Christmas Wish List

All I want for Christmas.... Is bigger then words can capture but I'll settle for some smaller things. Hannah wrote out what I consider the funniest list ever. She knows her wants and needs that's for sure. It is hard to focus on those things but I keep thinking about how I was always the one to coordinate every one's needs and make sure they all loved Christmas. Scott was like a kid in a candy store last Christmas. He kept opening box after box of new shirts. Hey Academy had a sale. He kept thinking that was all he was getting but finally we said pull one out and hold it up. Yes I'm sneaky that way. Inside each box was another gift tucked into the shirts. The girls had magical Christmas' too. My philosophy has always been the holiday was for them. Sure we shared the reason for Christmas. I loved watching their eyes light up and them go to bed the night before in their new matching PJ's. I have the best pictures of them sitting by the tree.

Scott took care of me too. He made sure I had the best gifts. I didn't care I loved watching them all in the magic and joy of Christmas. So that brings me to the my Christmas wish list for this year. I want to be taken care of. I don't want to ask anyone though. I want Santa's elves to magically appear and take care of all the pain and grief that putting up the tree takes from me. I want to be able to listen to Christmas music and not cry myself out. I want the packages to be wrapped and under the tree. I want to not want to pull all the bulbs out of the neighbors lights.

I do want to experience Christmas today. Notice I said today! I just can't do it myself. I have to share that I figured out how to celebrate Thanksgiving for myself a week later. Tonight Hannah and I were at the grocery store. I bought a few of my favorite Thanksgiving comfort foods to make for myself this weekend. I can have a tiny turkey, little bowl of dressing, fresh mashed potatoes, baby green bean casserole and my pink fluff salad. Who needs the huge todo that comes with lots of family and hoopla. It won't be the romance with my love but I know I'm still his heart and he'll be here with me. Scott was always telling me he loved me because I didn't think about myself, making sure others were happy but it was okay to take time to be happy for myself. I'm not that perfect I do have my selfish moments. I got the guy and enjoyed our private moments always (big grin). He spoiled me but I didn't take that for granted. I just don't ever see that happening ever again.

I want the one thing I can never have again. I want to sit and throw a fit and get my way but it doesn't work that way. So I can comfort myself looking at the first rose he gave me picked from my own bush out front. I can look at my rings and know that each sparkle of a diamond is his way of telling me how much he loves me. I can feel his love just not the concrete way but so very abstract. It's a good thing I believe in the power of light and love!

I'm the Grinch

Yup this is the worst time of the year in what was my favorite time of the year. I'm just super blah. I know it happens. I know I'm not the first person to ever be here. Just that each person journey through the these times is personal. I expected to struggle through the holidays but I didn't expect to be slammed by food. That food would cause this intense longing and misery. How do I really find myself through the next five weeks? I guess I will do it just like the last eight months - one day at a time.

It is so very hard to believe that it is all gone but things and memories. I would trade all my gifts and treats from him just to have him back. Sounds so cliche but it is so very true. Nope my nose wiggles but it doesn't have magic powers attached to it. My ponytail bounces but it doesn't have a genie bottle that makes the worlds problems solved in half and hour.

I am home and finding my comfort zone and the things I can handle. Now the free pass for Christmas is sitting there. If I take it what does that mean for me? I'm not sure. I do know it means my house isn't Santa's workshop. I miss that but I have to see if I'm okay with the pain attached to so many ornaments. The memories with other ornaments are joyous and loving though. Seems silly but is it fair to the happy memories and ornaments to keep them hidden in the boxes. Does it seem fair to keep the final present I bought for my dad hidden away when for 11 years it has been under the tree just for him? Losing my Dad was so very different then losing Scott.

Losing someone at the climb of love versus the end of a long happy life together. I won't ever know the long happy life together. And by the way does the TV really have to show so many (insert curse word here) diamond jewelry commercials with women in their wedding dresses? Where are the television programs for those who need help and support? I need warm fuzzies even more now.

Today though I discussed the possibility of deciding to be completely alone on Christmas with my counselor. Don't have a cow. She thought I could handle it if that is how I decide to use my free pass because I am good at asking for help when I need it. I don't know yet if that is my decision because she also told me it is okay for me to change my mind daily until Christmas day arrives. I will keep trying to hit it head on just like I've done everything else but this seems like it might just be easier to hide from it. Next year though I will have to face it so I might as well make steps just like I've done with everything else. This grief process is going to take me years. I can fake it for a bit but well sometimes it is just is nice to be sitting in my spot on the couch watching mind numbing TV playing on facebook. The there are moments where I feel Scott urging me to put up our small tree and remember all our love.

I'm a seesaw of emotions. In my own time I will conquer each one of them and find my new place in life because well it isn't time for my expiration date to be up no matter how much I wish it to be. I have learned it isn't possible to wish your life away. I can't make myself disappear into the afterlife. I've tried but somehow it just isn't my time. So I will face Christmas as I can in my own time. Right now it is struggling to watch (cuss word) Christmas commercials! Maybe tomorrow it will be something else! Maybe I will be able to listen to more then three Christmas songs without crying. Maybe I will be able to walk outside and see the neighbors lights and not cry. Maybe I will get out the small tree and put ornaments on it. Maybe I will fix myself a small thanksgiving meal this weekend when I'm alone!

