God is my Pilot

I haven't written for a few days to find my voice in my head again. I have been on a numb spell again. Tonight I got the mail from the mailbox and well let's just say that I really wanted to beat my head against a brick wall. I don't understand why some people do the things they do and pretend like they know something. I know I have all the required paperwork and I will make it right. Scott and I promised each other two years ago after I almost died that if something ever happened to one of us the other would make sure the girls were taken care of and that they would know the love we had for them. I promised that to Scott just as he promised me. I should have died but it wasn't my time. Apparently I get to live up to my promise to him. Even if it means I really want to throw the bricks from the wall at someone. He would have. It was my job to calm him down but then again he always calmed me down too. A true partnership.

I was pondering this on the drive home today. I had the perfect love that books are written about and people dream. I now feel like I have lived my life. As I was having these thoughts the radio started it's thing again and I was told to live life to the fullest. He is rally amazing and when I say that I mean God and Scott. Scott lives in his light now how can he be anything less. I'm doing what I have to do for Hannah and Laynie because I promised. Not today but someday we will get our Heaven together.

One of my friends from college wrote this as his status earlier, "Thank you Lord for Your love, guidance and forgiveness" I am strapped in and ready to ride with You as my pilot!" My comment was, "I live those words daily" I also pray for patience to listen for His guidance." So when I feel like throwing those bricks I pray for guidance and let God be my pilot.

I know I have talents, brains and common sense to find the correct path to honor Scott's memory for not only myself but Laynie, Hannah, his friends and his family. He didn't belong to me, he was his own person but we shared a special love that transcends all. If I had my way he would still be here with us all physically. We would still be fighting forward to make the best life for our girls, we would be doing the mundane boring household chores, we would be holding hands and sharing our love with others. I didn't get a say in his time to be with God. His Heaven is not only me but the girls, football and many others. So tonight I find the numbness has moved over for the onslaught of tears once again. I miss him with all my heart but I'm not alone. I have an amazing support system that will give me strength to fulfill my promise to My Love. To infinity and beyond!