Denali

I stood in Denali National Park this morning and cried. I was completely alone yet I wasn't. I felt the wind and listened to the birds and the tears fell. Magnificent is the only word I can find to describe this morning. I have a feeling this will continue but I know Scott right there with me. Because to interrupt my moment was a mosquito over an inch long! See I found the humor in the moment.

Yesterday we arrived in Denali. Had a dinner in the village, made it back to our hotel for our tour with Homestead Huskies. Jeff King picked us up, led our tour of his place and proved the dogs are the athletes. He's just the servant. The views are breathtaking and the weather is cool for us. High today 55. I had to keep Hannah from bringing home a puppy. Luckily they count them!

Today we got up at the crack of dawn. Oh wait there is no dawn. We got up at 4:30 am to be ready for our tour - Denali Wildlife and History tour. A four hour school bus ride 17 miles with the Ultimate view of real nature. A grizzly chasing a moose and it's calf. There will be more today. A plane ride to view Mt McKinley and a landing on Ruth Glacier. This is truly a trip of a lifetime and joy toward my future.

True Emotion

I can tell I am different once again. The first flight took off today for Denver and I sat with tears streaming down my face. Not out of sorrow and sadness but that I have made it this far. I'm ready with an excitement I haven't know in all these long months. I have the power to find the joy in life that has been missing.

I think I've found my spirit again. I've been living but not really here. I'm happy but missing something. I'm not sure that makes sense but I'm finding emotions right now that I have buried. I like to hear I'm where I'm supposed to be at that moment. Yesterday I felt that more then ever when my friend returned to work after the initial processes one finds themselves after the death of a loved one. I could see the difference in him that I'm not sure most people would notice. I understand and I knew I was where I was supposed to be for my friend.

Today my journey may be further along the path but will not be one ever forgotten. Living even with the best of circumstances isn't easy so God does give each of us strength in his light and love to live forward. Scott will always be in my heart but I have places I'm supposed to be when the time is right. I will keep living forward and now I'm learning how to feel true excitement, joy and wonder once again. Just like I had 15 months ago being kissed in front of the castle at my favorite place.

Packing List

Work - done
Bags - packed
Boarding Passes - printed
Mexican food - one more meal to go!
Batteries - charged
Passports - in the backpack
Buzz - ready to board planes, trains, automobiles and some big 'ol ship

Hannah and I are too excited to sleep. I know I am right where I am supposed to be. Thank you Betsy for reminding me when I forget. I keep remembering what this trip means to me and where I have traveled from to get to this point. It isn't about the miles. It is about the journey for me to keep living. Today I am proud of myself for stepping forward to this moment in time. I am ready to continue my journey. I don't know what that means but I await each day with open arms.

Tomorrow will be a long day for traveling and several time changes but for this small town girl it is an adventure. The only thing I can think of that will happen when it is supposed to be is our trip to Fiji - someday. My goal is to find magic in my life and I think one day at a time is the way it has been happening. Now let's see if I've forgotten anything. I'm not sure if I can make my usual "I forgot something" stop at Wal-mart while on a cruise ship!

North to Alaska

Alaska the story behind this trip. Several years ago Scott and I sat in the Dubl-R talking and laughing about places we would like to go together. Scott looked at me and said, "write this down! Let's make a list of each State and places we want to see." He started the list with Alaska. He specifically said, "a cruise in Alaska!" The the list moved on to other places but this was always the first thing on the list. We have crossed a few other things off the list but this one seems to be a special place in my heart. That list still resides on my computer and I will make each place happen for me because it is important to me!

Fast forward to where I am now - sitting in a living room full of Hannah's clothing that needs to be packed into suitcases and the front room full of my clothes. At least I'm organized and that far ahead of the game today. Fourteen, almost fifteen months ago, my Mom and Aunt were talking about taking this cruise because they had always wanted to go too. We talked and before I knew it Hannah and I were signed up to go with them. Mike heard and there we have the complete party with he and his wife. So let's see if you can follow along with this cast of characters, Mom, Bob, Aunt T, Uncle Greg, Mike, Pam, Hannah and I. We are off to the Mixed Nuts Family Vacation to celebrate life, love and birthdays.

I don't know what the future holds for me but I do know this trip has given me an excitement about my life that I haven't had since my last trip with Scott. He is here with me always. He has given me a life to live and look forward into tomorrow. Who knows maybe my place will be found on this cruise. Maybe I will leave this lost feeling behind. I know that I will feel the power that has drawn me forward into this adventure become stronger as I see the majesty of God's creations. My journey will be shared here as I want you all to feel power this trip means to my life as I continue to live forward. Today is our wedding anniversary for the rest of my life. To infinity and beyond, my love!

Love not Duty

"I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death." - Elizabeth Barrett Browning "Love is a better teacher than duty." - Albert Einstein Ah what a day to be in love. As I sit outside I pondering the mysteries of life I still find no answers except one. To be loved and to give love makes this world complete. I am amazed at the peace I feel with my life. I am happy and very lucky to truly know Scott's love and I don't ever have to doubt that. He left this Earthly world telling me of his love and I continue to find moments where he shows me still just through the people that continue to be in my life. Hannah is home and my first month of a quiet lonely house is over for now. I tried to work myself into craziness but somehow I have survived. Today we ran errands and she drove when it hit me that she knows basic driving because Scott loved her enough to teach her before he left us. Now here we are moving forward in life but he still reminds us both of the lessons he shared with us. I will make it because I know how to share the love he gave me. The gift shouldn't be held locked away. Love will continue to teach me how to live each day forward. Life isn't a chore to just do because I must. I make the choice to live because I have love to share. I sit here looking over the palm trees left to be removed and the ones that are gone knowing what I must do. I have struggled with the Palm trees in the landscape but tonight as I was trying to decide what would look good in those places I hear in my head, "My heart plant new palms in my memory. Give them love and they will grow." He is right. That is what I must do. Provide love to another of God's creations and watch it grow just as I have done all these months. It will not be out of duty but because love is what is in my heart and soul to continue sharing in my life.

What Might Have Been!

