Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
- James 1:24
Each day brings you closer to the joy that is life. Each test I have been given makes me stronger but it is hard to tackle. There are some moments when I don't understand why I even try but I keep going. There are moments when I give it my all and it doesn't seem like it is enough. There are moments that feel like the finish line keeps getting further away or that pasta just keeps growing in the bowl. Some days it is like being slapped in the face for being who I am. I don't expect more from others then I'm willing to give myself.
I am ready to push away from the table and walk away. To find a new place to be but God's plans don't match my own at the moment. I can't do for everyone else when I can barely take care of myself. Today was a rollercoaster and somehow it only became better when I had dinner with Hannah. There is nothing that solves a crisis like a talk with a smart teen and Mexican food. I will make it and it is time to try to sleep. It is time to face tomorrow with a smile and conviction to make it to my goals!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Water of Love
We are made for loving. If we don’t love, we will be like plants without water.
- Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Prize winner
How is it possible to do anything else but love. Even in all the grief and anguish, the swearing that I will never be loved again or be able to love that way again I find myself loving life again. I'm still struggling with the pain of losing my love. I still have moments where I don't know where to go but I'm trying. I keep hearing him telling me to keep going, that I'm going in the right direction. It has to be the right direction doesn't it? I still have several decisions I have to make but I feel like I'm back on hold again. I can't make the decisions because I don't have answers to my pain. How can I make it forward into a new life when the possibilities of what might be happening are endless. I'm back to baby steps in living. I do the important things but how do I make a decision about life changing things?
I don't just want to sit here and have life happen. I keep taking the steps but I when I try to take big ones I get the yield sign. I am just sitting at the gate waiting for the clearance from the control tower to take off. I guess my plans for life aren't where I was supposed to be but I do know Scott was supposed to be in my life. He was supposed to teach me about love and loss. I'm supposed to learn how to heal and step forward. I think the overachiever in my system wants to step up and find life again. I don't need to learn how to love. I've had excellent training in that department. I see love in so many places in life. The kitten that is laying on my left arm kneading and purring, my daughter that is growing up faster then I know, my mom who is willing to spend time driving around the Texas countryside with me, loving all my friends even when they do crazy things like running marathons or even my memories of my past. I know the only thing in life that matters in the end of it all will be love.
I hope I make a difference in the life of someone else. Enough of a difference that I inspire someone else to love and be loved. You just can't take money with you. You can't take the successes of the job with you. Will that paycheck cry when you are sick, cheer when you succeed or hold you when you cry. I miss that part of my life very much. To know I'm being held up through all these tough decisions about crap that I shouldn't have to think about. I've dealt with enough mortality. I'm not ready to think I may have to make decisions about my own. I've had enough of that. Why don't I get a break to just be loved and held! What have I done to deserve to be in this world of lessons that I understand but I don't know who else I can help these days.
- Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Nobel Peace Prize winner
How is it possible to do anything else but love. Even in all the grief and anguish, the swearing that I will never be loved again or be able to love that way again I find myself loving life again. I'm still struggling with the pain of losing my love. I still have moments where I don't know where to go but I'm trying. I keep hearing him telling me to keep going, that I'm going in the right direction. It has to be the right direction doesn't it? I still have several decisions I have to make but I feel like I'm back on hold again. I can't make the decisions because I don't have answers to my pain. How can I make it forward into a new life when the possibilities of what might be happening are endless. I'm back to baby steps in living. I do the important things but how do I make a decision about life changing things?
I don't just want to sit here and have life happen. I keep taking the steps but I when I try to take big ones I get the yield sign. I am just sitting at the gate waiting for the clearance from the control tower to take off. I guess my plans for life aren't where I was supposed to be but I do know Scott was supposed to be in my life. He was supposed to teach me about love and loss. I'm supposed to learn how to heal and step forward. I think the overachiever in my system wants to step up and find life again. I don't need to learn how to love. I've had excellent training in that department. I see love in so many places in life. The kitten that is laying on my left arm kneading and purring, my daughter that is growing up faster then I know, my mom who is willing to spend time driving around the Texas countryside with me, loving all my friends even when they do crazy things like running marathons or even my memories of my past. I know the only thing in life that matters in the end of it all will be love.
I hope I make a difference in the life of someone else. Enough of a difference that I inspire someone else to love and be loved. You just can't take money with you. You can't take the successes of the job with you. Will that paycheck cry when you are sick, cheer when you succeed or hold you when you cry. I miss that part of my life very much. To know I'm being held up through all these tough decisions about crap that I shouldn't have to think about. I've dealt with enough mortality. I'm not ready to think I may have to make decisions about my own. I've had enough of that. Why don't I get a break to just be loved and held! What have I done to deserve to be in this world of lessons that I understand but I don't know who else I can help these days.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Ask Me!
Life sucks and then you die! Sometimes it sucks more then others but the dying part well it just happens when it happens. I don't know when or where but I know it will happen someday. It has been a busy crazy strange rough week. I don't understand why I am where I am but here I am. Living in each moment.
Do you know how hard it is to live scared all the time? To be afraid to do things or try new things! I do! I'm afraid to put one foot in front of the other but I do it! I feel like a Nike commercial. This week has been very tearful for me. I'm afraid of this pain and all that I have to got through again to TRY to find out why I'm in pain again. It was great when I was numb. Can I just spend the rest of my life numb? I try but I seem to have recovered feeling. Not just the pain in my tummy but I have feelings in my heart again.
When I was in WDW I walk down memory lane with Scott. Mike gets upset with me because we have memories there too with Hannah. I think it is because I know I can keep making new memories with them but those are all the memories I get with Scott. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my memories of Scott. It is as if I have to make them stick really hard. I'm still trying not to talk about him all the time, to keep living forward but it just doesn't seem to be so easy. I want to remember as much as I can but I'm willing to make new ones too. I want more in my life.
I reach so far into each day. Somedays I come up empty and somedays are full! I like the days are full of fun and adventure. Today is one of those days. I stay busy and try to make each day worth still being here. I want more. I dream for more. I don't know if my dreams match where I'm supposed to be though. How do you deal with the reality of life when all I want is only a dream now. I'm usually really good at being where I want to be but now it just doesn't seem so easy to jump, leap, throw caution to the wind and kiss my dreams hello.
I don't know when to give up and when to keep punching away. Things just feel so overwhelming when a bowl of some shelf stable meal makes me cry. I know why because I'm missing the person that holds me up and takes my fears away. People care and people love me but that unconditional love and compassion is missing from my day. When I can pick up the phone to just hear a voice on the other end to aleve my fears of the strangeness that is my life is what I enjoy. I know it is there but it is that next step on a rung of fears. Why is life so full of moments of fears that are silly and irrational? I can make it through all the tests. I can deal with the answers. If it is the worst or the best, I need the answers. I just keep trying, even when I want to give up on my dream. I need help though. I need to hear the voice on the other end asking me "What else?" I may not be able to say what I really want to say. I need to leap but I don't know how so I stay in each moment of where I am. Maybe someday....
Do you know how hard it is to live scared all the time? To be afraid to do things or try new things! I do! I'm afraid to put one foot in front of the other but I do it! I feel like a Nike commercial. This week has been very tearful for me. I'm afraid of this pain and all that I have to got through again to TRY to find out why I'm in pain again. It was great when I was numb. Can I just spend the rest of my life numb? I try but I seem to have recovered feeling. Not just the pain in my tummy but I have feelings in my heart again.
When I was in WDW I walk down memory lane with Scott. Mike gets upset with me because we have memories there too with Hannah. I think it is because I know I can keep making new memories with them but those are all the memories I get with Scott. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my memories of Scott. It is as if I have to make them stick really hard. I'm still trying not to talk about him all the time, to keep living forward but it just doesn't seem to be so easy. I want to remember as much as I can but I'm willing to make new ones too. I want more in my life.
