"Your dearest wish will come true." my fortune cookie
You see I've been thinking about that bunches today. I have so much to be thankful for and a past that can't be compared to the future but I have a wish that I'm ready to experience. This fortune was meant for me to open. Hannah and I went out for our favorite Chinese. We ordered and got our drinks. I picked up our fortune cookies but there was this one little cookie that kept jumping out of my hands. It was so determined to be mine it jumped four times. I was laughing at this poor little broken cookie by the time I got to the table. It was so bad I opened it and what do you know it really was meant to be my fortune. I felt like someone kept knocking it out of my hand but there wasn't anyone near me.
I like wishes, fairytales and dreams. I put the CD from yesterday and it played through then it moved onto the CD that has been in there for a long time. A CD from a trip to WDW that Scott bought for me. It was one of those things we would sing to, while laughing and giggling. I know it's there but I've just ignored it. Today the CD player decided I needed to hear it. Another little hurdle that I didn't know I needed. I was smiling listening to the songs. I could feel Scott smiling with me. My friends and I have Disney characters that we think are representative of us. Scott, the girls and myself would play a game trying to figure out what characters suit who we are. I think you know the in depth results for Scott and myself. Today I was playing this game with myself. Characters would pop up in the music and there were a few that I just knew belonged to people in my life. If your lucky you might be a part of my mental game. I had a big smile thinking about several people I know and love.
The other morning I woke up with the craziest dream that involved lots of people I know, a private box at Cowboys stadium, a football game, a hug and a kiss. Hmmm! Sounds good to me! I like that I have been having more fun dreams and less terror about Scott. I wonder if there was a wish tucked into that dream. Most likely but I seem to have patience to conquer this brick wall, to change my need for things to happen instantly. I'm learning how to live in the moments of life.
Today I had a really interesting conversation about the beginnings of the terms "bee's knees," "cool beans" and possibly even the "cat's meow!" Yes I know my days are never boring and are filled with fun and highlights and interspersed with serious moments with a dear friend. I hope I am able to give my friends back in the moments when they need me half as much as they gave me. I know at least one person who needed comfort today even if it was just to hear I understand. So maybe someday my wish will be fulfilled but in the meantime I can say my day was the "bee's knees" or even better "the cat's meow!" I love days like this. I'm maybe a bit dazed and confused still but i like the silly and zany too!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Gary Allan - No Regrets
She's been gone about three years
It's been a long road and a million tears
I'm movin slow but I'm movin on
The sweetest memories still remain
The laughter we had and the love that we made
Every night I go to bed alone
With no regrets
A piece of mind
Lived so much time in so little time
I'm so glad when she was here
She was mine
From the day we met
To the night she leftI loved her, no regrets
Well time and fate can be controlled
You play the hand that you're dealt
And the dice that you rolled
And who might of questioned God anyway
Well these days when I look back
I know I'm blessed to be loved like that
I still miss her everyday
With no regrets
A piece of mind
Lived so much time in so little time
I'm so glad when she was here she was mine
From the day we met
To the night she left
I loved her, no regrets
From the day we met
To the night she left
I loved her, no regrets
No regrets
I loved her
With no regrets
- Gary Allen
This morning I sat in the floor of the bathroom crying while the shower ran. I'm not sure why I seem to do this but it certainly isn't like it used to be. I sat there thinking about how much I miss him. I finally just asked where he was. I needed him and he wasn't there for me. He promised and there I was sitting on the bathroom floor in the dark with the shower running. I don't know how or why I ended up here but I did. I ask for Scott to show me he still is with me. I know he is but sometimes I'm just so alone and don't know where I should be in my life. I always ask for strength, guidance and protection.
Then about the middle of my day I was handed this CD and told to listen to track 10. Carol told me she heard it and knew I had to hear it. She explained about Gary Allan and how his wife committed suicide. She told me he uses his music the way I use my blog to heal. I was also blessed to hear how much my blog means to her. She wanted me to know that if I stopped writing she would miss me and I have an impact with my words that express more then she ever could. Carol left my office and I pulled out the work laptop and listened to both tracks she wanted me to hear. I was instantly crying but track 10 sent me over the waterfall of tears. I have no regrets over our love. Scott was in my life at a time we were supposed to be together.
Rhonda sat there with me and wrapped me into a big hug. My world was there and I wasn't alone. I knew Scott gave me another musical message through another friend. You see I asked and suddenly from a very unexpected source I hear him. I'm not living my life in a crazy nonfunctional way. I have the strength to keep going. I'm making it but I still like to know that love is forever. I will always miss him but that doesn't stop me from living forward. Rhonda was with me for a reason when I listened to the music. I felt a connection to a musician that I know of but not personally. Maybe there will be a day when I can share my thanks to Gary Allan for his music. I know I'm not alone in losing a love which makes me know I will find what I wish for. I want to be able to look in the mirror again and understand the person looking back at me. I don't know who is the reflection. It doesn't feel like me. I see the person but I'm still learning who she is, learning who I am one day at a time.
It's been a long road and a million tears
I'm movin slow but I'm movin on
The sweetest memories still remain
The laughter we had and the love that we made
Every night I go to bed alone
With no regrets
A piece of mind
Lived so much time in so little time
I'm so glad when she was here
She was mine
From the day we met
To the night she leftI loved her, no regrets
Well time and fate can be controlled
You play the hand that you're dealt
And the dice that you rolled
And who might of questioned God anyway
Well these days when I look back
I know I'm blessed to be loved like that
I still miss her everyday
With no regrets
A piece of mind
Lived so much time in so little time
I'm so glad when she was here she was mine
From the day we met
To the night she left
I loved her, no regrets
From the day we met
To the night she left
I loved her, no regrets
No regrets
I loved her
With no regrets
- Gary Allen
This morning I sat in the floor of the bathroom crying while the shower ran. I'm not sure why I seem to do this but it certainly isn't like it used to be. I sat there thinking about how much I miss him. I finally just asked where he was. I needed him and he wasn't there for me. He promised and there I was sitting on the bathroom floor in the dark with the shower running. I don't know how or why I ended up here but I did. I ask for Scott to show me he still is with me. I know he is but sometimes I'm just so alone and don't know where I should be in my life. I always ask for strength, guidance and protection.
Then about the middle of my day I was handed this CD and told to listen to track 10. Carol told me she heard it and knew I had to hear it. She explained about Gary Allan and how his wife committed suicide. She told me he uses his music the way I use my blog to heal. I was also blessed to hear how much my blog means to her. She wanted me to know that if I stopped writing she would miss me and I have an impact with my words that express more then she ever could. Carol left my office and I pulled out the work laptop and listened to both tracks she wanted me to hear. I was instantly crying but track 10 sent me over the waterfall of tears. I have no regrets over our love. Scott was in my life at a time we were supposed to be together.
Rhonda sat there with me and wrapped me into a big hug. My world was there and I wasn't alone. I knew Scott gave me another musical message through another friend. You see I asked and suddenly from a very unexpected source I hear him. I'm not living my life in a crazy nonfunctional way. I have the strength to keep going. I'm making it but I still like to know that love is forever. I will always miss him but that doesn't stop me from living forward. Rhonda was with me for a reason when I listened to the music. I felt a connection to a musician that I know of but not personally. Maybe there will be a day when I can share my thanks to Gary Allan for his music. I know I'm not alone in losing a love which makes me know I will find what I wish for. I want to be able to look in the mirror again and understand the person looking back at me. I don't know who is the reflection. It doesn't feel like me. I see the person but I'm still learning who she is, learning who I am one day at a time.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Not My A Game Today
"Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed."
- Storm Jameson
Then I must be one of the happiest people I know. I just have to remember those moments that make my life happy. It is okay to move beyond the pain and sadness. It is great to be in the moments that are my life. I'm not sure why we all take life for granted. I'm not so much there anymore. I like all the moments that are here for me. I love the moments that were there for me. I knew happiness and I should know happiness still.
I'm tired and out of it today. My brain is not on my A game but I keep trying. I don't know if where I stand today but I like the moments of laughter and silliness that I do have in my life. Not so much today but maybe this week I will get to have some fun and silliness. I like having a reason to smile. I like being part of my life not just a causal observer. I can make it. I will make it. I am making it. With that I'm returning to the comfort of my bed and trying to stay warm even though it is still hot outside. Anyone know where I can get a body transplant? Oh well I guess that's not an option!
- Storm Jameson
Then I must be one of the happiest people I know. I just have to remember those moments that make my life happy. It is okay to move beyond the pain and sadness. It is great to be in the moments that are my life. I'm not sure why we all take life for granted. I'm not so much there anymore. I like all the moments that are here for me. I love the moments that were there for me. I knew happiness and I should know happiness still.
I'm tired and out of it today. My brain is not on my A game but I keep trying. I don't know if where I stand today but I like the moments of laughter and silliness that I do have in my life. Not so much today but maybe this week I will get to have some fun and silliness. I like having a reason to smile. I like being part of my life not just a causal observer. I can make it. I will make it. I am making it. With that I'm returning to the comfort of my bed and trying to stay warm even though it is still hot outside. Anyone know where I can get a body transplant? Oh well I guess that's not an option!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Second Chances
"We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance."
- Harrison Ford
I guess I have a second chance. My life is certainly full of very large changes. Things I don't like and things I do like. Is it possible to want your old life back but still enjoy the new life too? It just really sucks to miss someone so much but I know I have to keep going because that isn't an option. I have people I enjoy spending time with in my new life. I'm not sure what that means. I know there are things I have to keep an open mind about for the future. There are people I enjoy being with and I know are completely different from Scott. There will never be a time that I get that Scott feeling back but what about laughing with friends over old television shows and maybe there will be a day I'm good with holding hands with someone else. Right now I still shy away from being touched much. Even if I had an opportunity to date I'm still not sure I could do that yet. I'm so strange.