So how does one stop yourself from playing the "what might have been" game? It is time once again for an anniversary of a beautiful marriage celebration. There is a Little Texas song that plays called "What Might Have Been." When Mike and I first started dating that song played ALL the time. He used to accuse me of thinking about a different life with the guy I dated in college when that song played. It wasn't true and even today when we hear the song we start laughing. It plays a lot if we are in talking on the phone while I'm in the car. Today it would be true. I do think of what might have been but with Scott.

This weekend we should be doing so many other things. I know that is daily and for the most part I do really well at not going there but I keep wandering how we would be celebrating our first anniversary together, I think it is only natural but what makes it worse is knowing so many people getting married this weekend. It's a good thing I'm not attending but focusing on something positive that IS in my life right now. The part of my life that is a positive because of this weekend -Hannah!

How did I get there? Well you see My marriage to Scott was to take place on the date Mike and I met. Happy accident. Scott never knew. He picked our wedding date because of our birthdays and it was good with me because it made a day ours. So 18 years ago this weekend I met the father of my daughter. I am very grateful for this day because it is a celebration of life and love for Scott and I but also for the life of Hannah. I don't think I want to play the "what might have been game" ever again for this weekend! I want to celebrate LOVE! It will always be a twinge of tears but the magic can never be diminished as I see Hannah's face or think about Faulkenstein Castle and a trip to Minnesota where I did get to say "I Do!" I do choose to keep living.

Thank you my friends for getting me through the worst weekend of my life last year. I wont be alone all weekend because my true love comes home tomorrow and we embark on a trip that will make Scott proud that I have the strength to keep living forward. I can make it until Tuesday! I will make it and I will see the true majestic power of God! He will never fail me even in the moments I think He has. We are all connected you are in my life for a reason and I Love You!

Feet and Fellowship

Have I told you lately that I have the best support system in the world? We all know that there are times I just flat out wouldn't have made it another day if it werent for all of you. I can honestly say more then once I had to work really hard to keep myself off the road to Scott's pond because I would have rather driven right on in. I finally let myself go only after I knew I was ready to see the scene. Shock is a good thing because it keeps you from horrors that should never be repeated.

There are several people who are in my life for reasons that just dont make sense. I'm good with that! I have a spiritual connection that I thank God for allowing us to have. This evening I enjoyed fellowship and feet time with my dear friend Lisa. We can talk for hours in circles never repeating a thing and end up right back where we were. Today my heart filled with joy as she told me how very proud of me she is. I know so many of you are but I know I still have a road to travel that continues to be bumpy. I may continue to have to take the road a bit slower but there is no speed limit to life.

We laughed today when I was telling her about the grocery store and dating. I don't have a purpose to date, I can avoid it for now just like the grocery store. There are far more enjoyable pasttimes for me and who wants to date someone who has an irrational fear of the grocery store. We both started laughing. I'm glad I have friends who understand my nutty sense of humor and how my brain works. Laughter is so healing. Finding moments from great pain and building a new life takes courage and strength. I dont always have that in my heart but my friends keep me grounded in the truth of light and love.

So when you are feeling like the world is crumbling around you and nothing makes sense turn your head a bit to the right or left. You may be surprised at the rows a friends standing around you. Accepting a loving hand doesn't mean you are weak. It is the opposite. We aren't meant to journey life alone. The battles we fight may be very personal but that doesn't equal alone. Reaching out to a friend will impact their life just as much as yours. So for that I'm truly thankful for my friend who I enjoy feet and fellowship. We always manage to find the goose bump moments that make us know we are connected on a plane beyond what we can see. Thank you to each of you for being in my life for reasons not always seen. I am truly blessed by God's Light and Love.

Fire and Rain

Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone 
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you 
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song 
I just can't remember who to send it to 

I've seen fire and I've seen rain 
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end 
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend 
But I always thought that I'd see you again 

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus 
You've got to help me make a stand 
You've just got to see me through another day 
My body's aching and my time is at hand 
And I won't make it any other way 

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain 
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end 
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend 
But I always thought that I'd see you again 

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun 
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around 
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things 
to come 
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground 

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain 
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end 
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend 
But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now 

Thought I'd see you one more time again 
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now 
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you fire and rain, now 


- James Taylor "Fire and Rain"




You see here I am with this song stuck in my head today. I woke up with it there and it took me time in quiet meditation and reflection to 1- figure out what I've been humming to myself all day and 2- understand why. I continue to be amazed yet feel blessed to receive these messages. This one I understand and I'm trying very hard to not sit here and sob. Now if someone can explain "Are you gonna kiss me or not" I might feel a bit better. That one keeps coming back at the strangest times. Maybe it isn't time for me to get that one  


There is so much unknown in this world but I keep learning so much each day. I have talked about on several occasions about how my memory is so spotty of the days and even weeks after Scott's disappearance. Today some of that changed. I stand in the shower each morning in prayer and meditation to the start of my day when suddenly an image came to me. I feel like I was watching it all happen. I was standing there. I could see myself standing there  not through my own eyes but as if I was being watched from a position I know was not held by any human form. It was the moment when they told me yes it was Scott's truck and "I'm sorry ma'am but we know it was him from your description and he had is driver's license with him. We won't have to ask you to identify him." I don't remember any of that but here is this influx of images and words from somewhere other then me. The rest of the day has been spent with the James Taylor song floating in my head.  How can I not know I am loved and protected? 


In my heart it feels like Scott is here for me always. I know I have my own Angel beside me for the rest of my life but he doesn't hold me back. He pushes me forward. He pushes me to keep living and finding my self. Finding my path in this journey. Maybe we were never supposed to have a long life together on Earth but I am so very grateful for each day we were given together. I know that the lessons I have learned through this journey have made me a stronger more loving individual. I feel blessed in each day I am given to continue my journey. I don't know when my expiration date will be reached but when it does happen I know I will have given my all to life and love with kindness and compassion. I know somewhere I will matter to another but I feel in each day my journey is complete. When it is my time I don't want to have regrets of things that I should have done or could have done differently. I am happy in my life today and I will continue to be happy in each day I am given. I'm not ready to go but I know I am surrounded by light and love to infinity and beyond!

Sleeping Beauty

When the body fails it is time to rest! I push and push until I can do nothing else because my body finds a way to take a break even before I'm ready to give it one. Why couldn't I have just waited until next week. I promise you darn body I will relax for 12 days. I have even set up a special birthday treat just for you - a massage! See my body doesn't listen to me. It has rules of it's own.

