God is my Pilot

I haven't written for a few days to find my voice in my head again. I have been on a numb spell again. Tonight I got the mail from the mailbox and well let's just say that I really wanted to beat my head against a brick wall. I don't understand why some people do the things they do and pretend like they know something. I know I have all the required paperwork and I will make it right. Scott and I promised each other two years ago after I almost died that if something ever happened to one of us the other would make sure the girls were taken care of and that they would know the love we had for them. I promised that to Scott just as he promised me. I should have died but it wasn't my time. Apparently I get to live up to my promise to him. Even if it means I really want to throw the bricks from the wall at someone. He would have. It was my job to calm him down but then again he always calmed me down too. A true partnership.

I was pondering this on the drive home today. I had the perfect love that books are written about and people dream. I now feel like I have lived my life. As I was having these thoughts the radio started it's thing again and I was told to live life to the fullest. He is rally amazing and when I say that I mean God and Scott. Scott lives in his light now how can he be anything less. I'm doing what I have to do for Hannah and Laynie because I promised. Not today but someday we will get our Heaven together.

One of my friends from college wrote this as his status earlier, "Thank you Lord for Your love, guidance and forgiveness" I am strapped in and ready to ride with You as my pilot!" My comment was, "I live those words daily" I also pray for patience to listen for His guidance." So when I feel like throwing those bricks I pray for guidance and let God be my pilot.

I know I have talents, brains and common sense to find the correct path to honor Scott's memory for not only myself but Laynie, Hannah, his friends and his family. He didn't belong to me, he was his own person but we shared a special love that transcends all. If I had my way he would still be here with us all physically. We would still be fighting forward to make the best life for our girls, we would be doing the mundane boring household chores, we would be holding hands and sharing our love with others. I didn't get a say in his time to be with God. His Heaven is not only me but the girls, football and many others. So tonight I find the numbness has moved over for the onslaught of tears once again. I miss him with all my heart but I'm not alone. I have an amazing support system that will give me strength to fulfill my promise to My Love. To infinity and beyond!

Grey's

Tonight I sat and watched Grey's Anatomy. It was a hard thing to do because they were all suffering from PTSD. I can relate. I can understand. The last little monologue from Meredith had a part about change being the only constant in our lives and learning to envelope the change is a rebirth. I'm paraphrasing mind you because my photographic memory was off trying to digest the show.

I think I'm trying to embrace the change and learn to be reborn in my life without Scott. I don't like it but I'm trying. Now I'm sitting here watching Private Practice and they are standing viewing Dell's headstone talking about how they can't believe he is dead while viewing the headstone. Oh the chores to do after the loss of someone you love.

I'm not ready for all the chores but it is okay to continue to say not today but someday. I shared that in my grief support group yesterday when we were talking about getting through each day. Fr. Brad agreed as did the rest of the group. One day at a time. I'm still walking forward but I'm not sure how to get it all done so it is one task at a time.

Today I cut my hair off. It was long because that was what Scott wanted for the wedding. I made another step today. I made it, wasn't sure while I was doing it but I made. He would love it. He loved it when I took the time to care for myself. I didn't always take the time but he made sure I felt good about myself. I miss him so very much. I continue to pray each day, have hundreds of tears and panic attacks but I' trying. It's not my time my expiration date isn't visible to me even if I wish for it so for now I stop wishing and try to accept the change that his physical self isn't here. I still look in the cab of every White Tundra that drives by but well you know the answer as well as I do.

Don't feel like it

I don't feel like doing much of anything. I'm don't even feel like writing. I keep moving though because well it is what life is about. I can't stop moving even if I try. So I just keep moving.

"In attending to the mysteries of life and death, I will listen for a chuckle in the darkness."

I love this thought. I love thinking that Scott will keep giving me laughter and smiles. I keep finding things that make me know he is still here and supporting me. When I was sad or upset he always figured out how to make me smile. The day he died he was making me smile. I was worried about him and he still made me smile.

I have a new job. Well that new job is growing. Scott is watching out for me. I have faith in God, Scott and myself. I'm tired and my panic has been there but I will keep moving forward. Next week I face the largest challenge to date - six months without Scott. I will be spending it where Scott and I spent the happiest moment of our relationship. He will be there because he loves me and he will put me in the hands of some of the best friends I could ask for. I will make this step and conquer the biggest milestone - six months.