I reach so far into each day. Somedays I come up empty and somedays are full! I like the days are full of fun and adventure. Today is one of those days. I stay busy and try to make each day worth still being here. I want more. I dream for more. I don't know if my dreams match where I'm supposed to be though. How do you deal with the reality of life when all I want is only a dream now. I'm usually really good at being where I want to be but now it just doesn't seem so easy to jump, leap, throw caution to the wind and kiss my dreams hello.
I don't know when to give up and when to keep punching away. Things just feel so overwhelming when a bowl of some shelf stable meal makes me cry. I know why because I'm missing the person that holds me up and takes my fears away. People care and people love me but that unconditional love and compassion is missing from my day. When I can pick up the phone to just hear a voice on the other end to aleve my fears of the strangeness that is my life is what I enjoy. I know it is there but it is that next step on a rung of fears. Why is life so full of moments of fears that are silly and irrational? I can make it through all the tests. I can deal with the answers. If it is the worst or the best, I need the answers. I just keep trying, even when I want to give up on my dream. I need help though. I need to hear the voice on the other end asking me "What else?" I may not be able to say what I really want to say. I need to leap but I don't know how so I stay in each moment of where I am. Maybe someday....
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Disney Strength
Last year I was still in a fog. My smile was placed on my face with a great deal of effort and tears below the surface. We have been friends for so long that the support is amazing and wonderful. Today was a different day for me. I have come so far. I have a smile that is genuine and my enthusiasm for my life is back without trying. I don't have to work at happiness. A trip down Main Street today was filled with love and laughter. I miss Scott very much. I can feel him with me every step of the way but it is support and love I feel walking around here.
I have lots of fun times and memories with Hannah, Mike and all my friends. This is a happy place for me over the last 17 years. You see Mike keeps teasing me because this week is the week we spent here at WDW for our honeymoon. There are so many places and times I don't forget but I'm not just hanging out describing every memory of my life. Nope I'm too busy making new memories. Yes I still cried my way through the Haunted Mansion. I can't explain it but I just don't have the words that it just sends me into tears. I also sat in the restaurant in Whispering Canyon looking straight out into the lobby of Wilderness Lodge with lots of time to think. I went internal and lost my place of where I was in the group. Another moment of "alone in the crowd" but it is okay.
Several times today it has been said, "You are where you are supposed to be!" Yes I know. I think my mind fills with Scott because we weren't done yet. I feel like he is here telling me he is still holding me close and not letting go. He promised and I know I will always be taken care of into my future. I'm here with new memories but I'm also afraid that I will never be able to come here without all of these overwhelming feelings hitting me. I know my life is forever altered but the fact that in this day alone I have been in the two of the three hotels Scott and I stayed together with a smile on my face means I am finding my strength in Disney. This is and will always be my happy place. I have been blessed in so many ways and I know I will continue to be. How can I not be surrounded by so many friends and people who love me warts and all!
I have lots of fun times and memories with Hannah, Mike and all my friends. This is a happy place for me over the last 17 years. You see Mike keeps teasing me because this week is the week we spent here at WDW for our honeymoon. There are so many places and times I don't forget but I'm not just hanging out describing every memory of my life. Nope I'm too busy making new memories. Yes I still cried my way through the Haunted Mansion. I can't explain it but I just don't have the words that it just sends me into tears. I also sat in the restaurant in Whispering Canyon looking straight out into the lobby of Wilderness Lodge with lots of time to think. I went internal and lost my place of where I was in the group. Another moment of "alone in the crowd" but it is okay.
Several times today it has been said, "You are where you are supposed to be!" Yes I know. I think my mind fills with Scott because we weren't done yet. I feel like he is here telling me he is still holding me close and not letting go. He promised and I know I will always be taken care of into my future. I'm here with new memories but I'm also afraid that I will never be able to come here without all of these overwhelming feelings hitting me. I know my life is forever altered but the fact that in this day alone I have been in the two of the three hotels Scott and I stayed together with a smile on my face means I am finding my strength in Disney. This is and will always be my happy place. I have been blessed in so many ways and I know I will continue to be. How can I not be surrounded by so many friends and people who love me warts and all!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sunshine
"In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." - Juno
I think that about says it all! At some point you just have to take a leap of faith that you have found that person. I have decided it is a lot like the point when couples plan to have a baby. They try to make sure all the things are right, money, house, age and suddenly the time is gone because time has this way to keep moving forward and leaves you behind. Then those of us that had a baby at a point when you didn't expect but that baby was just what you needed even when you didn't know it.
I have things I see, places I want to be but I am afraid of myself. I don't have all of the answers in my life but I am proud of where I have come from to be where I am. I wish I could leap in so many things. It's not just about love but living my life. I am though. I think about how far I have come. Sometimes I want to say things but I'm afraid to admit where I really am. I want to keep reaching but something is holding me back. I want to take that leap to make changes but I'm afraid. I've been afraid of so many things before but I'm trying to get to the right place for me to be less afraid. My arms are wide open.
I'm waiting for now because I still see the rocks down below. I want to achieve so much and be so much. I have to dream that I am making it to the right place for me. I believe I'm surrounded each day by light and love. I know that I have the strength to make it further each day. I'm not alone, I will never be alone but I'm ready to leap into those arms. It's okay! I love you! I know that power is still there. I feel as if Scott has made decisions for me and takes the lead when I am blind and fearful. I am being guided when I ask. Now it is up to me to follow where the signs are leading. I'm scared to take that leap, to make that change but I see the infinite possibilities before me. Believe in the magic and power of love from God and Scott. Sunshine and smiles are there if you open your heart.
I think that about says it all! At some point you just have to take a leap of faith that you have found that person. I have decided it is a lot like the point when couples plan to have a baby. They try to make sure all the things are right, money, house, age and suddenly the time is gone because time has this way to keep moving forward and leaves you behind. Then those of us that had a baby at a point when you didn't expect but that baby was just what you needed even when you didn't know it.
I have things I see, places I want to be but I am afraid of myself. I don't have all of the answers in my life but I am proud of where I have come from to be where I am. I wish I could leap in so many things. It's not just about love but living my life. I am though. I think about how far I have come. Sometimes I want to say things but I'm afraid to admit where I really am. I want to keep reaching but something is holding me back. I want to take that leap to make changes but I'm afraid. I've been afraid of so many things before but I'm trying to get to the right place for me to be less afraid. My arms are wide open.
I'm waiting for now because I still see the rocks down below. I want to achieve so much and be so much. I have to dream that I am making it to the right place for me. I believe I'm surrounded each day by light and love. I know that I have the strength to make it further each day. I'm not alone, I will never be alone but I'm ready to leap into those arms. It's okay! I love you! I know that power is still there. I feel as if Scott has made decisions for me and takes the lead when I am blind and fearful. I am being guided when I ask. Now it is up to me to follow where the signs are leading. I'm scared to take that leap, to make that change but I see the infinite possibilities before me. Believe in the magic and power of love from God and Scott. Sunshine and smiles are there if you open your heart.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Kristen Math
Time and space are fragments of the infinite for the use of finite creatures.
Henri Frederic Amiel
Yes this is why I believe the people from our lives that have worn out their bodies are still with us in their own time. We have this thing with time. We must control it and make it ours yet there really isn't a way to do that. Time is something we measure our lives by but is it really necessary. If we are doing the right thing and being the best person we can be then doesn't that make time irrelevant? I have been measuring my life before Scott, with Scott and after Scott. It doesn't really matter other then I miss him like crazy everyday. It doesn't really matter because I'm trying to make my life important in every moment of "time" I have.
I measure the moments in my life differently now. I know I have things I have to do for deadlines of different things. I still make my priorities but if I can have a moment to stop what I'm doing and enjoy the moment then I will. I try to do the right thing. I have so many fewer rules for my life. I know that I have to make each moment count. I want that review of my life when it is my time to show that I made a difference. I was the best Mom, daughter, friend and love I could be with the tools I have been given.
