances, give everything, and have no regrets. Life is too short to be anything but happy." - a wall plaque in a store

If there were a day where you can't get the words out this would be one of them. I just can't understand how  life can end so quickly for so many at young ages. I have words that I just can't get out of my head, so I will list them here and see if helps. Unfair, BS, crap, sucks and most often WHY!!! I wish I could answer the question and I have a hard time accepting but I can do what I do best, believe and live forward. Today a friend from college died this morning. I don't know any details other then there are a whole bunch of people who will miss him greatly and he touched lives everyday in his job as a high school teacher and student council sponsor. The entire lives of a future generation have been touched even into his death.

How do you know when you are where you are supposed to be? You don't until after the fact. I know I was where I was supposed to be today for a friend on the phone. We always seem to be in the right place for each other. Isn't that what a part of life is about? Giving everything to someone who needs you for a few moments in a day. We all impact the lives of each other. There are many things I can't change but I work with the life I have been given and I live forward. I think about both my friends today. One who needed an ear and one who crossed the bridge.

I want to keep giving my life everything I can. I want the people in it to know they matter to me. Life doesn't always go the way we want it. We end up crawling through windows and peeking into those new open doors. I see how that happens each day for me in my choice to live forward. We reach for happiness, kindness and love. Then at some point we have fulfilled our duties on Earth and join the Heavenly Bodies to continue our lessons on another plane. My friend that passed away this morning made a difference in my life. I will always remember the laughter and fun. I'm still at a loss for words as this person had a gift of making others want to be a better person.

I'm also still amazed that I needed the depth of the phone call today before I even knew I needed it. There is a plan for each of us and it happens when we least expect it. My heart was ready to handle the news of the newest Angel in Heaven. I am still at a loss for words to describe how the events of about 45 minutes changed my attitude for the day. Treasure your friends and family. This could be your expiration date. I know I want to leave behind the love I feel in my heart without any regrets. I want to know I made someone else's day as much as they made mine. I want to know I changed a life that I mattered in my time here on Earth.

Genetics

Family is the most important thing in the world.
Princess Diana


How else do you survive without your family? There are many kinds of family. Those you are born into, those your marry into and the people you choose to claim as your family. I have a great family I was born into and them my chosen family is amazing. I am so very lucky to be surrounded by so many wonderful people in my life.

I have been looking for a photo to show Hannah for weeks now. I finally found it. The joy of multi-generational photos from years past. My Mom always talks about my paternal grandmother and how I am the image of her. Over the summer Hannah asked and I found the photo of Grandma Mary, Daddy, Great-Grandma Powers, my brother and I. I scanned it into the computer and showed her the photo. Her first comment was about me as a child! "Oh My! You look exactly the same!" It is funny how the strength of our looks continues across the years. I only hope to continue to age as gracefully as my Grandmother did. 

It was a fun moment to show Hannah her history. A history of people I love dearly that she will never know. I was ten when my Grandma Mary died and Hannah was three when her Grandpa died. Not many kids get to sit on a couch cuddled in the arms of your Great Grandmother listening to stories of days gone by and singing songs from her past. Those people are gone physically but they are still very much loved. This week will mark the 13 year anniversary of my Daddy's trip to Heaven. I look in the eyes of my daughter and wish she could have known the man I knew. I do know she is blessed to have my Mom and stepBob in her life. 

Today was a day of solitude for me. I try to do things and entertain myself. Today was about reflection and relaxation. I don't know the answers but I do know my life matters because of my family. The most important person in my life is Hannah. Without her I don't know where to go or be. Tomorrow is back to the daily grind. I keep trying to make my life in the simple tasks. It may not matter if I pulled weeds today. It may not matter if I did the laundry or not but spending time with my memories of people who helped shaped me into the person I am today was important. I may have the genes that make me look like Grandma Mary but what I remember was the kindest most gentle lady. I'm sad that I didn't get to spend more time with her like I  did my maternal Grandma. I want to be here for my daughter into her journey into the beautiful woman she is becoming. I matter to her and that keeps me going through all of the trials and tribulations.