Dreams and Visions

Last night was a very vivid dream once again. This time we weren't alone. It wasn't just Scott and I. I felt as if he was talking to me, letting me know what he really wanted. Hannah and I were with Becki and Laynie. We were celebrating Christmas together. I could see him in my dream standing behind me but the others couldn't see him. He was telling me exactly how he wanted it to be for Laynie. That she needed us for Christmas. All of us. That we could make each others lives magic.

We brought gifts for her. There were others there but they were all fuzzy. I remember talking to Laynie. Scott was telling me exactly what to say. To tell her that he was still here with her always. That he loves her dearly and will be here for all of us when we need him. In my ear she whispered I know I see him too. He held my hand and smiled then gently faded. I can't explain the feelings these dreams give me but they are so very real.

I know what him and his heart. He loved us all. The girls and I were where he was happiest. I know he is still here. I can't imagine him anywhere else. I know I have to find a way to be in the moment. I will find what I can do but his messages are so very deep and profound. He does reach me everyday. I can't explain how I know the power is there but it is. I know what I need to do for Christmas and I finally found the answer for my wedding dress but I'll save that story for another day.

I've got to figure out how to get what Scott wants Laynie to have for Christmas. Amazing messages from my love to infinity and beyond.

Throwing in the Towel

Yesterday was a sad day yes. The High School Football has come to an end for the season but all the student should be honored to have made it as far as they have. I know they all kept me going and they didn't even know they did.

Tonight I've realized that yes I love my family but hitting things head on or doing something new isn't always the best plan of action. I'm here at my parents and when I need comfort it doesn't happen. I know they love me but I think I needed to be alone. I could have just had another day like any other. In my home I can ignore the rest of the world for a time and find the energy to continue. To be out in the world. The holiday stuff is no longer for me. I can honestly say that most things aren't for me but I can put up a front. That only lasts for so long. I don't know what it will take but I keep trying.

I'm done trying for the moment but I can't find comfort. The tears are just under the surface and I can't make it right now. I can't comfort myself and I've become so adept at doing just that. Now I know how much I've gone through and that I'm not truly alone but there are now words to explain the intense loneliness and sometimes words from others just don't help. The person who helped me most is gone. I need him to hold me in his arms and let me cry. I need him to find a reason to run an errand from my Mom's house so that I have something to eat. We would always need to do something together when we were here so I could eat. It was also a way to spend quiet time alone together. I miss him so much and I can't find comfort. I can't find the words to explain the intense pain that has wandered back full force.

Last year I missed Grandma but that pain is so very different. Each year I remember my Dad. This year there is no comfort, no joy in watching others celebrate and walk into what was once my favorite time of year. Yesterday I was in the laundry room at my house where I see the Disney Train set we bought to set up under the Disney tree under "our" tree. The tree we bought together. Just to much. I'm really ready to throw in the towel but I have no place to throw it. No one to old me and find a scheme to get me a cheeseburger. I have whole wheat nasty dry pasta and salad with craisins and other yuck in it. It really sucks to know how very alone I am. Even with my well meaning family I'm alone and it wasn't supposed to be this way. We took care of each other. We had each other's back. When others drove us nuts we made it together. Because you know everyone has family that you love but it is better in short periods of time. When you have that love Scott and I shared you do anything for each other to make sure they are happy. I'm don't have that and now I can't comfort myself. I throw in the towel on this holiday season. It doesn't exist and you can't make me believe celebrating is really even worth it.

Today's Holiday

I made it through the day. I'm very picky about what I like to eat and Thanksgiving and Christmas are the worst meals for my pickiness because I only eat them at those times of the year and I love for them to be just right. My last perfect Thanksgiving meal was last year with Scott. It was just right for both of us together. I will forever have that perfect memory. Today I was miserable but I was with my parents and Hannah. My Mom gets creative with the cooking and that just doesn't work for me.

I have survived today. It is another milestone. One holiday at a time. I'm making it but I have to honestly tell you I'm not liking it but I do it because I don't have another choice. Maybe years from now I will look back and have learned lessons from surviving today. I'm not there yet but maybe someday.

We made it home tonight to prepare for Friday Night Lights tomorrow. I feel Scott around me all day and most definitely tonight here in cold weather. I may need some hot chocolate to warm my insides. I didn't do any of the meal cooking today. I slept and I tried to hide but I made it through today and will be screaming and yelling tomorrow. The adrenaline will run through me and I will feel alive once again.

I have tons to be thankful. I do know this but right now I'm just being a sad pitiful person. Not so much fun to be around but my parents and Hannah are making sure I'm not alone. I couldn't ask for better support then that. One day at a time and today my only goal was once again to get out of bed! I did it. I made it through today.