Scott and I used to have this discussion all the time. We both would just keep going. You would think I would have learned my lesson. Isn't that what happened, Scott wouldn't listen and there was nothing I could do to stop him. Now I do it to myself. I'm not sure why. It won't make anything get done any faster. When I finish one job it will just be filled with another.  I keep lecturing myself about overdoing it yet sometimes I don't take my own advice. There is definitely more to life then work and a day of rest shouldn't mean feeling like you have been hit in the skull with a baseball bat. I hear you I'm taking it easy. At least I'm to a point where I was able to get out of bed. Now I can only move around for five minutes before I'm worn out so I'm taking it easy.

So I think it is time to try to sleep once again. I must really be living up to my namesake today - Sleeping Beauty. I prefer to be BriarRose, the one who lives a modest life in the woods with her three fairies with not a care in the world. Ah well all the better. Life really isn't a fairytale no matter how hard I try. Sleep well my dear friends and loved ones!

Grief Rule Book

I have spent many hours over the past four days thinking about the path my life has taken but how I got to this point. I don't know what I've done or even how I managed to take steps to get here yet her I am. Rhonda, my co-worker and friend discussed being on auto pilot today. I don't know how I got home on Friday afternoon but I made it. I have those same feelings all those months ago. I don't know how I made it. I don't know what was said at the Memorial Service. I know I smiled and cried. I know Betsy was a strength looking down on me from the pulpit. I sat and watched Scott's casket with our photo sitting on top. It wasn't moving but I kept thinking we should be standing there holding hands speaking our vows this isn't real. It was and I didn't get a say in the matter. He was ripped from my life like a tornado. I know I'm not the only one. I remember looking at our girls holding hands and in my own sorrow thinking how can I protect them from this pain. I couldn't but I still try.

I was telling Rhonda the one thing I remember doing that frustrated others was driving. It was the one place I felt I had control. If I rode with anyone else I would launch into full on panic mode but driving made me calm when the world was twisted and dark. My life is still bits and pieces sometimes. I have huge chunks that just aren't there but I know that is okay. The last four days pieces have floated back. The times of others comforting me and holding my hand. What they said to me that made me take each step. I know through it all I was searching for an instruction manual, or some type of guidance to the feelings I was having. I wanted answers. I wanted rules. I wanted to know that it was okay that I wanted to scream at the next person who said, "I sorry for your loss. Scott was a wonderful man!" I just wanted to yell "yes I know he was a wonderful man why else would I have fallen in love with him?" I didn't do that I plastered a smile onto my face and cried many tears.

I have survived my own personal hell with lots of prayers and love of friends and family. I know I still have battles. Today in our conversation Rhonda and I talked about how so many people have the same stories after the devastating loss of someone you love. The same words you hate. The general platitudes that are part of society because people just don't what to say but you smile or kindly thank the other and move to the next. Then a some point you need a break a moment of silence for yourself. I took my moments by sitting in the church alone after all was done and the others were eating. I wasn't left alone. I knew they were watching me through the glass but I needed the silence. I needed to find Scott. He's still here. He will never leave. He is my heart and sometimes still playing tricks with the plumbing. It happened tonight with one of the ladies at our summer Bunco night. They looked at me like I was nuts but my dear friend Monica just nodded her head. I believe in God's power of light and love. He is not vengeful. He wants us to love and be loved. To me that means there will be a place and time where I get my wish but for now I am comforted with the knowledge that there are things in this world that we don't understand but that wall let's us continue to be loved.

I don't think I will ever remember it all. I will take the memories of being loved and held up even when I wanted to crumble. I want to pass along the things that were given to me. I want someone else to know it is okay to feel like you want to shout from the rooftop to "stop saying I'm sorry!" It will be okay to learn to live forward at your own pace. There are no rules even when you want them. Just know that God will continue to surround you with light and love on each day of your journey. Our journeys will have common threads and that becomes the fabric that becomes our bond. Once you have experienced a loss you join the club, it's not an option and someday you will help another live forward in their own rule book.

Reflection on Father's Day

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." ~C.S. Lewis

Father's Day has always been a time of reflection for me. Today even more so because I choose to be home alone. I haven't been alone on Father's Day since my Dad died and most certainly not last year after Scott died. Today my reflection has been on other's not so much myself. My Mom and I talked briefly about being the one to watch your child deal with the loss of the other parent and the helpless feeling you have. I understand both sides of the coin, to be the one to lose a parent but to watch as my child lost a parent. We lost Dad, truthfully, when I was 16 but he was still physically here until I was 30. It was never the same so that made the grieving process seem never ending. Then to watch as my beautiful daughter and step-daughter lost Scott. I feel helpless for them both in my own grief yes but that I know what I feel and I hate for them to have to do the same things at such very young ages.

I understand so much about grief that I want to shout from the roof top that it isn't fair yet because I do understand it gives me the power to reach out my hand and say "I understand" and be the friend that can offer a quiet hand. I know in my continuing journey my Mother understands but still feels helpless. There are still so many things I hide from the outside world that I do silently in my own space. Grief is more then stages it is an ongoing journey. Sometimes I feel as if it is what they say to a person with an addiction, "You must face it daily." Some people never face the grief demon or learn how to live again. I don't want to be that person.

I may be turning another year older in two weeks and faced more in my years then most people see in a lifetime but that doesn't mean I'm too old to dream another dream, find a new goal.  I have been fighting against God without even realizing some days but here I am the friend that understands while yet another friend faces loss in life. This has been a source of many thoughts and reflection today. Maybe I can have dreams of my own but I need to accept the journey God has also chosen for me. In my own grief there will be a way to take my own sadness and teach others how to find happiness and live forward. How do I do that? I keep letting the words flow from my fingers onto the screen and pray that I am making a difference in a life that still has to learn to live forward one day at a time. God may take people from our lives but he leaves with us their spirit and love in our hearts and memories. It is okay to find happiness in the tears and pain. I have my dream but I need to learn to incorporate God's dream into my own.