I'm not in the mood to write today so I will let it rest tonight. Maybe someday I can figure out how to sleep!

My Boring life

I feel so boring. Who wants to keep reading about a sad lonely women with nothing to talk about but dealing with grief. I know there are some out there who think I should be beyond where I am but I'm still taking it one step at a time. This is a great spot for me to reflect and try to get into a little bit better place. Some nights I think why bother anymore but them I remember that it makes me feel better.

Today I did what I still do best - sat around in my jammies! I don't start my new job for for two weeks so I'm going to do what I can when I can and continue to make it forward. I dropped off and picked Hannah up from school today. Tonight I expanded my wings and made another step forward. I ate BBQ. This was a huge step to actually go into the restaurant. I did it but I'm not planning on making it a regular practice.

The reason I ended up in this BBQ place is because I was asked to join a bunco group by a friend who is my friend because of Scott. I love how much support continues to be around me because of Scott. Scott was my social life, we didn't do to many things apart. Partners in crime that was us! So now I'm making a new step and learning how to have a life without his physical presence.

I came home and was browsing fantasy football stuff when I needed a piece of paper. I went into the office to the Scott's desk and picked up his spiral. In it is all of his financial stuff where he wrote what needed to be paid and checked it off. April sits unchecked. It will forever be unchecked. I flipped through that notebook and discovered another reason he tells me he loves me and that I was his life forever. I won't bore you with the details but I love finding reminders of how much love we share. The tears are still here each day as I walk this walk.

I have steps to keep taking and places I have to be but I'm still learning. This isn't an overnight experience. I wish we were still in Victorian times where you had detailed instructions on bereavement but then if we were Scott would have died long ago because we didn't have the medicines for seizures. Then again he may have lived because there weren't cars. See there are two sides to every wish! I will find a day that maybe I can understand where I am - not today but someday. I have discovered that someday will always be there as long as I'm alive in human form. It is good to keep saying not today but someday because that means I have hope to continue having tomorrows!

Making it to the future one step at a time.

Last night was full of dreams. Dreams of Scott. He visited last night. We had a very precious conversation. He told me things that only he and I know. Those visits are real. He his in my life and he loves me. He continues to fulfill that promise. I have tears running down my face because the pain of not having him sitting here next to me is very real. I do things and go places but I'm still in pain that hasn't faded.

I find comfort today in this passage from my grief meditation book

"Watch your way then, as a cautious traveller; and don't be gazing at that mountain or river in the distance, and saying, "How shall I ever get over them?" but keep to the present little inch that is before you, and accomplish that in the little moment that belongs to it. The mountain and the river can only be passed in the same way; and, when you come to them, you will come to the light and strength that belong to them." - M.A. Kelty

I'm not spending time worrying about what is to happen and how to get past the hurdles that are before me but to live each day as a gift. Each day I had with Scott was a precious gift that will never to be repeated. He tells me how much he still loves me in my dream visits and all the other things that are meaningful to us both. I am making it each day. I have worries about little things in life but they aren't controlling me. I am taking care of multiple things and trying not to stress because I have such support and guidance.

Today as I'm feeling the panic, I sit alone trying to make it clear. I know what the triggers are mostly and I am learning how to get through them. I'm not going to let the worries control me. I am reaching out to continue my grieving process and know when it is okay for me to stop and take a break from life. It will be ok because Scott loves me as do so many other people in my life.

I live in the present, try to make simple plans for the future and know the love from it all will be there to infinity and beyond. I will always have the pain but I will get to a point where I'm the only person who knows the depth of the pain that has changed me forever.

Piles of Lemons

I haven't written for the last few days because of the lemons that piled upon me but you see I have lots of friends that helped me make lemonade! The world of employment and being loyal and productive mean nothing when the people you worked for have no common sense or business sense. I am very fortunate to be well educated and as I have had to ask for reassurance this weekend that I am a good Speech Language Pathologist and Rehab Director. My self confidence is shaken but I keep one foot in front of the other.