The Small Parts of the Whole

“I long to accomplish a great and noble task, 
but it is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks 
as if they were great and noble.” 
~Helen Keller

What are you to do if you know you are doing the best you can do with the small tasks in life? Today was one of those small tasks for me that makes life worth it. Our draft is a great celebration of a man that was loved by many. It just so happened that today we made an impact on a person who made an impact on Scott. We were at Buffalo Wild Wings and a fellow patron asked about our shirts. He was the Head Coach of the football team where Scott went to HS and worked with Scott's Dad. Afterwards I spoke with him briefly and he commented on how Scott was a person so many people like to be around. I have to greatly agree. He made so many feel special but I happen to know a little better then anyone else how big his heart made all his small tasks great and noble.

Tonight I'm sitting in the dark listening to the thunder and watching the lightning. I have moved beyond the deep grief into comfortable quiet. I know I won't be able to stop the moments of longing but I am living. I live in the small moments of my life and the memories I make. I have learned to cherish life and what happens. I try not to rush into and out of the moments. Today I had a great day of activities that make my life complete. Pedi and lunch with a new friend that I enjoy spending time. While we were at lunch my beautiful daughter surprised us by accident and we were joined at our table by Mike and Hannah. It was one of those moments that makes life all the better. It is so hard to explain how priceless that hour of conversation with three wonderful people in my life brightened my day.

Now I had prepared for the day with my change of clothes for the Draft. You see we have developed a uniform. The first year the guys surprised me with t-shirts with Scott's picture on the back. I remember the tears that first year caused and the love I felt for the man who gave us a common bond. They work hard to surprise me each year with a new "party favor." This year was no exception. You see, Scott had this costume that he wore. His favorite outfit was always a t-shirt or polo shirt, jean shorts, white socks past his ankles, tennis shoes and a ball cap. So in our t-shirt and jean shorts they added ball caps to party. It was funny for me because Scott was always trying to get me to wear a cap with my hair in a pony through the back. For some reason that was the look he found "hot!" I could hear him telling me so when I put it on my head and pulled my hair into the pony. 

The amazing part of the outfit was the socks. Our closets are separate and I don't have need for his so it more of a storage spot for his stuff, luggage, sheets and such. The other day I went in to his closet to get down sheets for the housekeeper to change the linens and I noticed his sock storage tub was open. I just laughed and closed it. Why would I need to get into the storage container with his socks and such? The next night Matt sent a text and told us to make sure we remembered to wear our Scott "uniform" to the draft. I started laughing and thought I could do one better and wear his socks. I certainly can't fit into his jean shorts! I never knew a pair of socks could bring so much joy when just being silly. I'm not attached to them but it was the memories they brought back. The times when we lived in the moments of small tasks together. Sitting on the bed watching him dress for the day and teasing him about how he put his socks on his feet. Matt making fun of his ankle high socks he always wore. The comfort of routines and "traditions."

Living in the small moments are where I want to be. I know how to make it to the big picture but if you miss the small times then the big picture just doesn't matter. Take the time to laugh with a friend, enjoy a surprise encounter with your daughter and her dad, laugh, joke and yes even a few inappropriate jokes with they guys. These are the moments that make up my life. These are just a  piece of a day that forms the big puzzle of my life. A phone call on a Friday at the end of a long week that makes me smile and for an odd reason makes my heart soar, a request to hold my hand and help me through a surprise moment of sorrow, a cuddle in my bed at the end of a busy day laughing at cat videos with Hannah and even the connections across the country with friends because of that new fangled invention - the Internet. I cherish all the small stuff in my life because it makes me whole. 

Please remember that life can be gone in an instant and if you don't live in the moments that complete the day it really doesn't matter in the end. I know I want the review of my life to matter because I stopped to smell the roses one last time and found the details in the petals are what made it greater beauty. 

The Calm After The Storm

"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."

