Power to Wish

You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however.
       - Richard Bach


Yes I can make my wishes come true! I believe in the magic and the power of dreams. It may be the best way to keep my goals in front of me. I know I'm going to make it. I know how far I've come but it is so hard sometimes to see the future. The battles just keep happening. I'm worn out but I know I am the only one who can do some of these battles. There are days when I hate my life, well I should be clearer and say I hate events in my life. My life is otherwise good. Not always good but great moments make it possible to keep going.


I'm fighting battles that I know I don't have to do on my own. I am choosing to make changes in my life because I have to stay around for Hannah. If stress and no immune system lower my chances for being here for the big events of my daughter's life then no amount of money earned and battles fought with petty people matter. I like the moments where I listen to my heart and travel the path that makes a difference to a life other then mine. 


Tomorrow will be a new journey. I have to make it know I can but I'm scared to do this alone. I know Scott is with me but having that hand to hold mine and the kiss that it's okay! I love you! goes so much further. I'm scared but I'm trying not to worry. How can it not all be okay when I keep hearing, My Heart I'm here. I don't need to worry or panic. I can do this on my own. I don't have a choice. My wishes can come true but I have to be here for all of them to happen! Just say prayers for me! I need my Angels called out in full force. I need to know I can make it further into my steps living forward. I wish, I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight!  Bring on the fireworks, oh wait that's in three weeks. 

Doors Held Open

I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible to you.
       - Matthew 17:20


I have that feeling that something good is about to happen. Not only did my fortune tell me so I can feel it. It is like that Scott voice I hear in my head sometimes has a lot to say lately. I keep telling you I know he is here. I had a great conversation about that subject on Monday. It made me feel like soaring to hear someone else say that to me. Someone with a loss but a different situation to feel the say way about the life beyond our mortal bodies. Scott and God are here guiding me, supporting me and showing me the way. I know where I'm headed. I feel the push. I hear the voice telling me you got it, my heart! The magic is there you just have to reach. The wonderful life you want is waiting for you just reach.


I feel like that little mustard seed. I look up at this mountain that has been a black cloud of grief and I know I can conquer. Me, this tiny little insignificant package in the scheme of life, is like the little mustard seed. If you have ever had a mustard seed the flavor is powerful and packs a punch. I pack that punch to take each day and make it my own. Tonight sitting at the Chinese Buffet with Hannah I saw a man who could have been Scott's twin. In the past I would have sat and cried. Tonight I watched and smiled to myself. I know it wasn't him. I know I would love for it to be but I also know I can't have that wish. Trust me I still wish it but it doesn't happen. I can conquer that grief mountain but I can't change the events of the past with a wiggle of my nose.


I am making a choice today to attempt to erase the line I keep towing in the sand. To try to make my life more where I want to be. I am ready to leap and I can't do that where I am. I know I am happy in myself and the door is open just across that line. It is like it is being held open just for me. You know that feeling when a true gentleman holds the door and lets you go first. It makes me feel special. I feel like Scott is there making sure that door is open for me. I have the choice to cross the threshold to reach for that something wonderful in my life. I get to keep chipping away at that black cloud. I get to share my smile, love, and laughter to bring happiness beyond me. I  have my life and I understand where I am. I know where I want to be and that has to come from my efforts. I won't just sitting around watching life happen around me! I will keep living forward!

Excellence not Perfectionism

"Be a yardstick of quality. Some people aren't used to an environment where excellence is expected." -Steve Jobs


So I have learned a huge lesson! I am glad I am willing to keep learning and not shut my mind down to changes and growth. If I did I would be no where. I also happen to know my Mother would kick my butt if I didn't keep trying to grow in my life. Now back to where I was...my mind does wander at times.


Oh yes, what I have learned. I'm not so much of a perfectionist but I believe in trying to achieve excellence. I'm not okay with letting go and just doing the bare minimum. I want to be good at what I do. Not because I have to be better then others. I've never thought I was better then others! I want to achieve excellence because when I do my attempts matter to those around me. There is change abound but I can't just sit on my laurels and not learn. It is my job to make a difference in my patient's lives. The sad thing is there are people who don't do their best, strive for excellence. 


I may never be Steve Jobs. I don't really want to be. I'm happy with trying my hardest. When days set me back I just have to keep trying. I may not be where I'm supposed to be though. I know I matter to someone though. I don't have to travel my road alone. I know I am not the only one who strives for excellence in life. I want to be surrounded by those people. I like reaching for the people who are positive influences in my life. I am amazed each day by the people who don't try who thrive on negativity but then there is that one person who makes it all better. To know that things are taken care of when you ask because it is the right thing to do for the patients. 


I will continue to push myself to achieve excellence. I can make it. I will continue to challenge myself to be the best at what I try. That doesn't mean I want to be perfect. I don't even know how to do that but I want to reach for stars. I want my life to matter when it is my time to join Scott in our castle. I know he will be there but I get to keep living and trying. I get to try to have a relationship again that matters with someone else. I keep working on myself first. I have to get over my own fears. I know what I want and where I want to be. I am in the right place to make a difference. It may only be in a kind word or a smile but I know I matter. I know trying to achieve excellence matters. I can't fix others but I can set an example to be where I am supposed to be and not doubt myself because of others negative opinions. 

