Kindness Forward

Kindness is an inner desire that makes us want to do good things even if we do not get anything in return. It is the joy of our life to do them. When we do good things from this inner desire, there is kindness in everything we think, say, want and do.
       - Emmanuel Swedenborg


I don't have any thoughts today. I'm taking it one day at a time. Even on the days I don't want to keep trying. I am thankful for all the kindnesses I have received and hope that I can pass them along. I am where I am supposed to be at this moment in time. I'm not really good with that but I'm sure I will swing back the other way. There are no problems in life that are worth fretting over. I've lost so much but have gained so much. 


I keep trying to live in each day and focus upon the good things. I can't focus on the changes that have made me struggle over the past year. I was thinking today about how much I know Scott was meant to be in my life. I can only hope that my life isn't for naught. One day at a time I will keep living forward. Tomorrow I will fill my day with kindness and try to make a difference in the life of someone else. 

Harry Potter

"You don't need to pity the dead. You need to pity the living, but above all those who live without love." -Dumbledore

Wow what a crazy wonderful day. Even with the mean women at the Humane Society we still managed to have a great day. I have learned that I'm really good at walking away from someone who is yelling at me and going directly to the person who will deal with it. I didn't know I was so good at that but I seem to be learning. I know I could have stayed and said more things but it wouldn't have mattered. So I moved on. The girls may have found a kitten to look at but apparently the timing wasn't right. I'm getting really good at that part of life. I also know when it is time to wait for the right moment. 

The girls and I ran around all day and had my favorite food group for lunch (Mexican)! I am happy. I really don't require much to be happy. Love and Mexican food and I'm yours. When we came home we played an impromptu game of Disney version of Apples to Apples. Did you know if you don't have a fourth you can use the cat as the "dummy." She can't read and doesn't have opposable thumbs so it isn't real easy but somehow I won! I like living in the moments that are my life and the memories I create with Hannah and her friends. 

Hannah and I dropped Holly off and headed to the movies. I only have one complaint about Hannah's driving, other then doing what has now been termed a Hannah (taking a right turn really fast without slowing down), she doesn't know how to get places that she has been hundreds of times. I have decided to say if you can't figure out how to get us there then you don't need to be driving. I'm not sure how someone so smart can be so unaware of their surroundings. She can barely get us out of our neighborhood but I love her anyway. 

We finally made it to the movie theater so I could see HP 7.2. This was Hannah's third time and I have to applaud her ability to not share secrets even if I ask a jillion times. I was doing great other then for some reason the seating just didn't feel right so I moved over to where I would have sat if Scott were with us. He must have been because all was well and right then. It is has never been a problem before but today was different. I was great until Harry discovers the feelings Snape had for his mother and that he had been protecting him out of love all along. I know that feeling of love. I was gone I cried so hard it was a good thing there were only 6 other people in the theater. 

I was where I was supposed to be! Hannah was by my side and I do fully believe that my Angel watches out for me. I wasn't supposed to see that movie alone and I needed to hear the message. I have read the books. I know how the story ends but to see it portrayed on the screen was very powerful. I know that life doesn't end with the death of your vessel. I firmly believe that Heaven is where we are happiest. I know there will be a point in my life where I get my wish. That is not where I'm supposed to be yet. I'm still have love to give and I don't need pity because I know love. 

Love it is our true life force. When we forget that or fight the feeling we should be pitied. Asking and giving love doesn't not mean giving up and being vulnerable. It means you are becoming stronger. If something happens and it doesn't turn out the way you wanted doesn't mean you should harbor feelings of anger, resentment or sadness towards the possibility of more love. There is no such thing as love ever being too much when it is given the right way. I spent the day exactly where I was supposed to be, surround by light and love! I love how the universe works in ways that I don't have the answers but I do find the truths. I believe in the Magic!

Love Me

"All work is empty save when there is love."
       - Kahlil Gibran, Lebanese-American writer 


No fate is worse than a life without a love.
       - Mexican Proverb 




I'm in a mood again aren't I? I'm not sure why but here we are. I have had a very busy crazy day with the life that is my work of patients, paperwork and more paperwork. It has been really an insane week but I must say I had some really high spots too. I like the times when you can squeeze a bit of work into some really great conversations. I also know that I love what I do and how the love for my patients makes the world a lot easier for me. I can be very self-centered but I try not to be. I think I am most like that when I am down and feel like the world doesn't want me in it. Those are the days I like to hide in my office and just make it to the end of the day.


