More Football

I didn't write last night because I was exhausted after Friday Night Lights Band Season. I feel like I am training for a marathon in parenting. I made it through the wild and crazy day. Last night I added to my duties because of band backers volunteering. I helped feed the kids before the away game. We made it to a fantastic game. I sat in the stands and at first I felt all alone surrounded by thousands of people, my parents included. I didn't feel Scott and hadn't for a few hours. I said I know you aren't here and you know this game is going to be good so where are you? Suddenly just this immense peace came over me and I felt love. I didn't feel alone anymore.

The game was great and very thrilling. My voice was hoarse and tired when we made it home. I collapsed into bed and got up this morning bright and early. No rest today for me. I didn't get to hide in bed. Hannah had plans for us. I made it to Michael's to get her supplies for her dates garter for Homecoming next Friday. The band director told them if they were bringing a date they would have to introduce them to 'dad' if they weren't part of the band. The girls are so funny because they have dates with other band members so they don't have to introduce to Mr. Brown.

Today I was pulled to wear Scott's traditional Saturday Football season garb. I went into his closet and pulled out the Mickey/UT shirt we had bought in Florida for him in March. He loved this shirt. We looked hard for this shirt on all three trips we had together. They never had one in his size and we did find one. He was so much like a kid in a candy store. I miss that the most. He was so full of life, love and happiness. We had a great life together. Tomorrow I'm supposed to wear a Cowboys t-shirt. I don't know maybe I will just stay in my PJ's.

Hannah and I went next to have mani/pedi time. It was so great to just hang out and pamper ourselves. Ahh relaxation but as always it wasn't long enough. Then it was time for the garter making party with six of her friends. I had been thinking about Scott all day but during the party I was so focused on helping the girls I didn't think of him nearly as much. I did still think of him but it was he wouldn't have been there but he would have been proud of her. I also kept thinking I will be alone at homecoming and he had asked me to be his date forever. Oh I love you so very much Scott.

I thought today about how the love we have wasn't perfect but it was amazing. There will never be another love for me like that and I'm really okay with it because we had five years of wonderful times together. Last night on the way to the football game we could have driven the back way but that would have taken us past where he died and I can't do that. I can't and won't. I'm stomping my feet and refusing to ever go that way again. I know he is with me and I have to live the trauma in my own mind but I'm not going to put myself in that situation. I don't even feel drawn that way. It as if there is a barrier in the road that I can't cross. Like he has put up a force shield to keep me from ever going that way. He did love his Star Wars and Star Trek. I'm sure he can do whatever he sets his mind too. He did here in the life. I laugh because he wasn't always very good at what he did but he was always trying and wasn't afraid to ask questions to get it to work. I know that persistence is present in his afterlife too. That energy surrounds me and he will continue to find a way to be here with me until it is my time to be with him again.

Now maybe I should have a good sleep tomorrow. I feel there will be multiple naps in my day.