New Life Math

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.
       - Proverbs 29:11


Let me just say that I tried really hard not to lose it this afternoon but at moments I didn't succeed. I worked through it and could hear Scott in my head. At that point it was all I could do not to laugh. I knew what Scott would be thinking. At that moment I missed his ability to work really hard and make a difference in the world without demanding attention. I took the great points of my day and went there. I just know there are some people I have to just smile and move on. I got the answers I needed from the interaction and my anger was gone. I moved on.


I had a great day, a great conversation and my favorite food. I got a ton of things done and worked hard and fast. I sat with a friend today talking about life, Angels and the great beyond. It is closer then we think until you need them. I know things with all my heart and someday I may find the place where that happiness is most of the time again. I reach for the stars and maybe I will find the moon! 


I'm willing to try new things. I am happy with who I am. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes in my life but I know I do what I feel is the best in the moment. I pray for continued light and love. I know I am given strength and courage to make it through the rough spots. I miss my life but I am becoming more comfortable in my new one. I still want to reach out and do the unexpected but I'm afraid. I don't know if I'm ready for the chance to be broken again. I'm afraid to be more then I am in this moment in time. I have finally become comfortable knowing I am where I am supposed to be and not worry so much about the risks that I need to take to leap into the unknown. Let me keep taking the baby steps for now. Somehow they have begun to add up to a new life. 

Silent Progress

True progress quietly and persistently moves along without notice
      - St. Francis of Assisi 


Progress is ongoing. I have learned that through so much of the last 18 months. Today was a quiet hide in the house day.  We didn't do anything but rest. Hannah burned her candle out and sounds like a squeaky mouse so we rested. We took a breath to continue with the progress of living forward.


I don't know what to do sometimes but resting is a good place to be. I just keep thinking of Scott and how he would be making me get up and move and do. I know I have things to do, chores to complete but in the scope of life those things don't matter. I know Hannah and I have formed a stronger bond because we do these days together. Who doesn't love pajama day? Today I made a mess in the kitchen cooking breakfast/lunch. When I opened the cabinet for the toaster I looked down and there were the things Scott had bought on his last trip to Walmart for me. Maybe someday when the cookies are petrified I might be able to throw them away. It was progress though that I didn't start crying.


Hannah and I finally left the house a bit ago because we wanted ice cream. She drove. That is progress for me to let her drive. And progress for her because she conquered her fear of Sonic. We ended up at Sonic because DQ doesn't seem to think the 15 cars trying to go through the drive-thru deserve their business. Who closes at 9pm at night? Oh well for us it meant that Hannah has learned how to work Sonic. This may be good and bad. Together each of us is growing and living forward. Someday I hope to look up and find that I have made progress to many days without tears. He is my heart and my love but I still have to live. 

Succeeding or Surviving

"You owe it to yourself to find your own unorthodox way of succeeding, or sometimes, just surviving."
       - Michael Johnson


I am surviving because I am living this new life with my own skills and abilities. I reach for the people I need help from. I accept help from the most unexpected people and places. Sometimes I make it at a marathon pace, others I barely make it at all. I live forward one day at a time.


Yesterday was good and bad. There were moments when I thought I was losing my mind but my memory is too good for that. There was a moment where I realized I'm scared of someone and the biggest step was why! There were moments where I saw the greatest joy of my life feel panic and joy all in a fifteen minute span. I get to be the proud mama for great reasons. I know she has received the greatest foundation in life and grown up at a very young age. Hannah makes me so proud with her confidence, joy and determination to conquer to the best of her abilities. Her successes give me ongoing hope that she has a bright shining world of Angels guiding her way. Her failures are learning experiences for her to achieve greatness with a kind heart and great spirit. 


I had my own success last night. I did all of the events to see Hannah shine, alone. Mike didn't tag along, although invited and my parents were on a trip. I made the rounds of all the homecoming events with my own Angels. I didn't feel lost or alone last night sitting/standing in a crowd of people. I felt alive. It would have been nice to share but I have my own memories for Hannah. I played mammarazzi and captured the moments for Hannah to share with her children. For her to know I love her when I can't be there anymore. I fight my body to keep going for her. 


I would have loved to have had a hand to hold or a smile to share the joyful moments but I don't have that all the time. I have to rely only on myself and my own skills to make it through the rough moments. I found times to share my moments with friends that were around but to have that person around is better. I will make it because I have the strength and will to survive. I will treasure all my new memories and bundle them with the old. My life matters to most importantly Hannah. My Angel was with me too.