The last few days haven't been like that for me and I'm very thankful. I know how very far I've come but I also know I still have living forward to work on. Sometimes I'm really good at hiding behind my smile. Some days it is great. Some days that is a bad place to be. The best part are the people in my life who know me very well and make me feel like my smile matters to them. 


Tonight has been wonderful! My dear darling Hannah is home and Holly is here for the night. 3 Spoons with Hannah and great friends earlier. Who can't use a great visit even for an hour! We have had so much fun other then Hannah running the red light and freaking me out. I'm so going to miss these times. We watched some Potter and then I taught Hannah and Holly how to watch the laundry. That by the way requires them actually doing laundry. Oh what a life we lead. But then where else can you snuggle on the couch with your favorite girls and read some really funny "Damn You AutoCorrects"  What a great way to feel the love. 


I think maybe one of my greatest lessons in the last 15 months is to live in the moments. Today can be the end and you may not even know it will happen. I know I have a ways to go. I can't even get a massage without sobbing, the grocery store don't even get me started and well there's the whole bed issue. Those things aren't important. They may be hurdles but I've got so height in my life. I know love is really all that matters and loving my friends and family makes it all worth trying to live forward each day. I love you all which reminds me to love myself.  My love is where I'm supposed to be right now. Hannah is the most important person in my life. Anyone who loves me knows and respects that all my decisions are based with her in my life. I'm so happy she is home. Live today and somehow the future will unfold into more marvels of love and happiness. 

Invisible Sun

"There has to be an invisible sun (oh oh) 
It gives its heat to everyone 
It has to be an invisible sun (oh oh) 
That gives us hope when the whole day's done" - Invisible Sun lyrics


Funny how you hear a bit of something and you have to know what it says. I heard this song last week but I couldn't just use my Shazam app to find out what it was so I did the next best thing. I borrowed the CD from my friend who was playing it and loaded it into my iTunes. Yes music is most definitely a gift from Angels even if it is only a part of a song that pulls together for you. I have hope. Some days I forget to do that but I try to have hope.


Eventually there will be a time when the sun will shine with even more hope on my life. I know I'm not alone and there are things I need to hear. Even if I don't understand why or don't always get what I'm supposed to hear. Sometimes I just need someone to look at me and shake me. I get stuck sometimes in my own sadness and loss. I enjoy the moments I get to have smiles and laughter. Crazy conversations with friends that talk in circles and can pick up just where we left off. I am blessed with lots of invisible sunshine moments. I just have to take my sunglasses off at night to see the light. 


I'm getting it. I have so many moments of joy, laughter and smiles. I like my moments and it is up to me to use those moments of sunshine to live forward when I don't feel like it is good to keep going. I have blessed with amazing people in my life. Loosing Scott broke my heart into a million pieces. I know it will never fit back into the right places but I am where I am supposed to be. I was supposed to love Scott. We were supposed to share that part of our lives but I learned so much and continue to learn about myself each day. 


I wish I could explain to so many people what each moment they have given me to keep going. I love the people that bring me invisible sunshine of hope to keep going at the end of the day when I have to go to bed and face my personal demons that I struggle to battle. I keep trying but one day I would love to be able to curl up into bed and sleep without the meds. I wish I could just stop the images and thoughts that float into my head but I'm working on making them less powerful. I've come so far in that battle. Today I am where I am supposed to be in my journey of living forward. I see hope in the eyes of my friends who give me the invisible sunshine everyday!

Dreams Imagined

I have learned that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. 
       –Henry David Thoreau


Who doesn't want to have the life they have imagined. I still have pieces of a life I have imagined. I miss the big chuck of who I was supposed to share that life with. It doesn't mean I have to stop having the dream. I've tried but it just doesn't work for me to stop with the dreams Scott and I shared. He promised and I believe I will still get those dreams. I'm trying to focus upon those dreams. I can't believe the things that have happened that only Scott and I knew about. I know he is still here. Scott never broke his promises to me. Sometimes it took him a while but he never broke a promise. I can only think that his last promise of "It's okay. I love you!" will be kept. 


I still have some wonderful dreams to make happen. I still have a faith that keeps my beliefs and dreams going. I know I'm not perfect but I don't want to be perfect. I know I have a purpose for still being in this place. I still have my own personal demons to fight. That doesn't mean I've given up on those dreams. I will know that Scott will always be here with me in moments of sadness, joy, triumph, and defeat. I can't win every battle but I will continue to take each moment, minute, hour and day by living forward. 