I think with the right person, someone I trust completely, I would be open to those second chances. I've dealt with so many changes and I'm living proof you have to take where you are and make the best of it. If I didn't I'd be locked away in a mental institution for the rest of my life. I look at everything around me and I see how I have made it this far. I know what I want and I know where I want to be. I'm not sure if it is the plan of my life but don't we all have a bit of control in our lives? I have so much that I will never get to change but I get to make decisions for myself sometimes. I will keep embracing my moments of where I'm supposed to be. I will keep smiling up into light and laughter. I feel the joys of life. That is where I can be right now.
I may be in this place and have my moments but I know other people do too. I know that sometimes we don't stop to look at the second chances that maybe be right in front of us. I have learned that I have to make my choices carefully but I also know I still have to be willing to take chances. I can't hide in my heart and memories forever. I have to keep living life forward. I am open to my second chances. Are you?
- Harrison Ford
I guess I have a second chance. My life is certainly full of very large changes. Things I don't like and things I do like. Is it possible to want your old life back but still enjoy the new life too? It just really sucks to miss someone so much but I know I have to keep going because that isn't an option. I have people I enjoy spending time with in my new life. I'm not sure what that means. I know there are things I have to keep an open mind about for the future. There are people I enjoy being with and I know are completely different from Scott. There will never be a time that I get that Scott feeling back but what about laughing with friends over old television shows and maybe there will be a day I'm good with holding hands with someone else. Right now I still shy away from being touched much. Even if I had an opportunity to date I'm still not sure I could do that yet. I'm so strange.
I think with the right person, someone I trust completely, I would be open to those second chances. I've dealt with so many changes and I'm living proof you have to take where you are and make the best of it. If I didn't I'd be locked away in a mental institution for the rest of my life. I look at everything around me and I see how I have made it this far. I know what I want and I know where I want to be. I'm not sure if it is the plan of my life but don't we all have a bit of control in our lives? I have so much that I will never get to change but I get to make decisions for myself sometimes. I will keep embracing my moments of where I'm supposed to be. I will keep smiling up into light and laughter. I feel the joys of life. That is where I can be right now.
I may be in this place and have my moments but I know other people do too. I know that sometimes we don't stop to look at the second chances that maybe be right in front of us. I have learned that I have to make my choices carefully but I also know I still have to be willing to take chances. I can't hide in my heart and memories forever. I have to keep living life forward. I am open to my second chances. Are you?
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Wiggle My Nose
Is it possible to have too much football in one weekend? I think it is more of a lack of sleep then anything else in my life. My life is so different then it was last year. I feel all things. Not just the pain. My favorite moments are of laughter and smiles. That is who I really am most of the time.
Yesterday was a no nonsense for me yesterday. I was not putting up with anything and I got a bunch done. That was at work. Then it was time to head to the game. Somewhere along the way I got lost in my head and my heart. I worked at watching the game and cheering. It still sucks and I still miss him. Football is the hardest but it is so much easier then it was last year.
I just keep trying and trying and trying even when I want to give up trying. I can't and won't give up. I may just take a break once in awhile but a pause for a rest is a good place to be. I think there is so much in this world that is worth working hard to achieve. Friendships that can be silly and serious. I feel like the walking add for whatever this thing in my life is. I miss holding hands, giggling like school girls, door slamming fights, making up, late night board games, planning for the future. I miss feeling complete.
I ran into our friendly jewelry store owner who is now a friend at the football game last night. She always tells me how much of an impact Scott and I have had on her life. She tells me that we are forever in her heart. I try so hard not to cry but I still get tears. Standing in the middle of Panther Stadium I have tears flowing quietly from my eyes. I tell her how much further I have grown. That I know I have life in my heart. I am learning how to take each step forward. I know I wasn't myself last night. I was mentally in stuck in my head. I sit there wishing for so many things. Someday I will get my wish. I just keep trying and maybe keep wiggling my nose. It is bound to happen eventually.
So I will keep on cheering on my favorite HS football team! I will try to win at fantasy football and hope that I get my wish for my life. I will keep living forward. It is the only thing I know how to do. I just continue to be thankful for all the great people in my life who love me in spite of myself!
Yesterday was a no nonsense for me yesterday. I was not putting up with anything and I got a bunch done. That was at work. Then it was time to head to the game. Somewhere along the way I got lost in my head and my heart. I worked at watching the game and cheering. It still sucks and I still miss him. Football is the hardest but it is so much easier then it was last year.
I just keep trying and trying and trying even when I want to give up trying. I can't and won't give up. I may just take a break once in awhile but a pause for a rest is a good place to be. I think there is so much in this world that is worth working hard to achieve. Friendships that can be silly and serious. I feel like the walking add for whatever this thing in my life is. I miss holding hands, giggling like school girls, door slamming fights, making up, late night board games, planning for the future. I miss feeling complete.
I ran into our friendly jewelry store owner who is now a friend at the football game last night. She always tells me how much of an impact Scott and I have had on her life. She tells me that we are forever in her heart. I try so hard not to cry but I still get tears. Standing in the middle of Panther Stadium I have tears flowing quietly from my eyes. I tell her how much further I have grown. That I know I have life in my heart. I am learning how to take each step forward. I know I wasn't myself last night. I was mentally in stuck in my head. I sit there wishing for so many things. Someday I will get my wish. I just keep trying and maybe keep wiggling my nose. It is bound to happen eventually.
So I will keep on cheering on my favorite HS football team! I will try to win at fantasy football and hope that I get my wish for my life. I will keep living forward. It is the only thing I know how to do. I just continue to be thankful for all the great people in my life who love me in spite of myself!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wings of Hope
Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul.
- Emily Dickenson
I did something this morning that took a bunch of effort! I have had this piece of Ferrero Rocher chocolate sitting on my bathroom counter for the last 17 months. It was the last piece of chocolate that I could never bring myself to eat from a package we bought at the grocery store on our last date night. It was so funny because he then surprised me the next morning with a giant bunny of chocolates. Those are still wrapped up tight. It is a huge self control not to eat them. Right after Scott died there was no way I was eating them because I wasn't eating. Now I could eat myself out of house and home when it comes to chocolate.
It may seem silly that one piece of chocolate can represent so much in my life. I was cleaning up this morning so my housekeeper could do the rest. She has been great all these month. She doesn't move stuff like that and if she does I can't tell. So for me to purposely choose to pick it up and toss it in the trash is another great step for me. It seems so much easier! I am taking control of my life.
My week has been super crazy but I ended on a great note. I love moments that make me smile and laugh. I love knowing that I do have wings on my soul. I really am making so many steps in each day. I don't know what each day holds but I have come through fire. My heart is still healing but I am not alone in this world. I have great friends that sharing war stories and silly moments make each day worth the effort. It makes it worth fighting all the traffic and roadblocks to keep living forward.
- Emily Dickenson
I did something this morning that took a bunch of effort! I have had this piece of Ferrero Rocher chocolate sitting on my bathroom counter for the last 17 months. It was the last piece of chocolate that I could never bring myself to eat from a package we bought at the grocery store on our last date night. It was so funny because he then surprised me the next morning with a giant bunny of chocolates. Those are still wrapped up tight. It is a huge self control not to eat them. Right after Scott died there was no way I was eating them because I wasn't eating. Now I could eat myself out of house and home when it comes to chocolate.
It may seem silly that one piece of chocolate can represent so much in my life. I was cleaning up this morning so my housekeeper could do the rest. She has been great all these month. She doesn't move stuff like that and if she does I can't tell. So for me to purposely choose to pick it up and toss it in the trash is another great step for me. It seems so much easier! I am taking control of my life.
My week has been super crazy but I ended on a great note. I love moments that make me smile and laugh. I love knowing that I do have wings on my soul. I really am making so many steps in each day. I don't know what each day holds but I have come through fire. My heart is still healing but I am not alone in this world. I have great friends that sharing war stories and silly moments make each day worth the effort. It makes it worth fighting all the traffic and roadblocks to keep living forward.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Sophomore
Sitting on the back porch enjoying the nice breeze and cooler temps while Hannah does homework. It doesn't seem possible that I am the mother of a sophomore. I remember my sophomore year very well in a school that has been destroyed. I have had a world that was destroyed too but for some reason we all rise from the ashes into normal mundane daily tasks. Life is full of living even on days that it doesn't seem possible. Yes here we are just the two of us in a peaceful place doing the little thing called living.
Moments of time melded together and suddenly it is almost 17 months ago. I lose track of the time when I think about it more time seems to have passed then what I can account for. I think about the one first day of school Scott got with Laynie. I remember him leaving the house and I grabbed the camera and told him he had to take pictures. This day was going to be priceless and we needed to record it. I'm happy I did. I'm happy he didn't think my obsession with photos and capturing the snippets that add together into life was bad. Scott, Hannah and Laynie would all just smile and not complain. Hannah's life is very well documented.
I just can't believe how fast the time has gone. I have this feeling I will look up one day and my baby will be a mom. I'm not ready for that. She has years to go but wow I'm not sure how we got here! I know I'm blessed to sit here with her as she "gets ahead" on her preap chemistry reading. I want so many more days with her! She needs an easier life then I have held together. I hope she knows how much she is loved and adored by me. My greatest joy is being her Mom. My greatest contribution to this world. I'm so very proud of her.
Moments of time melded together and suddenly it is almost 17 months ago. I lose track of the time when I think about it more time seems to have passed then what I can account for. I think about the one first day of school Scott got with Laynie. I remember him leaving the house and I grabbed the camera and told him he had to take pictures. This day was going to be priceless and we needed to record it. I'm happy I did. I'm happy he didn't think my obsession with photos and capturing the snippets that add together into life was bad. Scott, Hannah and Laynie would all just smile and not complain. Hannah's life is very well documented.