Louis L'Amour

This week has been an emotional mess for me. I've been reading this amazing book entitled 'Transcending Loss.' It talks about the process of moving on from immediate grief into living a life that is forever changed by the loss of your loved one from our realm of existence. The author explains that we never "get over" the death of someone we love but we learn to assimilate into our new lives loving in a new way. This process starts at the two year mark and continues on indefinitely. If you are in a healthy grieving process you are able to step forward into your life and be functional. I'm not saying you won't have moments to step back into a grief cycle but life is different then it was before or how you thought it would be.  

The above quote gives me hope because it makes a connection for me to the book I'm trying to read. Just when others think I'm getting over it or not getting over it, I'm just learning it is the beginning of living my life loving Scott in a new way. I will never stop loving him but our physical life together and his death made me the person I am today. I'm happy with who I am. I may not be the skinny girl I was at 23 but I'm happy with myself. I may miss the physical existence of Scott but that doesn't mean I'm miserable. I do miss being hugged and touched but well after two and a half years I think I might have forgotten how to ride that bicycle. I do know I haven't forgotten how to love. 

When I got home this evening I sat in the driveway in what turned out to be a 'grief hit you in the face' moment. It has been a tough week with work stress, ear infection and MS ups/downs. I sat there sobbing when it dawned on me why! Tomorrow is the draft in Texas Gridiron Scott K commemorative league. It matters to me and it matters to the guys. We do this because we all love him and miss him. His death, however, didn't mean the end of our living. Each year we celebrate our friendships in our new teams - a new beginning. Maybe this year I will win. 

So as I sat in the drive I texted my sister friend who just so happens to have just finished her training in hypnosis as a licensed counselor. I thank her husband and kids for letting me borrow her tonight  She has wanted to gain some more practice and today seemed like the perfect chance. I am so open to the life experiences and the feelings from the other side of the bridge in my daily intuitions that I was willing to try especially if it calmed my emotions. I felt the connection. I heard the words. I heard our code words. I heard him. Stronger then normal. I feel him. Not all the time. I'm not obsessed, just more of 'hi honey, how's your day?' kind of feeling. Tonight was powerful and answered a question I didn't know I had. I could hear him say "You did it for me!," along with a few other things. 

I'm not afraid of loving someone else. I have been but I know myself and I know I'm not really looking. I don't need to. A relationship doesn't make me complete, it's would just be a nice benefit to have a bad week and share your craziness with someone who loves you enough to listen but doesn't judge. I know my story of this stage in my life is just beginning. I know I will always remember April 4, 2010 with tears and sadness but that time doesn't get to win. I was told today that I have this inner glow of peace which makes me beautiful. I may not be model thin and athletic but my heart has the capacity to keep loving and living. So tonight let's all raise our glass in a toast to new beginnings, whatever they may be. 

And if you can say a few prayers to drafting a winning team this year it might be helpful too!

Life is Fleeting

There are good moments and bad moments that take your breath away. I just happen to spend more time on the good moments most days. I know I vented yesterday because I had a rough day to begin with and I was at a point where I backed away from the world and I was finally a bit better. I guess you could say I put myself into time out. I had to deal with a few pea sized brains today but all in all the end of the day was certainly better then the day before. I perked myself up. I got myself to a point that I felt better and I talked about what was bothering me to the person that unintentionally upset me (I'm at fault too!!).

I know there will forever be things that pop up that remind me of Scott. I can deal with those things, junk mail, a song, a smell, a Texas country boy phrase. I really am happy again. I really do flirt with Tim on the phone and via texts he just doesn't interest me from a dating standpoint. I can never have enough friends!!! Even today Rhonda and I were talking about what would make me feel better. The good or bad thing, however you look at it, is that I'm not a party girl so it will take the right person for me to reach that point.

When I got home tonight I sat with Hannah and we talked about her day. I'm very proud of her. She got commended on all four of her TAKS tests with a perfect score on the Science exam. That also means she will not have to take her finals so she has one more day of the school year left. She is so very grown up. We talked about 9/11 and how it effected our lives on the day. I told her what I was doing and where she was. She had tears in her eyes as she described the movie they watched in history today. She told me it was so sad to watch but she felt a great sense of pride in learning all the facts she was to young to know at the time. I'm so glad she has that great big heart!