My life continues to have wonderful unexpected successes in very unusual places. I can only know that Scott knew all my hopes, dreams and fears. He will keep me surprised just as always before. I know with all my heart that love has no bridges, boundaries or hurdles. It just happens and there is not an on/off switch. If you are ever so lucky to find a relationship with that kind of emotion let it happen! Life is just to short not to have that kind of joy! I know!

Eu Du Cookie

"Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful." 
       -Joshua J. Marine


Well I achieved something on my own with a lot of roadblocks but I kept my cool faced them head on and smiled while demanding excellence! I'm even managed to deal with the stress even when I didn't really want to! I know I can take care of myself but it is more fun to share in the triumphs of the day. How else would I have survived without sharing on FB! My life is certainly not boring when I can just make myself get out of the house and live!


I did something else today that I have not done since Christmas of 2009. Our last Christmas together. I baked cookies. I used to bake all the time. I love to bake but it hasn't been as much fun well you know since. I had fun tonight it took my mind off of waiting for the delivery. I even managed to turn the cookies into something cute for tomorrow. I miss this side of me. Scott used to tell me I made the perfect happy homemaker. I never got the chance but I think I would drive everyone nuts with my projects if I actually had time to do all the ones I wanted to do.


Last night I was playing with the washing machine watching the clothes take a bath. It was funny because we had picked out the washer and dryer we wanted before he died, planning ahead. I could feel him with me laughing and joking about the clothes. It is kind of fun. When I was a kid I loved watching the water in the machine. Now I can do it without trying to figure out how to keep the button pushed down. I think my laundry man would have rewashed everything in the house or things like comforters that need to be washed but who wants to be bothered. I didn't cry either. 


That must be progress. I made it through this stress and came out with cookies on the other end. Nothing makes a day better then a chocolate chip cookie. Even better is the best perfume in the world. Eu Du cookie! I keep trying. I don't have anything else to do but keep trying. The world feels a bit more right today. Maybe it's because I fought a small battle. Now I just have to keep going with the war! I'm where I'm supposed to be, surrounded by light and love!

Cliff Diving

"Remember that fear always lurks behind perfectionism. Confronting your fears and allowing yourself the right to be human can, paradoxically, make you a far happier and more productive person." -Dr. David M. Burns

I can say this to myself but I know at least one other person I'd love to say this too . I have achieved so much yet here I am living in fear of my life. I can run a big ticket therapy department. Be one of the top producing teams for the country and provide quality care at the same time but I can't just leap! Scott and I were by no means the super perfect couple but we loved each other. Can you believe I'm afraid of love? I don't want to fail. I don't think I could live through a broke n heart again.

You know. When we are younger it all seems so much easier. Jump off and try. If you go under just move your arms and legs. You'll get somewhere. Why is it okay to hide myself away? I have found the perfect way to do it too! I'm not telling yet because for now it works. I think my unintentional cohort has hopefully figured it out too. It's funny because I'm not a manipulative person. Sure I like to get my way but who doesn't! However I'm not mean spirited or vengeful. Right now I've found the best way to protect myself and I must say I'm very proud of myself. I'm not out for perfection but I'm am out for protection. That is one mean world out there and I think when I'm finally in the right place to leap it will have to be with a person I trust completely. That cliff is a rather large one to be diving off of into the Sea below!

My Side of the Bed

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
       - Eleanor Roosevelt


I must do the one thing I can't do. So really am I ready to do to one thing I am most fearful of doing? The one thing I think that I cannot do? I can't answer that question yet.  I try to sleep in the middle of the bed sprawled out how I used to be. I didn't have a problem with it after Mike and I divorced but yet I'm afraid of taking over my bed. I guess if I do it means that I have to move on in other parts of my life. That I have to be willing to put his things all the way away in boxes in storage until Laynie and I can go through them when she is older. 


Maybe just sleeping on my side means I can still feel him sharing the bed with me. Maybe it means I don't really have to put myself out there and really live life. I'm not even sure what that means. I think I live but my life is just not how it was. I still feel empty. I try to explore and have fun but it is all just so very different now then it used to be. I'm still trying to come to grips with the fact that my life isn't how it was supposed to be according to me. Apparently, God forgot to clue me in to what he really wanted. I did learn how to really love. I did learn how to truly share my heart. I did learn how to be a better friend and love. 