I know this because when I got in the car to head home alone, the movement for the theme to Sleeping Beauty began to play. "I know you. I walked with you once upon a dream." Scott is always giving me my soundtrack to life. He will never be far as he shares in the moments of our daughters lives! I wish I could be there for Laynie as much as for Hannah! I love them both. I am where I am supposed to be. Hannah is my reason to keep living and loving. Without her my life would be empty. God knew what he was doing when he gave her to me to raise. I am very proud to see her grow and feel her love. I am finding my way to living forward in my own moments. I will make it because I find the love and support in the best places!

Longstanding Kindnesses

Kindness is tenderness. Kindness is love, but perhaps greater than love...Kindness is good will. Kindness says, "I want you to be happy.
       - Randolph Ray


Have you ever had a day where you try really hard to not make your bad mood rub off on others? Rhonda tells me she can see me trying. My smile doesn't reach my eyes and I may be fuming inside but I hold it all together until I can get away from a situation. I try I just keep trying because that isn't who I am. I would be that Miss America contestant that wants world peace. I want everyone to play nice and help each other. It has been a few days where I want to strangle someone. I'm not like that but sometimes I just can't take much more. Then something happens and I get a day brightening moment.


I have a good friend that brightened my day today. I can't even describe our friendship because I don't get it either. It is just easier to go with it and it works for both of us.  I called for work and he asked how I was doing. I know it doesn't matter what I say we can talk outside of work. My answer to how's my day was, 'trying not to let my bad mood rub off on others." He told me "I can take it." I end up laughing and giggling like a teenager. Too bad the pool doesn't come with a cabana boy. I love those moments and I felt better. My bad mood was gone. I love my friends! I hope I have the same effect.  Why do I know the importance of a the connections with a friend like that? Shared jokes, laughter and smiles makes kindness matter. Take the time to give a moment. We need each other and sometimes we don't see until it is too late.


Kindness can come in so many forms. A smile, a hug, a shared laugh. Those little moments make each day better for someone. I try to share the kindnesses given to me. Tonight I was at the Homecoming Pep Rally and I was surrounded by more love and kindness of new friends, old friends and Mike. It is fun to share the moments of our children's lives. I'm so thankful that Mike and I can share the kindness and love for Hannah. I watched the kids with a great joy in my heart. They are the future and what I do for Hannah matters. The moments of the years with Scott always remind me each day that I am still here for a reason. I have a purpose and the interactions I have with others mean we are all supposed to be connected. I know without a doubt souls are connected and it is up to  each of us to take advantage of the relationships we are given. To learn to love and share without fear. To make someone else's day with kindness. 


My day was touched with kindness by so many others. I want to thank each of you for the kindness you have shown to me today. I hope I was able to take your kindness and pass it on to make someone else's day. Thank you for all that you have done for me today. The kind words, the hugs, the laughter and friendship from you all make a difference in how I get through each day. I am where I am supposed to be and you are in my life for a reason. I hope that time is long and lasting! I know my prayers are answered each day through the kindness and love of my friends!

Fear of the Battery

"As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
       - Nelson Mandela


Fear of the future, fear of the hear and now, fear of the past. Each day is full of things to fear, the real and imagined. We can live each day but then something my give us a moment to fear. I have all kinds of fears but I tackle them all just to get out of bed. I have learned that my fear comes from not knowing. When I feel that I try to find a way to educate myself out of my fears. 


Isn't that what it takes to improve yourself in life? I don't want to be stuck in a place that is stagnant, sad and lonely. I don't want to be afraid of life that I am paralyzed in a ghost of a life. I don't want to be afraid of people and events around me that I can't move. I want to keep growing, learning and loving life. Then things happen and I have to deal with real life and real moments. Where is the utopia I have in my mind? I'm not sure but I keep trying. 


Little disappointments but then there are fun moments woven into my life. Tired exhausted and ready to call life a day I come home to the my one joy. The house is full of memories of love and laughter but more importantly new happy moments with Hannah. We have our ups and downs, tiffs and spats, tears and laughter. Tonight was no different. She was asleep when I came home later then usual with dinner. We ate and she headed out to finish the mowing she started three weeks ago. She had run out of gas and left the lawn mower in the back yard. When she did she left the key in the on position, which you guess it, drained the battery.


We had to search for the jumper cables. I knew I had thrown one set away because it had died of rust after being in the water with Scott. We looked and looked and wouldn't you know we found it just where Scott had moved it. Another Scott chore to do. We pushed the lawn mower from the back forty and figured out how to jump start the lawn mower. I have to admit we learned with a bit of instructional help from Mike. We conquered our fear of the power of the battery and achieved girl power in the process.  Every time I learn from a fear I know I have made progress in the life that I'm left with after facing my greatest fear of life. I hope I never have to face that fear again but somewhere in all of the last almost eighteen months I have learned to live forward one moment at a time.  

Infinite Hope

We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.
      - Martin Luther King


I have hope I can have no less because Scott loves me to infinity and beyond. That love gives me hope to keep going even on days that I don't understand life or people or parts of my life. I'm such a silver lining person that I when I have days that don't make sense I have to pray to find my balance once again. If you believe and stay positive good things will happen. I believe with all my heart that hope is what keeps me going. 