My time when I'm looking forward to something works just like this. The day we are in doesn't count and the day the event begins doesn't count. That means I have more days of smiles in the end. So if I'm leaving on a trip next Wednesday today doesn't count! So I only have to face Monday and Tuesday! That means two days before the magic. I've already begun today, it has been achieved and the day I leave means it is here so it really doesn't count. Hannah and Scott call this Kristen math! They went right along with it and when I explain it to most people they seem to think it makes sense to them too!
Now Kristen math doesn't always make sense but when it comes to squeezing the most joy out of a moment I can make the math work. I like trying to ignore the fact that we place limits on ourselves when it comes to time. I keep thinking about when H graduates and how I can do this or that but I know if the opportunity arose and it fit into what my goals were then I would do it. I will take each moment I am handed. I follow rules but sometimes there are moments that need Kristen Math applied to get to where you are trying to go. I'm trying to make a change. I want to make a difference. I will be exactly where I should be in this moment in time!
Henri Frederic Amiel
Yes this is why I believe the people from our lives that have worn out their bodies are still with us in their own time. We have this thing with time. We must control it and make it ours yet there really isn't a way to do that. Time is something we measure our lives by but is it really necessary. If we are doing the right thing and being the best person we can be then doesn't that make time irrelevant? I have been measuring my life before Scott, with Scott and after Scott. It doesn't really matter other then I miss him like crazy everyday. It doesn't really matter because I'm trying to make my life important in every moment of "time" I have.
I measure the moments in my life differently now. I know I have things I have to do for deadlines of different things. I still make my priorities but if I can have a moment to stop what I'm doing and enjoy the moment then I will. I try to do the right thing. I have so many fewer rules for my life. I know that I have to make each moment count. I want that review of my life when it is my time to show that I made a difference. I was the best Mom, daughter, friend and love I could be with the tools I have been given.
My time when I'm looking forward to something works just like this. The day we are in doesn't count and the day the event begins doesn't count. That means I have more days of smiles in the end. So if I'm leaving on a trip next Wednesday today doesn't count! So I only have to face Monday and Tuesday! That means two days before the magic. I've already begun today, it has been achieved and the day I leave means it is here so it really doesn't count. Hannah and Scott call this Kristen math! They went right along with it and when I explain it to most people they seem to think it makes sense to them too!
Now Kristen math doesn't always make sense but when it comes to squeezing the most joy out of a moment I can make the math work. I like trying to ignore the fact that we place limits on ourselves when it comes to time. I keep thinking about when H graduates and how I can do this or that but I know if the opportunity arose and it fit into what my goals were then I would do it. I will take each moment I am handed. I follow rules but sometimes there are moments that need Kristen Math applied to get to where you are trying to go. I'm trying to make a change. I want to make a difference. I will be exactly where I should be in this moment in time!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Honoring Love
I have learned not to worry about love;
But to honor its coming with all my heart.
Alice Walker
Today has so many meanings. It is a day of so much happiness at so many places in my life. The tears are flowing freely as I sit here trying to make the words pour from my fingers as normal but I'm not sure how to keep my normal going tonight. Today is still an anniversary of many things. The anniversary of walking down the aisle in the big dream wedding and saying I do to the wonderful man whom I share a daughter. Being divorced doesn't change that date we thought we would ride that tandem bicycle further then we did. I am happy that we can keep going as parents for Hannah. So with that Happy Anniversary Michael. Our time together made me who I am now and with that I will always love you.
Two years ago today Scott and I became "official." We didn't get to have our Fairytale Castle wedding on the date we had picked to be ours. Instead we have today, by accident. Today is the day he legally declared me as his wife. The day he declared our forever. We didn't get to spill it to the world but it doesn't matter because we know. I know the power of love with Scott that has also made me who I am today. I miss him everyday. Some how it just becomes easier to focus on who I have become and where I am going then what I have lost.
Last night felt like Scott was around. I was doing something he would have begged to do. I would have teased and tortured but would have gone too. I took a bus with a group of people I barely know plus my dear friend, Angela to a football game four hours away. I went to a BBQ place he wanted to make sure I tried just to get me to eat new things on the off chance I might like something. We watched "Blindside" and "Remember the Titans" on the bus. He had just purchased "Blindside" the day before he died. My copy is still in the original packaging. I've seen the movie just not his copy. I felt like I had a mystical date last night to celebrate his life and I'm the only one who understood.
I know there is more to my life. The power I have to feel Scott around has also given me a feeling of more to come. The magic of my life continues to grow. I'm not afraid of the chance of love. I just don't like surprises so very much. In this I don't have an option. I can trust my intuition and let love happen when the time is right. I can only be patient and know what I feel in my heart. I feel the power of love on this day that is not only about the love that has shaped me but the love into which I will travel. October 15 seems to be a day of destiny for me. I'm not sure why but here I am. With a toast to my two loves of my past and to the possibility of my love in the future. Today also proves I can't control when life events occur. I will be where I am supposed to be when the time is right.
But to honor its coming with all my heart.
Alice Walker
Today has so many meanings. It is a day of so much happiness at so many places in my life. The tears are flowing freely as I sit here trying to make the words pour from my fingers as normal but I'm not sure how to keep my normal going tonight. Today is still an anniversary of many things. The anniversary of walking down the aisle in the big dream wedding and saying I do to the wonderful man whom I share a daughter. Being divorced doesn't change that date we thought we would ride that tandem bicycle further then we did. I am happy that we can keep going as parents for Hannah. So with that Happy Anniversary Michael. Our time together made me who I am now and with that I will always love you.
Two years ago today Scott and I became "official." We didn't get to have our Fairytale Castle wedding on the date we had picked to be ours. Instead we have today, by accident. Today is the day he legally declared me as his wife. The day he declared our forever. We didn't get to spill it to the world but it doesn't matter because we know. I know the power of love with Scott that has also made me who I am today. I miss him everyday. Some how it just becomes easier to focus on who I have become and where I am going then what I have lost.
Last night felt like Scott was around. I was doing something he would have begged to do. I would have teased and tortured but would have gone too. I took a bus with a group of people I barely know plus my dear friend, Angela to a football game four hours away. I went to a BBQ place he wanted to make sure I tried just to get me to eat new things on the off chance I might like something. We watched "Blindside" and "Remember the Titans" on the bus. He had just purchased "Blindside" the day before he died. My copy is still in the original packaging. I've seen the movie just not his copy. I felt like I had a mystical date last night to celebrate his life and I'm the only one who understood.
I know there is more to my life. The power I have to feel Scott around has also given me a feeling of more to come. The magic of my life continues to grow. I'm not afraid of the chance of love. I just don't like surprises so very much. In this I don't have an option. I can trust my intuition and let love happen when the time is right. I can only be patient and know what I feel in my heart. I feel the power of love on this day that is not only about the love that has shaped me but the love into which I will travel. October 15 seems to be a day of destiny for me. I'm not sure why but here I am. With a toast to my two loves of my past and to the possibility of my love in the future. Today also proves I can't control when life events occur. I will be where I am supposed to be when the time is right.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Choosing Friends
God gives us our relatives - thank God we can choose our friends.
- Ethel Watts Mumford
I'm so ready to spend time with my chosen family. I have been so lucky to be surrounded by some of the greatest people I will always hold near and dear to my heart. Today has been a day of fun, flirty, laughter, tears and pampering. I'm in a good place today. Even have a nutty patient say stupid stuff made me smile.
I'm reaching for my happy place. I was talking to one of my girlfriends today about the "mental" unit at our local hospital. She said she really feels like she needs to go but her MD told her she is thinking too logically for that. I told her I understood but instead of the psych unit I check myself into Disney World. It works great for me. I'm so excited I can't stand it.
