Spirits

Last night was nail biting and wild. It was the best game all season and I sat next to the "empty" seat once again. He is there. My Mom and stepBob came to the game with me and we all agree that one of Scott's places of Heaven has to be at football games. His passion of life. He is there. I can feel his energy with me.

I know some people may think I'm off my rocker but since my psychologist doesn't I'm not in the looney bin. Tonight I remember what we did last time this year. The hayride we took Laynie on with the resident's at my work. He got cold so he "fell off" and rode in the truck following us. We had so much fun. It was a beautiful evening and then we spent a wonderful weekend home together. We always had so much fun together. I miss that so very much.

I try to fill the hours and the days. I'm invited places and I could have gone but I think it is okay to have some time alone. I'm not sure what I'm doing and it can become hard to endure but I need a break from being around others. Tonight I sit like the crazy cat lady with my beautiful loving kitty snuggling me and watching movies. I try to pick things that won't be huge reminders but I've come to the conclusion that "what might have been" always begins to play in my head. I didn't put up any of the Halloween decorations and tomorrow the lights will stay out and I will hide.

Last year we hid because we didn't have the girls. He was so good at romance. We always came up with the crazy fun things to do. I have the best memories that I treasue. It still doesn't stop the tears and I can't live in the past but that seems to be where I will be stuck for some time. Moving on is happening slowly but it is like watching water boil. I don't really want to move on right now so slow is fine by me.

I have a large gap in my world and I don't know what to plant there. I will continue being me. I will figure out where I'm supposed to be, right now I backstep to the couch and hang out watching old movies. I did however cook for myself tonight but only because I didn't have the energy to leave the house. I miss my partner, my love, and the future that will never be. What a way to celebrate Halloween, with my own personal spirit. His love continues to surround me, protect me, and guide me to where I'm not sure. I embrace the thought that someday we will be together again.

Sparkles of Promises

Another day another dollar. Or should I say another counseling session. I like that I'm moving not so stagnent but I would be really afraid if anyone followed me around to see all the things that have changed in my life. I know I'm a different person then I was on the morning of April 4, 2010. I will never be the same.

From the Meditation book

"Because of her, he had learned to look for the birds - the darting flight of wild canaries (yellow sun on yellow wings), the chesty preening of redbirds and bluebirds, the blackbird with the red-tipped wings like startling epaulets." - Terry Kay

The author then talks about what the loved ones we have lost have given to us. The memories and lessons we have learned. Scott lives on in my memories and things we have learned together. He lives on in the energy and love he holds in the afterlife.

Tonight I will be continuing my journey. I made it through today. I prayed for others. I lived this day and now I go to bed and think of the past, the present and the future just as my engagement ring promises me in each sparkle of the diamonds. It is my promise from him to infinity and beyond. I may have to have many more sleeps before we can be in the same realm again but I will continue living each day because I'm not promised anymore then that. Now if I could sleep, really sleep that would be a huge step forward.

Books of help

Just one of those days. I'm so worn out today. I wish I could stay in bed when I wanted and hide from the world. It is just one of those days where everything was overwhelming. It doesn't help to have 5 speech therapy evals plus all the management duties. It was one of those days where my to do list didn't fit with what everyone else wanted. I just smile and try to reach a point that I can get to where the stuff I needed to do at least got a few pieces completed. Small tasks in itty bitty pieces.

Daily Meditation book.

"To read the words of others who have gone through grief is another way of keeping the process going, and of finding another understanding friend. When a writer describes for me how I am feeling, she or he becomes my friend; I am not alone. Somehow that person has achieved some peace with the pain, enough to write it down. Maybe I, too, will find my way through this." - Martha Whitmore Hickman

Yes I think that is exactly what I have done. From the very beginning I tried to find words that would help me understand or find that others could tell me what I was feeling. Then in search of words for my own feelings I started writing here. As the months have passed the feelings are all still here. There's not a day goes by that I don't have tears but finding answers just doesn't ever seem possible. I will find a way with each new day that I am given to walk. Today I was exhausted but I got through the day. I made it there. I go into autopilot but that works for me too.

So now I resort back to comfort mode. PJ's, facebook games and the TV. I'm just sad that iCarly and House Hunters aren't on right now. Tonight I will go to bed with the pillows on Scott's side of the bed and one of his tshirts covering a pillow. I sometimes put on his deoderant to have his scent with me. I'm not handling Halloween very well. I'm prepared to hole up in the dark and never have to answer the door. Now if my family would let me get away with that at Christmas and Thanksgiving then I'd be okay with that. I'm trying to find the Magic these used to offer but it may be a long time before that happens ever again.

One moment at time, I will journey forward.