I have so much hope in my heart. Not just for myself but trying to do the things that make a difference in the lives of others. There are times when I beat myself up for not being able to do it all or keep it all together. I keep trying. One little setback doesn't make my life mean less.  Today I took a day that wasn't to be mine and made it mine. I have so much to do but a break without feeling like I was worthless was a great day. I took the afternoon to be in my happy place. I know I have come so very far when the back porch where I sat waiting on Scott to come home is my place for  joy and peace. I still managed to squeeze some work into my afternoon. 


There are still so many things to look forward to this week. I have so many Mom activities for homecoming. I hope Hannah is learning to grab the memories of all these events. I want her life to be magical. I would like for my life to continue to be magical but my story is a little rough around the edges. I miss my fairytale but I do know I learned how to have hope and love in my life. There is a little voice that makes my days feel like I can keep going with infinite hope. I feel the magic even in the disappointments. Something happens to make my day. Someday! Someday! Someday! Hope keeps me going!

Life is a Cliche

I must say there is never a dull moment in my life. I have so many medical issues but the ongoing is the lack of an immune system due to my MS. Apparently that means I get to have all kinds of other things. Today it is a diagnosis of Shingles. The good thing is I can keep going if I listen to my body like I always do. Now there are some other things going on too but no sense getting worked up. Just gotta have some more tests. I did finally find a new MD who will listen to me and work with me. He has already figured out that I'm an unusual duck and a challenge to his medical knowledge. Someday maybe all the right things will fall into place. It may be a cure or it may be the end of my life. Either way I will get my wish. I don't have the answers but I know I listen to my body and advocate for myself.

I'm glad my life moves at a fast pace because most of the time it keeps me from focusing on the bad in my life. Tonight I'm liking the busy because it keeps me from focusing on the pieces of me that are broken. That's still a lot of me but tonight is more physical then emotional. I dropped the teen girl at band and then headed to meet my bunco buddies for dinner. I can't believe it is time for bunco season to start again. Where has the summer gone? For that matter where has September gone? I have dates coming up again that make me focus on the here and now. I'm trying to keep living forward and not focus on the past. I want new things to happen.  I have Hannah and I love her dearly but my mind often wanders to "what happens after she goes to college?"

I'll get to find where I'm supposed to be. Right now it's good to be a bit crazy. It seems to be part of my personality, organized chaos. I must get to cope well with days that are full. I need to rest apparently. I will listen to my body. When I wear out during the day I will stop and go home. I don't have to do it all. I can't do it all but when I try it keeps me from crying. Although, who am I kidding, I still cry daily and I will just keep living forward. I don't have another choice. I am where I am supposed to be but I don't like it much. My immune system is telling me I have to deal with issues and hiding them isn't any good. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time and all the other cliches that go along with my life!

Love's Everlasting Courage

To succeed... you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.
       –Tony Dorsett

Isn't that true about everything we try to do in life? I have a patient that is always giving up. She fights us everyday about the things we want her to do to get better. Sometimes I'm the same way. I fight myself trying to get better. Then I remember I need to keep going. I hold onto the Love that is my life. I look around at my life and know that Love is the defining moment for everything I do. I still remember fighting so hard against falling in love with Scott but it was bigger then I could stop. We had our ups and downs but through it all we loved. I know that love will always be there. "It's okay! I love you!" gets me through each day. It is what I hold onto. 

What motivates me? Why Hannah of course. How else would I be here without her? She keeps me going when I don't feel like taking another step. She has her own life but I know without me her life would be different. I don't want to even know what her life would be without me. I'm not so selfish to think I'm the only one who matters in this entire experience but I know that she still needs me in her life. I need her too! She is an amazing beautiful young woman. We may have our moments but she will always be the love of my life!

Inspiration! How do I find it to keep going? I don't know I guess that is where Courage becomes my inspiration. The courage of other's to face their lives without giving up. I'm just a face in the crowd. I don't do anything different then so many others. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes everyday. I have learned to have the courage to try again. I'm willing to try love again. Isn't that what is my inspiration - "Loves Everlasting Courage." It will take the courage to keep going for the rest of my days. I can't do that without the love that is in my life. I will keep reaching because courage is what gets me out of bed each day. Courage is what it takes to know I may just be a face in a crowd but my story matters to at least a few people. Courage of others to fight for our country, save lives, fight crime, battle fires and the list goes on; inspires me to know my life does matter and it is up to me to have my own courage to make at least a small difference for the good of others. "It's okay! I love you!" 

Homecoming Date

"One joy scatters a hundred griefs." 
       - Chinese Proverb


Today started out really bad. I woke up from a nightmare. I was sweating and trembling as I was coming awake. As I came awake I saw Scott clearly. That sent me into tears because I needed him and he was there. I could feel the pain from the dream but I knew he was there. I'm not sure if I make sense but he was here. He has been here all day.  We had a bunch of chores to do today. I hate getting up on Saturday morning before noon but here I was. Up and attem cleaning away then to Wal-mart all before noon. 