As I was sitting on her bed the doorbell rang. It was her Dad for her usual Thursday night dinner. Most of the time they go alone but sometimes I go along. I was going tonight just because I like spending time with Hannah as her Mom and Dad. She knows how much we love her and we get to give her the knowledge that we love her enough to focus on her. As I went to answer the door I grabbed yesterday's mail off the bar. We all went back into Hannah's room and as we were talking I sorted and opened the junk mail. Not a single bill - but that mammogram notice made me cringe. I flipped over an envelope that looked official for Scott, not just the usual junk I can toss, so I opened it. Zap no you can't be happy because you have to read this. It was like I had been dropped on my head and rolled over with a bulldozer. Hannah took it from me and read it. She got quiet and didn't know what to say. I handed it to Mike. He started to not return it but I took it back from him and snapped the picture. I'm not sure why. I guess because it was so strange.

I'm glad I did because posting it on FB gave me an outlet. I know from living through all of this, without dealing with my baggage it just keeps growing and weighing me down. The end result was a dear friend knowing how to fix it without me calling, screaming, yelling or needing to hide in my bed. I thank her very much for being the right person to see it. I also thank my other friends for feeling for me. I was numb. I didn't know what emotion I was supposed to have. Now the Sirrus envelope addressed to Scott telling him they could help him "be live again" was just too much because if they can do that I would pay all the rest of my checks. Although, now that I think about it, isn't the music how Scott communicates with me the most. Maybe I do need to hear that message, no matter how painful.

I am proud of myself for not being so fragile anymore. I do know one major way I have changed. My friend that upset me yesterday (yes I'm at fault too) we talked. I'm better but I am afraid to be mad at people I care about now. I'm afraid to lose anyone else because I allow my mad feelings to take me away to thinking I will have someone else leave me. I don't know how I feel about being so different. It makes me almost afraid to speak my mind because of how upset I got with Scott and then he died. I always have to go back to his final words to me, "It's okay! I love you!" So I have to know it is okay to not see eye to eye with someone I care about. It is good for me to say we can still be hurt or upset by others but "It's okay! I love you!" should be said to everyone we care about. The thing Scott always new and understood was I'm like the weather in TX, give me a minute and I'll be all bright and sunny again.

Life is fleeting. There is no reason to walk around grumpy or angry. I will fix what I can in my life and keep living forward. Now if there is a way to have Scott take the job he was sent a flyer about in yesterday's mail, make up to 90,000 a year,  bring it on. He isn't so expensive these days - the bill for toilet paper alone now pays the water bill!

Angry at Batman!!!

My anger has reared it's ugly head. I've gone through an entire grief cycle tonight all because of a stupid comment made by someone I care about. I really wish I could live my life without my heart. To not need anyone but that's not who I am. Why do I let myself feel again? Why can't I just be numb? 

 I've had a rough day to begin with. Getting up at 4 am to go to a meeting to be blamed for everything that is wrong with the budget in my facility. That required driving two hours to meet my boss and two others, then driving another two hours to get where we were going for a two hour meeting, followed by reversing the process to get home. That all equals a rough day with a conversation thrown into the mix that made me question so much again.  I got home and sat in the driveway crying. I haven't done that for months.

I tried to bury myself in my room but my phone had a mind of its own. Then all the rest of the emotions started. Now I am angry and I can't take it out on the right person so I'm back to Scott. He's been here all day. I can feel him. This morning in the early morning light of the bathroom I swear I saw him. Tonight I cried several times watching idol. You wouldn't believe multiple times were over commercials. Darn Batman!!! Our things keep popping up.  Now I'm angry and I found myself starting to take it out on Hannah because she is trying to cook and is just making a mess. I had to leave the room.