I still have to learn how to keep going and not be so very isolated. I have gotten really good at telling others exactly what they want to hear. I've gotten really good at finding ways to get out of doing things. It would amaze you all if I confessed a few things. I must say having friends who have their own personal demons makes me fit right in. I will be great one day I will conquer the things I think I cannot do! For now I'm exactly right where I am supposed to be on my side of the bed with Scott's pillows filling in for him physically. Emotionally he will be here always. Protecting me, guiding me and showing me the way. I just wish he wasn't so forceful in some of his messages. I will get there when my timing feels right!

Egyptian Proverb

Friendship doubles joy and halves grief.
       - Egyptian Proverb


I can vouch for this! I think the best thing that has ever happened to me since Scott's death has been my friendships. Old most definitely but the best of the things lately has been the blessings of new friendships. I feel like that makes my life full of sunshine. I have some great relationships. It is even better to make them stronger and making new ones. I discovered the other day on a very bad day that I am blessed. I'm still a lot crazy and nuts. I think to much and I get stuck inside my own head way more then people can ever know but I have been surrounded by light and love. 


I don't know if I will still be stuck in memories or if I will ever be able to pack up a closest, sort through a storage shed or stop finding things tucked in my kitchen cabinets that I didn't know were there. It is okay for the moment. I'm the only one who seems to put timelines on myself. Sometimes there may be a rare person that is clueless but certainly not among the people in my life that I love. I had my fairytale. I may not have gotten the forever after happy ending but really do we ever know the end of fairytales? How do we know that Cinderella and Prince Charming did have more wicked stepsister moments? 


I find it funny because I feel like I'm writing the other side of the fairytale. What really happens! I have patients that have been married for 60 years. They were found sharing a bed one night. I love it! Scott and I swore that would have been us. We always had planned on shocking the nurses. I don't give up that hope that I may someday find that person but right now the best place for me to be is with my friends. I know I'm capable of feeling love again because it does happen. I have new friends that I have added to the mix. I know there will only be one Scott. Maybe I will someday realize I can take the next step but that seems like the distance for now. 


I still have hope for that kind of happiness but I know my joy continues to be doubled. Just like on Thursday when I could learn that those moments of unexpected memories and conversations with a ghost can be moved from pain. It just is a matter of reprogramming my brain a bit and accepting the support of my fantastic friends! Thank you for helping me deal with my grief and giving me joy!

Lizard Tales

"...to survive is to let go of old habits, some friends and to shed your tail every now and again. It leaves scars and isn't pretty but if you look close enough what is?" -Mary "In Plain Sight"

Gotta love the DVR and a marathon of episodes. I watch this show and it is funny the things that run through my head. Why is it that we can have a witness protection program for criminals and innocent people who witness bad things but those of us trying so hard to live a new life not by choice... Well you get where my mind goes. Especially now as I've been thinking about a new life!

I have to say yesterday was even more about living life then letting the past take over. I have some new stuff to deal with and a friend I love dearly to support. I also know that it really does matter when you reach out with feelings and words. I have to say I have the most amazing friends in the world! Even when I don't share the entire story somehow someone picks up the pieces and pastes me back together again! That would be something I would hate about the witness protection program!

Mary was talking about a catching a lizard and watching it lose it's tail so it saved itself. I think we call that a protection mechanism! I have plenty of those. It still amazes me though when I have moments that I'm not prepared to deal! I know there will never be a moment that I don't have something clicking but sometimes you just never know. Ah well I have been told today by a wise man with a heart of gold that this will continue to happen for the rest of my life. It is okay to want to escape and it is okay to keep living even if you  have to force yourself.

So let's see how long it takes the tail of this lizard to grow back. I'm thinking I may have to wait or I may even just get a whole different tail! That sounds really funny when you apply my mind mind that doesn't always think sweet good girl thoughts. Oh well that side of me hasn't changed the thoughts that are funny, silly and not so sweet all the time. So off I go to make a continued night of my Plain Sight Marathon.

Horrible Meal

I've had enough. Today I'm done and going to call it. I don't know what else to do. I looked up jobs and licensure laws in Alaska! I'm really serious about this. I'm sick of this half life. Scott didn't leave me on purpose and he certainly wouldn't want me to be sitting around crying, making myself sick and just getting by. I need to make some very large decisions. I keep joking that I have three years to do that but somehow my life is telling me I need to do that sooner.

I realized something very hard today! I'm trying for all the wrong reasons. I am so true to myself and have been for the last few years. Even before Scott died. I don't pretend to be anything that I'm not and I reached of a point of being comfortable in my own skin. That is why I have been so free with all of my emotions in my blog. I am who I am but I have to find a better reason to keep living forward.