So here I go. Sassy new hair cut, my bright red toes, packing bags bring on my happy place with my chosen family! I'm ready to join in the hugs, laughter, gossiping and love! They have saved my life so many times. I'm so happy I get to keep adding to my chosen family. They remind me how important to people I am. Not just because of biology but because they love me for who I am. I love my friends! Thank you for loving me too even when I need a big dose of "shut up!"
- Ethel Watts Mumford
I'm so ready to spend time with my chosen family. I have been so lucky to be surrounded by some of the greatest people I will always hold near and dear to my heart. Today has been a day of fun, flirty, laughter, tears and pampering. I'm in a good place today. Even have a nutty patient say stupid stuff made me smile.
I'm reaching for my happy place. I was talking to one of my girlfriends today about the "mental" unit at our local hospital. She said she really feels like she needs to go but her MD told her she is thinking too logically for that. I told her I understood but instead of the psych unit I check myself into Disney World. It works great for me. I'm so excited I can't stand it.
So here I go. Sassy new hair cut, my bright red toes, packing bags bring on my happy place with my chosen family! I'm ready to join in the hugs, laughter, gossiping and love! They have saved my life so many times. I'm so happy I get to keep adding to my chosen family. They remind me how important to people I am. Not just because of biology but because they love me for who I am. I love my friends! Thank you for loving me too even when I need a big dose of "shut up!"
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Window Shades
If a window of opportunity appears, don't pull down the shade.
- Tom Peters
Yes I'm searching for those opportunities. I think I may be finding them too! I have great people that help me along the way. I know I will continue to take each day as it is given. I have to make some changes to make it to my wish but I'm working on it.
It was funny today when I went into the jewelers to have my rings cleaned. I love it when they sparkle and shine. It reminds me of a beautiful early morning when a certain someone was so nervous "the ring" couldn't stay hidden. I gave him such a hard time but the truth is, and he knew it, he did achieve a surprise. It is very hard to surprise me. Ask Hannah she'll tell you I always ruin the surprises. I knew about the ring. I'd helped him pick it out but he made the final decision. I love the sparkly glittery shine. It always reminds me of the twinkle in his brown eyes. So all shined and sparkled. The lady at the store asked me if I was dating yet. She is a different one then my favorite. I'm so glad that question has gotten easier.
I think it has become so much easier because it is the toughest question I ask myself. I have desensitized myself to the question. You know I discuss it here often enough. I can phrase the question two ways. Am I ready to go there yet or is it the right guy is there yet? Either way I think the question is funny now. I used to ponder all the things that I would have to do to get there. I think I really know the answer even on my worst days - when the time is right. Someday I feel so alone. It is that knowledge of what being in a truly loving lifetime relationship means. Some very large shoes but not impossible. I know where my heart wants to be.
Life keeps moving forward. I keep making choices. Right or wrong they are my choices. I'm scared but I was scared when Scott was alive. I don't have the answers but I keep looking for the opportunities to get to my wish. I know I am surrounded by light and love. My Angelic DJ has been in full force today. I believe! The person I end up with has to believe too. My life has to many moments of magic. I'm ready for some more magic next week. I need a break to make some decisions about doors and windows that have become wide open. Please grant me the wisdom to make the right choices for my daughter. I have plenty of time to focus on my own wishes later.
- Tom Peters
Yes I'm searching for those opportunities. I think I may be finding them too! I have great people that help me along the way. I know I will continue to take each day as it is given. I have to make some changes to make it to my wish but I'm working on it.
It was funny today when I went into the jewelers to have my rings cleaned. I love it when they sparkle and shine. It reminds me of a beautiful early morning when a certain someone was so nervous "the ring" couldn't stay hidden. I gave him such a hard time but the truth is, and he knew it, he did achieve a surprise. It is very hard to surprise me. Ask Hannah she'll tell you I always ruin the surprises. I knew about the ring. I'd helped him pick it out but he made the final decision. I love the sparkly glittery shine. It always reminds me of the twinkle in his brown eyes. So all shined and sparkled. The lady at the store asked me if I was dating yet. She is a different one then my favorite. I'm so glad that question has gotten easier.
I think it has become so much easier because it is the toughest question I ask myself. I have desensitized myself to the question. You know I discuss it here often enough. I can phrase the question two ways. Am I ready to go there yet or is it the right guy is there yet? Either way I think the question is funny now. I used to ponder all the things that I would have to do to get there. I think I really know the answer even on my worst days - when the time is right. Someday I feel so alone. It is that knowledge of what being in a truly loving lifetime relationship means. Some very large shoes but not impossible. I know where my heart wants to be.
Life keeps moving forward. I keep making choices. Right or wrong they are my choices. I'm scared but I was scared when Scott was alive. I don't have the answers but I keep looking for the opportunities to get to my wish. I know I am surrounded by light and love. My Angelic DJ has been in full force today. I believe! The person I end up with has to believe too. My life has to many moments of magic. I'm ready for some more magic next week. I need a break to make some decisions about doors and windows that have become wide open. Please grant me the wisdom to make the right choices for my daughter. I have plenty of time to focus on my own wishes later.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Joyful Smile
Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.
- Thich Nhat Hanh
Thank you for making me smile today! Thank you for making sure I was good. Thank you for bringing me a joy when I don't know what to do! Next time I will take chicken soup too. Now let's just hope I can stay healthy. I need some joy from my friends. I need a Disney break. Life is going to work! I know it will. I have joy where I thought there would never be again. For now I will take the bits I get! It matters and you matter to me. If you are reading this then you matter to me! Time to live forward a bit more. Joy doesn't just come from one person in my day! Share a moment and somehow life happens!
Now I have more steps to take to keep the joy going. I'm trying. I keep working towards more in my life. I keep trying to combat my own weaknesses and grow. I will fight for the life I have been given. If that means I have to go for another round of doctors to find the source of my constant pain, I will. If I have to live with the pain I will. I will get my wish someday. I will make it where I'm supposed to be. Right now I'm here and I'm trying. I couldn't do it without you! I will make it because you bring me joy!
- Thich Nhat Hanh
Thank you for making me smile today! Thank you for making sure I was good. Thank you for bringing me a joy when I don't know what to do! Next time I will take chicken soup too. Now let's just hope I can stay healthy. I need some joy from my friends. I need a Disney break. Life is going to work! I know it will. I have joy where I thought there would never be again. For now I will take the bits I get! It matters and you matter to me. If you are reading this then you matter to me! Time to live forward a bit more. Joy doesn't just come from one person in my day! Share a moment and somehow life happens!
Now I have more steps to take to keep the joy going. I'm trying. I keep working towards more in my life. I keep trying to combat my own weaknesses and grow. I will fight for the life I have been given. If that means I have to go for another round of doctors to find the source of my constant pain, I will. If I have to live with the pain I will. I will get my wish someday. I will make it where I'm supposed to be. Right now I'm here and I'm trying. I couldn't do it without you! I will make it because you bring me joy!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Binding Decisions
Every choice one makes either expands or contracts the area in which he can make and implement future decisions. When one makes a choice, he irrevocably binds himself to the consequences of that choice.
- Marion G. Romney
We all have to make choices that make up each day. We all live with the consequences of those choices. The worst thing you can ever do is not make a choice. To sit in the land of fluctuation does nothing for anyone. I make a thousand decisions a day. I don't always make the best decisions but I do decide. It didn't take me long to decide to accept Scott. I may have at time doubted where we were headed but I never doubted that I made the right decision for me. The decisions we made together will forever be in my heart. The smallest choice to paint a bedroom to the life altering decision to be together have made me the stronger person I am today.
This morning I had trouble deciding to even brush my teeth and what to wear. Why does it matter. I don't have anyone to impress but somehow I liked how I ended up looking today. The funny thing is I didn't even try yet I got many complements today on my hair. I'm lucky it was even dry. I'm lucky I put on makeup. It is funny the things that just happen because of routines. I wonder sometimes if that is how relationships come into being. It is just easy to be together so the decisions don't require many thoughts. The major decisions were never easy and sometimes the most trivial choice was hard. We had trouble deciding what to eat most days but falling in love was magic.