I have to say I have very wonderful friends and colleagues that care about me. People that support me and help me to walk through this path. I don't know what I would have done otherwise. I had some very dark moments but I made it. I reached out and got my horrid emotions out of my head. On Thursday morning it was very foggy as I went to work. As I reached the end of the neighborhood I turned left onto the main road. If I would have gone straight under the overpass I would have headed out to where Scott died. Turning right lead me to work. It was all I could do not to go out and be with Scott forever. That is when I said not today but someday and made the right turn.

I've made it through another ordeal. I'm not as strong as others see me but I get through my pain and walk. I still am in great pain but I must be so much better at hiding it from everyone. Someone said to me the other day she can tell I'm getting better because my posts are less about my pain and more about my activities. The people who love me are surrounding me keep me going. Keep me living. I'm am walking through life and I know Scott is still with me.

Last night was Midway Homecoming. It was so much fun to see Hannah and her friends in the joy of a new experience in life. I met her "date" and his mother. I was once again Mammarazzi. I have all these new moments in life captured on film and I can't even look at the photos of the last three years. Once again last night we sat in our seats in Panther Stadium. The seat next to me was once again "empty." Pamela said that to me but we both looked at the seat and said it's not empty it is Scott. He is with us. Mike and Pamela feel it too when we are together.

I will survive with the love of my family and friends. I will make it to a place that is easier to make it to the someday. There won't always be a someday. That someday will come that will be my time to be in our joyous heaven with Scott. He will greet me with his love that will complete his promise to me of infinity and beyond.

I love you all so very much. Thank you for protecting me and guiding me through each today.

Headaches

I have a headache. There are things happening that I choose not to share right now because ever the optimist I'm hoping that they work themselves out for the best!

I can't stand that Scott is gone. I miss laying in bed, holding hands, snuggling and talking about our day. I miss his voice, his crazy nose snorting, football lectures, being my helpmate and partner. I miss my other half. I'm not happy but I can fake it. I've been crying off and on today and mostly when others don't see me.

Yesterday I read an article on Yahoo about grieving and what people do. I can relate to all those very things. I understand. It makes sense. I want to hang on to him forever. And right now that is where I am. He isn't his stuff but his stuff let's me have instant memories. It's not just his stuff it is the way the furniture is arranged in our bedroom, the bags of fertilizer in the garage, the fantasy football league and even more things I can't even keep listing.

I'm so very tired and I need a break. I need a retreat from life. The six month mark is making it harder to get through but I will get there because I keep facing life and making it one step at a time. I'm not ignoring my feelings. I'm not drowning them in drugs or alcohol. I'm reaching out for my friends and family to help me. I'm sharing and talking through what happens. I know I'm surrounded by Scott's love. He's given me a life I only imagined. Now it would be perfect if he was here in physical form and not just in spiritually.

I cleaned something!

Tonight was another night of parental duties. Driving to evening band practice, band backer meeting and somewhere in there squeezing in dinner. We need to go to the grocery store so we have been bad at eating. I can't get to the store so I have to schedule my time when Hannah can be there with me. Tonight this is not possible but I did have an hour at home alone and I did something.

I cleaned and sorted. No it wasn't in my craft room, it wasn't in Scott's closet but the pile of my mail that needed to be sorted into the file pile or shred pile. This stack has not been touched except to land it from my kitchen table to the sideboard since Scott's passing. I took the stack and sat on the floor in the living room and opened and well just made smaller stacks. I can't explain how very difficult it is to do stuff like this. I didn't touch Scott's mail pile. I've only been able to pull out the things that must be taken care of or the junk mail.

I'm still not sure what I'm doing or how I'm making it most days. Today was very much an introverted day for me. I can hide within myself very easily and feel as if I'm completely alone. On those days I'd like to go all day without setting eyes on anyone else. It doesn't work but that is how I feel. I can be in room full of people and feel as if I'm not really there. My pain is just that. I am trying to get all of this under control.