Despite Myself

"We should all have one person who knows how to bless us despite the evidence." ~Phyllis Theroux


This quote makes me smile because there is no perfection in each of us but there is always someone who loves us despite ourselves. I love the people in my life who love me despite myself. I know I have people I love in my life despite themselves. We are our own worst enemies and somehow God sees fit to make us lovable too.

I know that through all my storms I have faith that it can all be better. That with those in my life who see fit to love me despite the evidence that I'm not always lovable. There have been so many good places I have been to go along with all the bad. I can only hope that my journey will make an impact on someone else's life. That despite the evidence we can all be blessed. It is in our power to choose to love each other.

It is in my power each day to make someone else's life better by just accepting them faults and all. I try very hard to make each day count for someone else. I learned so very much from Scott. There will never be a day that go by without him in it. Something that will remind me that I was blessed by his love despite myself! I gave up trying to figure out life all those months ago. I can only offer myself in each day. I can only give the strength from today to help others. We all must face the challenges in this life but when you can do it with grace and love the battle has been won.

I know I am not the only person in this world to face loss but because of my very open journey I want to help someone else develop a strength to keep going even when it seems there is nothing to make it better. I make plans and have things to look forward to but I also make sure to live for today. You can't put life on hold it doesn't wait for you. Somehow along the way I have found the strength to keep going. I have spent the last 24 hours searching how to help my friend. I know the words will be there when the time is right. Scott's last words to me have been loud and strong, "It's okay. I love you!" keep repeating in my head. I know I will always be loved and when it is my time to cross the bridge the ultimate love will be waiting!

Bring in the Marine

How do I explain today? I don't even know how to say the words because it does bring back everything but I think it is from a different perspective today. I know I have traveled the path and now I have the battle scars to help another. A very dear friend has had a very significant loss. He had to tell his son that his son's Mom had passed away. That his life is forever changed and there will be no more tomorrows. My friend has been there for me giving me laughter, sharing jokes, even a shoulder to cry on. Now I have only been able to comb my own memories as spotty as they are, to find how to help them both. I know the only thing I can do is give the support and friendship beyond the immediate needs. They say raising a child takes a village then healing from death of a love takes an army or marines as the case may be.

In all the days of my own personal journey the thing I know without a doubt are the people who have been here for me beyond have been my greatest support. Today I received from the cute man with the nice legs in the brown uniform a box. Inside the box was a replacement Buzz for the one I left behind last week on my business trip. I'm so blessed to have people who have cared for me that I only hope I can give as much as I have received. I keep saying we are all in each other's lives for reasons we may not understand. Today, I understood why a somewhat random and odd friendship was formed.

I have had those odd feelings for the last two days when something important was to happen. I haven't felt Scott around and then he came back for full force. My FB was going crazy and this morning my friend posted two pictures that kept repeating over and over. I finally commented on them and then a bit later I checked my email to tell me the story. I've done nothing today from that point on other then pray and find a way to give them strength from a distance just as so many have done for me.

This world is full of the unknown. We are only given today with no promises for tomorrow. Please, please take the time to tell everyone who is important to you in your life how much you love them. You can love your friends, your children, your parents, your spouse, but also love yourself. Make the most out of each day because tomorrow may be your expiration date and you don't want to leave someone behind who didn't know how much you loved them! Tell  them you love them! Make the most out of each day and take time to watch the sunrise or my favorite watching the sunset. Praise God for each day and ask to be surrounded by light and love! There is a plan and no matter how much we want the answers we can only accept what we are given and find the strength to keep going.  I am here for you, my friend, for the long haul of the learning to live forward through the grief.

Next of Kin

Home sweet home. I have placed my phone in airplane mode. If it's really important they can email me or wait until tomorrow. But everyone knows facebook is the way to go. The heat is getting to me and I'm trying to stop an MS attack at the beginning. Maybe I need to move to Alaska in the summer and winter here. My yard guy is here right now or else I'd be floating in the pool instead of hiding in the house. I'm not sure what it's going to take to reset my neuro system right now so I'll stick to rest and try to keep stress to a minimum. That's easier said then done. So let's see I'd like to cancel all Sundays, erase most of June and seven days in July. Is everyone good with that? I do believe that would keep my brain craziness a bit less. Oh wait I have a better idea - can I just make a yearly appointment from now until the end of my life for June to be my time to check into a mental health facility?

The feelings of Scott being around have been very few the past week. The radio has been quiet, no crazy pipe noises and the tv well behaved. That is until this am. I know I asked for it yesterday when I asked for dreams of love. He was there and he sure has powerful messages when I need them. Then I start the car and Martina McBride "My Valentine" began. Not in the middle either, I had to hear the entire song. Nothing like sitting in the drive crying. The things isi don't think I can communicate enough that I know he's gone and I am living forward but because of my life with him and the loss I'm a different person.

I don't sit around pining and being the martyr. I want a life. I want to keep living. My work friend that lost her husband and I was with her is living forward with her new husband. They are so cute together. I'm not saying I'm diving into that yet. Hannah comes first but there will be a time not to far away when she won't need me to make her first. I can honestly say that scares me more then living forward from Scott's death. I like who I am and I'm changed but that's a good thing. I still don't have all the answers for myself and I doubt I ever will but I'm willing to step outside my comfort zone to keep growing. I'm willing to reshape my rules of the way my life is. I am NOT, however, willing to change my crazy food rules. That will be the true test of the right future for me - someone who let's me be me -someday!!!

Today at my appointment I had to make changes to my next of kin. The last thing I had done was an MRI with Scott present. He was still listed as my next of kin. Do you know how painful it was to watch the girl mark him off my paperwork. My Mom is still my emergency contact but there is no one in that next of kin spot - she's not old enough yet. Is there going to be a time with these things stop happening? Is there going to be a time I don't have tears everyday? I don't know the answers but I know I keep asking to be surrounded by light and love and I continue to be wrapped in my protective bubble. I completed the smashing good time today. It will be negative because I have more life to live and more love to give.

Refusal

"The refusal to love is the only unbearable thing." -Madeleine L'Engle

I don't think I have much to say tonight. The house is too quiet and I've gotten over the newness of being alone. I guess this is a moment of depression because I'm sitting here watching iCarly again. I came home and laid down. I think I just need a break from the world but soon it will be time to sit on a balcony looking at glaciers.