It seems like a funny place to be hanging out trying to make decisions alone. I like to have someone to bounce ideas with. It makes it more fun and don't so scared about life. I'm scared but I'm trying. I just wish the thought of getting out of bed wasn't so stressful. I wish the thought of going to bed was easier. I need to find the right decision to make sleep a much easier part of my life. I have ideas but I'm afraid. I know I not the only one that can make some of these choices. I have made my wish but apparently the time isn't right. The time to make a change isn't right. I'm tired of hanging out in this slow motion zone but it seems to be where I'm supposed to be right now. Uggg! Deep breath, make a list and find a place to be. I'm ready to give up some parts but they just seem to stick with me. The thing is it is okay to make a decision and make a change. Just because you make a choice doesn't mean it can't be altered to fit better into a life that is full of magic and wonder
That choice may be right or wrong. It does stick with you. It becomes a learning experience that makes you stronger. If it fits in one moment that doesn't mean that you have to keep that choice forever. I always end up with my food choices as examples. Over the years I have many things I don't like but I always keep trying new things. I didn't used to eat baked potatoes at all. I now like them but only a certain way. That is a life altering decision for me because I'm such a picky eater. It did change me. Maybe not in the way that marriage and babies do but I am different. Each choice I make from the smallest choice has a consequence.
I think about that everyday with Scott and his last day with me. I know the decisions he and I made that last day changed so many lives. I wish I could go back and make them different but I don't have that option. I can only make choices from here forward. I may choose to not date right now. Does that alter where my life is? Of course it does! I may choose to never date but I'm not making that decision right now. I could even change my mind and one day decide to eat cooked broccoli! That would changed my life. I may not notice all the changes my decisions make but I am effected each day just by the phone calls I make or what smile I share.
- Marion G. Romney
We all have to make choices that make up each day. We all live with the consequences of those choices. The worst thing you can ever do is not make a choice. To sit in the land of fluctuation does nothing for anyone. I make a thousand decisions a day. I don't always make the best decisions but I do decide. It didn't take me long to decide to accept Scott. I may have at time doubted where we were headed but I never doubted that I made the right decision for me. The decisions we made together will forever be in my heart. The smallest choice to paint a bedroom to the life altering decision to be together have made me the stronger person I am today.
This morning I had trouble deciding to even brush my teeth and what to wear. Why does it matter. I don't have anyone to impress but somehow I liked how I ended up looking today. The funny thing is I didn't even try yet I got many complements today on my hair. I'm lucky it was even dry. I'm lucky I put on makeup. It is funny the things that just happen because of routines. I wonder sometimes if that is how relationships come into being. It is just easy to be together so the decisions don't require many thoughts. The major decisions were never easy and sometimes the most trivial choice was hard. We had trouble deciding what to eat most days but falling in love was magic.
It seems like a funny place to be hanging out trying to make decisions alone. I like to have someone to bounce ideas with. It makes it more fun and don't so scared about life. I'm scared but I'm trying. I just wish the thought of getting out of bed wasn't so stressful. I wish the thought of going to bed was easier. I need to find the right decision to make sleep a much easier part of my life. I have ideas but I'm afraid. I know I not the only one that can make some of these choices. I have made my wish but apparently the time isn't right. The time to make a change isn't right. I'm tired of hanging out in this slow motion zone but it seems to be where I'm supposed to be right now. Uggg! Deep breath, make a list and find a place to be. I'm ready to give up some parts but they just seem to stick with me. The thing is it is okay to make a decision and make a change. Just because you make a choice doesn't mean it can't be altered to fit better into a life that is full of magic and wonder
That choice may be right or wrong. It does stick with you. It becomes a learning experience that makes you stronger. If it fits in one moment that doesn't mean that you have to keep that choice forever. I always end up with my food choices as examples. Over the years I have many things I don't like but I always keep trying new things. I didn't used to eat baked potatoes at all. I now like them but only a certain way. That is a life altering decision for me because I'm such a picky eater. It did change me. Maybe not in the way that marriage and babies do but I am different. Each choice I make from the smallest choice has a consequence.
I think about that everyday with Scott and his last day with me. I know the decisions he and I made that last day changed so many lives. I wish I could go back and make them different but I don't have that option. I can only make choices from here forward. I may choose to not date right now. Does that alter where my life is? Of course it does! I may choose to never date but I'm not making that decision right now. I could even change my mind and one day decide to eat cooked broccoli! That would changed my life. I may not notice all the changes my decisions make but I am effected each day just by the phone calls I make or what smile I share.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Shell Cracking
The shell must break before the bird can fly.
- Tennyson
I guess I need to keep chipping away from the inside if people keep helping from the outside. I'm not ready to even think about going to work tomorrow. I want to hide from the world. I need my break! I try to get into each day and make it further then I can but I'm tired and worn out. I want my wish to come true. I'm ready for my wish to come true. I hang on for Hannah. I have to hang on for Hannah. I'm really good at faking it but it is very tiring. So here I go on to another week.
Someday! I will get my wish! Someday my shell will break and this chicken may appear. But for now I'm still hiding. I made it today and I didn't have to leave the house. I will make it tomorrow and I will have to force myself to leave the house. I will plaster on my smile and make it until I can't go anymore. I will wear out again and I will find a way to recover. I always do I'm just tired of trying so hard to just make it. I want to live to the highest. I want to soar with my love to infinity and beyond. Time to try to sleep maybe I will make it to peace.
- Tennyson
I guess I need to keep chipping away from the inside if people keep helping from the outside. I'm not ready to even think about going to work tomorrow. I want to hide from the world. I need my break! I try to get into each day and make it further then I can but I'm tired and worn out. I want my wish to come true. I'm ready for my wish to come true. I hang on for Hannah. I have to hang on for Hannah. I'm really good at faking it but it is very tiring. So here I go on to another week.
Someday! I will get my wish! Someday my shell will break and this chicken may appear. But for now I'm still hiding. I made it today and I didn't have to leave the house. I will make it tomorrow and I will have to force myself to leave the house. I will plaster on my smile and make it until I can't go anymore. I will wear out again and I will find a way to recover. I always do I'm just tired of trying so hard to just make it. I want to live to the highest. I want to soar with my love to infinity and beyond. Time to try to sleep maybe I will make it to peace.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Give It Your All
People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be
shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind.
Think big anyway.
What you spend years building may
be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack if you help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have
and you might get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
- Anonymous
I will keep trying and I hope you all keep trying. Today my body has called it a day and it never even started. I do what I know to do and that is rest when I feel as if the world has kicked me down. I will keep making it forward but another day of rest. I awoke at 4:15 this afternoon, never having moved from where I ended last night when I went to bed. I'm not saying I went to sleep naturally but however I got there doesn't matter. Because I needed the rest. It wasn't peaceful sleep. It wasn't pleasant dreams but I did sleep. Normally I bother with the routines of hygiene even on PJ days but well lets just say that I'm the only one around who cares. I guess I feel a bit sorry for myself because I miss PJ day with Scott.
Who am I kidding there will never be another day in my life that I don't miss him but I keep going. I fight the battles and I did get at least get up and eat. I took care of the cats. I took care of my frontier. I visited with Hannah via text. I made homemade pizza for one. I planted myself in my spot on the love seat and curled up with a great BBC movie, Downton Abbey. The house is quiet and restful. I don't have much of an existence like before but I do keep living forward. It is my life and where I am. I have had a much needed R&R kind of day. It seems like after the weeks of work it is where I end up. I miss my life and my Love but I seem to be okay alone. I just don't care for it much when I know what life should really be like. I will keep giving it my best. Maybe someday I will get my wish! I've got a tiara waiting, he promised!
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest person with the biggest ideas can be
shot down by the smallest person with the smallest mind.
Think big anyway.