Riverbend

Wow what a day. Busy, busy, busy doesn't begin to describe my day. Visitors at work today from corporate - nothing bad. The hardest part was this am one of my coworkers passed away. She had a mild heart attack last week, was back at work but this morning she was gone. I can't even begin to tell you how I feel like the grim reaper and I'm not the one who has any say in the matter. I wish I did but well Scott had a saying for wishes that I can't repeat.

I have to say the emotions of death are so overwhelming as it continues to happen to so many wonderful people that I'm numb again. I feel so callous because of the numbness but if I open up to all of the emotions I would be in a straight-jacket and that doesn't help anyone.

I got through the day. There are so many people effected these days. I'm not alone but the message for all this death around me isn't so clear. I need step by step instructions on life these days but it's okay if I flounder some more. I'm still taking baby steps. I'm at least past the only goal of getting out of bed each day. That has to count for something. Please tell me that is a huge step!

Tonight Hannah and I went to eat dinner at my friend Lisa's home. Her two little girls are so attached to Hannah. It is so funny to see the youngest being the age Hannah was when Lisa and I met. They grow so fast. I'm so very lucky to have such amazing people in my life. Supporting me when I need it most but letting me explore what works for me to make the steps to survive. One day I will do more then just survive. I will find a way to the strong person Scott told me I am and all of you keep telling me I am. This is my personal journey, my personal story. Each of us have steps to take. I continue to take mine just with no idea what is around the riverbend.

Life should be a boardgame

Nope still can't figure out how to not have tears at the oddest times but it helps so I know I'm functional. Today started out as a crazy Monday and well continued to be a crazy Monday. I think my job title should be Political Director but I get paid well to smooth feathers and make sure people are on task. I hope I'm good at it for the most part.

From the Grief Meditation book -

"We have only to believe. And the more threatening and irreducible reality appears, the more firmly and desperately must we believe. Then, little by little, we shall see the universal horror unbend, and then smile upon us, and then take us in its more than human arms." - Theilhard De Chardin

Yes I choose to believe in God and the arms that have held me up through all of this. I choose to believe that at death the energy that is our soul continues to surround those we love. Life on Earth can't be the end. We all have people we meet that we feel as if we have a connection that transcends words. I have met many people like that in my life but Scott was by far the deepest. I believe our souls have been together and will always continue to find each other. If I don't believe in that then what would be the purpose of all of us just hanging out here on Earth for what is really a limited time? What would be the purpose of developing all of these new technologies and skills? Nope we have to live for a purpose that we don't see. I have to believe or what would be my point. I'm a goal oriented person and I don't know what the ultimate plan is for my soul through all this grief but I find kindness, loving and caring are much better then anger, blaming and hiding.

I am surviving with tears that make living bearable. I love Scott. He is part of my soul but he has given me so many new people to connect with and love. I'm trying to be there for others and still take care of my poor broken soul. The hole in my heart will never heal but I'm learning day by day to live around it. That's all we can ever hope for in this journey we call life. Too bad it isn't as easy as spinning the little wheel, moving your car and filling it with plastic people.

Questioning Parts of Faith

My dear friend Lisa completed her ordination today for her church. She invited Hannah and I to attend. Yesterday had been a long day but I couldn't stay at home and not go. Lisa has been one of those people who has walked beside me, holding my hand through the last six months. Hannah and I were there. I sat down into a very small welcoming church and immediately began to cry. I felt the peace and joy of this day before Lisa even arrived.

The parable was about being the best teacher you can be, except in the end it wasn't just about the classroom but life and your own children. I sat there holding Hannah's hand with tears rolling down my face. Hannah is my reason for being here. I have to get her to the amazing person I know she is and will be. She has a strength and wisdom inside her that I can only dream of possessing. My life is about her. I don't care about meeting someone else or doing anything else right now. I can provide for her and get her to where she can take care of herself. After that happens I can be whatever or do whatever. It won't matter then.

As I sat in Church I realized, I finally realized who I'm mad at. Who I don't want to hear anything about. I've not been mad at God or Scott. I'm mad because Scott died on Easter Sunday. I'm want to hear nothing about Jesus. I pray to God but I can't even acknowledge Jesus. I have my faith. It has been deeply sewn into the fabric of my existence. I can believe that God does exist but I don't want to hear about Jesus. His story, his journey, his death. Scott died a death that was horrible and he was alone. Why would that be allowed to happen. Why did he have to die that way. What was the point. I want answers that I know will never come. I feel God's love and light. I know Scott is part of his love and light but really Easter Sunday.

Why weren't we given a chance to do more with our life together? I know we always said that we took a leap of faith to be together. That we didn't want to die knowing that we didn't share our love with others. We got to do that. I know we did so much. I know everyone who saw us knew that but the time was not long enough. Now I can only have the knowledge that I'm here for Hannah. That she is my reason for being here. I will continue in my spiritual journey and path. That is something very deep and personal that it hard to share with others. Today I watched one of my dearest friends, one of the other people I'm connected, put her faith in God. I've done that too but there are some parts of faith that I will continue to do battle with for the rest of my life.