Somehow somewhere I will find where I belong but this isn't it anymore. I'm in a house surrounded by memories that have comforted me. I live in a place that I can't go anywhere without seeing Scott everywhere. It happened today in a restaurant I have been in once with Scott. I sat in my spot staring at the place we sat and all this came flooding back. An entire conversation. I was done. I faked my way through the meal. I don't like it and I can't do it anymore. I need to stop living this way.

The only good part and the only reason I was able to even attempt to stay focused was because of my two friends. I'm so good at pretending to live but it's not fair to the others in my life. I can't keep going this way. I went back to my desk and my stomach went nuts. I didn't keep going. I came home and collapsed in my bed. I hate that I keep trying and somehow I get thrown a curve I wasn't expecting. I'm tired of fighting to keep going. Today I have no words of wisdom and with this I'm going back to my bed where I have been since 3 pm today!

Actions to Happiness

"Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action."
       - Benjamin Disraeli




Oh how so true. Sitting waiting for things to happen that make you happy... Wow! Wouldn't it be nice if your life were so easy that everything you ever wanted was handed to you on a silver platter. I think that would be rather sad and lonely. How would you cultivate true relationships and feel accomplishment about the people and things in your life. 


I know I have found happiness in bits and pieces because I haven't just hidden myself away in the pain, loneliness and sadness. I'm here with actions to live forward. I like that the one thing I figured out so early on was that I was the only one who could make the action happen to find happiness.  There are so many pieces that I have collected to this puzzle that fell apart in my hands. So many times I have wanted to die. I wanted to be in the pond and just stop trying. My actions have been to fight those feelings. I have to work very hard at the actions that lead me to happiness. 


Even still after walking so many days and miles I still have to fight those feelings of giving up. I work each day to make myself get out of the bed and into the shower. I know if I have conquered the shower I can make it through the rest of the day. I know I have found so many moments of happiness but this battle will never be over. My life is never going to stop being a battle for the happiness. I want that happiness. I love knowing that it is possible to keep trying. I'm never going to say that any of these steps have been easy. I have tons of support that make me know it is possible to keep going. I have my prayers and my support from God and my Angel. He will be here with me forever. I will just keep my actions headed toward happiness. It's not a guarantee but I keep trying. That is all I can do because giving up is not where I am supposed to be.

Capacity to Feel

"Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed."
       - Storm Jameson


Risking life! Isn't that the hardest thing to do? Step out of the safety net and feel! I know there are many forms of pain and heartache. I've had my fair share but who hasn't?  In the past it never stopped me from just being out there and keep going. In high school having a crush and being rejected. In college a long-term relationship end in heartbreak because of my own fears. Losing your husband in a tragic accident. They all have the ups and downs of feeling. I miss feeling. I have sheltered myself and stick to safety. How do you take a risk?


I also miss being needed. These summer breaks have always been hard because Hannah doesn't need me right now. I chose to let her go and I have since she was a baby because I know she needs to know Grandma's love and caring. Letting them develop that relationship has always been a strong feeling I have had. I got the joy with my Grandma and it was one of the greatest relationships I will ever have. I want that for Hannah too. In that I have to learn to let go. She doesn't need me all the time. There are other kinds of needs out there but I try not to think about those needs for myself. I miss being needed in those kinds of ways but that requires the first piece - risk taking. 


The part I have become an expert during this new phase in my life is simplicity. There is nothing more fulfilling then  sitting in silence in my quiet spot looking out and reflecting on where I am in life. I don't need to be surrounded by busy work. I don't require bringing work home to stop living. I know that I am a stronger, more emotionally focused person because I am aware of the moments of my life's simple times. I have many moments of complications but I can and will keep going because I can put myself into timeout and just be me.


I feel deeply. I feel the love and loss that is my life. I also know I have the power to feel deeply again. I have the capacity to love again because it isn't something that you can stop. You can't put rules on when love happens. It is just really awesome and amazing when you open your heart and let it flow. It is okay to put yourself out there and risk the power of love. Hurt can be overcome you just have to take the time to recognize that life is worth living and trying to find happiness. I have a past that has formed who I am and who I will become but I won't let it keep me held captive. Life is waiting. Happiness is waiting. I'm waiting with open arms. 