What you spend years building may
be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack if you help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have
and you might get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
- Anonymous
I will keep trying and I hope you all keep trying. Today my body has called it a day and it never even started. I do what I know to do and that is rest when I feel as if the world has kicked me down. I will keep making it forward but another day of rest. I awoke at 4:15 this afternoon, never having moved from where I ended last night when I went to bed. I'm not saying I went to sleep naturally but however I got there doesn't matter. Because I needed the rest. It wasn't peaceful sleep. It wasn't pleasant dreams but I did sleep. Normally I bother with the routines of hygiene even on PJ days but well lets just say that I'm the only one around who cares. I guess I feel a bit sorry for myself because I miss PJ day with Scott.
Who am I kidding there will never be another day in my life that I don't miss him but I keep going. I fight the battles and I did get at least get up and eat. I took care of the cats. I took care of my frontier. I visited with Hannah via text. I made homemade pizza for one. I planted myself in my spot on the love seat and curled up with a great BBC movie, Downton Abbey. The house is quiet and restful. I don't have much of an existence like before but I do keep living forward. It is my life and where I am. I have had a much needed R&R kind of day. It seems like after the weeks of work it is where I end up. I miss my life and my Love but I seem to be okay alone. I just don't care for it much when I know what life should really be like. I will keep giving it my best. Maybe someday I will get my wish! I've got a tiara waiting, he promised!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
With a Kiss
"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
-Ingrid Bergman
One of the thoughts in my head today. Well maybe for a few days now. Oh who am I kidding. I will always remember my last true kiss from Scott and then of course the teasing kiss right before he left the house. You know it is really hard to look back at text messages we shared the last week he was alive and know how much love for me was in his heart. To have that missing. Scott was the take control person in our relationship when it came to affection. I did at times but he always knew how to make everything in the world disappear with just one kiss at least for a moment. I doubt I will ever be as brave as he was. I doubt I would ever be able to just reach out and steal a kiss.
It is funny how the mind wanders through the maze of thoughts. I was looking at my saved texts to and from Scott this afternoon. I try not to do that very often but it is a true snapshot of the good times and bad for us. I can tell you he certainly earned Angel status before he left this Earth just by being in a relationship with me. I was the spoiled one and there are things I wish I could change but I know I can't do that for Scott. Maybe someday I will get a chance to take that first kiss and show just how much I learned by losing Scott. I know I can dig in my heals and be spoiled but I have learned that giving is so much more rewarding. The little things that drove me nuts don't matter anymore.
I want to be able to share my life again. I want to know the joy of that kiss that makes the rest of the world disappear. I want to be brave enough to open my arms when the time is right. I'm still scared to try but who knows what will be handed to me. I have learned that I'm less afraid to try new things (except don't mess with my food) but I will always have that fear of loss and rejection. So for now I settle for the memories that bring tears to my eyes for the loss but also for the tenderness of true emotion. I'm such a romantic. A romantic who is better off with the novels of a life that isn't possible to return. I'm afraid to even try.
Bleck I make myself nauseated thinking to deeply about love tonight. You know they always say if you fall off the horse you should get back on and try! I think my horse has run away and left me to walk home alone. In reading the texts today there was a moment when I said to Scott, "I can survive on my own. I don't have to depend on you to make me happy." His answer was "he couldn't. He needed me." I'm afraid to be needed that much again. I don't know if I could survive another heartbreak. I am stronger then I realize but I can't just step. I'm never going to be able to take that risk again, even though I miss sharing that closely with someone.
Oh the joy of irrational fears that aren't even a possibility yet! Go figure! Leave it to me to make an issue of a non issue! So back to my make believe world of books. Back to my dreams of being held and kissed again. Back to my own vivid imagination. If he is out there for me can you start easing him into my life a bit louder. I think if I have to wait 10 years to get there I won't bother.
-Ingrid Bergman
One of the thoughts in my head today. Well maybe for a few days now. Oh who am I kidding. I will always remember my last true kiss from Scott and then of course the teasing kiss right before he left the house. You know it is really hard to look back at text messages we shared the last week he was alive and know how much love for me was in his heart. To have that missing. Scott was the take control person in our relationship when it came to affection. I did at times but he always knew how to make everything in the world disappear with just one kiss at least for a moment. I doubt I will ever be as brave as he was. I doubt I would ever be able to just reach out and steal a kiss.
It is funny how the mind wanders through the maze of thoughts. I was looking at my saved texts to and from Scott this afternoon. I try not to do that very often but it is a true snapshot of the good times and bad for us. I can tell you he certainly earned Angel status before he left this Earth just by being in a relationship with me. I was the spoiled one and there are things I wish I could change but I know I can't do that for Scott. Maybe someday I will get a chance to take that first kiss and show just how much I learned by losing Scott. I know I can dig in my heals and be spoiled but I have learned that giving is so much more rewarding. The little things that drove me nuts don't matter anymore.
I want to be able to share my life again. I want to know the joy of that kiss that makes the rest of the world disappear. I want to be brave enough to open my arms when the time is right. I'm still scared to try but who knows what will be handed to me. I have learned that I'm less afraid to try new things (except don't mess with my food) but I will always have that fear of loss and rejection. So for now I settle for the memories that bring tears to my eyes for the loss but also for the tenderness of true emotion. I'm such a romantic. A romantic who is better off with the novels of a life that isn't possible to return. I'm afraid to even try.
Bleck I make myself nauseated thinking to deeply about love tonight. You know they always say if you fall off the horse you should get back on and try! I think my horse has run away and left me to walk home alone. In reading the texts today there was a moment when I said to Scott, "I can survive on my own. I don't have to depend on you to make me happy." His answer was "he couldn't. He needed me." I'm afraid to be needed that much again. I don't know if I could survive another heartbreak. I am stronger then I realize but I can't just step. I'm never going to be able to take that risk again, even though I miss sharing that closely with someone.
Oh the joy of irrational fears that aren't even a possibility yet! Go figure! Leave it to me to make an issue of a non issue! So back to my make believe world of books. Back to my dreams of being held and kissed again. Back to my own vivid imagination. If he is out there for me can you start easing him into my life a bit louder. I think if I have to wait 10 years to get there I won't bother.
Restlessness
This restless energy is soaring thru my body. I'm having this strong sensation that something isn't right. I've learned over the years to trust my instincts but this is more powerful. It is the power of knowing Scott something was wrong with Scott or the day I knew something was wrong with my dad and they rushed him in for open heart surgery. I have other times where I feel this. I'm trying to be positive and light hearted but really overwhelming. Ugg! It is not fun. I like to be wrong when I feel like this.
So I've tried distracting myself with tv, which made it worse. I played my FB game but couldn't concentrate. I've picked up my embroidery a dozen times and my hands don't feel like fine motor tasks. Reading, a bath, even, yes, housework to no avail. So here I am writing it all down trying to get it all out of my head. I even tried flirting with my flirty guy friend but he was nowhere to be found. It got worse with all the Steve Jobs stuff. At first, I was able to push it to the back of my mind but it keeps growing.
This feeling is different then a panic attack. My heart isn't racing and I can breathe. This is an immense feeling of sadness, loneliness, and worry. I'm able to worry with the best of them when I understand what there is to worry about. This is different. I've heard "my heart?!?" in my head several times now. Maybe I just need to stop and listen to him. Apparently I'm not going to be able to shut it out tonight. There is a reason. I don't feel irrational, paranoid any of those things. I've been smiling all day. Ugg. I believe in the power from beyond but sometimes the messages just aren't clear. Sometimes there are none. Oh wait I know what I haven't done - Meditation! I'm not about to medicate it doesn't really help anyway just makes me hungover. Okay this helped. Pardon my ramblings but I needed to find some coherent thought processes and words just seen to pour from my fingers.
