My Boring life

I feel so boring. Who wants to keep reading about a sad lonely women with nothing to talk about but dealing with grief. I know there are some out there who think I should be beyond where I am but I'm still taking it one step at a time. This is a great spot for me to reflect and try to get into a little bit better place. Some nights I think why bother anymore but them I remember that it makes me feel better.

Today I did what I still do best - sat around in my jammies! I don't start my new job for for two weeks so I'm going to do what I can when I can and continue to make it forward. I dropped off and picked Hannah up from school today. Tonight I expanded my wings and made another step forward. I ate BBQ. This was a huge step to actually go into the restaurant. I did it but I'm not planning on making it a regular practice.

The reason I ended up in this BBQ place is because I was asked to join a bunco group by a friend who is my friend because of Scott. I love how much support continues to be around me because of Scott. Scott was my social life, we didn't do to many things apart. Partners in crime that was us! So now I'm making a new step and learning how to have a life without his physical presence.

I came home and was browsing fantasy football stuff when I needed a piece of paper. I went into the office to the Scott's desk and picked up his spiral. In it is all of his financial stuff where he wrote what needed to be paid and checked it off. April sits unchecked. It will forever be unchecked. I flipped through that notebook and discovered another reason he tells me he loves me and that I was his life forever. I won't bore you with the details but I love finding reminders of how much love we share. The tears are still here each day as I walk this walk.

I have steps to keep taking and places I have to be but I'm still learning. This isn't an overnight experience. I wish we were still in Victorian times where you had detailed instructions on bereavement but then if we were Scott would have died long ago because we didn't have the medicines for seizures. Then again he may have lived because there weren't cars. See there are two sides to every wish! I will find a day that maybe I can understand where I am - not today but someday. I have discovered that someday will always be there as long as I'm alive in human form. It is good to keep saying not today but someday because that means I have hope to continue having tomorrows!