No Boundries

I'm trying everyday I try really hard to step out and forward. I do my darnedest to get to a point that makes Scott happy. That I know how to honor his wishes for life. I do know because we shared so many happy moments in life. I know he doesn't want me to wallow because he shared always made me promise that if he went first I would do my best to live. I'm trying. I don't always like it but I'm trying.

I know Scott lives in love. His love for life was just so very apparent to those who knew him he would want nothing less for those of us who are left here. I'm sitting here watching Ghost Adventures and they are touring a haunted nursing home! I just flipped the channels and it was on. That is so very funny to me because we talked about that all the time after working in Nursing Homes together. We had some "unexplained" things happen at Crestview in the therapy gym on more then one occasion. I know how much he believed in afterlife and the possibilities. Yes it makes loving to infinity and beyond possible.

Now I'm working on getting through this holiday one day at a time. I'm not looking forward beyond one day at a time. I have another Friday Night Lights to enjoy on Friday at 1pm in Cowboy Stadium. It is beyond important for me to make it to this game. I know without a doubt he is there. I feel like it is Angels in the Endzone! He would really do that so I will honor that! The Midway Panthers are awesome! We Will Win!!! WITH PRIDE!!! I will be at that game and cheering with all my heart.

One holiday at a time I will make each step and I will know what to do when it is time! There are tons of things I need to do but I don't know push myself out of the comfort zone into panic attacks. I know what I need to make it. I know all of the things that were important to us. Loving each other is Magical. He gave me a love beyond words. He knew what he wanted out of life and he wasn't afraid to make it all happen. Together we achieved a dream. I will keep trying to live but the sadness will always be close at hand. A love like ours knows no boundaries.

Deviled Eggs

I feel like a crazy person. I feel like I need a bed in the local psych unit! My MD disagrees. She keeps telling me that its the people who don't know they are crazy that need help. The people like you recognize when you are having problems means you aren't crazy just trying to deal with life and what has been handed to you. I don't know but if she says so!

I have been in that thinking mode again. This week is such a struggle for me. Last year we didn't have the girls over Thanksgiving. We chose to spend it alone together. We have family around but we told both sets no and spent the most fun day in the kitchen cooking together. The craziest silliest we got was learning to make his favorite treat - Deviled Eggs. Those same deviled eggs were supposed to be made on Easter Sunday for dinner but that didn't happen. The recipie is still sitting on his bathroom counter. After we finished cooking last we sat at a beautifully romantic table and enjoyed being together. Talking, laughing and loving just being together in our time.

Those beautiful memories are so very precious to me. How much we loved being together just with each other or surrounded by others. I'm so very glad we have so many memories that we made together. Those memories surrounded with my beautiful loving daughter, family and dear friends make each day possible. I have my days where I know I have to be in my own space without others around me somedays but I will continue to get out of the funk and live. I don't have the power to stop living. I don't get that choice. My expiration date isn't visible so when it happens I will be ready but I'm not going to do it myself.

"You may my glories and my state depose, But not my grief. STill I am king of those" - William Shakspeare.

Grief affects all my relationships but in my alone time is when I face it the most. I do control that I can get past my lows and find a new higher level. I will be the only judge of my ability to move on to something else. I do know when I can make those steps. I know I show that publically that I can do things besides wallow and I do take each step in my own time!

Okay Whatever.

I'm so ready to stop. Tonight is not good. I guess I head to bed and hope that sleep happens because well I just done with my life for the moment. I need to find a place that is slient and I can be completely alone. I worked today but I think I just need to hide from the holidays and life in general for the next 6 weeks. I not faking it well andymore or at least not tonight.

Tonight I'm silent as I try to find my center again and know that some people are disappointing when I need all the help I can get and make it to where I need to be. But somehow I'm will just cruise this week with the pain that is deep in my heart.

I can't make the tears stop. I hate these times when I backslide. I try but I hate being disappointed when I need support the most in the worst way through the (cursing) holidays. I just want my life back. I want my life back and it's not happening. I don't like it and I never will. I was happy and now I'm not. Don't worry I'll be fine once I sleep and once I figure out how to take care of myself and get to the football game on Friday. Because a selfish person can only think about their own needs. I will be okay. I will be okay. Maybe if I say it enough I will really be okay.

Quiet but not alone

I've been just hanging out playing on the computer today. My time has been very peaceful and just what I needed. Living in my own solitude for a time gives me the revitalization I need to conquer the world once again. I'm never really alone for long though. It is funny how that happens. I had my phone off completely so I could update it and that was the alone time. Then friends checked on me. I got a phone call for a few minutes with an invitation to a church Thanksgiving feast tomorrow evening, then later a long visit with a great friend who now knows all the details and stresses that I've been not showing to everyone and finally one of my football "brothers" asking for a favor! During all that time I'm playing on facebook and I know my friends would really send out the guard if they didn't see me there! Plus I can carry on a conversation with my beautiful daughter for all to see on a post I made about my phone! I love her to pieces and we have so much fun with each other.