So I've tried distracting myself with tv, which made it worse. I played my FB game but couldn't concentrate. I've picked up my embroidery a dozen times and my hands don't feel like fine motor tasks. Reading, a bath, even, yes, housework to no avail. So here I am writing it all down trying to get it all out of my head. I even tried flirting with my flirty guy friend but he was nowhere to be found. It got worse with all the Steve Jobs stuff. At first, I was able to push it to the back of my mind but it keeps growing.
This feeling is different then a panic attack. My heart isn't racing and I can breathe. This is an immense feeling of sadness, loneliness, and worry. I'm able to worry with the best of them when I understand what there is to worry about. This is different. I've heard "my heart?!?" in my head several times now. Maybe I just need to stop and listen to him. Apparently I'm not going to be able to shut it out tonight. There is a reason. I don't feel irrational, paranoid any of those things. I've been smiling all day. Ugg. I believe in the power from beyond but sometimes the messages just aren't clear. Sometimes there are none. Oh wait I know what I haven't done - Meditation! I'm not about to medicate it doesn't really help anyway just makes me hungover. Okay this helped. Pardon my ramblings but I needed to find some coherent thought processes and words just seen to pour from my fingers.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Follow Your Heart and Intuition
Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
- Walter Anderson
"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life,” Jobs said. “Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs 1955-2011
I know what I want to become. I really used to know but not the way I do now. Isn't it funny how the little moments that you take for granted turn into a choice you didn't want to make. When you are honest with yourself you know in your heart the right choice to make. Last night I cried myself to sleep once again. All the music I have loaded into my computer fits on my iPad so I turn on the iPod and let it shuffle. My Angelic DJ always tells me what I need to hear in that moment in time.
I drifted off to sleep at some point about three am. I wish I could really sleep but for the moment I was good being wrapped in a musical hug. There is something so magical about music for me. It put me in a calmer place to finally sleep. I went to a great dream. It was funny and silly but like I was in a story with so many people who care about me. Then something about a cute guy speaking in Spanish and blushing. Hey I like the pieces that are fun to remember. It is much better to feel that happiness come through in the dreams instead of the moments of fear and pain.
I know where I'm headed and today was another step in the right direction for my own sanity. I took the second step to make the changes I need to make for my life and my daughter. Making sure she is happy is the right place to be for me. The perk is if I get to find a peace and happiness for myself along the way. I like my dream visits that lead me where I know I need to be anyway but I ignore myself along the way. I must take the time and be honest with myself and the path I've been given. I know where I'm supposed to be. I know I have the vision to make the things happen. It doesn't have to be a news making, life changing moment for the world. It only matters that it changes my life for the better. It only matters that I get to have another door held open.
I can have my days to continue my grief process but I haven't let it become an all encompassing take over who I am situation. I know that I can smile and laugh because of a silly email, a post of a hug and a silent smile with a hint of mischief. That is who I was before with Scott, there's is no reason I can't be that now. My life path changed, my soul changed but my heart is still as big as always. I have the courage to follow my heart and intuition for myself! If you want to join me company is always welcome! I can make a difference for myself.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Out Here On My Own
Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in.
Make believin' is hard alone,
Out here on my own
We're always provin' who we are
Always reachin' for the risin' star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own
When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you
Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears
I've never shown
Out here on my own
When I'm down and feelin' blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you
Sometimes I wonder where I've been
Who I am
Do I fit in
I may not win
But I can't be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own
Lyrics to "Out Here On My Own" sung by Irene Cara in Fame
Today it has been a rough day but I tried. I made it to the end of the day on my own with a lot of help from my friends. This morning I woke up to the image on FB from a dear friend like a message from beyond. I was teary and tired all day. Eighteen months and I'm hanging on because of moments like these. I like the moments where a phone call makes me smile and laugh. When the conversation makes my loss seem smaller and just part of my being. Isn't that where I am supposed to be headed?
I did my life today. It wasn't easy. I didn't hide and I let myself be stuck with a really long needle. Great way to cry when you've been trying not to all day. I can't explain why something I'm prepared for doesn't seem like it should be so hard but it is. I did it though! I worked today. Maybe I shouldn't have but my other choice was to medicate for the panic and sleep all day. I can't do that for the rest of my life. I have to survive. I have to live. I have to take a chance on life. Each moment of each day matters. I know I'm not the only one who has hurdles. If we don't support each other then what does that do for us.
After the giant needle the med even though just a vitamin makes me hurt for the first 24 hours. That kind of pain is so much easier to fight through and ignore. The pain in my heart just keeps coming back as I keep pushing it back. I know Scott is proud of me. Combating the personal demons that make us all human is part of our individual journeys to other side.
As I was laying here on the couch enjoying time with my beautiful daughter with our weekly Gleek time, the song "Out Here On My Own" came on. This is a song from my life. I know all the words. I'm a product of the 80's, I'd better. As it plays I'm singing along when I actually hear the words for today. We each have people who support us but there are moments when we are the only one who can help ourselves. Today I'm the only one who can find the spots that make me believe I matter. To find the conversations that give me hope, the moments of that make me know I matter and I am loved. I prefer to not have some months but I know I have to face March, June, October and December and possibly somewhere it will get easier as I continue to grow old and feeble. As my time to cross that bridge of light and loves comes nearer. It doesn't appear to be today because apparently, "I'M RIGHT WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE!"
There will never truly be a day that I'm out here on my own! How can I be when I am loved by so many and know the greatest love possible. I want to share that type of love again because Scott gave me the gift to share. He taught me that love is best when given freely. Eighteen months and counting!
Monday, October 3, 2011
Stained Glass
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Amazing that I have had to find that inner light to make life happen for me. Tomorrow is a rough day. 18 months of a life I really don't want to be trapped in. I miss so much. I miss that laughter and love, the fights and making up. I have a life that is half of where my dreams used to be. I'm getting there but I know it will never be the same. I can live forward. I am living forward into a different life. I can't have the life I dreamed but my life is forming into new dreams.
I like the moments that I realize my light is shining from within. I like to know that I a smile that finds joy in silly little moments of the day. I'm still making some more changes. I have some decisions to make and I'm making them as the doors and windows open to me. I know me and I can tell you I'm not sorry that I am who I am. I know there are a few people I need to remove from my life and the only way I can do that is step forward into my own changes.
There will be moments where I have to fight to find the light to let my beauty shine through but I keep trying. I will make it with each moment and gift I receive. Each moment I have to look towards protecting my own heart. I'm just sorry that I have to become somewhat more closed because that is not who I am. I live life with my heart on my sleeve but maybe it is time to back step to caution to find a way to make my sparkle remain brilliant. I wish Scott were here. He was always my protector. He hated to see me hurting. I know he didn't leave me on purpose but he sure needs to work from the great beyond to surround me with light and love. My afternoon was fun but I'm fighting the darkness to keep living, to keep shining. I feel so at loss. I know I need to hold on tight but the glue feels like it is losing it's stick.
I know there is always another path. It may not be the one I expected or wanted but I'm trying to forge ahead. I have to face the moments of darkness to see the beauty in the light. I will get my wish. I hope it is soon because my fingers are slipping and my strength is faltering. I have to make it. I just need to be held up over the next few weeks. I have the strength to hold up others but not myself. I don't understand but I'm trying to focus on myself and not others petty behaviors. I need to look up and find my love. I need him and I think I've been ignoring the signs that he does continue to guide me into the light and love.
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Amazing that I have had to find that inner light to make life happen for me. Tomorrow is a rough day. 18 months of a life I really don't want to be trapped in. I miss so much. I miss that laughter and love, the fights and making up. I have a life that is half of where my dreams used to be. I'm getting there but I know it will never be the same. I can live forward. I am living forward into a different life. I can't have the life I dreamed but my life is forming into new dreams.
I like the moments that I realize my light is shining from within. I like to know that I a smile that finds joy in silly little moments of the day. I'm still making some more changes. I have some decisions to make and I'm making them as the doors and windows open to me. I know me and I can tell you I'm not sorry that I am who I am. I know there are a few people I need to remove from my life and the only way I can do that is step forward into my own changes.