As we were walking through Wal-mart the music was doing it's thing. I knew he was still there. We stopped in the light bulb aisle because they need replacing all over the house and it was a chore Scott used to do. As we came out of the aisle I hear this loud pop. I look down and one of the packages of light bulbs from the cart has jumped ship. There was no way for it to hit the floor it was in there secure. The others hadn't moved. He had to be there because then the I hear the music "Heaven Isn't Too Far Away!" Hannah wandered off to pick up something she had to have as I slowly made my way to the front of the store. 


She took a bit and the song changed to "Amazed!" Do you know how much it took me to not stand there with tears rolling down my face. I kept it together barely. He was there. He was ready to have some fun! Hannah and I talked about it briefly but we kept going. We had a party to get going. We booked it around the house trying to get it all done. I went into Hannah's room and changed one of the bulbs. It was working just fine. I performed a Scott chore! Hannah then yells at me to come change the bulb. I had done it but it flickered and popped when she walked into her room. Why did I feel like he was there! The teens were just as excited because some of them showed up an hour early. I put them to work vacuuming! I don't know why I did but that's another story about my OCD. You'd think I was getting a Marine inspection. 


He was there still. Most of the kids avoided Scott's bathroom but one of them did and suddenly there was that noise that the bathroom makes when someone is using it that Scott doesn't know or is upset with. You think I'm crazy but you hang out with me long enough things happen that you can't explain. I could feel him here all day with the kids. This is exactly what he dreamed of for our life with the girls. He would have been picking and laughing and teasing. I think he might have even picked up a glue gun and pitched in. 


My parents won't be at the Homecoming game Friday night. I keep thinking I won't have my dates with me but then all this happens today and I know Scott will be there. How could he not. Two of his loves together, me and football. I may have two extra tickets though. Too bad I don't have anyone I could convince to go with me. Someday! I'm surviving my life because I love being Hannah's Mom. I had so much fun today and last night. Watching the kids dancing in the rain. I'm glad I know that it is all the small moments of memories that make it so much easier to keep living. I'm glad I recognize the moments that I know Heaven isn't really that far away. I will get my wish someday. I will have a date for homecoming and someday I may have a date that isn't a ghost! But he is my ghost. 

BBQ and Christmas

Crazy day is all I can say. My days certainly aren't boring but isn't that what I have asked for, to stay busy and focused on someone other them myself. I don't know sometimes how I reach the end of the day but here I am. Another day crossed of the list. I try not to track time but I wish I had a clue what I was counting down. I'm such a goal oriented person and I don't think I have one of those anymore. I used to love planning and and scheduling with our trips. I tried to do that the other day. Mary Poppins will be in San Antonio but I couldn't get much response other then it didn't work with her schedule. I miss having someone who humors me and tries new things. I hate just sitting around by myself. If you can't tell today is an alone evening. I miss Thursday night date night. I didn't even bother to eat a real dinner tonight - cinnamon toast crunch worked just fine.

I had another smile day but when I got home I sat down and was flipping through a catalog I got in the mail. Speaking of which, why does the mail multiply when I'm gone to work? The catalog had a bunch of Christmas ideas in it and I kept thinking Scott would love this and that. I used to love Christmas but it seems like an even bigger chore this year then it did last year. I have Hannah but Mike and I both get to spend the day with her all of us together. My parents are going to my brothers and here I will be lost in the crowd again. I think the thought of Christmas this year is even worse then last year. How can that be? I used to start on Christmas preparations now, crafting and planning but I don't even look at the ideas in the craft store. I think I may even leave it all put up this year. Maybe something will happen and my mind will change but all it did today was make me cry.

I don't know I guess I don't get to plan and look forward to the things that used to make me so happy. I think I'm getting better and then something snaps for a mini set back. The mail seems to be the catalyst today. How many times can Archaeology Today send a renewal notice to Scott? I guess technically he is now part of Archaeology, at least his body is. I don't know why things hit me so hard. In the beginning it was everything so I was always prepared. Now it is such random things that I'm never sure what is going to trigger the tears. I have a friend that bet me his son's HS would win the football game the other night against Hannah's HS. We were supposed to win but well you know how it goes with those things. We lost so I lost the bet. My forfeit was taking him to BBQ for lunch. We are going next week. I hate BBQ so this is a true loss for me. Scott used to have to bribe me to get me to go! Great way to get a kiss! Rhonda and I decided on the place for the three of us to go. It just so happens this is one of Scott's favorites and a place we used to go to all the time.

I will go and I will conquer my personal demons but the smell of BBQ always brings him to me. I'm going to be prepared and I know I have to do this. It helps me to grow as myself in my new life to live forward into these challenges. I don't like it but I do it and I come out a stronger person. I think I need to sleep for days again but the time is all planned for the teenage queen that lives in my house. I cherish these times and I know she keeps me going and alive. I will get my wish one day but for now I face each challenge to the best of my abilities with grace, charm and a smile. Tonight I don't really want tomorrow but I have to because Hannah is my priority and the person I love more then Scott!

