Continuing to Be Me

"We can be a little more resistant to calls of duty, though responsibilities, too, can help us keep going. But if we tend to be superconscientious, we can relax a little... When we do go into social groups, we need not expect too much of ourselves or feel we have to be scintillating or muster up the small talk." Martha Whitmore Hickman

I love these daily meditations. It really helps be find a balance a place to sort my thoughts into functional places. I really still don't do social situations well. I'm trying to make it. I'm trying to get there but that lonely feeling hits hard when I'm there.

She finishes her thoughts on the subject by saying "I need make no excuses to anyone - not even to myself - in taking time to let the depleted wells of my energy fill up again." I have heard many say this to me. It is okay if I take the time to be quiet and still. It is okay when I just sit on the couch and stare at the television.

This afternoon one of the nurses and I were talking about feeling things and seeing things. She told me that one evening recently after a patient died there was still a glow over his bed for hours after he was gone. That she could feel his presence for quite some time. I told her my story of Scott telling me to go where "I was last" and being there for him when he was pulled from the pond. I didn't sob but the tears rolled down my face. I also told her about the days when I can't walk anywhere near a radio without hearing a song from him. She told me she can believe in that fully. She spoke of being soul mates before I said anything. It felt so good to hear that once again. To reaffirm our love continues on. I know that. I feel him all the time.

I picked Hannah up tonight from Band and he was there. I finally said out loud, "I know you are here my love. I haven't forgotten you." He needed to touch me and tell me he still loves me. Those times also give me the okay to be. I really mean to just be. Whatever that moment is. Not doing everything for everyone else but being here for just me. I will try to keep having those times and not feel guilt or the need to push myself based on what I think others think of me. I've always been just myself and he loved that about me. He loved that I was just me. I will always continue to be just me because I don't have anyone to impress.