I'm sitting here cursing Scott for leaving our not so perfect life. If I had a wild side I can see how it would be possible to try to lose yourself in all the bad stuff. Is it so bad to think I'm worth it? Maybe I do just need to finish the upgrades to the house so when H graduates I can move. I hear she is touring Missouri State in June. I could really move home to a place where my world could just start over. I feel like I'm never given a say in my life. I don't get what I want. I'm not sure I have the patience to wait.  So H is with her Dad tomorrow evening, maybe it is time to give Tim a chance. Maybe there is a possibility that talking on the phone isn't his thing. Or maybe tonight I have to much baggage and to many open wounds to make an informed decision. Maybe I'm into exhaustion. When I'm tired or hungry I'm not the most rational person.

 I just wish my heart didn't hurt so bad because of such a jumble of things that happened today. Why don't I get to be happy the way I want t be. I'm not a person who enjoys being miserable. I generally try to keep my smile going. I just need someone to hug me and hold me and tell me I'm worth it!!!

Princess Pin-Up Girl

Once again I haven't blogged for a while. It just seems like I'm never sure what to say and then I end up in a rut with repeating myself. So I will tell you about the latest journey that no matter the outcome of the photographs it made me feel better about myself! I needed a big dose of that.

There is thing that happens when you lose your "mate." Well, at least for me it did. After Scott died I lost weight and lost weight because eating made me sick. It was stress and nerves. Somewhere in the mix of the last two years I have figured out how to eat. The sad part is I don't eat very healthy because I have developed what seems to me to be an eating disorder. I can go for long periods of time and not eat but then when I'm hungry I crave only my comfort foods. I have always been a very picky eater but it just keeps getting worse. I would live on cereal bars, water, chocolate cupcakes and Mexican food if anyone would let me. I have gained all the weight back. I still can't go to the grocery store and if I do cook I won't eat it after I've fixed it. Sounds like I need to call in my friendly dietitician friends. So in all of this I'm fighting my body image. I miss being told I'm cute and beautiful. I just don't feel it anymore. I know my self worth isn't based on what other's think of me but when the person you love (besides your kids and parents) is gone so quickly the world shifts into this unknown twilight zone. I know sometimes I don't make the most sense but this is my reality.

So let me get beyond my own grief once again into my journey of trying to live forward. Several months ago there was a segment on our local news that caught my eye. I don't watch the news! I can't stand it! I think it is the root of all that is wrong with our world today (enough of my political thoughts). So I for me to stop and purposely watch the news I felt I had a message to hear. It just happened to be about a Pin-up Portrait Studio in Killeen, TX. For my friends not close it is where Ft. Hood Army Base is located. The news story was amazing. Sharing about woman who choose to look glamorous for a variety of different reasons. At that moment all I could think about was Scott. He would have loved to see me do something like that for him. I don't have that option anymore. I don't have a guy in my life who would love for me to give them a gift of myself. I made the decision to do this for myself.

I have become a different, stronger, more able person. I have had a week that I have had to take care of myself. I bought four new tires for my car (with a bit of help from Mike). I dealt with my minor car accident without panic and reinstalled my poor sad license plate all by myself - it was the only thing damaged on my car. I also came home to the frozen a/c unit. I wanted to sit in the floor and cry but I didn't. I went into action and fixed the frozen a/c all by my lonesome. I found where ants are coming into my living room and I caulked around a window at midnight last night with my beautiful manicure at risk. I am living forward. I can take care of myself. I don't require a man to take care of me. What I do need is my best friend, my love, my life partner to enjoy life with me.

The photo shoot became even more strongly communicated when she started doing Disney Princess Pin Ups. Now we all know I am BriarRose. I could feel the pull from Scott urging me to do this for me. I talked to the girls at work about going with me. They do party packages and what a better way to have fun! Everyone said no except for my friend, Lacie. So I made the appointment and got the ball rolling. Today was the day we picked several weeks ago. During this time the pictures the photographer has been doing for other gals in their Disney costumes began appearing.