I just can't believe how fast the time has gone. I have this feeling I will look up one day and my baby will be a mom. I'm not ready for that. She has years to go but wow I'm not sure how we got here! I know I'm blessed to sit here with her as she "gets ahead" on her preap chemistry reading. I want so many more days with her! She needs an easier life then I have held together. I hope she knows how much she is loved and adored by me. My greatest joy is being her Mom. My greatest contribution to this world. I'm so very proud of her.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Maybe I Can Date Soon!?!
Maybe just maybe I have moved so far ahead tonight that I could possibly entertain the thought of actually dating. I don't know who, what, when where or how but hey I made a huge step tonight. Ryan and Matt came over to set up the draft order for fantasy football on Saturday and sort through Scott's stuff looking for something that could be used in a trophy. The trophy for the league was repossessed right before Scott died in the 2009/10 winner's car. So we lost the trophy and the Commish all in the same week!
I have been great just living with the stuff all around me, in the storage shed, just laying where he left stuff. I have moved stuff and tried to condense things but I would always start crying and couldn't continue. It seems like the time was right and we were right where we were supposed to be. I was with two of the greatest men and best friends Scott could have asked for tonight. We each share a different part in Scott's journey through life and the memories we were able to sort through tonight was more valuable to me then I could ever get from the stuff. I can't tell you how many collectibles Scott has but I could own my own shop of Stars Wars stuff alone right now. How many newspapers do you need on the retirement of Emmett, Troy and Michael? If you are from Texas you know who those guys are without last names!
I also know how much I meant to Scott by some of the things I found that he had saved or hidden from our relationships at different points. We opened a box and inside were gift bags from Christmas presents I had given him over the years. I was shocked! He saved the gift bags. I would be the only one who would recognize the bags! Then he had hidden a special gift locked away. I grabbed it before Matt and Ryan could see and I started laughing! I was laughing! Can you believe I was laughing sorting through his stuff. I didn't cry tonight until we had reached a pausing point and it was to late to keep going. We sat on the back patio talking about how much Scott meant to each of us. I can only tell you that I have these amazing friends in my life because of one man who is a true individual. He gives me love ongoing. Enough love to know I will matter or possibly do matter enough to someone else to someday take on all my craziness. I am an individual too. Scott taught me the most important gift in living - loving someone warts and all!
I'm tired hot and sweaty! Today was the 12 anniversary of my Dad's Angel Day. I was in a funk all day but I did something so far beyond what I ever imagined I would be able to do. Instead of 8 totes of stuff in the shed I now have 5 three of which just need to be sold and the money put away for Laynie. The important things that will matter to her are all there for our future of sharing her Daddy with her. Scott's life matters to me and will matter for her as she gets older.
I am ready to move forward and explore the possibilities of my life. Right after Scott died, Matt told me if I was still crying my way through life he was going to kick my butt! He doesn't have to do that! We had a nice time sorting and laughing and joking about Scott and the memories. I am blessed beyond words to know I was able to share this experience with them. I know beyond words that if I ever need anything they are there for me. They laughed at the things I knew Scott had saved because of me. We laughed at the reasons he has this huge collection of Star Wars stuff. We laughed when we sorted through some stuff in Scott's closet about his odd pieces that weren't really him but from a part of his life that formed him. I found things I searched for after he died. Pictures I knew we had put I couldn't find. I have the memories there to share with Laynie. I have the memories there for me to live forward.
I have come out of tonight a stronger person then when I started. I can live forward and I am where I am supposed to be. I am ready to face more of my life and explore more in my life. I have Scott in my heart and packing his things only makes room for me to share myself with someone else. He never wanted me to live in a shrine to him. I still have stuff to finish but I'm in a better place that I can now move forward on my own. I know I have been gifted with the power of light and love, surrounded by strength and shown the way. God has a plan and I always seem to know when the time is right! Maybe there will be more steps soon!!
I have been great just living with the stuff all around me, in the storage shed, just laying where he left stuff. I have moved stuff and tried to condense things but I would always start crying and couldn't continue. It seems like the time was right and we were right where we were supposed to be. I was with two of the greatest men and best friends Scott could have asked for tonight. We each share a different part in Scott's journey through life and the memories we were able to sort through tonight was more valuable to me then I could ever get from the stuff. I can't tell you how many collectibles Scott has but I could own my own shop of Stars Wars stuff alone right now. How many newspapers do you need on the retirement of Emmett, Troy and Michael? If you are from Texas you know who those guys are without last names!
I also know how much I meant to Scott by some of the things I found that he had saved or hidden from our relationships at different points. We opened a box and inside were gift bags from Christmas presents I had given him over the years. I was shocked! He saved the gift bags. I would be the only one who would recognize the bags! Then he had hidden a special gift locked away. I grabbed it before Matt and Ryan could see and I started laughing! I was laughing! Can you believe I was laughing sorting through his stuff. I didn't cry tonight until we had reached a pausing point and it was to late to keep going. We sat on the back patio talking about how much Scott meant to each of us. I can only tell you that I have these amazing friends in my life because of one man who is a true individual. He gives me love ongoing. Enough love to know I will matter or possibly do matter enough to someone else to someday take on all my craziness. I am an individual too. Scott taught me the most important gift in living - loving someone warts and all!
I'm tired hot and sweaty! Today was the 12 anniversary of my Dad's Angel Day. I was in a funk all day but I did something so far beyond what I ever imagined I would be able to do. Instead of 8 totes of stuff in the shed I now have 5 three of which just need to be sold and the money put away for Laynie. The important things that will matter to her are all there for our future of sharing her Daddy with her. Scott's life matters to me and will matter for her as she gets older.
I am ready to move forward and explore the possibilities of my life. Right after Scott died, Matt told me if I was still crying my way through life he was going to kick my butt! He doesn't have to do that! We had a nice time sorting and laughing and joking about Scott and the memories. I am blessed beyond words to know I was able to share this experience with them. I know beyond words that if I ever need anything they are there for me. They laughed at the things I knew Scott had saved because of me. We laughed at the reasons he has this huge collection of Star Wars stuff. We laughed when we sorted through some stuff in Scott's closet about his odd pieces that weren't really him but from a part of his life that formed him. I found things I searched for after he died. Pictures I knew we had put I couldn't find. I have the memories there to share with Laynie. I have the memories there for me to live forward.
I have come out of tonight a stronger person then when I started. I can live forward and I am where I am supposed to be. I am ready to face more of my life and explore more in my life. I have Scott in my heart and packing his things only makes room for me to share myself with someone else. He never wanted me to live in a shrine to him. I still have stuff to finish but I'm in a better place that I can now move forward on my own. I know I have been gifted with the power of light and love, surrounded by strength and shown the way. God has a plan and I always seem to know when the time is right! Maybe there will be more steps soon!!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Who Would Miss You?
"Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises."
- Demosthenes
Do you ever wonder if you stopped posting on Facebook who would notice? I know there are people for me but sometimes I wonder how long it would take? My Mom is a "friend" on FB I know she would notice but you know it is one of those things that just passed through my head today. A friend of mine said something about hoping to see the video on FB later of Hannah's squad comp. I just looked at him and told him he knows me too well. It is nice to know that you matter to people in life. It makes me wonder how much of a connection I would have with so many people I care about without the power of the internet and facebook.
Those moments of knowing in a small second of a conversation that you do matter to someone is important. You can have any kind of small opportunity; business, friendship, love, kindness, giving, in which you are given a chance to make a difference or turn down a new road in life. I think it all relates to the windows and doors philosophy of life. For some reason I have had some very unusual doors close but I also see so many windows that have begun to open in my life. I just want to reach out and give myself a boost but sometimes I know I have to wait for the window to open all the way. My big 'ol booty just isn't ready to climb on through but I'm enjoying the breeze from the other side.
I'm ready for an opportunity to develop into bigger enterprises. I don't know what that will be but here I am. I just wish I was feeling the breeze coming in off the ocean window while I wait for the place where I can squeeze on into whatever it is I'm waiting for! I know I'm just a silly goose but it does keep me amused. If I can't laugh at myself then what do I do for fun when I'm hanging out with two cats for company? Well since football season is upon us I do have that to keep me amused. Maybe not as much as I did before but I enjoy being there for Hannah. She is my life and joy. I'm so thankful God brought her into my life. His plan is greater then I will ever understand but I think it is important for me to keep trying to be focused upon the lessons I am to learn through it all.
I know I matter to so many in my life but it is just one of those random thoughts that I don't really want an answer too but thought I would ask. I know people would miss me but how long would it take someone to notice. I still have that moment of memory just knowing when Scott was missing. I noticed. It didn't take me long to notice and worry. I know that was the power of love. I missed him in less then an hour. We were never apart for very long and that moment knowing he was missing has left a scar deep inside by being. I am healing though. I am living forward because I have made myself not just sit around and waste away. That is not where I am supposed to be in this moment in time. I am learning so much more from life then I ever thought possible.
- Demosthenes
Do you ever wonder if you stopped posting on Facebook who would notice? I know there are people for me but sometimes I wonder how long it would take? My Mom is a "friend" on FB I know she would notice but you know it is one of those things that just passed through my head today. A friend of mine said something about hoping to see the video on FB later of Hannah's squad comp. I just looked at him and told him he knows me too well. It is nice to know that you matter to people in life. It makes me wonder how much of a connection I would have with so many people I care about without the power of the internet and facebook.
Those moments of knowing in a small second of a conversation that you do matter to someone is important. You can have any kind of small opportunity; business, friendship, love, kindness, giving, in which you are given a chance to make a difference or turn down a new road in life. I think it all relates to the windows and doors philosophy of life. For some reason I have had some very unusual doors close but I also see so many windows that have begun to open in my life. I just want to reach out and give myself a boost but sometimes I know I have to wait for the window to open all the way. My big 'ol booty just isn't ready to climb on through but I'm enjoying the breeze from the other side.