Baseball and Football

So if you don't think some kind of amazing energy is afoot when the Rangers land a spot in the World Series, I'm not sure what planet you come from. For me it just seems a bit more is going on in the world. We had tickets to the home opener of the Rangers in April. We were supposed to be there the night we had Scott's visitation. I still have those unused tickets. He loved the games! All games, all stats from players and teams. He could spout it all out to you and leave you in the dust. Yes most definitely someone is enjoying some baseball in Heaven. I have firmly decided that Heaven is what makes you happiest. You get to do what you want and be where you want. I do think Scott's is enjoying himself. Now I will really know something is up if Pete Rose's past goes away and he gets to go to the Baseball Hall of Fame. If that happened I'd have to make a pilgrimage to Cooperstown just for Scott.

So once again I sat in a stadium full of people and an empty seat next to me. Watching and cheering on the Panthers to another win tonight. I'm not sure I can explain the seasons for the Cowboys or the Longhorns but he did enjoy seeing them win when he was in his body. I look forward to Football Fridays and the strange sense of well-being that descends over me. I feel that energy, that aura in the air that I can't describe with words that do it justice.

So now I head to bed and once again hope and prayer for Scott's love to find me in my dreams. I love waking to knowing I got visit even if only in my dreams. His energy, spirit, soul is very powerful. He always figures out how to get what he wants! That's how I know how much he loves me!

Word Puzzles

Trying to put feelings into words isn't always easy.

This is what keeps going through my head

"Adore Always,
Remember Forever,
Love to Infinty and Beyond"

Those words are so very powerful. Does it put emotions into words. Does it say it all? My heart tells me yes. Not just for me but for the most amazing man. He had his faults but don't we all.

How do you capture something that will be for generations beyond the here and now? We all have family members that have gone on. In my family we don't worship at the grave but we honor the memory. I doubt I will ever see my Grandparents burial spots again but Grandma chose something that does have a place of honor for all of us and the generations to come. I've been to my other grandparents cemetery plot many times because that is what my Aunt and I did. I know my family history walking through the cemeteries and seeing the generations that have come before me. It is silly but Scott and I would drive past old cemeteries and talk about stopping because we were fascinated with the history, the legacy left behind. Someday that will be me too.

We all have a history. We all have a place in this life that forms the future generations whether we ever got to meet them or not. Geneology is amazing. Scott was fascinated with the topic. He wanted to know his family history but also his biological history. He didn't take the step to do that but I'm sure all of his questions have now been answered. In the circle of life we do matter but most of our daily trials and tribulations do not. Taking the equation of love and offering it forward whether we always see eye to eye is our lasting legacy. I could choose to be angry and mad at circumstances and lifes inequities but I work with what I have been given. Money, a nice house, a fancy car and a pool in the backyard don't make me a better person. The love I have for Scott, our daughters and so many others is the legacy I want to leave behind. Scott's legacy was also love. He loved life and spread that gift to so many others. We all deserve the chance to honor his life, to remember his love.

"It will be Okay! I love you!" The words hurt but I'm honored to know those were his last words to me. That I was the last person he spoke to still hurts but he only had words of love! What is more powerful then that? Nothing that I can think of.

Peace and Love

It is amazing to me how we are all interconnected to others. I had grief support group this afternoon and I can tell you how amazing the support and conncections this group provides. Today we talked about religion and how we use prayer to get to our own acceptance of the horrible events in our lives. I can tell you that the way I pray has changed. The power of prayer has seemed to increase my tolerance of crap and bs because it doesn't matter. I do still get frustrated sometimes but then I say a little prayer not for myself but for others and I move forward. I know in this journey it can seem to others that I am self-centered and only focused on my own needs but that is so far from the truth. I just take more things with a grain of salt and move to what my heart and soul tell me are the right things to do. I have walked this path with a prayer for love and guidance from God and Scott. I have made decisions with this natural instinct that I don't always understand. I may not do what everyone thinks I should do but I do what feels right.

I have a patient in my new job that had a massive stroke. She has had very little speech but demonstrates the ability to understand. Today she was brought into the gym. I smiled at her and asked her how she was doing. She bloomed right before my eyes. I could feel the love from her and the connection we have formed without words. She then tried to answer my questions and I could read her lips to understand. I love this gift. Yes it is a gift I have. I don't always take credit but I have many patients I have connected to over the years when others don't take the time to find someone is still there. Scott used to get so mad when I wouldn't acknowledge or shrug it off but today as I was talking to this patient I could feel Scott's arms around me. He had this amazing gift that far outshines anything I may have. I could imagine the connection he would have made with this beautiful lady. With that knowledge I think my prayers to be surrounded by love and light does get answered.