Setting Sail

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
       -Mark Twain


Jump! Take the leap and know you have done the things that matter. If it isn't where you were supposed to be then at least you tried! I always think of the brass ring on the carousel! I think I'm really trying to set sail. I still have things I need to keep reaching for but I'm trying. Today was a smile day for me and I'm reaching out to keep that happening. I like this alive feeling I get from the people who make me smile. I'm not so afraid anymore. The panic is so much less. The thought of reaching out to someone new doesn't make me physically ill anymore. 


There are moments that we all have to make a decision to go for it or hang on to regrets for the rest of our lives. Scott will never be a regret for me. I love that we took the strong bold move to be together. It was the right place for us at the right time in our lives. He taught me how important love and the brass ring will always be worth it when you reach out. I have learned how to be an important part of my own life. As I sit here watching Big Brother I know I don't want to be a floater in my life. I want to win. I want to know that I matter to others in my life. I can do it. I can set my sails for my new destination. 

Bouquet of Dreams

I love the dreams that make me happy when I wake up in the morning. I woke up with my heart full of love and the memory of flowers in a dark blue vase. I could still smell them and see the smiling big brown eyes that make my heart melt. I looked up dreams and their meanings. Flowers in a bouquet were meant to be "kindness, compassion, gentleness, pleasure, beauty, and gain. It is also symbolic of perfection and spirituality. Your dream may be an expression of love, joy and happiness."  I love the feeling that gave me. 


I feel like I have answers to so many things in so many different ways. I ask each morning as always in my prayers to be surrounded by light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way. I am not in this journey alone. I feel love surrounding me as I continue to live forward. It seems like when I need him he is there for me. I know it isn't the same as the physical love but the deep soul connection of love is how it should be. We had that connection in life and it will always continue. I know Scott will always be here. There is a plan and a path for me to take and I'm trying.


The little encouragement in my dreams when I have doubts in my day are only from one place. It reminds me not to take each moment for granted. The people who are alive and in my life are here for great reasons. The steps are happening. at just the pace I need them to be. I don't have to hurry my life. I know there is a powerful world full of even more love not just on Earth but in the Spiritual world. I needed that Bouquet of my Dreams. I needed those big brown eyes with a look just for me. Love is there for me. I just have to keep believing there will be more looks and flowers! 

Unselfish Effort

The unselfish effort to bring cheer to others will be the beginning of a happier life for ourselves. 
       - Helen Keller


I think this says a lot about who I am. Even in the hardest part of my life I still find it makes me feel better to be nice to others and do things that help someone else without others noticing. I smile when I think about how much I can walk towards light and happiness so easily. There are certain people I feel that bond with without words. Someone who makes you smile with their kindness to others. I have so many people like that in my life it makes the moments of days dealing with people who only care about themselves so much better. My day started out like that full of those people who are all about themselves. My work day didn't end that way. I love that smile I get watching someone help another. I love that smile I get helping someone myself. My life isn't about my own personal agenda. I try to do the right thing for as many people as I can. Those random acts of kindness matter when you don't think they do.


I have a smile in my heart. I know I make a difference everyday to at least one person. I don't need recognition. I don't need to be put into the spotlight for making a difference. I like it when I get to have that smile seeing someone else work. I have a very high regard for that person who makes me smile. I wish so many others could be in that moment of helping someone else. I like seeing a trait in someone else that made me respect Scott as we worked together. I know how much I loved him in our personal life but I do know how much respect I had for him in our work lives. It is possible to keep the two separate but like with anything else in life you have to be willing to take that leap. There are so many new people in my life that I have a deepening respect for their ability to give back to someone in need without asking for anything in return. It may be my job, I may get paid but I am willing to go above and beyond to make a difference. Take a moment and see what happens. You may be saving a life without even knowing it. 

Impossible Becoming Possible

"It is love that makes the impossible possible."
       - Indian Proverb 


I certainly hope so! To change rules and just go for it. Doesn't that make something that seems impossible possible. I'm ready to keep changing the rules to make love possible again. To walk across the line and make something I still think is in impossible possible. I'm here in my life still living. I've still have moments where I think that is impossible but it seems like it has become possible. 


My life has been a jumble of horrible events and happy loving moments. I know I'm not the only one. Many people struggle with the events of life. We all have faced tragedy in some form. It is an impossible task to keep going yet we have all survived. I know where I was ten years ago. I watched the television just like everyone else but it seemed so surreal. The day I sat on the patio knowing Scott was missing was the feeling those families had. The moment I sat on the dirt road watching his truck be pulled from the pond was the same feeling. I still have panic attacks but I'm living. I still have doubts about achieving the impossible. 


I want a life. I want my life to be more. I want to be loved and held. I want to give my love to another. Scott will always have my love but  it isn't the same. It is impossible to feel comfort from the ghost in my house when I need to be held and touched. Today I have tried to ignore the memories of 9/11. I feel the trauma of that day in a larger magnitude. It brings back more then watching the Towers being hit. It brings back all my trauma of losing Scott. I need to do the impossible. I need to make it possible. I need love to be possible again. I need the rules to change and take that leap into the impossible. 