So I'm never left alone for long which I'm forever grateful. My peace is good for a bit but I can get sick of my own company. It is so very funny how I still gage my days and my emotions. I'm not sure where I would be without all the people in my life. Rhonda told me tonight how very strong I am and that I was strong before Scott died and that hasn't changed. I'm finally able to accept those words. It has been a bit in arriving but I don't cringe at the words anymore. I'm still the person Scott fell in love with all the years ago. As I was sitting here tonight chatting my computer screen saver was rolling pictures of my life with Scott. I have thousands of photos of our time together. I need to work towards doing something with them. That is my goal. I don't know what I will do but it will come to me! I will find the answers. Just like everything else in my life.

I do know that I'm not perfect far from it. I just do the things that work for me. I have learned in all of this not to apologize for who I am. I do what I can when the time is right. I still love the phrase not today but someday. I'm getting to those little somedays one step at a time. I'm happy I can make my steps on my own with the support and love of so many people.

"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake." - Victor Hugo

Cowboy Stadium Magic

I think about things I want to write all the time but somehow it all doesn't make it to my fingers and onto the keyboard. I just have to say that this football roadshow has been amazing and worth every late night and tired morning. I love to see my daughter having the time of her life. When I was her age my High School WON the MO State Football Championship. It was a memory to always have. Some of my Facebook friends are part of those amazing memories. I just want Hannah's journey to be a bit different then how mine has turned out. This fork in the road was not so great. The people I have supporting me are fantastic though. It has it's ups and downs and well maybe not what I expected but I'm trying to keep the glass half full.

Last night was just a part of my own journey. It started when I was able to embrace something that I know Scott would have been a little kid in a candy store over. Each game has shown me a way to life beyond what we all see now. I am open to that. I'm not afraid and I embrace the possibilities. When my expiration date arrives I will be ready to join the giant hug and huge kiss I know will be waiting for me. Right now I take the energy that I feel surrounding me. Sometimes when I ask for it but most often when I least expect it.

On the drive we talked about how Scott would have been unable to sit still in the truck, that we wouldn't have been there fast enough and we would have walked the entire stadium with the camera snapping all the way. He got his wish last night. We got to see something that is beyond words for a little community with a giant heart. I loved seeing what a great coach can do for a little team with heart. Scott would talk endlessly, if I let him, about coaching and football and what he would do. Last night I saw a coach who has repeatedly shown that running up the score with all your strong first stringers isn't the way to go. He showed how it matters all the way down to the little bitty freshman that got to play on the field! Scott is cheering and sometimes I think running down there on the field. You know like the "Angels in the Outfield" movies.

Today I was tired and worn out but we made it. I'm home with myself and my warm loving angel. I do talk to him all the time. I know he's here most of the time. He is here to do what he promised to infinity and beyond. He is here to help me learn to live a life that doesn't include his physical presence. I know I'm not alone in missing him because I talked to one of the teacher's he worked with tonight when I stopped to do an errand. He touched so many lives and loved so many people but I know our souls were meant to be together. Words just can't change that feeling I had before he died. Years before - we just knew. So I continue my journey and learn how to take a new step each day. Tonight I'm stuck on the couch enjoying my favorite mental break show - House Hunters! Maybe sometime soon I should find my snuggling comforters and pillows to get some sleep!

Snoring Alarm Clock

See you never know what will happen in life! In the middle of the night I woke myself up snoring with this stupid head cold and thought it was Scott. That was a heartbreaking way to wake up. It's funny the things you miss after someone is gone. The little things that drove you nuts that you would gladly take just to have that person back. My life has a lot different meaning then it did before. It's not about changing people around us. If we really care about them we take them warts and all. I love Scott warts and all. I know he loves me the same way. He told me all the time. I was such a lucky girl.

I have my little prayer that I say every morning sitting in the floor of the shower with some quiet grief meditation time. I ask for the strength to get through the day and to know Scott still surrounds me with his love and laughter. As I'm driving to work hoping the am wakeup call isn't a way the day will follow suddenly LeAnn Rimes singing "Unchained Melody." The tears flowed down my face but I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably just that I felt Scott's arms around me, like in Ghost. There were three more songs in a row as I made my way to work.

I've had a corporate compliance auditor in my office the last two days who is very nice. We took her out to lunch for burgers at my favorite place to eat - where I get a hug from the guys at the grill and a promise that if I need anything to call them! I love the guys at Dubl-R! The biggest achievement for me today was to tell a person who didn't know the story the entire story without a tear. That is a milestone for me. I have yet to make it a day without tears but I made a LARGE giant leap today. I'm learning my new normal. I don't like it but I'm learning.

Now I can do without my own snoring. Scott was bad enough! Why do I have to wake myself up?