I'm ready for an opportunity to develop into bigger enterprises. I don't know what that will be but here I am. I just wish I was feeling the breeze coming in off the ocean window while I wait for the place where I can squeeze on into whatever it is I'm waiting for! I know I'm just a silly goose but it does keep me amused. If I can't laugh at myself then what do I do for fun when I'm hanging out with two cats for company? Well since football season is upon us I do have that to keep me amused. Maybe not as much as I did before but I enjoy being there for Hannah. She is my life and joy. I'm so thankful God brought her into my life. His plan is greater then I will ever understand but I think it is important for me to keep trying to be focused upon the lessons I am to learn through it all.
I know I matter to so many in my life but it is just one of those random thoughts that I don't really want an answer too but thought I would ask. I know people would miss me but how long would it take someone to notice. I still have that moment of memory just knowing when Scott was missing. I noticed. It didn't take me long to notice and worry. I know that was the power of love. I missed him in less then an hour. We were never apart for very long and that moment knowing he was missing has left a scar deep inside by being. I am healing though. I am living forward because I have made myself not just sit around and waste away. That is not where I am supposed to be in this moment in time. I am learning so much more from life then I ever thought possible.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Chosen Family
"God gives us our relatives - thank God we can choose our friends."
- Ethel Watts Mumford
I love this quote. I have so many people in my life that are my chosen family. They have been my friends for so long they are a huge part of my heart. I can't imagine my life without them. I am and continue to be so very fortunate in to have so much in my life. Tonight Hannah has a friend spending the night that was a huge part of our lives before Scott died. We loved having her around and including her as part of our family. I miss those days so very much. I miss having all three girls here and Scott taking care of us all. I love that he was my best choice in my life for my family. I don't know how else to be but I'm trying. I just keep trying. I like that life now is about choosing who is right for your life on both sides of the coin.
I'm so glad I have so many new people in my life that I choose to share. Life is still a daily choice for me although I think I'm making great strides in living. I love smiling laughing, dancing and loving. Hanging out with the kids watching Glee Project with my new sister. Tomorrow is another day but you see I know that I have been blessed on this day. I don't want to rush into tomorrow except for maybe a little bit of something I look forward to. Just another reason to smile and laugh. A year ago we did our first commemorative fantasy football draft for Scott's League. Next week we have the draft and we have the beginning of Midway High School football season. I don't know why I feel so alive but I'm glad the feelings are different then they were last year. I forced each day to make it. Now I don't feel like I have to force my life. I smile and laugh and love.
I look so forward to love and laughter. I'm ready to embrace today if it is handed to me but for today I treasure the memories that are my life. I am so good being here. I still don't sleep but I know the answer to that issue but I'm not there yet. Maybe someday I will be but it I'm all good with the friends that I choose to be in my life. My chosen family and my God given family I don't know where I'd be without you all! Thank you for helping me live forward one day at a time.
- Ethel Watts Mumford
I love this quote. I have so many people in my life that are my chosen family. They have been my friends for so long they are a huge part of my heart. I can't imagine my life without them. I am and continue to be so very fortunate in to have so much in my life. Tonight Hannah has a friend spending the night that was a huge part of our lives before Scott died. We loved having her around and including her as part of our family. I miss those days so very much. I miss having all three girls here and Scott taking care of us all. I love that he was my best choice in my life for my family. I don't know how else to be but I'm trying. I just keep trying. I like that life now is about choosing who is right for your life on both sides of the coin.
I'm so glad I have so many new people in my life that I choose to share. Life is still a daily choice for me although I think I'm making great strides in living. I love smiling laughing, dancing and loving. Hanging out with the kids watching Glee Project with my new sister. Tomorrow is another day but you see I know that I have been blessed on this day. I don't want to rush into tomorrow except for maybe a little bit of something I look forward to. Just another reason to smile and laugh. A year ago we did our first commemorative fantasy football draft for Scott's League. Next week we have the draft and we have the beginning of Midway High School football season. I don't know why I feel so alive but I'm glad the feelings are different then they were last year. I forced each day to make it. Now I don't feel like I have to force my life. I smile and laugh and love.
I look so forward to love and laughter. I'm ready to embrace today if it is handed to me but for today I treasure the memories that are my life. I am so good being here. I still don't sleep but I know the answer to that issue but I'm not there yet. Maybe someday I will be but it I'm all good with the friends that I choose to be in my life. My chosen family and my God given family I don't know where I'd be without you all! Thank you for helping me live forward one day at a time.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Pampering Time
Yesterday was one of those days that I just plastered on a smile and kept going. It wasn't a day to ask what next because I just knew there was going to be a next after each thing that happened. I was so exhausted by the end of the day, I came home said goodbye to Hannah for the weekend and went to bed. It was only 6pm. I didn't get up until 11am this morning and I think that was because the cats were knocking at my bedroom door.
I was going to hide from the world but apparently the world has other plans for me today. Lisa, my friend that we always know what the other is thinking even when we haven't seen each other in three months, texted and we are doing the pedi thing. Seems like a great time to use my birthday present from my staff. So I guess I'm not hiding in the house away from the world. Why does it seem like the place I want to be isn't the place I'm supposed to be?
Now I'm off to live. I guess I rested my body enough to keep going. I have things I certainly need to do around the house. It looks like a teenager and two cats have been living here alone. Oh wait there has been during the day. Luckily she has done most of the laundry so I can put mine up. So enough chatter because I'm supposed to be living today instead of hiding. It would be nice to play in my scrapbook room. I can't believe I'm too that point. I should be though, Scott would be very upset that I haven't worked in there much since he died. It has become a dumping ground for things I don't want to deal with. I think it is time to do more then just pull stuff out and work on bits and pieces. I have a lives to document, Scott, Hannah, Laynie, Mom, Bob, KJ, Lynne, Susan, Betsy, etc. I better get going that means thousands of photos to work through.
I'm off to pamper myself and catch up with Lisa. I do have a good life except a few pieces are out of line. Time will fix that I just have to keep the faith and prayer. I matter to others even when I'm upset with myself. Have a great Saturday. Take time to tell someone you love them! It matters in the end love is all that matters.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Ask In Prayer
"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
- Mark 11:22-24
I don't doubt in my heart that I have a place I'm supposed to be and a person I am to continue striving to be. It is sometimes easy to forget those times when the outside world closes in and tries to tell me what to do. When a person says bad things about you right in front of you but not knowing you understand every whispered word they are saying you listen to your heart and walk away. I'm have learned that my heart matters.
I had a great moment today that made me know my heart is in the right place in my life. I was talking to one of my coworkers who had run into someone that knew Scott. Somehow they found out where she worked and they asked how I was doing. They told her what a great guy he was and a fantastic therapist. I laughed and said it still happens, everyone knows Scott. He was a great person. I told her he gave me the love the way it was meant to be. She said "He set the bar high!" Yes he did but I know what I supposed to have. It is funny to me how little messages pop out of the blue for me.
I know my prayers are answered. I know I am living forward and when I listen with my heart the decisions I make are the right ones for me. I have so much love, laughter and life to give and I pray each day to be granted my next day. Twelve years ago my Dad struggled to stay alive for my brother and I to tell him good-bye. He did it and was able to tell me in the process I knew what to do to take care of him. Life is a gift and I refuse to take it for granted. I am here for the people that choose to be part of my life and want me for me. I pray everyday to be surrounded by light and love. I love the people in my life who are with me for a reason. I am where I am supposed to be and if you are reading this you are in my life for a reason. I believe my prayers will be answered. I will get my wish.
- Mark 11:22-24
I don't doubt in my heart that I have a place I'm supposed to be and a person I am to continue striving to be. It is sometimes easy to forget those times when the outside world closes in and tries to tell me what to do. When a person says bad things about you right in front of you but not knowing you understand every whispered word they are saying you listen to your heart and walk away. I'm have learned that my heart matters.
I had a great moment today that made me know my heart is in the right place in my life. I was talking to one of my coworkers who had run into someone that knew Scott. Somehow they found out where she worked and they asked how I was doing. They told her what a great guy he was and a fantastic therapist. I laughed and said it still happens, everyone knows Scott. He was a great person. I told her he gave me the love the way it was meant to be. She said "He set the bar high!" Yes he did but I know what I supposed to have. It is funny to me how little messages pop out of the blue for me.
I know my prayers are answered. I know I am living forward and when I listen with my heart the decisions I make are the right ones for me. I have so much love, laughter and life to give and I pray each day to be granted my next day. Twelve years ago my Dad struggled to stay alive for my brother and I to tell him good-bye. He did it and was able to tell me in the process I knew what to do to take care of him. Life is a gift and I refuse to take it for granted. I am here for the people that choose to be part of my life and want me for me. I pray everyday to be surrounded by light and love. I love the people in my life who are with me for a reason. I am where I am supposed to be and if you are reading this you are in my life for a reason. I believe my prayers will be answered. I will get my wish.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Guiding Hands
"Never argue; repeat your assertion."
- Robert Owen
And sometimes the next best thing is to turn around and walk away after your have said what was needed to be said. Somehow, someway you do what is right in your heart and move forward. It is hard when you don't get the choice but when you do it is empowering. I keep making choices that matter to me and my next steps forward. I will always be making the choices for Hannah to be there for her. My job first and foremost is to be her Mom. Anything else is frufru and fun. I love to hang out with the friends and I enjoy making new ones but if anything interferes in what is right for Hannah then I'm walking away and making her my focus.
My assertion is that there are, sadly, people in this world who don't know what it means to focus on life instead of things. I'm so happy these days. Even the moments of crazy stress make my brain hurt but doesn't make me fear life. I still have panic but I'm so much better then I used to be. Today I was talking to a friend on the phone and I realized it has been a while since we have just chatted. We were both in our cars on the way home and it has been weeks since we have done that. I love having quirky friendships that make you smile and laugh even talking about silly things.