I'm feeling sorry for myself and that is no place for me to stay very long. So I will take my meds and hope for dreams of love and laughter. First I have to finish watching this episode of iCarly! Maybe I can find a smile there. I wish for love again. Sharing is so much nicer then this world of silence.  Hugs my friends!

Money or Love

A question posed to me today:

If you were offered twenty million dollars would you spend five years in jail with the label felon but keep the money? If not what amount of money would you take - a hundred million, a billion? My answer to each of those questions was no. I had no hesitation to answer no. Money may make things happen for you but it doesn't buy respect or love. I want above all else in this world LOVE. The love of my daughter being the most important. I also know that love doesn't end with just my beautiful daughter. I know that love and being loved beyond Hannah are just as important.

I know that Hannah has watched me struggle daily but cope with a strength that I didn't know I possessed. Our relationship has developed into a bond that can never be lost. We talked the other day about how we have grown closer beyond the usual trouble of teens. I have been blessed with a teen who has also had to grow faster then she should have. I love how close we are and I know Scott is proud of the love I share with Hannah but I know we would have gotten there eventually. I miss him terribly but I know because I chose love it will come back to me. There is no amount of money that could replace love as the greatest gift. There is no price that can be paid to earn that gift.

I have learned through the years that when love happens you had better grab the moments you can because you have been given a true gift from God. Scott and I used to say that we had been blessed when we were given the gift of loving each other. I know that I wouldn't trade any of the moments we shared because I learned what it truly means to be loved. That love has given me the strength to live forward into each day. I'm not sure what the future brings but I hope that God will grace me with love again. I hope that Hannah continues to grow into a beautiful young woman with the knowledge that she is loved beyond a shadow of a doubt. That money will not provide happiness. Being loved and giving love freely are the gifts that we have been promised by God. Take the time to share love it makes the world a more beautiful place.

My Love - Happy Birthday

This afternoon a friend said to me as I was gently scolding him about working to hard to go celebrate tonight as I try to remind him that when you die you won't be remembered for work. I celebrate loving Scott everyday but it seems so hard to celebrate sometimes. I must have purchased German chocolate cupcakes yesterday without a thought to today being Scott's birthday. So I'm sitting here in a quiet house toasting a life that was cut short but gave so much. I am blessed to be loved by such an amazing man. He knew that love was about what you shared with the world. I do celebrate the time we shared together. Today I remember the birthdays we shared together. Emeril's Delmonicos in New Orleans, the UT toilet seat, and so many others. I only hope others will listen and learn that loving and living need to be more then business some of us take for granted! Life can be over in the blink of an eye, please take time each day for yourself and the one's you love.  Thank you my Love for being my lifelong gift!

Food!

Well I tried it again out of necessity and that was another horrible experience. Yes I tried to go to our grocery store because I needed some things that only they carry. Who would think that my favorite yogurt would only be there. I tried another from Wal-mart but that didn't work. Let's just say if it weren't for Rhonda texting me the 15 minutes and $89 later I think I would be on the floor of the store hyperventilating! I don't understand why this is so hard for me. I have made it through so many things but still the grocery store is a panic attack unless someone is with me. I've paid big bucks to understand that one and apparently it isn't time for me to conquer the grocery store.

Let's just say what I came out of the store with was rather humorous so I'll stick to that side of the story. Scott's Mom called me at 9am today telling me she needed poise pads and diet 7 Up. Let me just say if I drank as much diet 7 Up as she does I'd need the poise pads too. I did manage to get those things. But let's see if I can make a sensible meal out of the rest of it. Sliced Cheddar cheese, strawberries, guacamole, egg salad, German chocolate cupcake, spinach and spring mix lettuce, milk, Pepsi, dehydrated apples and coconut M&M's. This should be an interesting week of meals but I guess I won't go hungry!

I don't know what else to do except keep trying. Everything else I've done has been okay once I took control and told myself it was all good. The grocery store just doesn't work that way for me. I keep trying. I guess that is the most important part of this entire living forward thing, I just keep trying. I will make it or I end up moving somewhere else that I can go to the grocery store! Seems extreme at this point because moving would be more of a panic attack then making myself drive to the grocery store. At least I can find the humor in today's attempt. Now if I can figure out what to eat from the list above it will be all good!

Movie Magic

It is the little steps in life that suddenly seem to add up to the big things. My bedroom is very much unchanged from all those months ago. Sure my clothes are in different places and Scott's side of the bed is a pile of pillows and Buzz Lightyears but his things are just as he left them. I may move things at times but I haven't been able to let his things go. Tonight I was loading digital copies of videos onto my computer so I went in and picked up the stack that were by our TV in the bedroom. It still had the last movie on top that we had given Laynie for Easter just where he had left it. I found something on the bottom of the stack that I had never seen, a movie he must have bought the same day he picked up Blindside. They are both unopened. For our last Christmas together we bought a TV and BlueRay player for our room. It is funny now because the TV rarely goes on now. But I was proud of myself for taking movies we had watched together and finally copying the digital versions to  my laptop. It really is the small things. The memories can be overwhelming but I am proud of myself for doing what I can when I can do it and not worrying about others expectations of where I should be.

I know because I listen to what I can do for myself that I won't be at the end of my life having regrets of how I should have handled this entire situation. I was blessed last evening with a phone call from Scott's mom. Yesterday was her birthday and even though I saw her off and on all day, she called me to tell me that she is blessed to have me in her life. I am proud to honor Scott by loving his mother the way he loved her. Scott and I may not have been together years but our lives were where they were supposed to be. Who would have known that Scott would need me to stay behind to help care for her. I am blessed to know that my prayers are answered each day. I am surrounded by light and love. I hope that when my day comes to cross the bridge into the arms of my love that I will leave behind as much love and I will receive.

I spent the day with Hannah. I'm so grateful that Mike and I can share her time and be wonderful parents for her. Yesterday she also told me thank you. That she is happy we have grown together. I know Scott's death has contributed to a very large part of our relationship. I know we would have gotten there but maybe not as quickly. I love her dearly and don't know where I would be without her. Now my evening is very quiet but Netflix helps. My movie queue is very melancholy these days. I guess I need to find some lighthearted classic movies to put a pep in my step, maybe some Doris Day! 