I have to start each day with this prayer so that I can move out into the world of others to pass along the gifts I have received. Scott's love for me was a gift. When we would argue he would tell me, "don't give up on me. You are the love I've been looking for and we can do this." He was right. I still can't give up on him because he is the love I was looking for. Each day we had together was a gift. I hate to say we took some of them for granted but we did truly live a life dreams are made. I don't know how to top that but I do know how to pass the love in my heart along to others. If that happens with a smile, a kind word, a gift of my skills/knowledge or giving others a way to remember Scott as the man he'd become with me then I have moved my own soul to another level. Hopefully someday that means Scott and I get to exsist in the same realm again. I hope others can find the peace to look beyond things they think are worth being angry over and find the common ground in love.

Just Press Play

I'm so tired but I'm making it. I can't believe how I'm making it on so very little sleep. I still don't sleep well. I'm not sure if I ever will. I take my meds to get to sleep but I'm awake after about 4 hours. No matter what I do something wakes me up. It then becomes a matter of turning off my brain. Well okay those buttons just don't exist. Nope I'm not able to find the stop, pause, fast forward or rewind buttons.

"As the months pass and the seasons change, something of tranquillity descends, and although the well-remembered footstep will not sound again, nor the voice call from the room beyond, there seems to be about one in the air an atmosphere of love, a living presence...IT is as though one shared, in some indefinable manner, the freedom and the peace, even at times the joy, of another world where there is no more pain...The feeling is simply there, pervading all thought, all action. When Christ the healer said, "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted," he must have meant just this." - Daphne Du Maurier

Yes this is so very true. I feel his embrace in the strangest settings and at the strangest times. I feel others reach out to me to assist. My story is as old as man. The journey after the loss of love into God's arms. I'm not alone in this journey but it is my path to take. There is no cookbook and I have no way to explain what happens each day. I'm learning to make it but the feeling of Scott's love is always with me. Some moments are stronger then others but I'm not alone even when I feel alone in a crowd of people.

I'm here because I have a road to continue to travel. It's just not as much fun as it used to be. This isn't the life I chose to live but I don't get a say in the matter. I get a say in how I continue to journey on this detour.

No promises

Are there enough hours on the weekend. I don't think so but then again if there were I'd never leave the house. I'm trying to keep up and be involved in life but it is so easy to hide. I still have support but the constant checking is fading and I'm fading into myself more and more. I'm hard on myself but the life we had was so viable and vibrant. We rarely stopped. There was always something going on in our life. We had planned so much out. We had planned so far out and I'm hitting all these dates for events.

We are given no promises in life. I know I have to keep moving and going for Hannah. It is very sad that for myself just doesn't matter to me anymore. I am still battling the depression. I really don't ever seeing it going away with all of the events that have crossed my life. I have questions everyday and there will really be no answers while I'm still here. I can't get there yet but someday.

Is it horrible that I want to fade away and float up to the love of forever? I just continue to do what I can do with each day I'm given. I know if our roles would have been reversed, if I had died during that surgery that Scott would have been devastated too. I know that because we talked about it all so many times. We shared everything. We kept no secrets and loved to infinity and beyond. It just the sound of his voice and the touch of his hand being gone makes enjoying life a chore I have to force myself to endure.

I watched Hannah's netflix selection last night, REMEMBER ME with Robert Pattinson. I wasn't prepared for the entire story, the end! I sob and sob. How do I select a headstone that means something to Laynie and Hannah? How do I keep his memory going for Laynie? The three years we had together as our family are full of memories of that she needs to keep, that only Hannah and I can give her. The details of swimming in the ocean, seeing the turtles, playing pirate, reading in bed and all the other little things that make up the love he has for her. I know we all want him to be here in person. I do get angry and I do yell at him for walking out of this house but it doesn't change anything. I don't feel sorry for myself I do however continue to feel lost.

I know it won't ever go away. It won't really be easier but I will learn to hide it better from all of the rest of the world. Faking it until you make it to those looking at me but not in my heart. My lonely heart knows the power of true love and having that ripped away in what was supposed to be the happiest time of my life! I get to be sad and cry. I will fake it for the rest of you but sitting here on the couch alone means I get to cry whenever I want. I miss our day to day life. I miss our weekends with the girls. I miss the weekends of just the two of us and all the days in between. Going from being together all the time to having so little is a huge daily struggle. I'm trying but not always getting there.

Sands of Time

I sit here watching movies alone. It certainly helps pass the time. Yesterday was hard and very lonely. That is what I feel these days - lonely. Even in a football stadium filled with many thousands of people I feel alone. Scott's seat was empty next to me but he was there. How could he not be with a team like that. Things still happen that I can't explain.