There will be moments where I have to fight to find the light to let my beauty shine through but I keep trying. I will make it with each moment and gift I receive. Each moment I have to look towards protecting my own heart. I'm just sorry that I have to become somewhat more closed because that is not who I am. I live life with my heart on my sleeve but maybe it is time to back step to caution to find a way to make my sparkle remain brilliant. I wish Scott were here. He was always my protector. He hated to see me hurting. I know he didn't leave me on purpose but he sure needs to work from the great beyond to surround me with light and love. My afternoon was fun but I'm fighting the darkness to keep living, to keep shining. I feel so at loss. I know I need to hold on tight but the glue feels like it is losing it's stick.
I know there is always another path. It may not be the one I expected or wanted but I'm trying to forge ahead. I have to face the moments of darkness to see the beauty in the light. I will get my wish. I hope it is soon because my fingers are slipping and my strength is faltering. I have to make it. I just need to be held up over the next few weeks. I have the strength to hold up others but not myself. I don't understand but I'm trying to focus on myself and not others petty behaviors. I need to look up and find my love. I need him and I think I've been ignoring the signs that he does continue to guide me into the light and love.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Commitment to Right
Who indeed can harm you if you are committed deeply to doing what is right?
- I Peter
I don't know how else to be. I want to do what is right but I'm only able to do my part. I can't force others around me to do the same. I just keep going. I struggle with the panic attacks and paranoia that accompany those people who think they can get away with doing whatever they want. I know the things that others do are beyond my control. I have to work at continuing to do what I know is right in my heart.
I want to be able to keep living and reach the rainbow bridge knowing I have achieved where I'm supposed to be. I want that castle in the sky to be a magical homecoming with my love. I know it matters that I follow my heart. I know where I am supposed to be and how to make the right choices for me. I tired of feeling panic and dread when others don't think they have to follow the same rules or when others make up their own rules to not do their jobs.
I want to live and enjoy my life. I want to focus on being happy and feeling love. I would much rather smile and keep living forward. I'm not made to live a life of drama. Soap opera's aren't my choice for my life. I'd much rather prefer a romantic comedy. I like the feeling of happiness. I'm in a very strange place tonight. I don't feel well. I feel as if my life is at an odd junction. I don't know why but there is something in the air for me. I'm afraid of life again. Maybe because this is another week of power and emotion. Not just for me but a very dear friend. I'm tired of battling these moments of milestones. I just want to be happy but I know the memories will attach when I least expect them. I'm hoping for tomorrow to be a day to look forward to at least in the late afternoon. I want to smile and laugh.
I keep praying to be surrounded by light and love, to be protected and guided in the right direction and to know the love is always with me. I have to have the strength to make it. I just have to refocus on my own priorities and keep my goals my own.
- I Peter
I don't know how else to be. I want to do what is right but I'm only able to do my part. I can't force others around me to do the same. I just keep going. I struggle with the panic attacks and paranoia that accompany those people who think they can get away with doing whatever they want. I know the things that others do are beyond my control. I have to work at continuing to do what I know is right in my heart.
I want to be able to keep living and reach the rainbow bridge knowing I have achieved where I'm supposed to be. I want that castle in the sky to be a magical homecoming with my love. I know it matters that I follow my heart. I know where I am supposed to be and how to make the right choices for me. I tired of feeling panic and dread when others don't think they have to follow the same rules or when others make up their own rules to not do their jobs.
I want to live and enjoy my life. I want to focus on being happy and feeling love. I would much rather smile and keep living forward. I'm not made to live a life of drama. Soap opera's aren't my choice for my life. I'd much rather prefer a romantic comedy. I like the feeling of happiness. I'm in a very strange place tonight. I don't feel well. I feel as if my life is at an odd junction. I don't know why but there is something in the air for me. I'm afraid of life again. Maybe because this is another week of power and emotion. Not just for me but a very dear friend. I'm tired of battling these moments of milestones. I just want to be happy but I know the memories will attach when I least expect them. I'm hoping for tomorrow to be a day to look forward to at least in the late afternoon. I want to smile and laugh.
I keep praying to be surrounded by light and love, to be protected and guided in the right direction and to know the love is always with me. I have to have the strength to make it. I just have to refocus on my own priorities and keep my goals my own.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Prince Charming
A loud splash in my pool in the dark as I sit on the back patio brings my prince into my life. My frog/toad prince that is. I'm good with that. It seems like another one of those moments where Scott is around. He was my hero to fish things out of the pool. Snakes, giant live turtles, dead critters, the cat and he even got my frog prince out of the pool several times. I feel like he's here. I take those moments and I'm good with it. If that is all I have then I happy with my life. I'm sitting here home alone enjoying my day and I don't feel alone. I miss him and that makes me cry but then the music happens.
Yesterday I had a morning to do things alone. I know I wasn't alone because several people let me know they were there when I needed them and I'm sure a few that were but kept a step back. On my way to take the kitten to the vet for her fixing that didn't happen the radio again played the Tchaikovsky music for Sleeping Beauty. I've been sticking to the classic station on the satellite radio and I still find him with me. As I'm driving there is a dead palm frond laying in the middle of the road. I drop the kitten off and head to my appointment. I survived and the good news is I'm still waiting for the complete results but my portal vein was flowing.
My day was surrounded by light and love. I worked and made it to the point in my day where I could go do the things I needed to do. I'm very tired of everybody thinking my work days should be centered around the drama they create but are too lazy to clean up. I drove to Bremond on the beautiful sunny Texas afternoon. It took all my stress away. I had the best afternoon. It made me remember why I love my job and what I love about my job. On the way home I feel like I got another message in the form of a Caddy with something in it's trunk that shouldn't have been. Like a message to talk to a friend. I like it when that friend makes me smile, laugh and let's me be me.
Date night with Hannah was perfect. I know how blessed I am to have her in my life. I know I don't need a Prince Charming in my life but as Hannah and I were talking about the power of pets and touch I knew I was wrong. Each relationship in life happens for a different meaning. I don't have to give up on my fairytale dreams. I will make it into my tomorrow. So if that splash in the dark on a very peaceful night is a reminder of my hero, I will take it. If a friend makes me laugh and smile, I will take it. If my daughter loves to share with me when she knows I need it, I will take it. I am finding myself. I like who I am and if that makes a difference in someone else's life, I will take it!!
Yesterday I had a morning to do things alone. I know I wasn't alone because several people let me know they were there when I needed them and I'm sure a few that were but kept a step back. On my way to take the kitten to the vet for her fixing that didn't happen the radio again played the Tchaikovsky music for Sleeping Beauty. I've been sticking to the classic station on the satellite radio and I still find him with me. As I'm driving there is a dead palm frond laying in the middle of the road. I drop the kitten off and head to my appointment. I survived and the good news is I'm still waiting for the complete results but my portal vein was flowing.
My day was surrounded by light and love. I worked and made it to the point in my day where I could go do the things I needed to do. I'm very tired of everybody thinking my work days should be centered around the drama they create but are too lazy to clean up. I drove to Bremond on the beautiful sunny Texas afternoon. It took all my stress away. I had the best afternoon. It made me remember why I love my job and what I love about my job. On the way home I feel like I got another message in the form of a Caddy with something in it's trunk that shouldn't have been. Like a message to talk to a friend. I like it when that friend makes me smile, laugh and let's me be me.
Date night with Hannah was perfect. I know how blessed I am to have her in my life. I know I don't need a Prince Charming in my life but as Hannah and I were talking about the power of pets and touch I knew I was wrong. Each relationship in life happens for a different meaning. I don't have to give up on my fairytale dreams. I will make it into my tomorrow. So if that splash in the dark on a very peaceful night is a reminder of my hero, I will take it. If a friend makes me laugh and smile, I will take it. If my daughter loves to share with me when she knows I need it, I will take it. I am finding myself. I like who I am and if that makes a difference in someone else's life, I will take it!!
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