I like where I am. I like how far I've come. I will keep going and making the changes I need to keep me headed in the path of living forward. I know it is important for me to keep the positive energy going in my life and surround myself with the people who matter to me, the people who love me enough to support me and provide me shelter in their arms. I continue to ask God to surround me with is light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way. I have a purpose and a place I am supposed to be. I may have moments of sadness and despair but I keep trying and reach out when I need a guiding hand. I don't think there will ever be a time in life when I won't need a support system. I am happy that I am where I am supposed to be. I may not like it but I'm happy.
- Robert Owen
And sometimes the next best thing is to turn around and walk away after your have said what was needed to be said. Somehow, someway you do what is right in your heart and move forward. It is hard when you don't get the choice but when you do it is empowering. I keep making choices that matter to me and my next steps forward. I will always be making the choices for Hannah to be there for her. My job first and foremost is to be her Mom. Anything else is frufru and fun. I love to hang out with the friends and I enjoy making new ones but if anything interferes in what is right for Hannah then I'm walking away and making her my focus.
My assertion is that there are, sadly, people in this world who don't know what it means to focus on life instead of things. I'm so happy these days. Even the moments of crazy stress make my brain hurt but doesn't make me fear life. I still have panic but I'm so much better then I used to be. Today I was talking to a friend on the phone and I realized it has been a while since we have just chatted. We were both in our cars on the way home and it has been weeks since we have done that. I love having quirky friendships that make you smile and laugh even talking about silly things.
I like where I am. I like how far I've come. I will keep going and making the changes I need to keep me headed in the path of living forward. I know it is important for me to keep the positive energy going in my life and surround myself with the people who matter to me, the people who love me enough to support me and provide me shelter in their arms. I continue to ask God to surround me with is light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way. I have a purpose and a place I am supposed to be. I may have moments of sadness and despair but I keep trying and reach out when I need a guiding hand. I don't think there will ever be a time in life when I won't need a support system. I am happy that I am where I am supposed to be. I may not like it but I'm happy.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Decisions of Life
"An executive is a person who always decides; sometimes he decides correctly, but he always decides."
- John H. Patterson
I have been making Monday decisions all day. What is it about Monday's and decisions? My days are so very busy but these darn Mondays are just crazy. I can't keep track up up and down but I'm just thankful that the day is over. I'm not sure I always make the right decisions but I do make a decision. Isn't there an old adage that says, "do what you think is right and ask for forgiveness later?" If I didn't make decisions then I'd be stuck in wishy washy zone and that wouldn't be a very healthy place for me to be.
I don't know what else my next decision will be but I will make the wisest choice I can with the information I have available to me at that time. Breathe in and breathe out, focus your mind, listen to the facts and trust your instincts. Now that may be for large decisions but sometimes I have trouble just trying to figure out what to wear in the morning. Maybe that is why I own one pair of tennis shoes and rotate through certain scrubs on certain days.
I remember not so long ago when I couldn't even decide that I needed to eat much less process complicated decisions. Now I can watch TV and decide that I can watch something with substance and not just vegetable TV time. I can have an attention span longer then a gnat unless I have to go into decision overload. I know the important things in my life. I know the important people in my life and I know when and where to make the decisions that someone or something may have to go. I also know when and where to make the decisions to welcome people into my life and heart.
Today was a crazy Monday. I have to make some tough decisions. I miss Scott making the lunch decision for us each day. I still can't figure out why that choice is so rough! I guess it is time to make the decision to call it a day. The bed says my name but when I get there I toss and turn the sheets off the bed. I'm beginning to think that sheets might be overrated! Off to continue my journey with Stephanie Plum. She makes me feel like my world is sane. Oh how I love being lost in the world of fiction. Someday I may take my own imagination and jump into a book of my own creation. Oh the decisions that define our lives.
- John H. Patterson
I have been making Monday decisions all day. What is it about Monday's and decisions? My days are so very busy but these darn Mondays are just crazy. I can't keep track up up and down but I'm just thankful that the day is over. I'm not sure I always make the right decisions but I do make a decision. Isn't there an old adage that says, "do what you think is right and ask for forgiveness later?" If I didn't make decisions then I'd be stuck in wishy washy zone and that wouldn't be a very healthy place for me to be.
I don't know what else my next decision will be but I will make the wisest choice I can with the information I have available to me at that time. Breathe in and breathe out, focus your mind, listen to the facts and trust your instincts. Now that may be for large decisions but sometimes I have trouble just trying to figure out what to wear in the morning. Maybe that is why I own one pair of tennis shoes and rotate through certain scrubs on certain days.
I remember not so long ago when I couldn't even decide that I needed to eat much less process complicated decisions. Now I can watch TV and decide that I can watch something with substance and not just vegetable TV time. I can have an attention span longer then a gnat unless I have to go into decision overload. I know the important things in my life. I know the important people in my life and I know when and where to make the decisions that someone or something may have to go. I also know when and where to make the decisions to welcome people into my life and heart.
Today was a crazy Monday. I have to make some tough decisions. I miss Scott making the lunch decision for us each day. I still can't figure out why that choice is so rough! I guess it is time to make the decision to call it a day. The bed says my name but when I get there I toss and turn the sheets off the bed. I'm beginning to think that sheets might be overrated! Off to continue my journey with Stephanie Plum. She makes me feel like my world is sane. Oh how I love being lost in the world of fiction. Someday I may take my own imagination and jump into a book of my own creation. Oh the decisions that define our lives.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Kindness and Love
"Kindness is tenderness. Kindness is love, but perhaps greater than love...Kindness is good will. Kindness says, "I want you to be happy."
- Randolph Ray
There is nothing greater in this world then the kindness that can come from your heart. Instead of judging others you should reach out with kindness. When another is in need kindness makes your world better when you think of someone beside yourself. I don't always know the answers but I know when I approach a problem with kindness the results are so much easier.
There is a moment in life when I know it will be put together in the right order. I don't know what is the ultimate goal in my life but I hope kindness plays a huge part of it. To give and to receive somehow that just transforms into love. I have my moments where I'm not always nice but I have a friend that will tell me so. I'm tired of the moments when the world gets all turned upside down. My world still feels like the poles have reversed and the gravity is just a bit out of whack still. I don't know where I am some days but I just leave it to Hannah to keep me grounded. She knows just how to handle me and my moments.
Smile and give someone kindness! You will make their day. You never know when it will change their life from a crappy day into a smile that reaches another. There is no reason to stop giving kindness and love a chance even when you've been stomped on. Your heart still deserves those magical feelings! I know that is exactly what I would hear from Scott. He always knew how to tell me how much of his life I changed in our love. I know I have that to still give to others. I know that being kind isn't a bad thing even when others don't see how to make those steps. Reach out and touch a life with kindness it will transform your day!
- Randolph Ray
There is nothing greater in this world then the kindness that can come from your heart. Instead of judging others you should reach out with kindness. When another is in need kindness makes your world better when you think of someone beside yourself. I don't always know the answers but I know when I approach a problem with kindness the results are so much easier.
There is a moment in life when I know it will be put together in the right order. I don't know what is the ultimate goal in my life but I hope kindness plays a huge part of it. To give and to receive somehow that just transforms into love. I have my moments where I'm not always nice but I have a friend that will tell me so. I'm tired of the moments when the world gets all turned upside down. My world still feels like the poles have reversed and the gravity is just a bit out of whack still. I don't know where I am some days but I just leave it to Hannah to keep me grounded. She knows just how to handle me and my moments.
Smile and give someone kindness! You will make their day. You never know when it will change their life from a crappy day into a smile that reaches another. There is no reason to stop giving kindness and love a chance even when you've been stomped on. Your heart still deserves those magical feelings! I know that is exactly what I would hear from Scott. He always knew how to tell me how much of his life I changed in our love. I know I have that to still give to others. I know that being kind isn't a bad thing even when others don't see how to make those steps. Reach out and touch a life with kindness it will transform your day!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
New Friendship
Can I just say that making new friends out of old acquaintances is fun. There is a guy I knew in college that is going through his own personal grief and struggles but not because of death. That might have been easier for him. Over the last few weeks we've turned into a cheering section for each other. I have to be honest and say 20 years has made me have memory loss of college days at times but I'm good enough to remember fuzzy details. I love how the world finds ways to connect you to people that need to be in your life.
I don't have to work hard at being who I am but I do have to remember that who I am matters to others. I live my life for Hannah. She is the only one whose opinion matters to me and maybe sometimes my Mom. There are some people in this world who only do the right thing when it makes them look better and go out of their way to complain about others mistakes. I make mistakes all the time but I'm willing to admit to them. There is also the point to be said for people who complain without actually doing anything to help in the first place. I have to many things going on to deal with other peoples ineptitude and be blamed for it. I wish I had a magic wand and could help so many people. I try to do the best I can do with one patient, friend, loved one at a time. I will claim that as my gift.
I want to know that by writing this each day I matter and can help someone else. I know I have done that for my friend. I hope we get to meet face to face again someday but the power of the Internet is a gift from God also. Used for good instead of evil you can make a change. We were all given gifts use yours to the fullest. Don't worry about what others think, listen with your heart and mind. You will journey further on your soul path to fulfill your own destiny with those words in your mind versus those who don't know the power of evil words.
I don't have to work hard at being who I am but I do have to remember that who I am matters to others. I live my life for Hannah. She is the only one whose opinion matters to me and maybe sometimes my Mom. There are some people in this world who only do the right thing when it makes them look better and go out of their way to complain about others mistakes. I make mistakes all the time but I'm willing to admit to them. There is also the point to be said for people who complain without actually doing anything to help in the first place. I have to many things going on to deal with other peoples ineptitude and be blamed for it. I wish I had a magic wand and could help so many people. I try to do the best I can do with one patient, friend, loved one at a time. I will claim that as my gift.