How can a friend send me a gift of a Buzz Lightyear nightlight and it arrive on my day of so many memories in my life? It sent me to a breakdown. So many should have and could have and whys fill my life. Even when I try to stop them I'm thrown into the life of something that isn't my choosing and I'm so not happy with my destiny but I don't get a say. I'm really frustrated and angry with this whole free will thing. I'm really thinking I'm just a little doll that gets moved around. Just like in Toy Story where the toys come to life and think for themselves and move around. This script isn't for me. I want a rewrite.

Today I went with my friend, Rhonda to lunch and then to see our girls play their clarinets in the UIL region band contest. While we sat watching one of the bands formed a heart. She looked and me and said "he is here with you!" Always I know it is always. Then a bit later a butterfly landed on her middle daughter's shoulder and she said, "My Mom is here with us!" The butterfly sat on Emily for a few minutes facing out as if watching the show. Yes her Mom was with us too!

Then I came home and have been alone again. Doing my favorite things, sitting on the couch, playing games on facebook, watching movies. I rented Prince of Persia - Sands of Time. Oh how I wish it were possible to make time return. Why does the movie get to portray him losing his love and then being able to turn back time to get her back again? To change the world? I want magical powers. I want gifts that we must possess we just don't know how to harness them. Life is never going to be easy for me. Life is never going to be that perfect love again. We were perfect for each other. We had magic. He still loves me and I don't have free will. I don't get what I want. I want to stamp my foot, wiggle my nose, blink my eyes and make it all change. Instead I get fake smiles, tears behind closed doors and a large quiet house with only me for company. It's not okay. It will never be okay. Someday I will have fewer tears but not today.

Happy Anniversary

Yes tomorrow is a day of irony. 16 years ago Mike and I married in a beautiful ceremony with all of our friends and family surrounding us. Then flash foward to last year and the paperwork that Scott signed naming me as his wife is dated. The paperwork that was the formal proof that yes indeed he considered me his wife. I'm so sorry that we didn't get to live our lives to the full length that everyone else gets.

I spent the end of the day doing something Scott wanted setup months ago. I did the financial planning to the best of my ability with the help of someone Scott trusted. The person he ran into in the grocery store and gushed about us. I can see my excited man looking like a little boy talking about the future. I love hearing others tell of how he talked about us. It isn't fair but I don't get to complain because there are people with a whole lot worse things that happen.

I get to see the joy in his face as we joined our cell phone plans together on Oct 15, 2008. The joy of saying yes she is my wife as he signs the paperwork for our insurance policy. The excitement when he asks Betsy to tell him the specifics of doing a formal wedding ceremony and she tells him do you take her and he says yes. She then tells him that's all it takes you are married.

Why is it that Oct 15 gets so much power in my life. It hasn't been on purpose. It is the irony of the situation. Tomorrow I will spend the evening of my anniversary with Mike and his wife at the football game. Where Scott wanted to be. Where he will be sitting in that empty seat next to me. I planned for the finacial futures of Hannah and Laynie today. I set up accounts for them to have money for college or weddings or whatever else happens that they need to be taken care of in the future. The way Scott planned it to be. I can't erase Oct 15 but I can celebrate all of the memories. I can still celebrate my marriage to Mike because it gave us Hannah. I can celebrate the time Scott and I had in human form and know that someday we get our castle filled with love to infinity and beyond.

Miles of Memories

I hate the days where I wake up sad. I'm feel so out of balance. But you see I get the hang of it, I just text a friend and get a smile. Ahh the joys of friends. They always know what to say to make you smile.

"Saddened as I am by loss, my heart lifts in gratitude for the richness Scott has brought to my life." my grief meditation book

I am thankful for everyday we had together. I drove to Austin today for work and I had the memories filling every moment. I drove past one of the restaurants we went to spontaneously one night when we were first dating and let me tell you about all the white Toyota Tundras. I have quite been able to desensitize to completely to seeing that. I guess it doesn't help that I live in Truck Capital USA. So many other memories in those miles I drove today. It was a first trip for me that direction. When I went to the airport I can bypass all the Kohl's we stopped at looking for his outfit for the wedding and all the guys clothes. I can smile and laugh at all our inside jokes and at the same time let the tears fall.

I am taking each day and dealing with all the amazing things and people that are in my life. I will keep walking the path but for now I think I'm getting sick so I need to get some sleep. I keep conquering my life as it is now.

A Morose Kind of Day

I have been very down and sad today. Just an overall rough day. I'm sure it has everything to do with my friend Betsy and her family having the memorial service for Mom today. There are some emotions you just can't or don't want to turn off for others and can feel them. I understand and it is okay to have all the feeling she has. I've been there and for the most part I am still there.