Eventually I will reach a point when it matters that my bedroom is full of Scott's things but for now it isn't like I need the space and I'm the only one who goes in there for the most part. It doesn't stress me out as much as the thought of clearing it all out. One day I will do more then move things about but I'm proud of the fact that I want to watch movies we picked together. I'm growing, learning and living forward. When the time is right I will make more little steps because that is how I got here! The world moves so fast sometimes but stopping to look around at where I am and feeling that there will be a point when I feel the time is right to do more. I don't have a choice but to take each memory I was given and live forward. If that means I find a bit a magic in a stack of movies then I'm where I'm supposed to be for this moment.

Look Out World!

Today my baby girl got her driving permit! Wow do I feel old! I can still clearly see the days of driver's Ed at JHS with Coach Adams. The group of us driving around Joplin for hours that entire semester. Here I am at another stage in my life. I know in all my heart that Scott will be with her as she's learning. I know in my heart that he will give her a boost along the way because that was a connection for them. I know life moves on but I know there won't be a day that I think, "oh wow Scott did you see that?"

Even connecting with new people in my life. I know Scott does approve! The possibilities are limitless in this world if you believe! I believe! I know it will be a good place to get to as each day I grow stronger. I realized something today in talking with what seems to be my end of the day wrap up with my friend, that we all need someone just to be there to share smiles and tears. Trusting someone enough to say my day was crap or I had the best day or even what your plans are for the weekend means the universe is at work too! If it weren't why would we all be connected in each other's lives.

I look at all my friends on FB. I have them sorted into different categories but when it shows how many others you are connected to with this person but then the random overlaps of how you know two people who you didn't know knew each other. Wow that was a mouthful. The connections we all share, the people that have joined our lives and the technology that keeps us together is a miracle. I like making new friendships turn into strong bonds. I know that when I reach out for a hug I can also have the power to make someone's day by returning the hug or smile. It is okay to accept the things we don't see. The strings that bind us, the powerful emotions that make you know these people are in your life for reasons.

So to know that the memories that flood into my mind thinking about my time at Hannah's age are gifts. The people that survived storms are gifts. The connections and bonds long forgotten can begin anew at a different time in our lives when we need to be supported or to provide support. I hope that my beautiful daughter will cherish the memories she is making in each day. I hope that I will be around when her daughter begins to drive and we can share the joy and memories. I love that she was given to me by God! I know Scott was given to me by God as are so many others in my life. The possibilities are endless so look out world I've got more memories to make. June 10 no longer just means the day Scott and I met but is the day Hannah got her learner's permit!

Skinny Dipping

What's real and what's not? I ask myself that question all the time. I don't think I'm the only one who does this but I can be disturbing after a while so I move on from those thoughts. Have you ever said a word over and over again? After awhile the word starts sounding funny and then you wonder if you are saying it correctly. Just how the brain works. I just finished watching the movie Inception. Very strange but thought provoking. There are times when I'm asleep that I wake up to things that unfold in front of me. And then the other times that you just know are out their in left field but funny when you think about them.

I wish I knew how our minds truly work. We have so much power that has yet to be harnessed yet we sometimes don't even try. I know after the last 14 months of dealing with a tragic death there are places in my find that I know of all of the possibilities. When I awake from a dream that my subconscious has worked through a problem and I know the answers to the questions that I have been struggling. I may have personal goals that I don't write down but there are answers to questions I didn't realize I have. There are so many things that need to be accomplished in my mind. So many places I want to be. So many people I still need in my life.

In my heart I know I have made so much progress but yet my head still works in overdrive at times. Today was just a busy day with things happening that I wish I didn't have to do. I want to make everything right for everyone but I also know that people have to also be strong for themselves and take ownership of things that I can't fix. After a day like today my head was throbbing. I was in overload and at 3pm I was mentally shutting down and then my body was there right along with my brain. I needed to recharge myself into something more then what I was becoming this afternoon. I pulled into the driveway, opened the gate and the radio worked it's magic once again. I'm not sure if it was a good magic for me but maybe it was just what I needed. The song "If Heaven Were Closer" I think is the name but I can't recall the artist right this second started playing. I opened the gate and pulled around to the garage. I feel like I was in slow motion doing all of these things. I pushed to button and watched the garage door open as the song was playing and the tears just started rolling. I have tears everyday but this was those sobbing deep in the soul moment of tears. The song ended as I sat there wishing.

I miss coming home to someone to talk about my day and then doing crazy things to make the world right again. I can only image that we would have just gone skinny dipping! Something so out of character for me generally but Scott was always right there doing wild and funny things to make me smile! Then the phone rings. It was one I was expecting but the timing is amazing to me! There is a reason but the universe isn't letting me know the answer. I was immediately smiling after a short conversation and the world was right side up once again. I wish it was time for the answer but I know that I continue to have to have patience.

I went and laid down to rest and the dreams began. I have the answers to the questions but it's not time. I know the possibilities will happen. I will be where I'm supposed to be as I am continued to be surround by light and love. The next three weeks won't be easy. I will make it this year just as I did last year. I'm a different person, a stronger person. It is okay to look back as I look forward into the magic and wonder that is the dream of life. My past has made me who I am. I don't want to be any different. I want those goals to happen and for Heaven's sake I just don't think skinny dipping alone would be any fun! I need to share craziness and laughter along with the rough days. Today I made it as I live forward into my tomorrow - six years ago I met the man who changed my life forever for the good and the bad. Do you think it's possible again? My dreams tell me it is so that's good enough for me!

Personal Goals

"All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses, And to die is different from what any one supposes, and luckier." - Walt Whitman

Isn't it funny where you remember learning things! I remember learning Walt Whitman in sophomore college prep English class. I remember who sat behind me all year and the teacher. I remember the classroom, desks, and other things we read! I have those memories of great years in a place that is gone. I have met people even around here whose homes from their childhood are gone because they made a lake! In my job you meet so many people that have gone through life watching everything disappear around them. I remember talking to grams when she would say, "It sucks to get so old that everyone you know is dead or can't remember squat!" I keep thinking about how much I miss her and Scott. They both just had a way with words that were pure down home but made perfect sense.