Comforting Cousins

It has been one of those days where I'm not really sure what I got done or if I made a difference to anyone but I worked until 6:30 tonight. When I was working at the end of the day, Monica called and told me she wasn't taking the job at the other place which was "my job." It's okay that wasn't the problem. It was when we switched topics to Scott. I just suddenly missed him beyond words. I focused long enough to finish what I was doing but then when I tried to start a new task I just couldn't do it. So I drove home in the dark, crying and wishing with all my heart. I have learned to reach out to someone when I feel like that so I reached out for my dear little sister, Stacey. She is my sister and I love her just like I would if we had grown up in hte same house! I love all my cousins like that. To me they are my brothers and sisters. We may lead lives all over the country but I know I can count on them in the worst of times.

She talked me all the way home and beyond. She then thanked me for doing all the things I did for her growing up. Do you know how much that makes my heart happy? I know today that I really have touched someones life. I also know after talking to Monica that reaffirms how many lives were touched by Scott. So a busy crazy day that kept me moving and going but with Scott just in the back of my thoughts turned into a sob fest with comfort.

I will take steps one at a time. I will make it forward I just have to continue to readjust my universe. Yuck!

Love Lives On

"If at times we are somewhat stunned by the tempest, never fear; let us take breath, and go on afresh." -Francis De Sales


This Daily Meditation Grief book really does help me in ways that are very hard to explain. I think it is most importantly that I am not alone in this journey and that others will follow. The other's will follow part is very clear to me since my dear friend Betsy is dealing with her own personal journey. It seems so very odd that six months to the day we each lost the people who we were closest to in our daily lives. That is the struggle for each of us. It is not the name or role we have assigned that person but how much interaction and life we had that suddenly leaves a void.

I'm adapting. I'm adjusting. Some days are better then others but there are days that I'm gone again. Today has been a good day. I talk of him often because that is what I have. It is funny because Scott and I traveled to every place he remembered living in the State of TX. I saw all the houses he lived in. The elementary schools he attended. I got a detailed description of where his room was in each home. He talked about teachers and friends. We shared so much. Now his memories are mine also. If he spoke of you then you must know the important part you played in your time in his life.

We had this game we played with places where we had been with others to make memories that were ours. It is hard to put into words but we traveled to places we'd each been with others, past relationships, travels with friends that gave them our mark and our memories. It was like a time crunch for us to squeeze so much into a short amount of time. He would always say "I wish I'd met you when I was 19" and my reply was "But without all that has shaped you to be the man you are for me!" Our destiny will always be together. Today little things that happened along the way have been popping into my head. Nothing that connects to anything happening, just random stuff that means things only Scott and I understand. It is like I'm being fed thoughts to remember all the love we shared. All that we overcame to be together.

Those new memories we created didn't take away the memories we created with others because that is what brought us together. Our game wasn't done to be mean or devalue but to know that we were important enough to each other to have a life together. That we weren't living in the past but living forward in each other's arms. I know Scott's history and he mine. There was very little we kept secret from each other. If it mattered to us still then we shared. I miss sharing the details with him. It is funny though because I continue to feel if there are things he wants me to know or do. I seems odd at times when things happen and usually I will dismiss it until it continues.

For today was a quiet day, I could feel his love continue to surround us. We walked into the grocery store and Michael's and I wasn't terrified of the thought of Christmas. It was as if those little things that didn't fit were meant to remind me that love is greater then life. I will continue to walk forward and feel the love around me not just from those passed on but those who are still living and give me great support.

Art Imitates Life - Toy Story 3

"Toy Story 3 is about change. It's about embracing change. It's about people being faced with changed and how they deal with it." - Lee Unkrich (Director TS3)

Do you think he knows what these words really mean to this one specific person in the world? Tonight I took the step to take the movie out of the box and watch it. Our plan had been to take Laynie and my niece to see this movie before the wedding. The girls all knew that Scott was "Buzz." This was a HUGE step for me tonight. Yes I cried. I don't think I cried in all the same places everyone else did nor for all the reasons everyone else does.

"Andy" was moving on to college and he had to tell his beloved toys goodbye and growing up and moving on. They were a huge part of his life. I too will someday be able to let go of the "things" in my life that mean Scott to me. I'm slowly making it through the change in my life and trying to come to grips with "who am I?" now. I don't know who that is but I will find my way. This has been the hardest change I have faced in my short life. It wasn't gradual like going off to college or when my Dad or Grandma passed away. The part of the film that was a wish for me - Andy got one last time to play with the toys and tell them goodbye. I wish I had one last day to spend with Scott. I did have one last day. It wasn't a dream day but we did have those together.

The other night I relived one of those dream nights with Scott once again together and sharing all the love we had. Without the pressures of the world beyond. We had two of those "larger then life" moments very recently. I have amazing memories but I would die to have one more moment to say goodbye. I didn't get to say goodbye. I love him to infinity and beyond. I hope Pixar and all the makers know that they have given me magic that will forever be carried in my heart to infinity and beyond.