So I'm sitting here watching Ghost Adventures on the Travel Channel. I'm so very intrigued by this show. Oh my gosh I just used a Scott word. I don't like shows like this normally. I don't like being scared because well it is another surprise just not the good kind. I'm not ready for him to be anywhere else but here. I need to know how very much he still loves me. I need to tell him how very much I love him. I feel like I'm loosing him that my life is moving on into all these new activities and I just want to go back to April. It feels like yesterday but then I look at the calendar and it dawns on me it is 5.5 months. I am alive but I'm still not really living. I don't know what living is right now. Not today but someday I might know what living means again.

Monday Madness

Today was really busy but that seems to be my life these days. I had a follow up appointment at my MD today for all my stuff. My favorite nurse was missing and I learned that her sister had committed suicide. I can't take the world. My doctor and I talked a bunch about making sure your life is in order but not for that purpose. I have the purpose to make sure my life is in order for my daughter if something happens to me. It seems to be my singular goal right now is to finish the stuff for Scott and then know that someone knows how my stuff should be dealt with.

Just for the record. I will be buried right next to Scott. Can I say that any clearer. I'm not planning on using it anytime soon but it is there for me. Bought and paid for. Redundant to say but yes. It will just be a place for our bodies because our souls will never be apart.

Today I read this from my favorite book:


"Who sees Me in all,
And sees all in Me,
For him I am not lost,
And he is not lost for Me." - Bhagavad Gita

It says so very much to me. God and Scott know me. Hannah knows me and I will make sure she knows what to do for me when it is my time. I urge you to do the same for your family. You know those you can count on in times of need or crisis. Help those people know what to do when you are in your Heaven. I know for Scott because we matching sides. We may have some differences but I said something to Scott's sister a few weeks ago and she said to me, "Oh my God, you sound just like Scott!" I promise we didn't always agree on everything but that connection is there.

I get the places where I function but it doesn't stop the pain when new things happen to other good people in life. The world needs to slow down or at least tell me if we are really meant to end soon. I want to know my expiration date. I really hate surprises but I know Scott will greet me with a big kiss and show me our heaven. Just not today, but someday. For now I survive the grief when I'm hit with it again and again and when I least expect it to be there.

Now let's cheer for my beloved Chiefs! This game I can watch without a panic attack! I hate being so unpredictable.

The Football Spirit

Today was quiet and relaxing. I didn't sleep all day and was up before noon. We didn't do much and I turned football on for all of 10 minutes but I tracked online Scott's Fantasy Team all day. We won the first match up of the season. It wasn't perfect and not a lot of scoring but we still have two players left to play. It was funny because a few times today I was trying to do other things (FRONTIERVILLE) and I felt like I was being nudged to check the scores.

I had the Cowboys game on for all of 10 minutes because I can't handle the excitement it was sending me into panic mode. Strange so I decided I didn't have to have the game on for my ghost because he could go stand on the field and watch if he wanted while I had the power of the remote.

I'm really amazed at myself today. I'm amazed that I am learning to control the panic triggers and walk away from them when they happen. I know sometimes I don't always have the control but I can and will continue to conquer what I am able to do. I have things I am working towards and goals I need to achieve but I use my mantra from Betsy - "Not today but someday!"

Today I conquered fantasy football. That is a huge event in our house. Lots of hours of time spent on this hobby. I enjoyed the bits I did participate in before but I could also let him have his hobby with his buddies. Now I'm there but I'm here because I love him to infinity and beyond and know his love will always be with me. Honoring his spirit with his friends is a great gift from me to him and I know he feels the love as he projects it back to us.

More Football

I didn't write last night because I was exhausted after Friday Night Lights Band Season. I feel like I am training for a marathon in parenting. I made it through the wild and crazy day. Last night I added to my duties because of band backers volunteering. I helped feed the kids before the away game. We made it to a fantastic game. I sat in the stands and at first I felt all alone surrounded by thousands of people, my parents included. I didn't feel Scott and hadn't for a few hours. I said I know you aren't here and you know this game is going to be good so where are you? Suddenly just this immense peace came over me and I felt love. I didn't feel alone anymore.

The game was great and very thrilling. My voice was hoarse and tired when we made it home. I collapsed into bed and got up this morning bright and early. No rest today for me. I didn't get to hide in bed. Hannah had plans for us. I made it to Michael's to get her supplies for her dates garter for Homecoming next Friday. The band director told them if they were bringing a date they would have to introduce them to 'dad' if they weren't part of the band. The girls are so funny because they have dates with other band members so they don't have to introduce to Mr. Brown.