I have just kind of slow mind tonight. I made it home safe and sound but I have lots to process. I have a list to make to be even more organized in my life. I learned today that I have to have my goals written down, not only for work (I do that all the time) but for my personal life. I think I'm afraid to write down what I want! I know exactly what/who/where I want. Now how to get there = one day at a time with great patience!

Rascal Flatts is singing "I won't let go." This song means more for me then any single word I could use from a dictionary of millions of words. There is someone standing by me at all times because I keep asking for the Light and Love. Last night during a rough moment at midnight my dear friend Betsy always knows when to reach out until I can stand on my own two legs again. I only hope I can pass on the favor or pay it forward as I continue on my journey each day. I want to matter, I want to make a difference but I also can't do it all alone. So I guess I'd better find my sticky notes and write down my personal goals! Maybe just maybe I'll get there!

I Don't Wanna's

Can I just say that I'm wearing myself out and I need to stop! It's not like I'm doing anything more then usual but for some reason my world has gone crazy. I think I just have vacation countdown syndrome! My stress over being the organized anal packer that I am is going nuts with not even having started packing yet! Would you like to know that our vacation in a bit over three weeks. It is messing with everything else because I can't concentrate. I feel like everything needs to be straight and organized and ready to go. It is probably a good thing that my child is with her dad because she'd be rolling her eyes at me!

I was talking today with a friend about working and it just gets worse when then kids aren't around. Why do I do it? Just to have something to do? To fill the hours that are quiet? I don't know but I think I have learned that work doesn't have the emotional fulfillment that I need. Yes I do get the joy of seeing our patients progress. That is a huge reward but at the end of the day is anyone going to remember that I have finished all the stack of crap that I brought with me tonight to complete. NOPE! and well H-E-double hockey sticks NO! So it is okay if for the next so many days before we go that I have a case of the "I don't wannas!" I will try to stay focused but all I really want to do is look at pictures of Alaska and dream about all of the possibilities! I can't wait to just be in a place that holds the promise of past dreams and new adventures.

I wish so many things and I know that my heart knows the truth. I know where I am supposed to be. The universe is in motion. God has a plan for me. I can't let my own craziness get in the way. However, I must make sure I've got it all. I'm not sure I will be able to find a Wal-mart in Denali National Park. Now how many bags will they let me take on the plane? Yes I really will have to do laundry on a cruise ship because jeans just don't get that small in the suitcase. There are more people I wish I could take with us but I hope you know you are there in my heart. So tonight I morn the loss once again of my love as I try to keep living forward and focus on the positive in my life. I know what is right for me! I know I will make it in each day but just this month has so many things to regret. Next week is Scott's birthday then what is our first wedding anniversary! In my heart it will always be our day. We may not have been together physically but in my heart and soul that is our day. I can't stop the tears but they help me live forward each day.

Ah Ha Moments

"Happiness keeps you sweet, Trials keep you strong, Sorrows keep you human, Failures keep you humble, Success keep you glowing, But only God can keep you going."


I borrowed this from a friend's FB status tonight. There are so many things to comment on in that one statement. I can truly say this - I want to stay sweet, strong, humble, glowing and Going. I don't think I have a choice about being human! It's not my time to go yet so I going. I didn't write over the weekend because I feel like sometimes I don't have anything to say but more importantly that I don't want to say anything.  In all my memories of my life with Scott we could talk for hours or sit in silence. I miss the silence too. I miss listening to his heart beat when I'm falling asleep or just reaching out to touch for no reason just to say I'm here when our paths crossed during the day. 


Over the weekend I left the house once. I talked to Betsy for an hour on the phone. I played a bit of Frontierville but I mainly read. I spent hours floating and reading. I finished two books and I felt like Scott was with me all weekend. Not pushing me but making sure I am okay. That I'm an surrounded by light and love. I hope whomever joins my life someday is okay with my protective ghost. I guess if he isn't then that's not going to be the person for me. My ex-husband's wife lost her fiance/husband and Mike always says he feels him around and strange things happen. That makes me smile because Mike is a great guy and I'm very lucky to share our daughter with him.


It was a rough afternoon dropping Hannah off for Driver's Ed. Then the universe sent me someone who understands! Why is it there is always  someone right there when I least expect it? I know the answer because I asked to be surrounded by light and love. Driving was a big deal for Scott and Hannah. He was teaching her because he loves her too! I'm not so good tonight without her but I'm trying. Tonight I feel lost but I am strong. One of the books I read this weekend was yes of course one of my romance novels but not in the normal way. It hit on so many things that is my life right now. Coping with loss, learning to trust and having an open heart to love. We all make choices in life that make us stronger. In that book one of the characters says:


‎"Sometimes rules are good things, but sometimes they blind us to the possibilities."


I understand that so much more then I used to. I set so many rules on my life that I was lost. Scott understood being together and letting things happen when they were supposed to happen. I miss learning and loving so much. I know that I have rules for myself that don't always make sense. I know I'm not the only one in life that does this but sometimes it is okay to find a way to make a rule work in your favor! I know there are things I need to keep changing and growing. I know I have so much more to offer in this life but I can't do that if my rules keep me stuck inside of myself. 


I tried to hide from writing this weekend and it hasn't worked. It made me more upset and the panic attacks started this morning. This blog helps me leave my crazy thoughts somewhere or just throw them out never to be see again. There are times when I will revisit or the same things comes up again but this has become my way of growing and finding ways around the rules. I want to stay sweet, strong, humble, human, glowing and going! I can make it because I have learned how to ask God for guidance and protection. I love how it happens and you don't even realize it until later during an ah ha moment! 

It's just stuck!

"Hurting goes away. Love Never! Loving is the greatest gift the good Lord gave us. Don't waste it, not for a moment!" - Castoffs episode of Little House on the Prairie''

I seem to be getting or picking up on this message of love these days. I don't know why. It's not like I'm doing anything different then I do. I've seen this episode of Little House before first run (makes me feel old to say that) and then I'm sure in my darling daughter's obsessive watching of television programs over and over I've seen it again since she owns most of the series. It just struck me as strange when this message keeps being sent. It's not like I'm going to forget it but there must be something I need to keep learning or something I'm supposed to say to help someone else learn. I don't know most of the time I just feel like a messenger as I type. The words come from somewhere other then my head. They just flow out through my fingers and onto the screen.