Craving Chocolate

I'm sick and feel like death warmed over. I can honestly tell you that I wouldn't mind it being my expiration date but to clear your conscience I will tell you I won't do anything to hasten that experience. I promised to many people and I'm told there are too many people who need me.

I went to work yesterday and overdid the job because my office was moved to a new space and being sick is not a time to move furniture and files. This morning I woke up with a fever and was ready to throw in the towel. I stayed in bed and finally the fever broke and I made it to the couch. I laid on the couch from late afternoon bundled in four or five blankets, resting. I watched one of my favorite past times on Netflix -- BBC dramas made from novels. My choice was Jane Eyre. I know love like that. I wish I was able to take our love into the pages of a book for others to feel the power. We didn't get to live happily ever after but I didn't say our love was a Disney movie. Lord knows we tried.

I eventually made it to the shower and clean jammies for our favorite Thursday night television lineup. I also am watching the Fantasy Football team on the computer. I'm not tasting much of anything and have been sticking to the tea, toast and soup food groups but now I'm craving chocolate. I asked Hannah to bake some cookies from the freezer but she won't. I have two giant bunnies of my favorite chocolate, Ferror Roche, sitting in my room. I look at them and know he gave them to me on Sunday as his last gift to me. I can't bring myself to eat them but that was why he gave them to me. I know he is laughing at me telling me to open them. I hear him telling me to at least eat the chocolate but you can save the bunny plastic shapes.

I think maybe it might be better to wait to eat them until I can actually taste the wonderful chocolate. He loves me. That gift will never spoil or rot. He made my heart larger with something that I can't find the words to describe. He wants me to keep living and not wish my life away or sit watching life go by. There will be better in my world someday. Right now I'll take getting rid of this cough and sounding like a frog. It's okay! I love you!

Open Your Eyes

"Open your eyes and see those things which are around us at this hour." - Richard Jeffries

This is still very hard to do. I know there are lots of things around me but I also know it really is okay to stand in the moment and remember the life that was. I know I'm not yet ready to move things are get rid of things. I have tried and it sends me into a panic.

I am promising that I won't be ten years down the road and still sitting here surrounded by all our memories of the last years in this house. Right now I'm good but I don't need panic. I'm just now learning to control the episodes and move forward. Our house is my comfort zone.

I look at the Christmas pictures from last year and know I need to have new ones taken of Hannah and I. It is our reality now. I know what my reality is. I'm still not happy with it but I do know reality. I treasure our life together, the memories in this house. All the mushy stuff, our first kiss, our first date, holding hands, the fight in the kitchen and the last time he sat on the couch and told me "it's okay, I love you!" Yes love was never in doubt. That is what I hang onto. Someday I will be okay. Someday I won't have to struggle with putting his things away. Someday I will be able to live where he would want me to be. Our love does mean infinity and beyond.

Now if someone can please explain why the cat is fixated on the craft room and most specifically the closet where my wedding dress is hanging out of sight in the bag? I follow her in and she goes straight to closet. I open the door touch the dress, she walks out and is okay. If I don't she stands in the hall outside the door and meows crazy at me until I put her out or do what she says!

Friendships

"Without friends the world is but a wilderness... There is no man that imparteth his joys to his friends, but he joyeth the more; and no man that imparteth griefs to his friends,but he grieveth the less." - Frances Bacon

Yes it does take an effort to be a friend and it also takes an effort to let my friends be here for me. I don't want to impose on others by continuing my saga of ongoing sadness and depression. I do have good times and can smile and laugh but this day is just another in many days that have gone by.

It is amazing how being sick just reopens wounds I try to move past but they aren't going anywhere. This has been a terrible loss for me and I try to bury myself away from others and hide my grief but when I do that I become a hermit. I don't want to always be in this grief but I have to continue to face that there are times it is okay to sit and let it happen. Let the tears roll and try to heal myself with them.

I really think so many things each day that I can't share that I feel like I have no right to burden others with these feelings. I know that I have a great circle of friends that I trust with all my heart. I know that Scott didn't choose to leave me and the girls behind. I know he would have change anything if he'd known what was about to happen. I can feel him telling me that all the time. I can feel him embracing me so very often to get me through a point that gets me out there and into the supporting arms of others.

There are things that will always continue to happen that I will forever believe in the power of God and the unknown. It isn't my time to know things but it is my time to continue to place my self in the hands of those around me. Those that have been placed into my life for a reason. I have no voice to ask for help right now. I will make it just for now it continues to be one day at a time.

My Buzz

This morning I had a bad wake up feeling like the world should just be gone and I should be in Scott's arms once again. I did the right thing - I reached out to a friend who got me laughing. That friend shall remain nameless but needless to say our common bonds are great and laughter was therapeutic. Oh and we decided our daughters think we are old and embarrassing. I just so miss being loved. I know many love me but it isn't the same and you all know it!

Saturday I took myself to ye old Wally World for carpet cleaner. For once in seven months I came out with more then I went in for. Shopping progress. I bought Toy Story 3 and also these cute little 2.5 inch plastic Buzz and Woody figurines. My little shrine to Scott is growing but it is still very portable - it goes where I go when I travel!

