Another Holiday

Yes it was a holiday. Much different then last year. I miss holding his hand and laughing and joking and planning. All the planning of our celebration day. It was fantasy football weekend with his other group of guys and he wasn't there. He was in spirit. I can promise that without a doubt but he wasn't there in person. I can't tell you how much I miss hearing about all the details of who he drafted and why! The season starts on Thursday. I look at our lineup and I can't tell you anything. I just seem to know who to click into active. I don't know why, I just do it.

My love belongs to Scott just as I am his heart. I have only taken my rings off at night, as always, but they are getting to big. My engagement ring fell off my finger one afternoon. Luckily I was sitting on the couch but otherwise I didn't feel it drop. I should have them sized but I can't bear the thought of having them not in my possession. I play with them a bunch and I have moved them to my right hand trying to see if they fit there. I don't think I will ever be able to not wear them. They symbol is the only thing I truly have with the amazing memories attached. The other day I found the camera we bought Laynie two years ago for Christmas. She had it when Scott proposed. She got the best view from her height of the exact moment. Scott's love shines in his eyes just as mine does for him. That promise of infinity and beyond is spoken without hearing the words.

I got through today because I went to work. Hannah was in school so I had to get out of the house. The only place I had to go was work. Otherwise my life tends to be quiet and lonely. I have to put on a face and make it happen in social situations. I hate the feeling that I am being fake. That I have to fake it to make it. At this rate I'm not going to be able to make it for real. I still feel the depth of my sadness. The tears roll down my face. Not a day goes buy without tears.

I am so tired of comparing my life last year to this year. I vote for time travel. Funny that the last movie we watched together on Saturday night was The Time Traveler's Wife. He looked at me and told me he loved me like that as I was sitting crying at the movie. Now I can't see him again. He can't be here in a physical form but he is my spiritual energy that is never far away. He will always be here to protect and love me to infinity and beyond.