I've still had estate business to take care of and clear up. It seems like when I get something taken care of something else pops up. I do what I can do when I feel like it. I know what was supposed to happen but I also know what I have to deal with isn't the way Scott wanted it but I can try as best as possible. I made it by the bank and have an appointment for myself to set up some things we were trying to set up before all this happened. His financial planner and I finally got to meet today. She said she'd seen him in the grocery store a few weeks before he died and he told her how he wanted it all set up. I knew that story. He spoke very highly of her and my sweet loving Scott was excited for her to meet me. It is so funny to hear those little stories. I remember the day he came home telling me he'd seen her in the store. I miss hearing all the things from his day. The kids, coworkers and just the crazy stuff he'd eat for lunch.

I took Hannah to her band practice and came home to be a vegetable on the couch for a while. I started looking at something and ended up reading the group Facebook page where Scott was missing and where we found him that day. I know I must have read it before because I made comments on some stuff but I don't remember most of it. I sat here reading and the tears streamed down my face and onto his Longhorn blanket we made for him for Christmas. I got a good cry in followed by some mint Oreo cookies (he hated Mint and chocolate mixed) and then I was able to move forward.

Again I went to pick up H from school the radio which I have avoided for weeks by playing my classical station (doesn't work we have several classical songs too) but I was punching the different buttons and there he was wrapping me in the melodies. I know he wants me to be happy and I'm trying. I'm the only one who can get through all and put myself in a place where the smiles aren't always hiding the pain. My staff told me today when I walk into the gym I'm always smiling. I'm getting somewhere, I don't understand but I'm getting there.

Cooking up a storm

I am slowly learning to be in the house and not stop and cry at the drop of a hat. I've learned that the shower is a good place to cry and bring Scott into my day.

I was busy today and then I had a conference call and all of the sudden I felt a huge kiss. I was alone in the office and an instant memory of when Scott and I worked together and I'd be on a call and he would come in, the door was closed, kiss me and walk out. I'd forgotten about that and I felt him sending me a message. He isn't very far away.

Tonight I achieved something I have been putting off. Real cooking! I haven't made this dish for more then six months. It was a special dish for Scott, Hannah and I. I haven't really cooked since the night he died. I cooked, I used the pots and pans and fresh ingredients. I poured in the wine into the dish but not me. Only one glass at WDW have I had since the night of his funeral. I'm trying but it is only a step in this process that has no time lines. I will work through it all eventually in my own way.

I still struggle but I'm getting much better at fooling most people. There are a few I can't get away with that technique but that truly means they know me without asking. I will survive for the moment. I'm sitting here typing this watching a storm that came through here head to Teague. Scott's body is there but his soul works in different places. I think I'm understanding who I am for now. Someday I may be different but not today.

Movie Ad Day

I was so very worn out today. I tried to sleep in but somehow Fantasy football required my attention. I love Scott's friends, they are such great guys but on Sunday morning I'm going to be sleeping in. Not today but it's ok. Hannah and I laid around watching old movies. I didn't turn on the TV for football games. I know my limits still and I push them when I feel like I can handle it but I also back off when I can't.

This afternoon we both took naps. In my dreams I got another visit from Scott. I love those times we get to spend a bit together. They aren't like my normal dreams where I do crazy things. These visit dreams are very vivid, detail oriented and I can feel him. Today he held my hand, told me we are still together, he wants me to be happy and he will be by my side making that happen. How can you not believe those things?

I just saw and ad for a new movie with Matt Damon called Hereafter. Interesting I may have to see that one. The next commercial was for the very last movie Scott and I saw together. We took Laynie to see How to Train Your Dragon while Hannah went with her friends to something else. I still have the ticket stubs. I just have so very many memories that will never go anywhere. I am also capable of making new memories and I proved it myself and my heart in Disney last week.

I am learning how to live without Scott's physical presence. Walking around the house looking at the pictures and the memories that pop up. One of my new patients told me how she lost her husband and she still talks to him and feels him around. I know I'm not alone in my world. I know I will find happiness and I know that Scott wants me to find my place. Each day brings me closer to someday.

God's Party

It seems like I sometimes don't know what to do with myself. Last night was football game time again. I love the games and the feelings of closeness with Scott. He loves his football. Today I went to work which was a good way to pass the hours with Hannah out at another band competition. I don't like hanging around the house alone. This week I have discovered something that you have all been waiting to hear. I'm a bit better. The trip to Walt Disney World helped so very much.

I still know I'm in steps further ahead then I was before. I spoke with Betsy on Friday to check on her. She walked me through all the early stages and I have experience that she needs now. Things happen in life that we don't understand the reason for things. Betsy and I were talking and she asked me if I was ready to decide to be a grief counselor. I'm too very close to the situation to answer that question.