Today I was pulled to wear Scott's traditional Saturday Football season garb. I went into his closet and pulled out the Mickey/UT shirt we had bought in Florida for him in March. He loved this shirt. We looked hard for this shirt on all three trips we had together. They never had one in his size and we did find one. He was so much like a kid in a candy store. I miss that the most. He was so full of life, love and happiness. We had a great life together. Tomorrow I'm supposed to wear a Cowboys t-shirt. I don't know maybe I will just stay in my PJ's.

Hannah and I went next to have mani/pedi time. It was so great to just hang out and pamper ourselves. Ahh relaxation but as always it wasn't long enough. Then it was time for the garter making party with six of her friends. I had been thinking about Scott all day but during the party I was so focused on helping the girls I didn't think of him nearly as much. I did still think of him but it was he wouldn't have been there but he would have been proud of her. I also kept thinking I will be alone at homecoming and he had asked me to be his date forever. Oh I love you so very much Scott.

I thought today about how the love we have wasn't perfect but it was amazing. There will never be another love for me like that and I'm really okay with it because we had five years of wonderful times together. Last night on the way to the football game we could have driven the back way but that would have taken us past where he died and I can't do that. I can't and won't. I'm stomping my feet and refusing to ever go that way again. I know he is with me and I have to live the trauma in my own mind but I'm not going to put myself in that situation. I don't even feel drawn that way. It as if there is a barrier in the road that I can't cross. Like he has put up a force shield to keep me from ever going that way. He did love his Star Wars and Star Trek. I'm sure he can do whatever he sets his mind too. He did here in the life. I laugh because he wasn't always very good at what he did but he was always trying and wasn't afraid to ask questions to get it to work. I know that persistence is present in his afterlife too. That energy surrounds me and he will continue to find a way to be here with me until it is my time to be with him again.

Now maybe I should have a good sleep tomorrow. I feel there will be multiple naps in my day.

Wishing Well

Tonight was the opening night of the NFL. Scott died before he even knew what the schedule was going to be but I know he is watching. Hey I bet he is standing on the turf with the guys on the field. We used to talk about things we would do after we died. He would say he was going to stand on the field and watch the game from the best seat in the house. I on the other hand couldn't turn the game on tonight but I did log onto the computer and checked out the scores. Not much happening on my team yet but I will look on Sunday.

I instead watched a movie on the Hallmark channel, "Wishing Well." I want that wishing well. I want to change a few things in my life. Is that really asking too much? I am organized person who hates secrets. This was the worst secret of my life. I don't think I will now ever be able to handle surprises. I didn't tolerate them well before but now nada! I put somethings away in the firesafe last night and I looked at the receipt for my ring. I have seen it before but I didn't pay much attention to the purchase date before or I don't remember. He bought my ring a month to the day before he proposed. He kept a surprise from me and I love that surprise.

In the middle of watching the movie I hear, "we need a new cartridge for the printer. Did you pick one up earlier?" Well you can guess I didn't so there I went to Wal-mart at 9 at night. I got in there and got to the printer cartridges but I almost got stuck in the store. I stood in the back walked through the movies and started to have a panic attack. I got through it. I made it to the front of the store. ToyStory 2 set me off. I got Scott the movie for Christmas. He loved watching it and I can't find it. It was here after he died and now it's gone. ToyStory is on the shelf but not two. I started to feel the store spinning and struggled to get my feet moving. I walked as fast as I could to the self checkout and had to wait for the strange man in front of me.

I did it. I got back to the car and turned it on and yes you guessed it - music from Scott. I cried all the way home. I started today horribly sad after yesterday. I don't think I slept well last night but I made it today. I got lost in my work and solved a few more estate problems. I can't do it all at once but I'm amazed at how much persistence and patience it takes to get all the little details wrapped up. I have his guidance because I couldn't have done this without the hand of God and the love of Scott.

Today's meditation:

"There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love the only survival the only meaning." - Thornton Wilder

I hold that passage close to my heart. I know love knows no boundaries and keeps us bridge together. That bridge will be there when it is my time to cross but for now the light and love fills my heart. My wish will come true someday.