Our housekeeper had rescheduled for today. She is the wonderful caring woman who Scott hired. I need her in my life because without her I wouldn't have a reason to do things like sort the mail. I just walked into our bedroom and sat down on the bed. I looked over and my sweet lady had posed my Buzz by the index card that sits by Scott's picture in which he had written "I LOVE YOU." His outstretched arms were pointing to those precious words. How did she know I needed that gesture today. She is amazing. She even puts my Scott pillows back just as I like them on his side of the bed covered in his t-shirt.

These little things help me sleep and get me through the day when I struggle to get going. I feel Scott laughing at me today as I struggle to talk on my yearly loss of voice. I can see him grinning at me but taking care of me. I called Mike to ask him to pick up Hannah and I got a taste of what Scott would be doing. He laughed at me. Mike never laughs at me when I lose my voice. He must be channeling Scott.

Another day bites the dust but my Buzz is loving me to infinity and beyond.

Words of Wisdom

"I am grateful from the bottom of my heart, that I have shared the life of my loved one. And I trust that someday my happiness, as I remember our life together, will far outweigh the grief I feel now." - Martha Whitmore Hickman

"...how complicated and individual mending is; the time required for healing cannot be measured against any fixed calendar." - Mary Jane Moffat

Someday there will be a point in my life where each day isn't measured by the loss of Scott. I have no timetable planned out but to take it one day at a time. I will live each day and get through each milestone, each holiday, each event and it won't be so all consuming. That isn't yet. My house is very quiet. I feel his ongoing spirit surrounding me to support me through all these times. He is here laughing at my antics, holding me up when I'm sad, wiping my tears when I cry, and loving me always.

The words I have in my heart

"Adore Always, Remember Forever, Love to Infinity and Beyond"

are from him everyday. The tears don't stop because they are cleansing. The tears are healing me from the inside out. I'm not there today but someday.

So with this final thought for today:

"My grief and pain are mine, I have earned them. They are part of me. Only in feeling them do I open myself to the lessons they can teach." Anne Wilson Schaef

Carpet Cleaning

I haven't written for the last two days. Not because I don't want to but time and Hannah's activities have gotten in the way. Last night I came home from seeing the HS musical. I'm just the driver. I take Hannah and if it weren't for great friends and other parents sitting next to me I would have been alone. For a bit I was alone in the crowd of others. Sitting there with my memories and wishes. That seems to be what I have left. I didn't sleep last night well but I slept for hours. Twelve to be exact. I went to bed at 2 am and woke up at 2pm. Nothing wrong with that I suppose.

I wasn't planning on doing anything today. I have some paperwork to do for work but well somehow that just sits in the car. I was very restless today and unable to sit still. I'm worried about a dear friend who I would do anything for but I feel helpless. I cleaned instead but not my logical self. I was jumping from thing to thing. I don't like this antsy feeling. I did a bit of laundry, took out the trash, rinsed some dishes but I didn't complete one household chore. Then I pulled out the magic erasers that Scott bought the day he died. It has been on the Wal-mart list and he picked them up. We were supposed to wipe down the doors and the frames. It didn't get done in April but today I did a few of them.

Then suddenly the carpet was getting on my nerves. Did you know that carpet can be annoying. The task I kept saying to him I wanted to do on Saturday for Sunday was clean the living room carpet. It was my honey do list but somehow he had to mess with the palm trees. It's just one of those things I keep saying to myself "if only" but I can't change the past I know that. I can't stand that feeling the thousands of questions I have each day about how I would like to change the past.

Today I did a chore he should have been here to help me complete. We should be celebrating life together not just me mourning his passing. I feel so lost and lonely most days. I'm capable of living and taking care of myself but I don't like it. I finished the carpet but it didn't make him appear before me. It didn't make him come back. I didn't stop the pain in my heart or the worry in my head. I'm doing things but it just seems like a waste of effort to try real hard. I will make it keeping busy. I will take one step at a time because it is not my day today but someday all these steps will lead us back to each others arms.

Good Mother

Tonight at Bereavement Support Group we discussed Guilt in Grief. Guilt is a horrible emotion to deal with during this horrible time of life. We all have times of guilt in life but this time is so hard to deal with. I've felt those feelings. I can generally move over them but they do come back sometimes. My logical self knows but my emotional self thinks a different way. I know we had our moments of not perfect times. What relationship doesn't have moments of frustration or annoyances? If we didn't then we wouldn't have been living and loving. The problem is Scott and I counterbalanced each other. When he was not thinking logically I was there to be a voice of reason, when I was emotional he was there to ground me. That is gone and I'm trying to learn how to ground myself. I'm good if I'm crazy busy but I can't just throw myself into exhaustion.