I just keep thinking and thinking. I guess it is what I do best until I can work out a problem or issue. I want to help so I can now just be the friend she has been to me. The answer to the situation is once again - love unconditionally! That is my place in life. Yesterday one of my patients said to me, "You have such a beautiful smile. Do you know how you brighten my day?" I got tears in my eyes. Scott was always telling me that my smile lured him in to love unconditionally.

Now this party in Heaven is doing something to us all. It is our responsibility to use it for a positive outlook even at our darkest hours. Platitudes don't work. Telling someone how strong or brave they are, how their loved one is in a better place, or they are well. We know these things but it isn't comforting. Be there with a hand to hold and the I love you. Be there when the others go back to their own lives. Be there with a laugh or a shoulder to cry on. Nothing makes it easy to journey through. It can't be ignored or brushed under the carpet. The loss of someone you love must be faced no matter the age or cause of death. We have to continue living until it is our time and the only way to do that is with the power of love from those who remain behind and the most powerful love of all from those that precede us into the arms of God.

Circle of Friends

Nope this year doesn't count. It just doesn't get to win. Today on of the most important, dearest people I know had to tell me she lost her mother. We sat on a bench on Sunday night in Walt Disney World trying to come up with solutions to help her and Mom cope with the process of dementia. God decided it was time for the Mom to join Scott and so many others as an angel in Heaven. Even in her own grief Betsy protected me from finding out from someone else. She made sure it came from her but because I was where I was supposed to be I had the love and support all day of another friend who never thought he had it in him. Today he walked me through and was the one checking on me while I worried about trying to help Betsy today.

I can only tell her I love her and I am here to help her walk this journey. She keeps saying to me we are where we are supposed to be we just don't always know it. Now I know things I don't want to know but I do. That gives me the strength to be there for her. You see our little circle of friends are more then just crazy Internet Disney fans. We are a family through the good, the bad, the sad and the happy. Love really does matter and it is the only thing that will be there in the end of life. We will walk through this and love each other for the things that don't matter because there is not right or wrong and no battle that is that important.

Alone in a Crowd

"I will set forth on this journey in hope and trust. What more have I to lose? And how much to gain?"

this is from my grief journey daily meditation book. I sat and read this while I waited for people to arrive for my second day of the new job. I think I continue to struggle with the setting forth. I just want to skip to the end or reverse back to where I used to be. I am very hard on myself. I always have been. Why can't I take my lessons about others and apply the knowledge of unconditional love to myself? I'm sitting here writing wishing someone would love me again. Actually as always wishing that it wasn't just someone. Then again I know he still loves me and wants me to be happy. It's just really hard knowing how important I was to him and how he was to me. That kind of power is hard to explain. I want to be important like that - not today but someday.

I am slowly learning to be alone again and actually be okay with the solitude. At Disney World noticed the times surrounded by so many others when I would start to feel myself shut down and withdraw into my own thoughts. This happened on several occasions but the most eventful was after riding Expedition Everest twice in a row then having birds soar overhead. I will explain the adrenaline later. The night before was a night of healing and hope. After the ride we walked over to meet and eat at Flame Tree BBQ. I still struggle with the whole BBQ thing. I went over to the burger place in Dinoland and went back to the eat with the gang. We are really good at saving tables, we have it down to an art form. I was plopped at my table and watched two other tables with backpacks on them. I was talking, laughing and enjoying the company from afar. They were teasing me about sitting all alone. I didn't feel alone, people slowly trickled in and we filled our spots. The all of the sudden the panic started.

It must have been in plain view because Betsy kept looking at me and asking if I was okay. I feel the powers and emotions of others. I couldn't turn them off or block them out at that moment in time. The loneliness bubble surrounded me and wouldn't leave. It is times like this I miss my support from Scott. I looked around and I had support but the one person I needed it from couldn't give it to me and can't. I spiraled the rest of the night. I tried to get myself to a happy place but I couldn't get there. Sometimes you just want someone to touch your hand and walk around taking your mind off all the things that happen.

I sat on the balcony watching the stars making the wish that my heart makes everyday. Scott is with me and loves me to infinity and beyond but I still have to live each day. It has gotten a bit easier but it doesn't mean I like it. I took the easy way out that night. I took my meds and the extra dose I'm to take when the panic is so very bad. I was asleep before I knew it. I think the night was made harder because my phone was acting up because of the AT&T service on overload. I couldn't reach the hands I needed to hold me up. I will make it through all this and as the bad times continue to get fewer I will one day believe in myself again and my love for life and others.

Grim Grinning Ghosts

Or I guess I should have titled this scooting through emotions. WDW has always been a place of great joy for me before Scott. It needs to be a place of great joy for me after Scott. It is how I seem to mark the time in my life right now. I'm getting better at living and functioning alone but I miss that togetherness and knowing he was sitting next to me on the couch playing with my toes or sending me IM on Facebook just to tell me he loves me.