I want to know that by writing this each day I matter and can help someone else. I know I have done that for my friend. I hope we get to meet face to face again someday but the power of the Internet is a gift from God also. Used for good instead of evil you can make a change. We were all given gifts use yours to the fullest. Don't worry about what others think, listen with your heart and mind. You will journey further on your soul path to fulfill your own destiny with those words in your mind versus those who don't know the power of evil words.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Sunset
Magic and love! Someday I may explain the picture I took of a beautiful sunset but only two people know where I was. I think I could have disappeared tonight and I would have been at peace but I refuse to do that to Hannah.
Love is powerful! Take time to know what it really means to love unconditionally. You too could have a sunset like I had! I am changing my path but I'm good with that! It will be all good!
(insert photo here when I get to the computer)
Love is powerful! Take time to know what it really means to love unconditionally. You too could have a sunset like I had! I am changing my path but I'm good with that! It will be all good!
(insert photo here when I get to the computer)
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Uphill Rope Climb
"If the going is real easy, beware, you may be headed down hill."
- Anonymous
"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
So I start out my day climbing uphill because I reached the end of my rope and hung on. That seems to happen so very often. I guess I'm not so incapable of love after all nor being loved. I kept the appointment for Jazz at the vet for her shots and well baby check up. She was fine. They called to tell me she was fine but also they had a very sweet kitten that needed a home. She had lived with them for eight weeks and would be perfect for us. We must be destined to each other. They took me back, Hannah was at Band practice, the kitten jumped up on me and started giving me kitty kisses and purring. I didn't mean to love her. I tried not to love her but here I am with a new baby in my life, Belle. I did tell her she had to stick around because we were running out of Princess names.
I guess that means I'm just at the down side of the hill but somewhere in the middle and I have to keep climbing. I'm still rough around the edges but it is going to be all good. I have a bunch of things to do and lots of places to be but I can't stop. I knew last night I couldn't stop but grief so many times in a row is really hard to do after so long. I was thinking that somehow without knowing it Hannah and I provided Hospice care to a beautiful baby kitty. She needed us to love her unconditionally before she had to go. It's not easy on us but I sure wish someone would do that for me again. Shh I'm not looking just wishing.
I feel like that crazy train. After a while chanting "I think I can, I think I can." gets a little discombobulated. The words all run together and I have to stop and remember exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. If life were easy I wouldn't be here. I'm right where I'm supposed to be -- so the Dove chocolate keeps telling me. Now back to channeling Scott watching the first preseason game for football. I love me some football and I came by that honestly not from a boy! I just wish it was the Chiefs and not the Broncos playing. I really would have been there for that one!
- Anonymous
"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
So I start out my day climbing uphill because I reached the end of my rope and hung on. That seems to happen so very often. I guess I'm not so incapable of love after all nor being loved. I kept the appointment for Jazz at the vet for her shots and well baby check up. She was fine. They called to tell me she was fine but also they had a very sweet kitten that needed a home. She had lived with them for eight weeks and would be perfect for us. We must be destined to each other. They took me back, Hannah was at Band practice, the kitten jumped up on me and started giving me kitty kisses and purring. I didn't mean to love her. I tried not to love her but here I am with a new baby in my life, Belle. I did tell her she had to stick around because we were running out of Princess names.
I guess that means I'm just at the down side of the hill but somewhere in the middle and I have to keep climbing. I'm still rough around the edges but it is going to be all good. I have a bunch of things to do and lots of places to be but I can't stop. I knew last night I couldn't stop but grief so many times in a row is really hard to do after so long. I was thinking that somehow without knowing it Hannah and I provided Hospice care to a beautiful baby kitty. She needed us to love her unconditionally before she had to go. It's not easy on us but I sure wish someone would do that for me again. Shh I'm not looking just wishing.
I feel like that crazy train. After a while chanting "I think I can, I think I can." gets a little discombobulated. The words all run together and I have to stop and remember exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. If life were easy I wouldn't be here. I'm right where I'm supposed to be -- so the Dove chocolate keeps telling me. Now back to channeling Scott watching the first preseason game for football. I love me some football and I came by that honestly not from a boy! I just wish it was the Chiefs and not the Broncos playing. I really would have been there for that one!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Does Love Matter?
I'm so done with loving and opening my heart to that feeling to have it ripped out of my chest. I just feel flat and dead too. That is not me, I'm so open loving and and like to be that person but just really could care less after this evening. I was almost home. I skipped the main road through our small town and went the back way to the house. Much faster during our 14 minutes of rush hour. I'm so glad I did. As I was turning onto the back road I got a call from Hannah telling me that she can't get to the kitten, Ella, in the laundry room. She was crying hard something's wrong.
I knew instantly she was right but I was still about five minutes away. I couldn't get to her fast enough. She called back and had to leave a message because my phone went straight to voicemail. When I listened to her message my heart died again. Listening to her horrible cries of anguish finding our sweet new kitten dead. I should have been here with her but I got there as fast as I could. I finally got her on the phone. I can see the stoplights and turning right into our neighborhood. I had her hang up and call her dad. I didn't have the words to comfort her. My pain had shut my emotions off and my own abilities to cope off. I kept saying things in my head that I am so tired of thinking. I made it to Hannah and went into problem solver mode. I called the Humane Society and asked them what to do. They took all the info - we can get a new kitty if we so decide but I don't know if I can ever do that. I gently picked up my sweet baby and wrapped her in towels. Hannah was able to gently hold her as we made our way to the Humane Society. I didn't want to leave her there but what else was I to do?
I can tell you that Ella started sneezing a few days ago. Last night she was mouth breathing a bit but not bad. Today I called and made her an appointment for tomorrow. I described the symptoms and it just sounded like a kitty cold. It was apparently more then that but I don't know what to do anymore. I just have to say I feel all kinds of crap. I feel like I'm big fat ugly and don't ever get to love again. That isn't who I am. That isn't who I've become in this journey living forward. So I came home and looked for something to amuse myself with for a little bit. I did it but my heart still feels large and dumpy. I want to stop. I don't know what to do. I tried. I was taking a huge step forward with Ella. Now I'm afraid if I ever find a relationship I'm just the person who is the kiss of death. I'm afraid of me!
I'm keep trying to live forward. I just need to find a break so I guess I will go to the bathtub and read. I will move back to my comfort zone. I will go find my prayers. I'm just tired of having my spirit and faith rattled. I know I have so many people who love me. I just need someone to wrap me up in their arms and hold me while I cry. I need to feel that support and I'm sorry my friends I know you all do your best and I love you all for it but I haven't felt what I need since Scott died. I'm so afraid to live. Dear God, please surround me with your light and love, guide me protect me and show me the way. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm on autopilot again. Really do I have to do this again?
I knew instantly she was right but I was still about five minutes away. I couldn't get to her fast enough. She called back and had to leave a message because my phone went straight to voicemail. When I listened to her message my heart died again. Listening to her horrible cries of anguish finding our sweet new kitten dead. I should have been here with her but I got there as fast as I could. I finally got her on the phone. I can see the stoplights and turning right into our neighborhood. I had her hang up and call her dad. I didn't have the words to comfort her. My pain had shut my emotions off and my own abilities to cope off. I kept saying things in my head that I am so tired of thinking. I made it to Hannah and went into problem solver mode. I called the Humane Society and asked them what to do. They took all the info - we can get a new kitty if we so decide but I don't know if I can ever do that. I gently picked up my sweet baby and wrapped her in towels. Hannah was able to gently hold her as we made our way to the Humane Society. I didn't want to leave her there but what else was I to do?
I can tell you that Ella started sneezing a few days ago. Last night she was mouth breathing a bit but not bad. Today I called and made her an appointment for tomorrow. I described the symptoms and it just sounded like a kitty cold. It was apparently more then that but I don't know what to do anymore. I just have to say I feel all kinds of crap. I feel like I'm big fat ugly and don't ever get to love again. That isn't who I am. That isn't who I've become in this journey living forward. So I came home and looked for something to amuse myself with for a little bit. I did it but my heart still feels large and dumpy. I want to stop. I don't know what to do. I tried. I was taking a huge step forward with Ella. Now I'm afraid if I ever find a relationship I'm just the person who is the kiss of death. I'm afraid of me!
I'm keep trying to live forward. I just need to find a break so I guess I will go to the bathtub and read. I will move back to my comfort zone. I will go find my prayers. I'm just tired of having my spirit and faith rattled. I know I have so many people who love me. I just need someone to wrap me up in their arms and hold me while I cry. I need to feel that support and I'm sorry my friends I know you all do your best and I love you all for it but I haven't felt what I need since Scott died. I'm so afraid to live. Dear God, please surround me with your light and love, guide me protect me and show me the way. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm on autopilot again. Really do I have to do this again?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Band is Marching Along
Maybe I'm so incredibly crazy or I have the best place for me to be. I have something to keep me going and I really enjoy being around Hannah. The work is hard but the kids are rewarding. I know it keeps me focused on the here and now and not the future. I like having a purpose and a place that I belong.
I'm exhausted, my feet and legs are killing me and I can barely keep my eyes open but it's all good right! Maybe if I wear myself completely out I will be able to sleep without meds and dreams. I used to love my dreams and sometimes I still do. But sometimes I'm just so afraid to even try. I'm not sure I sleep so well. Just ask my sheets. I keep tossing and turning so much I pull them off the bed each night. Ahh what I would do to have a relaxing moment of rest and true sleep.
My feet and I are headed to a nice long bath. Now if I can keep myself from staying up all night reading the next book in my series maybe I can fall into a deep sleep. Not the times I sleep just as I should be waking up. That is never fun. What I wouldn't do to be able to stay home and wake up my own body time for a few days. Remind me the next time I go on vacation I need to go alone. Yes we all know that won't happen. If I even tried to go anywhere alone I would suddenly find myself with travel buddies. I know that is a good thing because everyone loves me. I know I've proven to each of you that I can be trusted alone at home but I someday would like to try to find a place with peace and solitude. I know those that love me most are laughing because I've never been on a nice quiet peaceful vacation ever. I still dream of our honeymoon in Fiji. I will get there and it will be a good thing. It might now be all it was supposed to be with Scott but I have gotten really good at life not meeting my expectations.