My MS has given me physical boundaries that I can't overstep because it may shorten my life. I know my physical limits. The worst times of the day are waking up in the morning and knowing this is the life I didn't want and going to bed at night alone. I miss snuggling and talking about the day. I miss our personal quiet time together. Now I just have memories that would make for a wonderful romance novel. I can't be the Time Traveler's Wife even if I wish hard enough he doesn't appear in his physical form before me. That movie too had a tragic ending. I sat in Scott's arms sobbing and telling him how much I loved him.

He died knowing how much I love him. The last text messages that we sent back and forth we just those words of love. Now I just have to deal with the crappy life that I don't want and that is where my guilt is because I have so many people who love me and care for me. Scott wasn't perfect but he was my other half and I miss that feeling of complete love. I want to be held and know there is just he and I in that moment of time once again. But the feeling of being touched is so limited the tears roll down my face and onto Scott's shirt I'm wearing. The last shirt he slept in and the shirt I put on when he was missing to attempt to sleep.

Tonight I'm adding items to my busy schedule to keep myself going. To keep the depression at bay. I'm being a good mom. I baked two dozen cupcakes with the help of Hannah to feed the band tomorrow night before our away game. Tomorrow I will also make the two crock pots of chili I signed up to deliver and also serve the kids before they board the buses. Then I will ride to the game and cheer on the kids. I may die of exhaustion but it keeps me going. It keeps me from being a depressed, anxious mess. I'm learning to cope but still trying to figure out how to accept my new life. So I will continue being the best Mom for Hannah because she is what I have to live for.

Election Day

But more importantly it is Cookie Monster's birthday. Why do you say that is more important then voting because Scott was my Cookie Monster. I've never know someone who could eat so very much and stay so skinny but not care that I was round. He would get dessert, mostly cookies places like McAllister's or Fuddruckers. He would NOT eat them but bring them home and sit them on the counter. They would sit there. He wouldn't eat them! They could sit there for weeks and he wouldn't notice when I finally threw them away. He would sometimes eat them but not very often if he took them home. His drawers in his dresser are full of candy. Mickey chocolate bars he asked me to buy in Florida, cherry sours from his Christmas stocking, starbursts, valentine candy from our first Valentine's Day together in Shreveport. He had to just pretend to eat that stuff but I know it's not true. I watched him eat candy, cookies and brownies and not gain a pound. He would tell me not true that he had been gaining weight because he was happy and in love.

This morning I finally ran out of toilet paper people brought me after he died. It has taken seven months. I keep thinking about how it would have lasted a month with him around. The paper towels, laundry detergent and trash bags are still going strong. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the people who brought those things to us. I hate feeling so crappy. I hate that people still worry about me but I'm glad that they do. It keeps me going. I still have steps to take through this process but I'm getting there in my own time. I have to listen to my heart and continue pacing myself. Scott and his love will continue to surround me and we will love to infinity and beyond. Someday I will hold his hand again and feel his touch.

Tonight the vote has shown change in the air - our 20 year Democratic Congressman, Chet Edwards has just conceded. That is the real power of the people of this country. Change is in the air not just for me but for the entire country. That is what this country is about. It may not be easy but we can all walk the path of change.

I will make it through this path of change as I continue to deal with my own personal journey. I know that I'm not alone and that I continue to have my own supporters who will hold me up even when I don't know I need it. I have so many blessings that continue and I will forever be grateful to so many who touch my life.

Just under the surface

I do have good moments. I try to be out there and live. I get through each day and my goal is no longer just getting out of bed, at least not always. I'm still craving my secure, comfortable life. I'm not sure if I will ever feel that way again. To have someone ripped so suddenly from your life just makes the panic of never having security again very dominate. It is the medicines that get me through those feelings of panic. I can't tell you if I will ever feel that security again. I want to feel it but well not today but someday.

The feelings are always just below the surface but the days that are the hardest are when those feelings come out in other ways. I got home tonight and the gate latch was ONCE AGAIN broken. Mike had geri-rigged the screws and Hannah had slammed the gate. I was just about to come completely unglued. The feelings of missing Scott all day long just surfaced into something that isn't even related to what is really there. I stood there crying and talking to him, asking him to tell me why he left me like this. I don't have answers but those feelings are there.

Last night Hannah and I went to one of her friends home for the girls to trick-or-treat. I visited with Laura, her friend's mom. It is nice to make new friends. Scott gave me that skill. He broke me out to where I could function and socialize with others but it took him dying to convince me of that. I was driving over to their house when the memories of how we spent last Halloween and the Halloween the year before together. I didn't do any of the decorations we have. Just not in the mood to go that far. I didn't get out the Mickey pumpkin, or pass out candy. I don't know if I will ever do any of those things again. He loved that I loved going all out for the holidays. He was right there helping me decorate. Waiting until the last minute to line the sidewalk with skulls and pumpkins to welcome the trick-or-treaters so Laynie could be here to help. Hanging ghosts in the tress just where Hannah and Laynie told him to put them.

Memories are powerful and hard to think you can ever make new ones. New ones were always possible when Scott was alive now I just try to keep from sinking into depression and live each day I'm given.