I found what I wanted to wear or so I thought. The first dress didn't work for me. Being well endowed is not easy but you work with what you got. I sent the dress back and found a new one. It was perfect. Add a white apron and I looked like Aurora went back to the forest to be a princess in her Briar Rose persona! So this morning we made the journey to Killeen. We had our hair and makeup done professionally. I wore my wedding tiara for the very first time. I knew it was the right thing to do. I got to be a princess today, just the grown up version. I got to feel sexy and confident. I am wearing false eyelashes for the very first time!! I have the West Side Story song going through my head - "I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!"

I made it back to the band banquet in time for the awards. I loved the look on Hannah's face when she saw my face. She keeps telling me how cute I look. Maybe now I can find my a way to continue my self-confidence. I'm home now alone in my kitty filled world watching television on the DVR but I'm still in full make up. The tiara is off but I know I can't and won't be this way forever. I have to keep living forward. Now it will be up to fourteen days before the photo's arrive but I will think about sharing! I'm not sure yet. Now if they would entice a few broken rules it might be worth it - someday! For now you will just have to settle for the after effects that made it to the pictures at the band banquet!!

No Games

“The heart is the inner face of your life. 
The human journey strives to make this inner face beautiful. 
It is here that love gathers within you. 
Love is absolutely vital for a human life. 
For love alone can awaken what is divine within you. 
In love, you grow and come home to your self. 
When you learn to love and let yourself be loved, 
you come home to the hearth of your own spirit.
You are warm and sheltered.” 
~ John O'Donohue


Words are stuck again. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry with myself for letting my heart think its ok to live again. When I do I end up sad and regretting things I can't change. With Scott I always knew where I stood. He never hid his feelings for me. He tried in front of others but they always knew. People still remind me how much he loves me. I miss that special feeling. I miss having someone who looks at me and the world is right. I should say I miss someone who admits I matter to them. 

The girls at work have been giving me a hard time. They keep saying I should just give in and at least go out with Disney Dissing Dude. "you have to try to get to the right one!" Well that has never been my personality. It just seems like I know when I enjoy being around someone. Tim, yes he has a name, thinks we have the perfect connection because our kids are the same age. He texts and I answer. He calls I don't answer. He has now asked me out eleven times. I keep saying no. I hate hurting other peoples feelings but if we can't be friends first, why should I get someone else's hopes up. You know I have lots of friends that are guys. I enjoy hanging out with them. Scott's friends are my brothers now, my protectors. 

There are two or three of my guy friends (not Scott's buddies) who are single that I would gladly spend more time with. I'd have to move for two of them but that's not where my life is right now. Just having someone around that can share the guy point of view without romantic involvement would be great. Tim, keeps telling me I'm a good catch. I don't want to be caught. I'm not running a marathon to dating. I don't know if marriage will ever be right but I'm tired of people assuming things. It is okay for me to still have my crush. It is okay to "just be friends" even when the other person makes you confused. I am who I am. I'm not willing to play games or bend who I am or where I am. 

Two years is a long time but my heart still hurts. My mind still swarms with memories of what happiness feels like. Two years ago we were supposed to meet friends at the Japanese steakhouse. We missed them but we still had a great time together. Scott was my best friend. He understood when I needed to laugh. It is okay for someone else to make me laugh. It doesn't hurt. I doesn't make me sad. It is okay to miss your friends, male and female. I'm not ready for more then that because the thought of holding hands or kissing someone else makes me run. My heart wants those things but it still hurts. I can't put myself there yet because I am not in a position to handle rejection. I can't play games. I won't play games. I've learned to much about love and when done right has the power to make you soar.

I have plans for the next few days. There are some who know but I'm not ready to share with everyone just yet. This year I'm still fighting my tears. When I need to I manage my sadness with my meds. I know that I have to celebrate Scott. So he and I have plans. My sweet Angel is never far away when I need him. I tried to make plans alone but because I have great friends in my life who don't think that's the best idea. Yes, I will be kept busy and with just the thing Scott would have loved to do. Another point on our bucket list. 

Tonight I'm comforted with my memories. The person I asked to tell me something funny fell down on the job today. That's ok we all have our lives to live. I have to keep growing on my own before I can learn to soar again. Surround me with you light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way.