A Hard Day's Night

How do I even begin to start today's entry. I can't even find the words to explain all the emotions and events of the day. I will try. I may ramble but I will try. So yesterday Hannah drove up the driveway without incident. Well that turns out to be not so true. My car has this feature we have been unable to repeat when we try and it happens sporadically. It rolls down the windows when you push the key clicker pad in a certain order. Somehow that managed to happen last night and well we have had torrential downpours since yesterday. So at 6:30 am when I went out to take her to school the car was a bit wet. It took me a minute to figure out in the dark that the windows were cracked about an inch. So the inside of my car got an accidental bath. Not the worse thing that can happen in a day but just wait before you pass judgement.

I get to work eventually and find out three of our nursing staff members have had car accidents this morning. Not so bad because they were all okay. Then I received some other news. Our Activity Director's husband had a stroke last week. We have all been praying for them in their time of need. Today he was non responsive and didn't have much longer to be here. I felt the need to be there for her. We bundled up his sister from the nursing home and took her to see her brother. Several of the department heads were there for the family. About 20 minutes after we arrived he passed on. The room was very peaceful when he died. I could feel the love surrounding the family from above. God is shining his light on this glorious family as they know begin their journey to a new place.

I can't begin to explain how this stretched my heart today. I felt his energy in the room in a different spot then at the bed. He was there. His spirit was there and then the peace settled upon the room. I was overwhelmed with my own feelings but at the same time knew I needed to be there for her. This brings me to my own pain. He was surrounded by his family but I will forever be trying to comprehend Scott dying alone in his truck submerged in a pond. I would have loved to have been able to live into an old age and be at his bedside and tell him how much I love him as he went to be with God. I knew he was gone that evening. I sat just telling him how much I loved him and that I needed to know where he was. My prayers were answered when we found him. He knows my love for him will never end but I have to continue to work through my own human flaws.

I then sat at a lunch with my staff with some really great marketers from a home health. I'm not sure I was there. I'm not sure I know how I got through lunch other then the fantastic company I was with. I wouldn't make it through each day without them. Crazy and wild they keep me grounded in the daily mundane and the wild antics.

Yes I made it through the afternoon and it was time to attend a new grief support group at one of the Episcopal Churches. I survived and I think it will be very helpful and guide me to the right place that I continue to work towards. This journey has no guidelines, time frames or sameness for everyone who has, is or will ever travel this path. I will embrace what I need from this group and hope to help another even if I never know how much my path gave another hope.

With that I continued my journey for the day to pick up Hannah and take her to our church for CCE opening ceremonies. This will be her year of conformation. Her journey further into the church and what we hope will add to her already strong foundation and spiritual path. I feel like I have done the church circuit today. I have received my calming power of prayer. Not just on my own but in several different religious structures. I feel sad but I'm at peace with my journey tonight.

So with this I will lay my head onto my pillow and try to reach out to my love tonight and feel his love surrounding me as I continue my journey for him.

You sound familiar

Sad days that turn into silly days. I got up this morning and went to counseling. I don't like counseling at the first thing I do because I'm so very sad when I finish. This morning I dropped H off at school on my way to the office. Scott was at it again with the radio. I know this song. I love this song but I haven't heard it since his passing. A quick insert, it is very hard to say his death! The song was Mark Wills, "I Wish You Were Here" It is truly a ballad country song.

The storyline is a woman's husband leaves the house for work trip and is killed in a plane crash. After he is buried she gets a card that says, Wish you were here, There are people here we know, it's summer all the time, I can't wait until your here. I was crying sitting trying to get out of the high school traffic. Messages from Heaven surround me. I love him so very much. I can't wait to get there but it's not my time yet. I can't rush it along. I don't get to make that choice. I can't make that choice. I'm trying to not die with a broken heart. He is still here. I know a love that is so magical can't ever end. There really is an infinity an beyond for us.

