Making it to the future one step at a time.

Last night was full of dreams. Dreams of Scott. He visited last night. We had a very precious conversation. He told me things that only he and I know. Those visits are real. He his in my life and he loves me. He continues to fulfill that promise. I have tears running down my face because the pain of not having him sitting here next to me is very real. I do things and go places but I'm still in pain that hasn't faded.

I find comfort today in this passage from my grief meditation book

"Watch your way then, as a cautious traveller; and don't be gazing at that mountain or river in the distance, and saying, "How shall I ever get over them?" but keep to the present little inch that is before you, and accomplish that in the little moment that belongs to it. The mountain and the river can only be passed in the same way; and, when you come to them, you will come to the light and strength that belong to them." - M.A. Kelty

I'm not spending time worrying about what is to happen and how to get past the hurdles that are before me but to live each day as a gift. Each day I had with Scott was a precious gift that will never to be repeated. He tells me how much he still loves me in my dream visits and all the other things that are meaningful to us both. I am making it each day. I have worries about little things in life but they aren't controlling me. I am taking care of multiple things and trying not to stress because I have such support and guidance.

Today as I'm feeling the panic, I sit alone trying to make it clear. I know what the triggers are mostly and I am learning how to get through them. I'm not going to let the worries control me. I am reaching out to continue my grieving process and know when it is okay for me to stop and take a break from life. It will be ok because Scott loves me as do so many other people in my life.

I live in the present, try to make simple plans for the future and know the love from it all will be there to infinity and beyond. I will always have the pain but I will get to a point where I'm the only person who knows the depth of the pain that has changed me forever.