Brand New Ending

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.  ~Author Unknown


Oh so very true. I think I'm living this statement everyday. I can't change anything that happened but I can change how I'm traveling. My ending was changed without my doing but I don't have to let it just sit here and let life happen around me. I don't think it would get me anywhere to sit here and be ticked about the Tundra commercial on the TV. It was just part of the equation but the truck doesn't change my life. I see the truck all over town and now it just makes me smile about his joy in the truck. 


I've also embraced his football experiences. Maybe not to the extent he was addicted to his hobby but it is a fun way to keep his memory alive with the boys. When I watch the scores on the computer and the game on the TV it brings back all kinds of wonderful memories. I'm not lost in the memories though. It would be nice to have that perfect for me person who gets that my memories are where I was but I'm willing to live forward into a new ending. I don't let the crap that has happened hold me back from a future. I refuse to hold my life over someone who is out there for me. My crappy past doesn't mean I'm not willing to be out there for my life to continue. 


I often wonder why someone thinks past events should be held against others in their lives. A failed relationship, a marriage that wasn't the best, a death of a love, those things are part of life but I don't think I would ever compare another chance to what I've been through. I may be a bit gun shy but each of us are individuals and each new relationship we form is it's own story. My story with Scott is different then my story with Mike. It is certainly different then a college boyfriend. Each of them are individuals and whether the end was good or bad they were each different. I don't ever want to be the person that says, "I can only have it this way because I want you to be just like Scott!" There will never be another Scott for me but I am willing to make a brand new ending. 


My life, no matter how much I wanted it to at the time, didn't end in that pond. I know Scott surrounds me with his light and love but I'm not stuck in that pattern. I'm out here living forward. Each of us is an individual and to succeed we must respect the things that make us different. When I am where I am supposed to be in life to find my new path in a relationship I will accept the pieces that have put us in a new path to a different ending then I ever wanted. Loving Scott and being loved by Scott gave me the strength to be loved again someday. Today I'm good with knowing Scott has to be proud of me watching football and keeping his memory alive with his football league. It isn't a chore but a joy. I'm having a blast on the path that is my life for the moment. Living forward in each day makes me a stronger person. 

Living, Loving, Laughing

"The memory will always be part of who you are but not all that you are." - Necessary Roughness (TV show I'm watching right now)

I like to hear that. It says so much to me. Today was long and I feel like it was supposed to be Friday. I'm having trouble with my get up and go today. I'm working on it and I kept going until I got home and collapsed. I can't lose faith in my life. I know what I want and it will happen. I have the mental image of where I'm supposed to be. That's half the battle, knowing what you want in life. Visualizing where you want to be. I see the picture. I saw the picture with Scott. We made it there. We got each other. I know where I want to be again. It doesn't seem possible but it is. Scott is part of who I am but not all of me. I am my own person and I have a life to keep living.

I gave myself permission to grieve. You all let me grieve. I still get to have my moments of grief but my life isn't about my loss. I have a future that I'm waiting for with open arms. I'm not sure sometimes where I'm supposed to be but I still have my eye on my dreams and goals. I'm living, loving and laughing. I never thought I would be good doing those things again. I still cry everyday at some point. I haven't mastered the tears, I still battle the sleep issues and usually work myself into collapse but I'm further then I thought possible. I will make it further tomorrow too. I can't shield myself into a bubble. I have to keep facing life, love and laughter. I will keep making it because I have to keep growing. I can't image some days not stepping out of the house but I do it. I keep going into each day of my life trying to keep true to myself and my wishes. The timing will happen. The timing will be right! I will keep living, loving and laughing!

Roll Up the Sleeves

"Hard work spotlights the character of people:  some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."  ~Sam Ewing


Maybe it is possible at some point to be all three in life but I think there is one that sticks out the most for each of us in life. I have had a conversation with several people recently about entitlement and the mindset that accompanies that spot. I feel like I have turned up my sleeves and through in my whole heart and soul to get through my grief. I tend to approach most things like that. I don't think it is any one's responsibility for my emotional growth other then my own. I need the support but in the end it is like a job in itself. If I don't give it my all I will just be looking around wondering where life went.


If my life I have seen so many different types of people. How each of us approach our lives makes us who we are. I like where I am. I like who I am but there are people out there who make me doubt myself at times. I don't understand so many things but I know I will keep approaching my life and my responsibilities with all the tools in my basket. Yesterday someone told me I looked busy. I have to work to stay so very busy. I just roll up my sleeves and keep going. It keeps me looking forward and not to the past. I see what I am working toward. It is up to me to make it to where I am going. That dream, wish, fantasy will happen because I have the goal to reach for. My own little to do list is being completed in my own timeline at the right moments. 