Then tonight I passed along a bit of Scott to Hannah. I let her take the car up the driveway. I know, I know, he actually let her drive the truck on the back roads. I'm working up to it but I feel him egging me on to let her grow and become more of who she already is. An amazing wonderful daughter who is a beautiful young woman. Scott is just as proud of her as I am. He was here when I needed him. He was here when we needed to support of a dad in our life. He wanted nothing more in life then to be a father and loving husband. His life had so much meaning. I hope his legacy carries on beyond us and our little family into all the rest of the world he touched, his friends, students, and his extended family.

Today I got a phone call from someone looking for a therapist. She was local and kept saying "I know your name, I know who you are!" I didn't recognize her but I said my late husband was Scott. She instantly said "Oh that's how I know you. I'm the best friend of so and so who is related to ...." So once again there are bunches of people out there who know who I am because of the love of my life.

Another Holiday

Yes it was a holiday. Much different then last year. I miss holding his hand and laughing and joking and planning. All the planning of our celebration day. It was fantasy football weekend with his other group of guys and he wasn't there. He was in spirit. I can promise that without a doubt but he wasn't there in person. I can't tell you how much I miss hearing about all the details of who he drafted and why! The season starts on Thursday. I look at our lineup and I can't tell you anything. I just seem to know who to click into active. I don't know why, I just do it.

My love belongs to Scott just as I am his heart. I have only taken my rings off at night, as always, but they are getting to big. My engagement ring fell off my finger one afternoon. Luckily I was sitting on the couch but otherwise I didn't feel it drop. I should have them sized but I can't bear the thought of having them not in my possession. I play with them a bunch and I have moved them to my right hand trying to see if they fit there. I don't think I will ever be able to not wear them. They symbol is the only thing I truly have with the amazing memories attached. The other day I found the camera we bought Laynie two years ago for Christmas. She had it when Scott proposed. She got the best view from her height of the exact moment. Scott's love shines in his eyes just as mine does for him. That promise of infinity and beyond is spoken without hearing the words.

I got through today because I went to work. Hannah was in school so I had to get out of the house. The only place I had to go was work. Otherwise my life tends to be quiet and lonely. I have to put on a face and make it happen in social situations. I hate the feeling that I am being fake. That I have to fake it to make it. At this rate I'm not going to be able to make it for real. I still feel the depth of my sadness. The tears roll down my face. Not a day goes buy without tears.

I am so tired of comparing my life last year to this year. I vote for time travel. Funny that the last movie we watched together on Saturday night was The Time Traveler's Wife. He looked at me and told me he loved me like that as I was sitting crying at the movie. Now I can't see him again. He can't be here in a physical form but he is my spiritual energy that is never far away. He will always be here to protect and love me to infinity and beyond.

Not Today

These weekends alone make me miss our life together so very much. This morning I woke up after struggling to sleep last night remembering the first day we met. It is amazing to find a connection with someone that is instant. Like we had known each other forever. I miss my friend that grew into love. That doesn't happen very often. That is true infinity and beyond connection. I have several other friends like that but with Scott it was even more intense. I know that will never happen again. It makes the tears flow down my face not having him here today swimming, yardwork and all the silly battles over doing the chores.

So yesterday and today are nothing special. Just another boring quiet weekend alone. I guess I just need to get over that. Not yet. I get to mourn for as long as I need. I don't cry as much but the pain still exists. Forever is how long it will be there but I will learn to live with it. Today I will do what I want. If I get laundry done then I've done something. If I just lay on the couch watching the bio of Nancy McKeon then I will have done something. I will be who I am in my own time. If I choose to not leave the house today I won't!

In my own time I will be the new me. Not today.

Standing Room Only

I'm learning to be out there. Football Fridays are very tiring but fun. Up at 5:45, Hannah to school by 6:45, home to get ready for work, make it to work all day, pick Hannah up from school at 3:30, stop at Subway to feed her, she changes, back to school with her at 5:10, run home, wait for Mike and Pamela to pick me up, quick bit to eat and to the stadium by 7:00, game until 10:30, to the band hall at the high school to pick up Hannah, back home. Are you tired reading about my day because I am!

I left out bunches in between that is just the highlights. I loved watching my beautiful daughter marching on the field. She is her own worst critic but not to bad for game 2 of her freshman year. She works her rear off and will only keep getting better because she loves it. I am very proud of her and all she does and continues to achieve with all that has gone on in her life.

