Grey's

Tonight I sat and watched Grey's Anatomy. It was a hard thing to do because they were all suffering from PTSD. I can relate. I can understand. The last little monologue from Meredith had a part about change being the only constant in our lives and learning to envelope the change is a rebirth. I'm paraphrasing mind you because my photographic memory was off trying to digest the show.

I think I'm trying to embrace the change and learn to be reborn in my life without Scott. I don't like it but I'm trying. Now I'm sitting here watching Private Practice and they are standing viewing Dell's headstone talking about how they can't believe he is dead while viewing the headstone. Oh the chores to do after the loss of someone you love.

I'm not ready for all the chores but it is okay to continue to say not today but someday. I shared that in my grief support group yesterday when we were talking about getting through each day. Fr. Brad agreed as did the rest of the group. One day at a time. I'm still walking forward but I'm not sure how to get it all done so it is one task at a time.

Today I cut my hair off. It was long because that was what Scott wanted for the wedding. I made another step today. I made it, wasn't sure while I was doing it but I made. He would love it. He loved it when I took the time to care for myself. I didn't always take the time but he made sure I felt good about myself. I miss him so very much. I continue to pray each day, have hundreds of tears and panic attacks but I' trying. It's not my time my expiration date isn't visible to me even if I wish for it so for now I stop wishing and try to accept the change that his physical self isn't here. I still look in the cab of every White Tundra that drives by but well you know the answer as well as I do.