Now because I rolled up my sleeves in the physical sense with great help from some fantastic friends I fighting my body but I can conquer. I will conquer. My mind isn't numb and painful today. It's just my arms and legs. When my body finally gives out I will make my life continue to work because I don't know any other way to go! I'm living forward with lots of prayer, determination and support. I don't know any way else to be! I'm not just sitting around waiting for someone to fix all my problems. 

Love, Mommy and Scott

Wow! What a weekend. It has been all about Hannah but somewhere in the process I got to tackle my own life. You see the gift Hannah was to get over a few months was a room makeover. The only problem with that was Scott died before we could do anymore then take stuff out of her room. We had been trying to purge as we cleaned. Then he just had to go and die. I've been battling this project and something just seemed right this weekend. I jumped right in and didn't look back. I love my daughter more then anyone else ever will come close. I will make a difference in her life always for the better just as she does for me.

I have crossed a bunch of hurdles this weekend. The room and then IKEA. You see the last time I set foot in IKEA was with Scott when we went to buy table lanterns for wedding decorations in the weeks before his death. I can give you an exact date but it's not important anymore. Those wedding decorations are stuffed in a corner in my craft room. I just can't believe I jumped into this project with both feet. I think there may be a few more things I need to do that with. I have a song that keeps popping into my head.

I was so blessed to have the love and support of Angela throughout this project. She kept telling me she could feel Scott's love for Hannah and I as we worked on this project. She says she feels him around us all the time and we were at this stage for a reason. I know she is right. He will always be here loving us, supporting us and pushing me into the arms of the life I supposed to be in now. Thank you all for helping me get to the place where I can say that my life is another step forward. I love you Hannah! Merry Christmas, Love Mommy and Scott!

A Plan Forms!

I did an impossible task today! I can't tell you yet the details because it is a surprise for the most important person in my life. However, I just have to say I made a change in my life that has all kinds of implications for moving forward! Lots of memories attached to the things I'm changing. I can live forward, keep my memories without keeping all the stuff. I have more things to do but one room at a time is a good thing. This house is full of memories with all the years I've lived here. Now if I start to lose my memories then I'm done. I do know that I'm in such a different place.

I'm tired and worn out in a good way. I haven't laid around doing nothing but reading and laundry. I've been stuck in that boring place for a bit. Today a spur of the moment decision was made and I think I like living with some spontaneous behavior. So against my character but I'm having so much fun today with my adopted sister Angela and the girls, Kayla and Holly. I can't believe I'm finally doing something that Hannah was gifted by Scott and I on our last Christmas together. It isn't just a piece of it either I'm going all the way with everything!

Now it is off to bed to keep going again tomorrow. Wearing myself out physically makes it so much easier to sleep at night, stave off the panic attacks and keep the music in my heart happy. I love moving forward into my life, my heart and soul are alive and full of love. I know I am where I am supposed to be giving a gift from Scott and I that will let Hannah know how much we love her. Scott may be here in spirit and his love for us will always be with us. There will be more to this saga of my ongoing journey! Today I'm redecorating my surroundings someday there will be more! I can do this! I will do this! I am doing this!

Strong Will not Strong Won't

"The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't."  ~Henry Ward Beecher


I'm sitting here on a Friday night once again alone except for my cat lady impersonation flipping channels or possibly watching the DVR of Big Brother. I'm just in a restless mood again. I want to be doing something but I really don't want to do laundry, vacuum, pull weeds. Well you know the routine. I don't know what I should be doing but I know what I want to be doing. Once again maybe I will get my wish because I can persevere!


As I was flipping channels I come across a movie I was meant to see part of, Catch and Release. Jennifer Garner (the second woman on Scott's top five) plays a woman whose fiance has died. Sound familiar?  She has to go to storage to locate a picture of her fiance for a memorial project. They show this room full of stuff as she sits on a couch in storage looking at photos. She looks up and unzips a garment bag that contains her wedding dress. The next shot is her sitting on the couch in her dress. I have a dress that I have never worn. I know those feelings but she also knows she has moved on. 


A bit later she is talking to him and telling him all the things she could have said in the memorial but she talked about how he made her a better person and how she missed him. She didn't tell them that he had made her a better person, enough to miss him but strong enough to fall for some one else. It is amazing how little messages come in strange places. Sitting alone in a quiet empty house with a smile on my face because of a movie that six months ago I would never have been able to watch. As a matter of fact it was on my Netflix but disappeared. I wasn't supposed to watch. But I see there will be hope for me to keep going strong. My life will always be complicated but I just have to stop being so afraid of reaching for the brass ring. 


I know that smile is there just for me. I know that smile that makes my heart melt. I will find where I belong even with my crazy life that isn't so full of boring. I'm trying so hard to be full of perseverance. I know I can be obstinate but here I am trying full of strength. I miss him but I see the possibilities of my life not the disappointments. Today is a stepping stone for the tomorrow where I figure out how to step forward into my dreams. I know he would be very upset if I wasn't true to myself and my heart. He would be very upset if I froze myself in time. I'm not willing to stay in storage with a couch, photos and a wedding dress. I am strong enough to fall in love again.