I have to say this new stadium is huge. I can't even get pictures to show how important football is in this little town! With the stadium enlargement they went from approx. 400 reserved seats to 820 reserved seats and they are all sold out! That doesn't include the general seating. It is like being in Cowboys stadium with standing room only. People were standing everywhere! Except the seat to my left. It was sold to someone. Not me I promise I didn't buy a ticket for Scott but that seat sat empty of a human body for the entire game. Yes I am very inclined to believe in my love! He loved him some football.

So cheers to Scott and I know he enjoyed our victory over McNeil Round Rock. I just wish I could hold his hand and get my touchdown kiss. Maybe I can but I just don't know how yet. Here's to hoping for ongoing enlightenment to the mysteries of the universe.

Now if I can sleep soon after all the activity of the day = MIRACLE!

Continuing to Be Me

"We can be a little more resistant to calls of duty, though responsibilities, too, can help us keep going. But if we tend to be superconscientious, we can relax a little... When we do go into social groups, we need not expect too much of ourselves or feel we have to be scintillating or muster up the small talk." Martha Whitmore Hickman

I love these daily meditations. It really helps be find a balance a place to sort my thoughts into functional places. I really still don't do social situations well. I'm trying to make it. I'm trying to get there but that lonely feeling hits hard when I'm there.

She finishes her thoughts on the subject by saying "I need make no excuses to anyone - not even to myself - in taking time to let the depleted wells of my energy fill up again." I have heard many say this to me. It is okay if I take the time to be quiet and still. It is okay when I just sit on the couch and stare at the television.

This afternoon one of the nurses and I were talking about feeling things and seeing things. She told me that one evening recently after a patient died there was still a glow over his bed for hours after he was gone. That she could feel his presence for quite some time. I told her my story of Scott telling me to go where "I was last" and being there for him when he was pulled from the pond. I didn't sob but the tears rolled down my face. I also told her about the days when I can't walk anywhere near a radio without hearing a song from him. She told me she can believe in that fully. She spoke of being soul mates before I said anything. It felt so good to hear that once again. To reaffirm our love continues on. I know that. I feel him all the time.

I picked Hannah up tonight from Band and he was there. I finally said out loud, "I know you are here my love. I haven't forgotten you." He needed to touch me and tell me he still loves me. Those times also give me the okay to be. I really mean to just be. Whatever that moment is. Not doing everything for everyone else but being here for just me. I will try to keep having those times and not feel guilt or the need to push myself based on what I think others think of me. I've always been just myself and he loved that about me. He loved that I was just me. I will always continue to be just me because I don't have anyone to impress.

Rescue Me

Good days then days that aren't so great. I don't know how I can be this way but I am. When my counselor cancels at 15 minutes until time to see her after canceling last week too well I'm kind of not on the right direction. I got out of the house because I made myself. Somehow work spiraled to me feeling at the end of the day like I was not any good at doing anything in my life.

Don't tell me because I do know better but when your to do list doesn't fit on one sheet of paper then your cup runneth over! I have lots to be happy about and some stuff that isn't so great but that is life for anyone. I wish my inner strength would kick in versus my paranoia. I know lots of stuff but I have so many self doubts. So remember when you ever feel like that about yourself that there is someone else out there feeling the same way.

I make stuff happen. I'm getting things taken care of but I also have to remember that I am only one person for my job, home tasks and taking care of myself and Hannah. I can ask and do have help but sometimes superwoman kicks in and I have to get out the kryptonite to slow her down. There are so many things I'm missing today. Scott being here is the biggest. I keep thinking about the dreams we had of sitting on the island in Fiji and then I recall the "island time" we had sitting on an empty beach area in Disney World and snuggling in our hammock.

So you see I do repeat myself a bunch. I am worn out and ready to sleep without meds at 9 pm. I don't think if I tried to sleep without the meds would it work. I have tried and my mind races into 7000 different directions. I wish I could harness the power of my brain to keep the electricity going in the house. I think I need some time to sort through all the stuff that keeps creeping up on me. Ignoring it all only lasts for so long and then I can't do it anymore. I have to keep facing the demons in my head and pray for guidance, love and light. Where is my knight in shining armor when I need him the most?