Last night I talked about the unconditional love and not placing boundaries on the people you love. It also works when you reach out to someone with a kind word or just a quick "thinking about you." I have received so much of that but I think sometimes it is hard for the people reaching out to know how much that touches my heart. From my best friends to people I barely know but are with me because of Scott the support I receive gets me through my daily struggles.

At WDW I can walk some of it but because of my MS it is very hard for me to do all of the distances without losing the enjoyment and magic when I have to spend most of the trip in bed. Over the years I practice what the therapists call "energy conservation." At WDW that means I use a scooter to get from point A to point B. I try to walk on as many rides as possible because I'm not a complete invalid. It is a great joy to be able to reach out to my friends and talk and walk along with them and be included into the conversation even when I have "butt view." I'm not alone and they accept me as I am and help me along the way.

The one exception to this was the night of the Halloween Party. We had walked on without waiting on most things but Haunted Mansion we took the back entrance onto the ride. I was getting tired and standing for any length of time wasn't going to allow me to continue with the party. Who needs numb legs? We got into the ride laughing and joking along the way but as we were seated into the doom buggy the tears flowed. I was sobbing. This is one of my very favorite rides and I couldn't stop crying. I can tell you exactly what it was that did it for me - the coffin, the clock striking 13, the medium calling the spirits, the bride in the attic, the dancing ghosts, the graveyard, the girl telling us to bring back our death certificate because there is room for one more and the ghost hitching a ride. So it was the entire ride. The last time I was on this was, of course, with Scott and we joked about bringing back our death certificate but not for many years! Just thinking about that is making me cry as I type this. I don't know if I will be able to ever get on this ride again without crying.

So I've added to my places to cry, not only last week but today. I started my new job and one of my staff members worked with Scott and I when we met. He was there at the beginning. I told him the story because he only knew what he had seen on the news. Oh what a great way to start the day and then at lunch to drive past Brazos Children's Center and feel the pull to go inside. Scott has powerful skills but I said not today but someday. I do have something to give to his coworkers but it hasn't all pulled together so that I can do that for them. To tell them thank you for all they have done and for loving him too.

Thank you to all my friends for helping me take one step forward and make it this far without checking me into the psych ward. I'm sure some days I do belong there but nobody will take me!

My Healing Journey

I have so much to say about the trip that it will take me some time to put all the thoughts together from the trip to Walt Disney World. I took this journey without telling many people I was going until the very end. I know that Scott has taught me love is endless and has no boundaries, expectations or conditions. He is part of my soul but there are many people who I have a connection on a level that can't be explained.

Many of those people traveled to Disney with me this week. Many others stayed behind and then of course those connected to my soul that have nothing to do with Disney. So many people that make my life special. Scott has given me a life lesson that I have begun to understand in the depths of my grief. We all operate at different levels but we have bonds that we can't see or understand. We all intermingle in each other's lives without understanding. We have our ups and downs but the true test is being open to love and friendship beyond life.

Many of my Disney friends will understand where this post comes from in my heart. One of my closest friends and I had a huge fight about 18 months ago and then a year ago it escalated into us not speaking and cutting each other out our lives without ever sitting to talk about the issues. We have many similar qualities and we were very good friends. I have been told that Scott's death upset him beyond words and he reached out a bit at that time. We have known each other for 10 years in our chosen family. Scott used to laugh and say, "oh it's just D again!" and hand me my phone when I got a text message. He was excited to someday meet him and his family. Good or bad we both hurt each other without ever taking the time to do what we do best, talk. We walked away from our friendship.

Since Scott died I keep getting these images from Scott of my friend with Scott telling me we needed to forgive each other. In the scope of life a friendship was more important then who was right or wrong. Scott taught me how to love unconditionally. I went to Disney knowing I had to combat my own demons of returning to the last place where Scott and I celebrated our love but I found I had other things I needed to address. I am still tentative about walking head on but I know that life can be over in an instant. I am trying to trust that we can be friends and learn from our mistakes.

My trip was more then the past but is about the future. I know Scott is walking by my side reminding me of the importance of unconditional love. I have so many friends that have given me this during this time, it is up to me to pass it on. Scott loved me to infinity and beyond. I'm still here to love others to infinity and beyond. My family and friends come first! I can walk forward and repair the foundation of friendship that could have been saved in the first place if we do what we have now promised each other - communication and listening. So hugs to my Disney friends who watched the fragile framework begin to repair something that effected our entire group. How is it that we can be so angry at each other and still end up talking, laughing and joking in the middle of all the others. Thank you Scott for giving me the understanding of the power of the connection of souls. We each have a reason to be here and bonds to form that are beyond the power of our human flaws. Love transcends all and there are so many forms. Reach out and forgive.