I cleaned something!

Tonight was another night of parental duties. Driving to evening band practice, band backer meeting and somewhere in there squeezing in dinner. We need to go to the grocery store so we have been bad at eating. I can't get to the store so I have to schedule my time when Hannah can be there with me. Tonight this is not possible but I did have an hour at home alone and I did something.

I cleaned and sorted. No it wasn't in my craft room, it wasn't in Scott's closet but the pile of my mail that needed to be sorted into the file pile or shred pile. This stack has not been touched except to land it from my kitchen table to the sideboard since Scott's passing. I took the stack and sat on the floor in the living room and opened and well just made smaller stacks. I can't explain how very difficult it is to do stuff like this. I didn't touch Scott's mail pile. I've only been able to pull out the things that must be taken care of or the junk mail.

I'm still not sure what I'm doing or how I'm making it most days. Today was very much an introverted day for me. I can hide within myself very easily and feel as if I'm completely alone. On those days I'd like to go all day without setting eyes on anyone else. It doesn't work but that is how I feel. I can be in room full of people and feel as if I'm not really there. My pain is just that. I am trying to get all of this under control.

So I'm sitting here watching Ghost Adventures on the Travel Channel. I'm so very intrigued by this show. Oh my gosh I just used a Scott word. I don't like shows like this normally. I don't like being scared because well it is another surprise just not the good kind. I'm not ready for him to be anywhere else but here. I need to know how very much he still loves me. I need to tell him how very much I love him. I feel like I'm loosing him that my life is moving on into all these new activities and I just want to go back to April. It feels like yesterday but then I look at the calendar and it dawns on me it is 5.5 months. I am alive but I'm still not really living. I don't know what living is right now. Not today but someday I might know what living means again.