I'm ready for a new life experience. I'm ready to keep my inner band geek marching forward. I will never be coordinated enough to do more then that but I think you are all good with me working forward! Now where did I put those band aids. I believe I have a blister from standing and walking so much over the last four days. I love being a Band Backer Mom! Anyone else want to join me?
I'm exhausted, my feet and legs are killing me and I can barely keep my eyes open but it's all good right! Maybe if I wear myself completely out I will be able to sleep without meds and dreams. I used to love my dreams and sometimes I still do. But sometimes I'm just so afraid to even try. I'm not sure I sleep so well. Just ask my sheets. I keep tossing and turning so much I pull them off the bed each night. Ahh what I would do to have a relaxing moment of rest and true sleep.
My feet and I are headed to a nice long bath. Now if I can keep myself from staying up all night reading the next book in my series maybe I can fall into a deep sleep. Not the times I sleep just as I should be waking up. That is never fun. What I wouldn't do to be able to stay home and wake up my own body time for a few days. Remind me the next time I go on vacation I need to go alone. Yes we all know that won't happen. If I even tried to go anywhere alone I would suddenly find myself with travel buddies. I know that is a good thing because everyone loves me. I know I've proven to each of you that I can be trusted alone at home but I someday would like to try to find a place with peace and solitude. I know those that love me most are laughing because I've never been on a nice quiet peaceful vacation ever. I still dream of our honeymoon in Fiji. I will get there and it will be a good thing. It might now be all it was supposed to be with Scott but I have gotten really good at life not meeting my expectations.
I'm ready for a new life experience. I'm ready to keep my inner band geek marching forward. I will never be coordinated enough to do more then that but I think you are all good with me working forward! Now where did I put those band aids. I believe I have a blister from standing and walking so much over the last four days. I love being a Band Backer Mom! Anyone else want to join me?
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Mixology of Life
It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.
- Irish proverb
Yesterday we were at Band Registration with Hannah when we laughing about how many people it takes to raise one child. Hannah has the best support system of the entire world. She is surrounded by the shelter of people that help her live. I miss those days of my childhood where I was surrounded by that kind of shelter. I always knew the importance of my family shelter. They gave me who I have become in life. I know they continue to shelter me in my life and I keep living.
I want to keep living most of the time. It is hard to have breaks where I have to deal with my self alone. I try not to be melancholy I try to keep pushing forward. I know I have done that so far but then there are moments when I suddenly feel like this is it. I'm trying not to get into a rut. I want to live forward. I want to keep moving and growing but I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like I'm not seeing something around me. I still have the shelter of my friends and family to keep me living. Something is missing that makes me feel whole.
I know I would never make a very good hermit though. I have to be around people even when I think I would be better off hiding. I need to find the right mix of elements of my life. Hmm I wonder if there is a Bartender's guide to mixing the life force to rocket me upwards and onwards. I know what you all say to me. I'm where I'm supposed to be at this moment in time. But it would be nice to have a moment of where I don't feel like myself. I know the world works the same way with others and I'm not alone. I'm coping but bored. I am bored when I'm alone today. Fidgety, restless, pacing. That is not my normal self so I'm in a strange spot in my journey living forward.
- Irish proverb
Yesterday we were at Band Registration with Hannah when we laughing about how many people it takes to raise one child. Hannah has the best support system of the entire world. She is surrounded by the shelter of people that help her live. I miss those days of my childhood where I was surrounded by that kind of shelter. I always knew the importance of my family shelter. They gave me who I have become in life. I know they continue to shelter me in my life and I keep living.
I want to keep living most of the time. It is hard to have breaks where I have to deal with my self alone. I try not to be melancholy I try to keep pushing forward. I know I have done that so far but then there are moments when I suddenly feel like this is it. I'm trying not to get into a rut. I want to live forward. I want to keep moving and growing but I feel like I'm missing something. I feel like I'm not seeing something around me. I still have the shelter of my friends and family to keep me living. Something is missing that makes me feel whole.
I know I would never make a very good hermit though. I have to be around people even when I think I would be better off hiding. I need to find the right mix of elements of my life. Hmm I wonder if there is a Bartender's guide to mixing the life force to rocket me upwards and onwards. I know what you all say to me. I'm where I'm supposed to be at this moment in time. But it would be nice to have a moment of where I don't feel like myself. I know the world works the same way with others and I'm not alone. I'm coping but bored. I am bored when I'm alone today. Fidgety, restless, pacing. That is not my normal self so I'm in a strange spot in my journey living forward.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Volunteering
"There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up."
- John Andrew Holmes Jr., American writer and minister
I love the moments where I can take my talents and skills and give back. I spent many years in my teen years and thousands of hours giving back through volunteering. St. John's Hospital in Joplin was the place where I learned what my goals in life were to be. Where I learned that giving time and energy to others without asking for anything in return is a huge gift to others. That is why I take my time to help in other areas. That is why I volunteer to help out with the Band Backers and support my daughter and the other kids as they learn to be leaders of our futures.
Those skills are taught from generation to generation. My efforts matter to lifting up our kids into a stronger tomorrow. My reward is the smiles and laughter at the end of a long day. A day filled with tiring tasks and lots of organization will make the next weeks all that much better. My reward is the joy and love I feel in my heart watching the magic of the music that flows through the kids. I know that at the end of day when my body is finished my heart is full. I know the magic of life is all about giving back even when I'm not at my best. It makes the day so much better. Another way to keep living forward. If you are at a low moment take the time to give back it will bring you out and fill your heart with love and life.
- John Andrew Holmes Jr., American writer and minister
I love the moments where I can take my talents and skills and give back. I spent many years in my teen years and thousands of hours giving back through volunteering. St. John's Hospital in Joplin was the place where I learned what my goals in life were to be. Where I learned that giving time and energy to others without asking for anything in return is a huge gift to others. That is why I take my time to help in other areas. That is why I volunteer to help out with the Band Backers and support my daughter and the other kids as they learn to be leaders of our futures.
Those skills are taught from generation to generation. My efforts matter to lifting up our kids into a stronger tomorrow. My reward is the smiles and laughter at the end of a long day. A day filled with tiring tasks and lots of organization will make the next weeks all that much better. My reward is the joy and love I feel in my heart watching the magic of the music that flows through the kids. I know that at the end of day when my body is finished my heart is full. I know the magic of life is all about giving back even when I'm not at my best. It makes the day so much better. Another way to keep living forward. If you are at a low moment take the time to give back it will bring you out and fill your heart with love and life.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Idle Hands
My life is my message.
- Mahatma Ghandi
I guess my message keeps going. Now I would hope that it will keep going even after my body has given up the ghost. I'm not sure how long my body is going to keep hanging around but I keep trying. So for today I keep living my message and hope that it means something to someone else. I'm not so sure most days. Even on the days Hannah gets all pouty and upset with me. I often wonder what I'm still hanging around for. I just keep trying I guess because when she's not around it just seems fruitless and like a bunch of busy work.
Okay back to what I'm working on to have busy work to do and not sit and overanalyze my life. I'm really great at that task!!! Just keep busy. Just keep busy! Come on Ella we've got letters to cut out! Idle hands and all that! Take a deep breath and quit thinking!!!
- Mahatma Ghandi
I guess my message keeps going. Now I would hope that it will keep going even after my body has given up the ghost. I'm not sure how long my body is going to keep hanging around but I keep trying. So for today I keep living my message and hope that it means something to someone else. I'm not so sure most days. Even on the days Hannah gets all pouty and upset with me. I often wonder what I'm still hanging around for. I just keep trying I guess because when she's not around it just seems fruitless and like a bunch of busy work.
Okay back to what I'm working on to have busy work to do and not sit and overanalyze my life. I'm really great at that task!!! Just keep busy. Just keep busy! Come on Ella we've got letters to cut out! Idle hands and all that! Take a deep breath and quit thinking!!!
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Steadfastness
"Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
- James 1:24
Today the heat was my enemy and I listened to my body and rested. I know when it is right to stop and when I can push. Today if I pushed myself further it would have been worse for me in the long run. I missed out on something fun but I hope the offer gets a raincheck. I was doing some work things today when one of the phone calls came through. I was explaining the MS and how I just work around it but the heat is crazy. The guy I was talking to was in Ohio visiting and said I needed to summer in the North. His dad has medical issues so he got it. After almost 12 years I know the good and the bad. I know what it takes for me to be steadfast in my life.
I continue to focus on living and life. I like the moments of laughter and conversations that I don't like to end. I want to keep having a life. I continue to count all my joy even in my trials. I have received many ongoing tests of my faith but I have hope for the future because of my faith. I am thankful for the small moments of silly conversations, my beautiful daughter who knows only me with an illness. Who knows just what to do to help me through my bad days. I have so many blessings because of my faith. I matter to so many people and in my moments of trials I find the strength in the love that surrounds me.
- James 1:24
Today the heat was my enemy and I listened to my body and rested. I know when it is right to stop and when I can push. Today if I pushed myself further it would have been worse for me in the long run. I missed out on something fun but I hope the offer gets a raincheck. I was doing some work things today when one of the phone calls came through. I was explaining the MS and how I just work around it but the heat is crazy. The guy I was talking to was in Ohio visiting and said I needed to summer in the North. His dad has medical issues so he got it. After almost 12 years I know the good and the bad. I know what it takes for me to be steadfast in my life.
I continue to focus on living and life. I like the moments of laughter and conversations that I don't like to end. I want to keep having a life. I continue to count all my joy even in my trials. I have received many ongoing tests of my faith but I have hope for the future because of my faith. I am thankful for the small moments of silly conversations, my beautiful daughter who knows only me with an illness. Who knows just what to do to help me through my bad days. I have so many blessings because of my faith. I matter to so many people and in my moments of trials I find the strength in the love that surrounds me.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Quicksand Moments
"Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens - The Main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away." ~John Steinbeck, 10 November 1958
Really? I have to disagree with this! Sometimes you don't get a choice. There are still things I regret. Things I wish we would have done faster but memories of the journey we shared that make things right in my life. Events that make me know sitting around with this healing crap is a pain. I know I'm better for taking my own time and not putting myself out there unless I can be in a good place to keep going BUT sometimes I'm not the best at taking life as it is given to me. It can all be gone in a heartbeat and left behind heartache.