Not Filtering

This thing that is my so called life. I have oh so many choices to do - finish laundry, put the dishes into the dishwasher, dry the cat, work on work stuff, dry the cat. Well you know life without anyone in the house is very sad, lonely and quiet. I've been in this really crazy mood and I keep saying stuff that is a bit out there for me. It is so funny how I don't know who I am yet I know who I am. So I sit here playing games and watching teen girl shows on the DVR that Hannah has recorded. Oh well let's see what else could I do. I'm bored with myself!!!

How do I overcome this situation. I have three years to live life in these spurts of alone time. I do really well for a bit and then it hits me that this is going to be my life. Maybe that is why I get in these crazy, silly moods trying to stay happy! I like the euphoria of being happy. I don't do anything that is damaging but I can certainly see how people in my situation can easily become addicted to stuff or do really scary things trying to find where they belong again.

I've come so far but yet I know I still have so far to go. The thing is I also think I'm more developed then "normal" people. Today a friend laughingly said, "you are crazy but that's why we get along so well because I'm crazier!" Isn't crazy just a relative term. Just like normal. This is my new normal! I'm still not happy with my new normal but well I don't have any say in the matter so I'll stick to it! I will take my crazy moments of nuttiness. I'm just so glad I have friends who understand those moments of my silliness. Except there is always truth in whatever comes out of my mouth when I forget to turn on my filter!!!

I have so many hobbies and not any energy to work on any of them. Oh well maybe I will find that part of my life someday soon! Maybe it is a good thing I'm alone. Who knows what I really might say tonight! Scott knew exactly what I needed when I'm this way, it's just there is no one to really tell that truth to! Maybe my filter is on more then I realize.

Part of a Couple

Just what the doctor ordered! Margaritas, pool time and great friends! I had the best time last night and still felt like Scott was there just watching the fun. Isn't that where I need to be? Feeling love from above and feeling like I can live life to the fullest. I am happy to report that I am figuring more of how to live "AS" (after Scott). I not saying I always like it and I miss him no less then ever but I live!

I know it is possible to live this life and be okay. I know in our society it is hard to not be part of a couple but last night my family, couple friends were great. I didn't feel odd or left out. I did miss my half but I was okay too. Does that make sense? Hey I can live life and I don't have to be part of a couple. It is funny to admit that I don't need to be part couple to feel complete. I didn't even when I was the other half but it is fun to have someone who "gets me!" Last night we were talking and one of my girlfriends and I were laughing when she said, "I'll send him over anytime!" I laughed and said I didn't need to be on any episode of Sister Wives. We had so much fun and I loved feeling part of the group.

For so long now I have felt like I'm on the outside looking in. Not because of anything anyone has done but that has been where my emotions have been. It is hard to figure out how to keep living when you are used to be together with someone. Having that someone you can look at, smile and share thoughts. Don't get me wrong I do miss that but I can live life and enjoy myself. I have learned so much more about answering the challenge that is life without a partner. I will still have those moments of self-doubts but I am learning in each day. I will continue to be where I am supposed to be with my fantastic friends and family. I have support I just have to reach out and accept it. I'm where I'm supposed to be - aren't I?

Crazy Thoughts

‎"We often block our own blessings because we don't feel inherently good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, or worthy enough."


Guilty! I'm so bad about this. I think it defines my life. I loved that with Scott. He always made me feel like I was perfect. I miss that feeling. There is just something about that person in your life who just makes it all feel right. I'm trying to give myself credit but just having a flirty friend isn't quite the same now is it!


I try to laugh at some of the crazy things that used to be my life but then again I have crazy things and people that are my life now. Treasure the memories and savor the moments. Now can you just remind me that I'm not perfect but still lovable. However where is that guy that just walks up grabs me and gives me a big kiss? It is this strange mood I'm in today. I heard a commercial 12 times today. The lady who lives across the hall from my office watches TVland and Hallmark channel all day. By the end of the day I was giggling to myself and thinking I deserve an audience with the company's president. I had too much of my own company today. That can be good and bad.


I'm trying to keep positive about my looks, smarts, worthiness and that yes I'm still good enough for someone else in my life. Hey maybe I need to drift over to Match.com LOL! Nope not my style. I'm not sure dating will ever be my style. Oh well I guess I will stick to hanging with my friends and trying to stay positive about myself. Just smile and keep on going right? I don't think I have any other choices these days.

Entitlement

Let's see, I cried putting on my wedding rings, I cried thinking about my birthday, I cried thinking about Hannah being gone for two weeks, I cried at the dentist's office, I cried driving to work, does that equal enough tears. No well then there was the shower, watering plants, I think I'm done for the day. Time for mind numbing television and comfort food. It is amazing what a routine does for me.