I've never had a plan each night of what to say. I just have something that has stuck with me or popped out as the message for the day. For the last two days I've been singing the song "Are you gonna kiss me or not" by Thompson Square. It is STUCK and driving me nuts. I can only think of one other thing that is stuck worse then this song and sadly even the song won't over ride it! I won't go into details but let's just say I'm okay because it makes me smile. The songs and jokes are far better then the images I've had to work out of my head so I know I can't complain.

There are moments when I really get upset not because I can't have my life the way I want. I get upset at people that take life for granted, gripe and complain over all kinds of stuff. Today, I know I made the day of someone else because I smiled and people smiled back. I solved problems and forgot about my own. The only thing I need to be careful about is forgetting to do the important things for myself like eat. I didn't notice until after 4 that I needed to eat. So I stopped and got my solitary take out. I'm not complaining because I came home with a smile. I know I'm not alone. I know I have friends who watch out for me even from a distance. I'm at peace floating in the pool reading my book. Now my gardener guy needs to come on with removing my dead palm trees though. I can see in the growth from last year where Scott cut them off and they grew last summer. I do wish now they had lived but I think at one point I prayed that they went away. The old adage must be true! "Be careful what you wish for, it may come true!"

Right now I know what I am wishing for and surprisingly it would shock many of you to know that it doesn't have to do with Scott. I know I can't wish him back but I can make wishes for my future. I continue my daily prayer and each day I know that one comes true. I feel wrapped in a bubble of light and love. I know I survive because I make a difference each day to someone else even if it is just in my smile!

365 Days of Everlasting Love

It has taken me 14 months since Scott's death to write 365 posts! Today marks the "year" of posting in actual numbers. I can tell you for me it has given me great strength, courage and love to share openly what it feels like to have your life ripped out from under you with nothing to fill the void. It is up to me to keep living forward but I have been very lucky to have been "gently forced" to find a way to do that. I know I am always surrounded by the light and love of God and Scott. Some people might find it offensive if I admit that Scott's love means more not because I think he is higher then God. No certainly not the case but because I know God sends his love always but because I have a very intimate relationship with Scott I believe talking to him sends the messages on to God easier. I can only believe that I will someday be held in his arms in our castle.

Until that time, however, I get to keep living my journey forward. I know loving will be possible. I know love has no boundaries or limits. My heart has love for another and I will know when I am no longer afraid of that possibility. It will happen as my friend Betsy says, "when you are where you are supposed to be!"  Tonight I am where I am supposed to be. My first night of a summer of many nights alone. I'm glad I have Jazzy here to run crazy looking for her favorite love, Hannah. I am prepared to spend time here in my place of peace because I am where I am supposed to be.

I also know that each of you is in my life for a reason and that is more precious to  me then I can ever have enough words to share. I have truly been blessed from God above to wrap me in the love from each of you. I know that if I become frightened, alone, lonely or sad I can reach out and someone will catch me. I am truly not alone in this world. I will continue on my path each day for the rest of my life. My grief will never be complete until I can cross that bridge but how I learn and grow from my journey is up to me. The time has passed and here I find myself looking forward more then behind. I still have tears each day but they are tears of joy at the love I have known and will always know. My heart was given a gift in the love I receive still from Scott that I want to share with another someday. I would be selfish to build a brick wall surrounded by a moat for my love to grow cold and dark. That isn't who I am.

I embrace the possibility that there will be a time when I am "where I am supposed to be" for me to share my heart once again as deeply and truly as I know I am capable. So for now I keep my daily prayers going, not just for myself but for others who touch my life each day! Thank you for loving me even when I didn't know it was possible to live forward. When those were just words that helped me cover up the deep gaping hole in my heart. Love is the most important thing in this world. Without it we have no meaning. So what are you waiting for go tell someone you love them even if they already know it! You can't take money or things with you to the other side of the bridge but love is everlasting when it is done the right way!

Love is Sacred

"Love without marriage is still a sacred thing and unlike wedlock it is not dissolved by death." BBC movie Cranford


Well I guess it is almost officially summertime. Hannah leaves on Thursday. We get a week together in the middle of the summer on our cruise and I'm so excited about that! I dread being alone though the rest of the time. I will make it though just like I survived last night after a really bad day.  Today was better for my attitude after being slammed yesterday. I think I will make it this summer because it is honestly the only choice I have. Just when I think I have finished most of the firsts I can do I realized that I will be left alone most of the summer. Last summer I was very sheltered and protected. I do believe I will be missing that feeling. Who knows maybe I can try something I've never done before. 


I think though I will be catching up on my Netflix library. That is exactly what I've been doing this evening after a busy crazy day. I may have to move spots on the couch so I don't wear it out. I have a huge variety in my movie tastes. Tonight it was "Return to Cranford"! Hannah and Scott used to laugh at my BBC movies when I was watching but then get sucked in and anxiously await the next segment to arrive in the mail.  I'm not one who just sits and watches (except in deep depression). I'm always doing something else too. So this quote really caught me by surprise and interrupted all other thoughts I was having. 


It is very true. It wouldn't have mattered if we had ever said the formal "I do's" because the love we share can't be removed by death. That love we share doesn't mean that I'm incapable of loving another though. Like I have said before Scott's place in my heart is his. I still miss him everyday but I also have found that smiling and flirting with someone else doesn't change the love I have with Scott. I have this one patient who keeps trying to marry me off. Twice now he has asked me if the gentleman I was with (different visitors to the facility each time) if that was my husband. When I say no, my husband died in a car accident he tells me "that's to bad you need to be married. You need to be loved."  It is cute but I know with all my heart that marriage isn't the answer to love. 


Love happens when you least expect it. That is a good thing. I may be afraid to step off into the love but I know that seems to be a problem with so many others. I can honestly tell you that I find those moments of happiness are lurking off to the side. Someday I may be brave enough to grab for it again when I least expect it! I'm also great with knowing that Love isn't dissolved with death! Not just the love of my other half but all kinds of love! My Dad, Grams, Aunts, all those who have crossed the bridge I still have the love for them that I know they share with me. It's ok! I love you! Yes so very true!