Sometimes I ask myself why risk that again when I've known a slice of heaven. Then I realize I can wait around for a slice of heaven again. Except I keep thinking I don't want to be 86 and look back a life spent more alone then alive and living to the fullest. I don't think I'm living in a full moment. I reach out and find so much then for some reason I just can't.
I was looking for something earlier. I checked under the bed and what did I find? Some of Scott's fantasy football stuff. Just where he'd left it. Who ever looks under the bed? I don't very often but see what happens! I end up sitting on the floor flooded with memories. I know Scott and I didn't have the perfect relationship but it was perfect for us. Then I let my own doubts about us get pushed to the front. I'm just not very good at this living thing I guess. I still don't understand why "I'm where I'm supposed to be!"
I want that connection that feeling of belonging back. I want to be comforted and held. I want to know that the person I share laughter, tears, sorrow, joy and love feels the same. I don't know the future but I'm such a planner I want to look forward beyond today. I want to think about being 44, 50, 84 and know I've have love that is magical. Someday so for now I smile and live for the moments of special times with my friends that make me know I still matter and I'm not alone in this world.
This heat needs to stop soon because I'm feeling melancholy and blah! It reflects in my attitude and what I want to do. I have moments I look forward to and people I like interacting with on different levels. I hate it when those plans change at the last moment and I have to smile and pretend like it was all good. Then I have to find a way out of disappointment before I lead myself back down the wrong path. I just want to know if I really am a special person. I know it shouldn't matter but sometimes it is hard not to let myself go there. I'm grabbing the rope and dragging myself out of the quicksand before I sink to far back down.
Just keep swimming surrounded by light an love living forward. My life is a giant cliche'!!!! If want I want is the right thing for me it will happen when the time is right. Just too many things to worry about job, Hannah, friendships that I displace everything back to myself and internalize it all! I'm my own worst enemy! I guess it is okay to know myself well enough when I start with the crazy moments. I can do it yes I can!
Really? I have to disagree with this! Sometimes you don't get a choice. There are still things I regret. Things I wish we would have done faster but memories of the journey we shared that make things right in my life. Events that make me know sitting around with this healing crap is a pain. I know I'm better for taking my own time and not putting myself out there unless I can be in a good place to keep going BUT sometimes I'm not the best at taking life as it is given to me. It can all be gone in a heartbeat and left behind heartache.
Sometimes I ask myself why risk that again when I've known a slice of heaven. Then I realize I can wait around for a slice of heaven again. Except I keep thinking I don't want to be 86 and look back a life spent more alone then alive and living to the fullest. I don't think I'm living in a full moment. I reach out and find so much then for some reason I just can't.
I was looking for something earlier. I checked under the bed and what did I find? Some of Scott's fantasy football stuff. Just where he'd left it. Who ever looks under the bed? I don't very often but see what happens! I end up sitting on the floor flooded with memories. I know Scott and I didn't have the perfect relationship but it was perfect for us. Then I let my own doubts about us get pushed to the front. I'm just not very good at this living thing I guess. I still don't understand why "I'm where I'm supposed to be!"
I want that connection that feeling of belonging back. I want to be comforted and held. I want to know that the person I share laughter, tears, sorrow, joy and love feels the same. I don't know the future but I'm such a planner I want to look forward beyond today. I want to think about being 44, 50, 84 and know I've have love that is magical. Someday so for now I smile and live for the moments of special times with my friends that make me know I still matter and I'm not alone in this world.
This heat needs to stop soon because I'm feeling melancholy and blah! It reflects in my attitude and what I want to do. I have moments I look forward to and people I like interacting with on different levels. I hate it when those plans change at the last moment and I have to smile and pretend like it was all good. Then I have to find a way out of disappointment before I lead myself back down the wrong path. I just want to know if I really am a special person. I know it shouldn't matter but sometimes it is hard not to let myself go there. I'm grabbing the rope and dragging myself out of the quicksand before I sink to far back down.
Just keep swimming surrounded by light an love living forward. My life is a giant cliche'!!!! If want I want is the right thing for me it will happen when the time is right. Just too many things to worry about job, Hannah, friendships that I displace everything back to myself and internalize it all! I'm my own worst enemy! I guess it is okay to know myself well enough when I start with the crazy moments. I can do it yes I can!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Habits of Love
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."
- Soren Kierkegaard
There could be no truer statement for me. I have to say I can see the pattern of my life looking in the rearview mirror. I wish I would have known then what I know now frequently floats through my head. Today in the office we were talking about things in relationships that drive us crazy. I was explaining Scott's terrible habit that drove Hannah and I nuts. I would do anything to hear that sound again. I don't have that option so I must say that I will take the knowledge of annoying habits and live forward.
Living forward means for me that if I find another love and he has habits that drive me nuts I will take the time to appreciate them and love him because of his faults! Each of our own lives is filled with mistakes and happiness that we would love to do over. I seem to be in a position that very few embrace. I may have lost the person I love, who knew me and still loved me because I can look back from those memories I can live forward.
I have grown so much in who I am. I have opened my heart up to living life and loving others. I know that I can be loved warts and all. Scott isn't the only one who can love me. I do love myself and I want to grumble and gripe about stuff and still love. Hey I guess for the next three years I will keep loving Hannah, empty soda cans, dirty clothes and all. Well you know in my eyes she will always be perfect. I know I have habits that drive her nuts. I know I have habits that drove Scott crazy but love was more powerful! For that I am thankful that I can look back and still live forward.
- Soren Kierkegaard
There could be no truer statement for me. I have to say I can see the pattern of my life looking in the rearview mirror. I wish I would have known then what I know now frequently floats through my head. Today in the office we were talking about things in relationships that drive us crazy. I was explaining Scott's terrible habit that drove Hannah and I nuts. I would do anything to hear that sound again. I don't have that option so I must say that I will take the knowledge of annoying habits and live forward.
Living forward means for me that if I find another love and he has habits that drive me nuts I will take the time to appreciate them and love him because of his faults! Each of our own lives is filled with mistakes and happiness that we would love to do over. I seem to be in a position that very few embrace. I may have lost the person I love, who knew me and still loved me because I can look back from those memories I can live forward.
I have grown so much in who I am. I have opened my heart up to living life and loving others. I know that I can be loved warts and all. Scott isn't the only one who can love me. I do love myself and I want to grumble and gripe about stuff and still love. Hey I guess for the next three years I will keep loving Hannah, empty soda cans, dirty clothes and all. Well you know in my eyes she will always be perfect. I know I have habits that drive her nuts. I know I have habits that drove Scott crazy but love was more powerful! For that I am thankful that I can look back and still live forward.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Welcome Ella
I put my own theories to the biggest test today! I took look at a new kitty to we came home with one. As I type this I have to keep moving Ella off my keyboard. She is snuggled under my chin and giving me unconditional love and I'm teary eyed. Imagine that. This is a very large step for me. Simba was my baby for so long and I am okay with giving this kitty love too. I'm in shock with myself that I have it in my to make it this far. It really does give me hope that I can fall in love again. Who knows maybe if I would quit fighting it and just let it happen I'd be amazed at what happens.
That is how Ella is for me. I quit fighting Hannah and just let it happen. Now my heart is a goner for Ella. I still love Simba but I'm good with still loving her and knowing my heart is big enough for Ella. As is my life I've been growing without even seeing it happen. My friends you all see it but why can't I until I'm past a step or leaping without even seeing it happen. I need to just stop with the road blocks and be open to life.
It is also time for Scott's fantasy football league of which I'm the commissioner. I love that we can continue to honor his memory in this way. Matt, Scott's best bud, reminded me tonight as he called about the league that I have to keep moving that I need to get to a point where this isn't Scott and my (our) house but my house. Matt told me at some point I have to move forward and live life. The league will always be about honoring Scott's life and his passion but I don't have to stop mine. How do I warrant such wise wonderful friends. I made the step to break out of my self imposed prison.
I love my new little girl. She has given me much joy in the hours she has been in MY home! I still know that no matter where I go or how I get there, if it is with another, Scott will rejoice because he only wants happiness for me. Tonight I'm happy being snuggled by my furbaby. Now maybe I can stop being so afraid of being loved by another. I'm not asking for a replacement but a continuation of my life and my heart. I am where I am supposed to be at this moment in time!
That is how Ella is for me. I quit fighting Hannah and just let it happen. Now my heart is a goner for Ella. I still love Simba but I'm good with still loving her and knowing my heart is big enough for Ella. As is my life I've been growing without even seeing it happen. My friends you all see it but why can't I until I'm past a step or leaping without even seeing it happen. I need to just stop with the road blocks and be open to life.
It is also time for Scott's fantasy football league of which I'm the commissioner. I love that we can continue to honor his memory in this way. Matt, Scott's best bud, reminded me tonight as he called about the league that I have to keep moving that I need to get to a point where this isn't Scott and my (our) house but my house. Matt told me at some point I have to move forward and live life. The league will always be about honoring Scott's life and his passion but I don't have to stop mine. How do I warrant such wise wonderful friends. I made the step to break out of my self imposed prison.
I love my new little girl. She has given me much joy in the hours she has been in MY home! I still know that no matter where I go or how I get there, if it is with another, Scott will rejoice because he only wants happiness for me. Tonight I'm happy being snuggled by my furbaby. Now maybe I can stop being so afraid of being loved by another. I'm not asking for a replacement but a continuation of my life and my heart. I am where I am supposed to be at this moment in time!
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