The funny thing is a routine started the crying this morning. I reached to put on my wedding rings when I slid them onto my left hand without even thinking about it. I consciously switched them months ago. I don't even think about putting them on my right hand but then suddenly today was backwards. I realized what I had done, sat down on the bed and sobbed. I guess life caught up to me again. I think I will forever be entitled to these moments. Even though I am so far from where all this began, I think I get to feel the pain. I'm okay with the moments of pain when they are moments. When it is an entire day I don't know how to handle that anymore. I've gotten used to joy, smiles and laughter. 

Maybe it is the moon? Maybe it is the heat? Maybe it is the inability to sleep? Maybe it is finally coming down from the power and magnitude of Alaska? Maybe it is the realization that I celebrated another birthday without the fuss Scott used to make? I tend to think it is just a big combo of it all. That's okay I believe it is one of the few spots in life where a person has earned the power of entitlement. That entitlement ends if I keep in the same path for longer then this day. I'm working on getting myself out of the mood though. Nothing like the fluff of living in the Big Brother house and Mint Oreo cookies. Now some real laughter with Drew Carey Improv-a-ganza! Laughter always solves my sadness!!! 

Freedom and Waiting

I give myself the gift of freedom from the past, and move with joy into the now. - Louise L. Hay


"The worst part of life is waiting. The best part of life is having someone worth waiting for." - unknown




Today didn't start out the best. Not like I had hoped for yesterday. I had the craziest nightmares last night. I woke up about every two hours in fright, flight or tears. It's not easy starting a day that held so much promise that way. The only dream I recall is being held captive in my home with my friends little girl, some cats and Scott by people we couldn't see. The house was under constant surveillance and we had tasks to do to earn freedoms. It was odd to feel so trapped in a life that wasn't right. Hey that sounds somewhat familiar. Maybe I was trying to find answers in my sleep. I just wish it wasn't with so little sleep.


I'm ready to give myself the freedom from the past and move into joy. I think I've been doing this without even noticing because somewhere in today I found smiles, laughter and fun. I can't believe this day actually turned around. It wasn't what I was looking forward to but somehow it was different but it worked. It is amazing how much different life can be when you grant yourself permission to live. I'm making it and I never thought I would be able to say that. I like that I did look forward to today. It didn't make it quite to where I wanted but it was still good. I like to know that I can smile with other people. I like to know I am living and it doesn't take much effort like it used to. 


Hey maybe those daily prayers are working. I'm getting stronger then I even knew was possible. Surround me with Your light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way! I'm finding my way! Now I guess I have to know that waiting continues to make me stronger too! 

Looking Forward to Tomorrow

Wow what a day. It seems like there are days that just don't stop with craziness but then smack dab in the middle of the day is a moment of complete quiet. That happened today. I don't know how or why but I was swamped as is when returning back to work after taking a vacation. I love that feeling of having things to do, a purpose, a place to be. When suddenly this afternoon the world that is my office was completely silent. I took a moment to reflect. It certainly pays to take the those moments we are handed when you least expect them.

Then I take the leap right back into life. It seems like I don't have a choice to stop living. So with that in mind I think it is important to find the moments of fun. I know I can work really hard for the rest of my life but I can't live life focused on something that doesn't really give love back. I do my job but I can't and won't just let my job become the only focal point I have in life. It is really hard though when I come home to an empty house. Hannah has her life and I have to face that my life is constantly in change.

I think I'm learning to deal with that change. I'm not saying I'm good at facing it all the time but I'm trying. I think interjecting fun into my life is the best way to keep coping with the moments that overwhelm me. I have to admit they continue to be fewer. I remember the times when it was nonstop and now I can say I have had days of smiles without tears. I can also say it is ok to have the moments I go from tears to smiles. Today was one of those days but I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It has been a long time since I've been able to say that I'm looking forward to a tomorrow.

The Future

I don't even know where to begin after so long. I have to say that this was a trip of a lifetime! BUT!!! yes that was a large one! There were people I missed being gone for so long. I have just been sorting through pictures this evening and I realized there were photos I took for specific people in mind when I took them. Now I just hope those people recognize the ones that were for them.

I think this is a huge step for me during this trip. I know Scott is always with me but for me to recognize the importance of the connections of the people and relationships with the living is very big. I think I have made huge strides in the last 12 days. Now if I can keep that up I am where I am supposed to be in this moment in time. It is funny because today I was talking to a friend about the trip and was specifically asked what I did on my birthday. I have to say I freely admit that I hid for most of the day. My  Mom found me and Hannah found me but I was able to find nooks and crannies on the ship to sit, read and look at the miles of vistas passing by. I also took a nice nap and after dinner spoiled myself with a massage and facial.

This trip wasn't meant to cure me of what I still feel but it did help me heal a lot more. I can say my life is getting easier. I am making more steps and in a place I'd never thought I'd be. I am living life with Scott tucked in my heart for always but I can keep going. I can keep growing. The sadness is much less and my heart feels joy and promise. I know there is more in my future and I will keep growing. I wasn't able to blog each day because service was spotty and expensive on the ship. I do think I will go back to Alaska. There is more to see. I said I believe I have found the place I should be. People think I'm kidding but I fell in love with Ketchikan, Alaska! I may just have to visit and like our guide still be there "visiting" 15 years later! Who knows time will tell me when I am in the place I am supposed to be!

Now back to sorting through the 2000+ pictures and find the perfect way to make them shine in our scrapbook. Maybe someday I will catch up! Hmm sounds like a great project for a snowy Alaskan day sometime in the future! Who knows!

The Moment

My life is a bunch of photos these days is a bunch of photos but that's all good because I have many new memories to go along with the albums. Today I can say that it is my life. I still feel him everywhere. Hannah and I walked into a shop and "Blue Skies" was playing. It will all be good. I'm making it through this trip. I am where I'm supposed to be.

Tomorrow will a short day at Icy Point or Hoonan as the locals say. For me it will be a not leave the ship kind of day. Life. What can I say about my own when I'm surrounded by all of this majestic scenery. This is my life and at this is where I'm supposed to be for the moment.

Let's keep exploring Alaska because soon vacation will be over and I will have to face my own life alone. It will be okay because I don't have to think about it right now. I'm living in the moment!!

Vistas and Views

This trip has been one awe inspiring moment after another. Yesterday we cruised into the bay where Hubbard Glacier resides. We were treated to sights and sounds of the glacier caving. When we pulled in the captain came over the loud speaker and announced the two days prior there was no ice floating in the bay. He turned us to the port side and we spent two hours watching mostly in silence from my balcony. Sometimes we would be told to yell out while Captain Claus blew the horn. Right after the last one a piece of the glacier fell. It was about 7 stories tall at least. As we left he announced in all his years we were very lucky to see one that large.

Now we have arrived in Juneau. This is a very small place only accessible by boat or seaplane. Hannah and I are currently sitting on top of Mt Roberts eating lunch. Crab cakes and dungeness crab with another spectacular view. I wonder if I lived here if the views would just be old hat. This trip has proven to me that I have a ways to go but I have come so far. Last night in the dining room all dressed to the nines a Willie Nelson musax version was playing overhead. Scott's here with me in spirit.

And on another note my beautiful 15 year old draws a lot of attention. I'm glad she doesn't notice or she would be super self conscious. Last night we were doing group family photos and the photographers kept singling her out for individual photos. I'm so excited for more of this trip. Tomorrow we sail to Skagway and board the steam train for a ride into the Yukon. Each day has been amazing. Today isn't over yet we will be boarding our private whale watching tour just for this family. And shock and aw I hiked on Mt Roberts today. Nature girl maybe.

Majestic Mt. McKinley

What a day yesterday. How can I ever find words to describe what Hannah and I experienced yesterday. To see the top of the highest peak in North America from an airplane with the sun shining brilliantly. I reached as close to God and Scott I can get. The love the magic the brilliance. I have been blessed.

Hannah and I were the only two who received this gift from our travel group. There were originally 22 people signed up on the flight but they all cancelled when they couldn't do the glacier landing. For me the glacier landing would have been nice but I got what I needed out of the flight. I am blessed. Hannah is blessed.

When we met the tour guide this morning, Cam was all smiles. He looked at Hannah and I and said "you too won!" He told us how lucky we were. The storms yesterday around the mountain were bad. We flew around them and felt God! That is the only way I can explain yesterday. I know I have a life to live and wow is all I can say. When I decide to do something it just seems to happen.

Today we have traveled back to Anchorage by motor coach to catch the train to Seward where we will board the ship. Next stop Hubbard Glacier and at day at sea! I love how complete I feel in my own skin for a change. I'd forgotten who this person is. Onward and upward I've got more journey to travel.